Home 🏠 🔎 Search


Bad Transcripts
for the
Beat Your Genes Podcast & More

Episode 96: 10 paid dates-what now Societal expectations of parents, future of race
an auto-generated transcript


To get a shareable link to a certain place in the audio,
hover your mouse over the relevent text,
right click, and "copy link address"
(mobile: long press & copy link address)
 


all right good evening everybody it's Nate G along with dr. Doug Lyall with the beat Eugene's podcast dr. Lyle how're you doing today good good good to hear your voice excellent good to hear your voice too before we begin we've got some questions in the queue before we again I was I was perusing the internet and came across some webinar that dr. Lyle was doing dr. Lyle you were doing and it was about how to tell people when you're interested in something how to essentially show them that you enjoyed something without turning them off of it so your technique I think it was like a seem strategy where you know you read a book you really liked it and you just kind of pass it off it's like oh yeah as no big deal I kind of read read half the pages here and there and didn't even read the whole thing and seem to make some sense and basically your technique was you're trying to get the other person out compete you so did I understand that right yeah in other words we we wouldn't want to have people feel like that if they if they were interested in went and got the book that they would always be second place to you so that the idea is that they could actually beat you to the end of the book and therefore they could be the authority rather than you so yeah that's a just a little a little nuance that's particularly useful when we're talking about books that are involving health advice which which has a moral undertone to it that we want to avoid so that's that's the idea there ah okay so I thank you for clarifying that because there was little nuances that I didn't quite get in your explanation so the reason I brought this up is because a couple of days ago a friend of mine asked me well what's a book that changed my life and why and I told him the pleasure trapped by dr. Lyle and he said well what's that book what's it about and so I'm trying to use your technique all I replied was though some psychologists blabbering about happiness just to go that's more or less right [Laughter] there's a good job yeah so I was wondering probably a better way to say it was I read a couple of pages and it seemed to make some sense but what is about I mean it's different for everybody there yeah that's pretty good job okay so a little plug for your book that was not intentional I just came up recently and that's why I decided to bring it up but yeah all right yes okay so let's go on with these questions we're going to go straight to him I change the title of this this podcast right as we started so we've got a couple of different questions in and let's just get right down to it dear dr. Lyle I've made it to ten paid dates with a man I met a couple of months ago on an online dating site he's 58 on 53 we both have been single for a very long time and I would say we're both very similar on the looks scale but perhaps I might be slightly higher in terms of attraction the dates have been really nice and fairly expensive they've all been centered around fun activities like gondola rides mountain hikes Opera tickets show tickets the number of other plays and events all of these dates also include dinners out before the events I've been having a lot of fun with them and we've only kissed finally after the eighth date which was his move but there's been no other moves by either one of us other than the date the end of date kiss on dates eight nine and ten I'm attracted to him and I'm enjoying the speed that the relationship is moving and he's not pushing for anything more at this point so I'm wondering why is he moving so slow though as I'm used to men trying to move things along at a lot face faster rate than he is also I'm wondering what happens after ten paid dates am I supposed to start paying for some of the dates to even things up if so how frequently look he has more money than I do and doesn't seem to expect me to pay so far I wouldn't be able to afford such nice events on a regular basis as he seems to be able to just a little confused I've been out of the dating world a long time haha that's priceless we've got a conscientious conscientious individual there well for a person who's going out on the dating thing for the first time in a long time she's getting an A+ doing everything just fabulously well and you know I've got people that I know that are listening to this that are that are struggling with the ten pay dates idea and and because it's you know it can it can be difficult and it can be confusing to implement it particularly if you're sort of not used to it and you're and you're not sure all of the the dynamics that are swirling around you this is I I almost couldn't have written this up any better if there were fiction so women out there that are struggling pay attention as I've said when a guy is serious he's in no rush this guy is in no rush and he is behaving this way this is clearly his interest is clearly a para bond strategy so he his big move comes on date eight in other words he's he's accepting in in nice Pleasant excited relief the notion that he continues to be accepted for the next date okay so she's giving him she's enjoying herself she finds him attractive enough that she's interested in continuing to be there he's not pushing at all very slowly okay he's not wanting to mess up a good thing this is the difference in behavior behind casual mating strategy and pair-bond strategy so now males can be interested and be willing to to gamble on both strategies at the same time so they're willing to push for casual mating get rebuffed slow down and then play pair bond strategy and then discover whether or not they're really that invested etc so that that can also be a way that things go can also be true that let's face it it's quite possible that that the males really interested in the female and the female could be quite interested in the male and depending upon those personalities and how open to experience they are and how sexual they are by nature they could be moving along way faster but if you do that and you're the female you are risking the possibility that the male will unconsciously infer that he is superior to you and that is why he was able to get to the egg so early so so that is that's a serious potential inference that you are risking so in this case what we have is a pair bond you know a male who no matter what his history is he may have been a hound for all we know undoubtedly not though but he could have been but in this particular case he is he believes that he is being highly rewarded in this situation and therefore he does not want to mess it up and so this is just beautifully right on target behavior so now they're now they're kissing at the end of every date now eight nine and ten everything is going perfectly according to dr. Lappe sketch and the listener are not supposed to be paying for anything you just keep it right there now at this point it wouldn't be unreasonable for the female to send some kind of reciprocating cue for that she would be willing to give to the relationship so this is where you you may want to cook dinner for the guy and so this is a way of you showing that I am willing to be a participant and do things okay in other words be a member of a team but yeah the situation being what it is you're definitely not going to be starting to offer to pay for anything he's this is a this is an old-world gentleman who understands that it's his job to to pay his way to pay the way here and it's all going away it's all going beautifully and good luck to these people this is great well you can you're now allowed to sleep with him a tie so just says this is all this is all we have now smoked out the casual mating motivation out of the male we have very clear evidence that that is not what the what this is about so now it's all good luck and we'll just see what happens very fascinating what would be curious to see how this thing turns out follow-up question from one of our listeners three months ago on the same question was what do you think about the book by Ellen Fein called the rules it was Ben Ali's I never read it's hard to yeah I never I never read the rules have certainly heard about it and and the I think they're I think I read a synopsis once online and I think in other words I think the rules are they probably have some decent intuition about the kinds of things that I talk about I don't think that they they certainly don't understand the evolutionary under pending they're just they're just kind of you know they're just intuitive some of these things and I have no I can't say I can't imagine that you write a whole book about these dynamics and that you'd have a bunch of rules for all these different dynamics the rules are really pretty simple don't don't allow the male's casual mating strategy to run over the top and miss a potential pair button so you do not want to you don't want to put his psychology in a position where he infers that he must be too fancy for you or you wouldn't have given up the eggs so easily so this is this is very much all you need to do to understand the quote rules yeah I don't know what other little Mickey Mouse rules that they have but they fill the book with but really this is nothing other than used car negotiating so if you've got a nice you know classic Camaro that is a nice car and it's you know it's book value is $14,000 and you're you you believe your car is as good as the book value should be and you put it on sale for 15,000 you know hoping to get a buyer that is going to bid a little bit high give you a little bit more than you were looking for because you'd be very excited about that if somebody comes along and says wow really nice car would you would you take thirteen thousand what you don't do is you don't say sure okay of course not you're not going to take less and if you did that even then what would happen is the guy on the other side were let's suppose he offered 14 and you said absolutely he would think huh I could have got it for Less okay so even if your target may be 14 we are not going to jump to it he's going to say well what's the least you'd take for it you're going to think well I'm really not sure it's been on the market I'm just getting a lot of good calls I got a lot of interest you know we're just going to see and he's like well I want to take it for a test drive he's like well not when it we're not where it's wