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Gustavo Tolosa: Dr Doug Lisle Presents Stepping Stones to Self Esteem
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well hello everyone and welcome to another week with a live with dr. module as we do every Thursday and today we have a very special guest dr. Doug Lyall and we're very lucky to have him the second Thursday of every month just a little bit about dr. Lisle is a psychologist for the mcdougal Wellness Program and the director of research for True North health center and dr. Lisle has lectured at Stanford Cornell and other universities in its the co-author of the pleasure trap mastering the hidden force that undermines health and happiness and I really want to encourage all of you to visit his website his team dynamics which is his team dynamics org I will type it on the chat box so that you all have it in writing and today he has a great presentation for us so welcome dr. Lyle and we're looking forward to what you have to say today great thanks for having me today we're going to be talking about self esteem and actually the stepping stones to building an inner self regard that makes life better very good looking forward to it so go ahead and and set up your powerpoint presentation and I once I'm switching the screen to me that way you have a few seconds to go ahead and do that and I see that you're all set to go so here we go very good this is stepping stones to self esteem and what we're going to do is we're going to take you on a little journey where we learn a little bit about the history of self esteem about thinking on it and then we're going to go on and try to see some new insights that may be helpful for folks now this all started for me the whole journey in psychology was I was of course trying to be a great artist which everybody knows clearly that I have talent nears my parents and went to them for more money for art supplies thinking that that I would you know get some good feedback there and instead what they figured was I needed a little more of a job rather than a little bit more money for art supplies which of course this was rather disappointing and so instead I decided that instead of getting a real job I'd go to psychology school and there I learned but from the grey professor that I should have a course been more supported in my art and that my father had damaged my self-esteem by giving me negative feedback about my my art so I was very happy about this as you can see and so then when I went home I shared the news from the great professor that that my dad had damaged my self-esteem and actually my dad thought that maybe my self-esteem it needed some damaging so this is this kind of didn't go the way I would have figured and of course my mother agreed with him which this was you know unacceptable so what happened is the following I learned early that my parents and a lot of parents do not share a theory that is widespread in psychology and that theory is that little people as they grow up are kind of like bananas and if you have any little thing happen to you it's a little bit uncomfortable then it's like the banana gets bruised if you're in the store and you have bananas that are nice and ripe and people pick them up and they squeeze in a little bit then you get all these little bruises on them and essentially there are theories of psychology it would essentially say that the right way to raise a kid is to make sure that nothing bad ever happens because every time that something bad happens there their little self-esteem is Bruce a little bit well my folks kind of thought this was ridiculous and as we go on today we're going to see that the bruised banana theory which actually has I mean doesn't go by that name but it's a prominent ie in psychology is actually without merit and there is a different way of looking at the process of development and self-esteem that is much more accurate and the more accurate we are the more effective we can be at building internal self-regard now one of the major theorists who had a lot of good things to say but also had some misunderstandings was a man by the name of Nathaniel Branden and he was a prominent figure in self-esteem psychology in the 1960s and 70s and 80s and essentially he felt like more self-esteem was better and that self-esteem is sort of like a vitamin and if your self-esteem was low then bad things would happen to you and if your self-esteem was higher good things would happen to you and so this was kind of an important concept and actually a lot of government money and attention went into trying to help raise the self-esteem of children because it was the the notion was high self esteem led to good outcomes and low self esteem led to bad outcomes and we're going to see some very important mistakes there in that thinking this is a terror management theory coming out of anthropology notion that people did things and to try to enhance their self-esteem is that they they knew they were going to die and so out of terror of death they would do things like build Washington monuments to to try to survive into the hereafter somehow this is sort of a curious way of thinking and I don't fully understand why they think this but they do and anyway there's no research to support it now my pet theory about all this is I went on a psychology was that these ideas are a little bit nuts and what we're going to do is we're going to look at a theory of self-esteem it is on much firmer footing so we can understand how it works these these banana theories and terror management theories are at what I call wandered into the weeds uh you know they were very interesting and bold attempts to try to understand the internal process of people but they fell fall short while far short and now we're going to try to get on a pathway where we could really understand self-esteem and not be out into the bananas and the weeds now we're going to quickly look at the history self-esteem I'm sure that some philosophers from Rhys had brilliant things to say about this here's one philosopher here he's in a toga actually I had a friend of mine look at this and she told me that Greece didn't wear togas but it was too late that was the Romans apparently but the slided had already been made so there's nothing I can do about this now the if we pop Scotch forward to 1890 of William James who is really the first American psychologist he had a few ideas about self-esteem he didn't really say that much about it that this was just sort of a his first take thoughtful take about how to look at this process first of all it was a feeling that people have about themselves and he also noticed that it changed and that it's also related to competence and so these are three ideas early ideas coming out of really the most influential American psychologists didn't in the 19th century we're going to revisit William James a little bit later as we sort of put together and explore some of these ideas that he first had now this some of you of course know who this is but some of you don't this is edito Wilson you should know by the distinctive ants that are crawling all around him he's the world's leading authority on the ants at Harvard University and eternal Wilson the actually came up with a concept called Concilium which puts self-esteem in an interesting perspective even though he didn't intend to do it and this is the notion of Concilium so this is how we're going to frame this self-esteem in the context of essentially the life sciences conceal ants is the idea that there's a unity of knowledge in the universe I it goes from how physics works and then physics will determine chemistry and chemistry will determine the laws of biochemistry Plaza biochemistry will determine the laws of biology biology will determine the laws of psychology and psychology will determine how things happen in sociology anthropology economics political science the arts everything other words so what we see is that there can't be something that's going on in biology that is inconsistent with the laws of chemistry and we can't see things that are going on in political science that are inconsistent with the laws of psychology in other words knowledge is integrated and therefore psychologists are going to try to understand psychology better the what they need to do is go a step backwards and to understand biology if they understand biology then it will help them understand psychology in the same way that if a chemist is struggling to understand something in chemistry about some phenomenon they don't understand the place to go looking is physics go one level down and try to make sure you understand the fundamentals there so it turns out that other theories had not considered this so they were lost in space and if you guys remember the old show lost in space this was dangerous Robbie the robot telling us look if you don't know what you're doing you're in a lot of trouble so we're going to go back to biology and biology is going to rescue us and help us put our investigation of self-esteem on a very firm footing so once again we're going to begin with William James and it's starting with self-esteem as a feeling so first let's understand what feelings are because we know that self-esteem an important component of it is simply how does that we feel about ourselves so we first need to understand what a feeling is now what we sees first of all is that sensations are our feelings of that kind are very clearly signals so if you're hungry it's telling you to do something which is to eat your cold it's telling you to get warmer if your foot swords telling you about walk on it and if you're tired it's telling you to sleep so your feelings are actually not random there are actually biological signals that are orienting the organism to tell it what to do when it's best philological interest so here's a gal hiking in the woods so let's make her some ancient person and she looks out on a landscape and what we're gonna see is she sees the river in the trees and she feels like it's beautiful she has a positive the feeling towards it that's because that landscape is showing queues that are good for human beings to survive like water and trees and fruit and so on and so forth if she's looking at a desert she might not feel like it was so beautiful a big pile of rocks or maybe a I don't know a strip mine or maybe a garbage heap okay none of those would have that same feeling this feeling is a is a cue to signal the organism that she's actually in good circumstances for human beings and here's a boy looking at a girl he thinks thinking the same thing beautiful and why that is is that that is also a feeling telling him that that that's a place to try to figure out how to reproduce his DNA so these are our basic life processes and when you have a beautiful landscape or beautiful person or beautiful music beautiful sounds these beautiful scenery these are actually signs that things are valuable in some fashion sometimes it's a little tricky to figure out what they are but that is why we have those positive feelings we also have negative feelings so here's my cat they going to dump on the carpet and of course I'm not happy about it so and the reason why is it's best bacterial contamination that I'm going to have to deal with and the cat seems happy about it I'm not and this is uh this is again feelings orienting us towards the biological processes here either positive or negative so we're going to go back now and say well now wait a minute is it self-esteem a feeling if it's a feeling then this is a signal and we need to try to figure out what it's trying to signal us if we're going to make use of that signal so it is in fact a signal process so let's try to get a little bit of a feeling as to what self-esteem is signaling now uh the first the first psychologist scientists that actually figure this out there's a guy by the name of Mark Leary dr. mark Leary ah now at Duke University and he was the first one to say yes self-esteem is in fact the signal and we're going to use the lens of biology to try to understand what it's signaling and what he comes up with is the notion that it self-esteem the feeling of self-esteem is a social acceptance feedback meter so it's just like a meter on your car so high self-esteem just means that you're getting a block lots of acceptance and low self-esteem means you're getting a lot of rejection I want to point out this is fundamentally different than the notion that for example Nathaniel Branden would have said Daniel Branden would have said that high self-esteem is just a good thing that you want a lot of ah and that that bad things happen if it's if you have low self-esteem that it's like a vitamin um Larry is saying no it's not anything like this it's a it's not a need that is being filled that you have to that you need in fact it's a result of something that's happening not a cause so high self esteem is a result of getting feedback that says you're being accepted and low self-esteem is a is a evidence that you've been rejected and in that way this would be a very important thing for keep people to have because if you are doing things that cause you to be accepted you want it want to essentially be encouraged to continue to do those things that are socially successful and if you do things that are causing rejection then you want to not be doing those things so in this way Leary is saying that this is very much like being too hot too cold uh being hungry or not this is a mechanism for telling you what to do now the what we're going to do is we're going to look and see there's a guy named Fred and he's got essentially three classes relationships that he's trying to get acceptance from from possible mates from possible friends and possible employers or customers and so he's going to want a feedback system to tell him when things are going well and that feedback system is going to be an esteem sensitivity in other words how people value them is going to cause him to feel things so Larry would say self esteem is a is feedback for social social behavior and he actually calls it asociado says you've got a socio meter in your head that is telling you when you've been accepted and when you've been rejected and the feeling of high self esteem is when the Sochi ometer is telling you but accepted and when you've been rejected the Sochi ometer tells you that as well so he went to the laboratory with this idea and what he did was he gave had people interact in a group and then he each gave them individual feedback out to the group as to what the rest of the group thought of them by saying that there the group got along and so they're going to hang out again next week and do something and that you though have either been invited or you haven't been invited and so this is what he did and it turned out this is what happened to people's self-esteem when they interacted with the group everybody is at the beginning at the start and then they either get feedback that says they were accepted by the other people or that they were being rejected by the other people and it turned out that then you measure people's self-esteem and when they got accepting feedback their self-esteem rose and when they got rejecting feedback their self-esteem lowered so this is critical now to the notion that EPS elf esteem is something that is built brick by brick from the time your little kid then it shouldn't be this dynamic it shouldn't be changing in a matter of half an hour with respect to feedback and so this is now challenging the notion that it's a vitamin or that it's a very subtle process that goes on bruised by bruise and rejection by rejection that is in fact not what Leary is showing here is showing that 20 30 minutes of hanging out with some people and doing good project and then you find out you either accept it or not has a major impact on how you feel about yourself right then this is now much more like a hunger Drive their words this is an orienting feedback telling you about success or failure and that is apparently the truth now um Larry was criticized for this when he showed this result and people said well that's because you're dealing with college students and they have very frail self esteems and they're not very grown-up real people and so real strong people don't care what anybody thinks and and they wouldn't be so subject to the feedback and so dr. Leary of course says well that's true that there's probably something badly wrong with you if you're not sensitive to what other people are feedback that you're giving then this is a disaster and so what he what he did is he actually ran a study where he took those people that quote didn't care what the feedback was from other people and when they ran those people in the study they came up with exactly the same results you just saw in other words it didn't make any difference at all if people that quote said they don't care what other people think we're giving rejecting feedback their self-esteem lowered and if they were given positive feedback it raised so this is a universal feature of human nature now we're going to go on to whom gal named Joanie here and we're going to look at her self-esteem and Joanie's got three classes of people that she's interested in getting feedback from potential mates potential friends and potential employers or customers he involved in work and trade and so her self-esteem mechanism or what Leary would call her so she ometer is going to be sensitive to feedback from each of those domains now the thing is is each of these domains is a competitive process so if she gets positive feedback from one of these guys that she's interested in her self-esteem should rise and it actually makes you feel happy to have your self-esteem rise if she gets rejecting three back it should fall and it should be a signaling device to tell her that whatever it is that she was trying to sell basically was not it wasn't effective the same thing would be true in trade or with friendships so she was seeking a job or the customer and she got positive feedback it should make her feel good about herself and if she gets rejected it should make her feel a little bit worse and so this is the nature of self-esteem it's actually a dynamic process now so and for potential mates here's to people meeting and what they're doing is is that they're actually running a cost benefit on each other because they're running a competitive analysis of this individual against other individuals they could maybe hook up with and so therefore the feedback systems are sensitive to whether this is a good deal if you think it's a good deal and they don't think it's a good deal and you get rejected then your self-esteem takes a little ding I for that for that period of time that's actually what it's designed to do this it's designed to be sensitive to feedback so if two people somebody wants to be friends people are looking for feedback from the other person and let's imagine now why this would be useful but suppose that you were trying to make friends in a new village and nobody wanted to be your friend then you should have a system that tells you that you're in trouble to try to get you to actually figure out how to how to act differently in a way that's going to cause acceptance as soon as you would do that and get acceptance in some way you should then feel better about yourself so in this way these feelings are guidance systems to help engineer social success which is critical for survival reproductive success in our species so what people are doing really is they're advertising uh for do these human relationships and so people advertise in different ways so this is a kind of a turtle and what it does is it sticks its neck out Wiggles it around and if the male does this in a way that the female finds pleasing then she gives him good feedback I've tried this in humans and this does not work now other birds will get to the top of trees and they'll chirping chirping chirp and the reason why there's birdsong they're all just basically saying the same thing they're singing a song that says mate with me I haven't found this to be effective either now it's also true that you'll try to just a lot of times advertise the shear strength so this is in the chimpanzee arena male chimps will grab bushes and will shake them to show strong they are and females will try to see who's the strongest and look at these displays I tried this it does not work either so I'm just queue again the young men in the audience I'll tell you that these things don't work in humans now the these are the classic display advertisements of our species for mates singing dancing athletics and beauty these are very easy Universal characteristics that human beings used to try to advertise and pop culture that you see out there singing dancing athletics beauty contests these are in fact the ways that human beings display and advertise and their self esteems go up and down depending upon whether they get good feedback or bad feedback um I'm not really poking fun at this at all this is what I call serious fun people like to make displays and they like to look at these displays because for people so we are actually connoisseurs of these display processes now Joanie's displays is that she tries to display fur mates here from his show her style and her dancing or singing or smarts or beauty in other words that's what she's trying to show and for friends she's trying to show some things as well and for trade as well so in trade you can see it's a little bit more about how hard-working and reliable and honest you are and that's not quite what you display in mating so they don't have contests mating contests that are all about that notice that the mating contests tend to be about beauty and dancing and singing and that's because each domain has its own advertisement process so if we look at Joni we see that she has an esteem meter in her head that's what I would that's what I call it mark dr. Larry would call it a socio meter but I call it an esteem meter for a reason that we'll get to shortly so here she's responsive to either good or bad feedback from the mates or the friends or the trading partners and when she gets good feedback she feels accepted and her self-esteem rise and when she gets bad feedback her self-esteem Falls and she creates anxiety and embarrassment and doubt this is essential folks ah bad feedback is that is causing the self-esteem to be lower is actually just as essential as it is to have a hunger Drive or to feel too cold or just have the pain in your ankle the notion that bad self-esteem causes bad outcomes is a terrible misunderstanding of psychology that actually is is the bedrock theory that even exists today so if you listen to dr. Phil or you listen to or read heard of Nathaniel Branden and the entire self-esteem movement literally they are not understanding the causal direction here the esteem meter is designed by nature as a guidance system and it is essential to have the lowered self-esteem when you are getting negative feedback that's the only way that you can figure out how to correct it um in the same way that if you eat something that causes you to throw up you know this is this is a essential that you feel a little bit of nausea around that food in the future for a while these are guidance systems and we need to respect them as such now so it's going to turn out that our competitive displays will improve with reversals and so of course just think back on your first date and I don't like to think back on my first stage but when I do I realize that things did get better actually I mean it was a long painful slow process however uh I did become more confident at that process than I was when I was 16 and all of us have so sometimes we have to have failure feedback and lowered self-esteem to encourage us to do things differently and to practice so here's Joanie getting ready for a date in which she does she actually looks in the mirror and and gets ready and checks herself to try to help herself deal with this competitive process so it's very interesting that she is preparing in advance for a advertisement and that she's using her own eyes as a way of analyzing whether she is ready so we're going to get to this in a second now the if you actually this is my neighbor out in front of his yard and this guy is looking at his house as if other people are looking at and what we see is that if he feels like it looks good then he actually feels better about himself so essentially his imagination um goes through the process of saying okay I think it now looks good my display is now ready if other people were to be right here and looking at my house they would say wow John that is a really nice house and they would give him good feedback so it's interesting that he feels good about himself from feedback from other people even those other people are not actually there and this is a fascinating characteristic of human beings that they have a way of transmitting this process to themselves I actually make sure that my yard looks so so so that my neighbor can think that his yard looks better than mine to help his self-esteem that's why we do that now so don't be overwhelmed by this by this chart here this is all going to make sense so here we see the maids friends and trading partners and we see Johnny's esteem meter and we see that if we go to the right there to be competitive she has to rehearse her displays like she's going to rehearse her dancing or she's going to reverse by putting the clothes on and her makeup for the date but she needs a feedback system to help her while she's rehearsing in order to make sure that her rehearsals are improving her and in order to do that she needs an audience to give her feedback and the audience she uses is actually an internal audience the human beings have invented in their natural history a set of neural tissue that effectively creates an internal audience of people watching us now it's not always watching us that it very often is so when you're cleaning your house or cleaning up your yard or putting on a new shirt and looking in the mirror you're actually using your internal audience to give you feedback to your esteem meter and if you think it is improved your competitive process and your advertisement looks sharper then your self-esteem Rises and if you feel like it's made you look worse or your house looks worse or the couch doesn't look good over there move it back that's because your steam meter is telling you that you believe that if other people were to see the display now it looks worse so we now have an internal process of that is independent of actual real people that's going on inside of people's heads and so this is this internal audience and the feedback that it gives to the steam meter is what I call self esteem the other steam is what I call esteem so with Joanie gets real live feedback from a guy named Horace and she's all excited that's a steam from Horace but self-esteem is what happens when the internal audience has Joanie look in the mirror and she says wow that looks good on me that is a self-esteem signal that is telling her that it believes that she has improved her competitive position in this process of getting voted in the world so this is how so it really turns out there are two different esteem processes the self esteem process is actually designed to help us get ready for the other processes and now this was anticipated many years ago by a grand old man of Harvard University a clinical psychologist by the name of Robert white and he basically just said this he said what he calls self-esteem had two sources the outside and the inside other people gave good feedback or just feedback from the outside and then also when he had feedback from the inside now his view wasn't very sophisticated but you know what it was right on target it was just an early psychologist looking at this problem and saying you know what there's two sources of this feeling and and so I have divided it up into actually esteem versus self esteem of to help delineate this conceptually but this is what he was thinking and of course he was right on target so it's going to turn out that this is a quick slide here that her self-esteem mechanism is actually you see what people display to the far right which is Beauty intelligence personality factors all kinds of things that people are displaying she could be getting negative feedback in the mating arena from the man Horus that she's interested in but getting pretty good feedback from friends and soso feedback from work or she could be getting great feedback from work not good feedback from Horus or she could be getting great feedback from Morris and lousy feedback from her best friend in other words the concept that self-esteem is unitary is mistaken that your self-esteem has highs and lows depending upon the feedback that you're getting from the domain that's involved and so this is now much more sophisticated than a notion that your self-esteem is just this unitary thing that that you carry with you all the time either slowly building or slowly decreasing um here's Joanie now looking at a goal she if she thought if she did she would lose 40 pounds she'd be more accepting now she's got some friend named slim soo so I want you to think about this dynamic so slim says looking at Joanie and thinking yeah I really like you Johnny or 5vs5 you know uh you got a way problem obviously so swimsuit may not say this but she's thinking miss now Johnny maybe knowing that slim suit thinks this so she's going to try to say look slim suit I am going to lose some weight and so if she does think that slim Suh let's think about what slim su is going to be with thinking she's going to be thinking that you know what I don't believe that I've heard that twenty-seven times before so slim Suh may not say I don't believe it but she probably doesn't believe it that being the case the same thing is going to be happening inside Jamie that her internal audience is going to not be believing her when she says on the loose and white now the internal audiences whole point is to try to anticipate what real live people would think so johnny was thinking okay well if I lost some weight I'd get better feedback so maybe I'm going to tell people though I'm going to lose some weight well if you lose a pound you're going to get no positive feedback from the world because they can't tell and the internal audience is not going to be very impressed if you tell it if you tell yourself hey I think I'm going to do this they're not going to be anymore believing in Slim silly belief but I want you to imagine that let's suppose that Joanie actually works very very hard for three or four weeks that's called three weeks now first two or three days slim Sue's got her her arms crossed and isn't believing anything that would also mean that Joanie herself or internal audience should also have the same reaction like I don't believe it but if you continue on and continue to work if if slim sue were able to observe every move Joni made which is exactly what her internal audience tells then even within a couple of weeks slim sue would say wow you're really impressing me and Joni would say well I'm down four pounds now slim would say well I can't see it but it is apparently true because I can see everything that you've done the last two weeks and I can you know and I watched you step on the scale and it looks like that's actually happening the internal audience will have the same reaction the internal audience if you grid it out and actually do a very good job the internal audience is watching you and your self-esteem will rise long ahead of any positive feedback that comes from the outside world so this is the way to attack a problem like weight loss or actually any other goal that is difficult that it's important for all esteem and or self esteem is to gut it out knowing that the self-esteem mechanism will give you positive feedback and way ahead of any positive feedback that other people are therefore this is an essential understanding of self esteem understand just how different this is than the concept that we have today that if a child self-esteem is low we're going to keep a bunch of praise on him by another to make have feel better about himself this is pseudo steam this is just dinging the little meter basically giving it junk food instead what needs to happen is he needs to understand where he is actually struggling in the competitive process he needs to then be encouraged and shown the fundamentals to work at the problem so that he gets actually more effective and then when he does that and puts in the work his self-esteem will rise whether or not he's getting better feedback from other people yet or not this is actually the stepping stones to put firm foundations behind the self-esteem process the problem is is that when we begin self-esteem doesn't rise quickly and other people give us no encouragement so this could be motivational checkmate if we don't understand this process so this is slim sue now this is our gal if she diligently works at this process for eating 14 is slim sue if slim sue were watching would be impressed and starting to say hmm maybe you are really onto something here which is exactly what the self-esteem mechanism will do if you are diligent so this is how we want to attack this problem is knowing that the self-esteem rise that we may seek is out there and it's out there closer than we think it's actually designed to be much closer to us than the esteem that we would get from other people so for example if you are uh if you're working at a class in math and you're struggling with it and you're sort of quitting and giving up and and then you decide I'm going to work really hard I'm going to get some help and I'm going to grind this thing through as you do this if you've gotten some bad feedback your you do not have good esteem from your teacher the teacher does not think that you're much of a student however if you are quietly grinding in your house and you are getting better and getting better and seeing that you're getting better you are in fact your self-esteem is rising even though you have not gotten any positive feedback yet when you go and take a test and you do a good job then you get the esteem from the outside but the self-esteem was happening are before the esteem would happen ah my mother grew up in a little town and that little gold mining does town and called Placerville Idaho and her you know about 40 people lived there her whole life it's ten miles off a dirt road way north of Boise Idaho and it turned out that her great grandfather named Perry Fairchild owned a little mining claim called gold Hill and he mined that for many many years and just struggled to make a little living out of it it was sad not not very effective and one day finally he decided to sell his claim called goldville and a new mining operation came in and they suck a shaft I don't know 20 feet deep or something and took out six million dollars with the boy quickly which of course my mother tells that story that's that's our families you know tailed whoa actually it's a good thing for me because then she wouldn't have been a struggling young teacher and met my father and then I wouldn't have happened so it's actually a good thing as far as I'm concerned that very clear child didn't know that he had a rich claim now but my point she told me this story this I said that's just like self-esteem self-esteem is much closer to the surface than people know self-esteem is not destroyed by the thousand and one rejections that you get in this life from the time were little kids and that were bruised banana by the time we're 50 that can't be repaired that is not true self-esteem is right under the surface as long as quickly as you start digging and showing the diligence and then starting to get some positive feedback from improving your display whatever it is that you're trying to work on whether it's your house your garden your waistline your math abilities your ability to dance doesn't make any difference whatever it is your self-esteem is very close to the surface on it's just like that gold and if we start digging we do not have to wait for other people to tell us we do not have to wait for their encouragement in fact their encouragement and accolades will come after they start to see that we have improved and that will be very nice esteem is a wonderful thing to get from other people when it's authentic and when it's a realistic and fair it is useless when it comes when it's funny or just telling somebody that their look that they are done really well when they add lot on self-esteem the feeling that comes from knowing that I have done a good job and I have earned it that is something that only you can give to you and only you can actually own it and the thing is is you're designed to earn it and your nervous system will in fact give it to your internal audience will give it to you if you go about the process of diligent effort in the face of some difficulty and that folks is the reasonable price of self esteem and if you pay that price it is not that high your nervous system is designed by nature to encourage you when you start moving the right direction and put out good efforts it respects you for those efforts even though you may struggle a bit it's okay in the same way that you respect anybody that struggles but they're struggling and working hard your own internal audience is the same thing for you and your self esteem must rise as a result of this and this is the key to having the white you deserve and that's what we have today oh yeah dr. Lisle that was a truly marvelous presentation captivating yeah wow you have given us so much to think about the last few minutes it really made me reminded me of my journey from going to being an overweight person to losing about 80 pounds and how the self-esteem changed and so that it's not something that it's like you said it's not set yes dr. Lai would you mind clicking this this year screen so they used up sharing the PowerPoint presentation and then I there you go okay the way you can see you and personally think and I know the everybody here has had a great experience and I want to mention one more time and I'm putting here on the screen now that to be able to reach you they can email you at dr. Doug Lyall at yahoo.com and they can visit your website for I think you do private one-on-one consultations right I sure do those are people can either write to me and ask me about that or they can also just go to my website and my website has a that's a appointment program and they can they get scheduled appointments anytime they want very good very good we will I don't know if you have anything else that you want to add yeah I I would just say that I've said it all because I is it's such a very passionate about this you know yeah when people feel down and defeated sometimes they sort of feel like the kind of stopped you know forever or that this sort of that they're they're doomed to have these kind of low internal feelings and the misunderstanding of self-esteem rough history of psychology has been as essentially aided and abetted this through our lack of understanding of the process but Neely the truth is is that we have tremendous amount of control over self-esteem we don't have so much control over these scheme signals that we get from other people whether they ever think much of our efforts but we have almost complete indirect control over our own self-esteem process and so you will have the self esteem it will be given to you if you earn it and your internal audience you might be your own toughest critic but you will still impress that critic not necessarily with brilliant outcomes but with helps with excellent effort the critic is always impressed and that that's what we want to know we want to know we can feel much better I have people that can feel much better literally in three days going on a new diet and exercise program they can feel much better about themselves even though maybe three months away from any positive feedback from the outside world right right that's that's a key the pinkie is this very important oh well thank you again and Anatomy doctor it just a pleasure to to talk to y'all folks and I look forward to next time very good we'll see you in about a month or so your epic attack my bye everybody
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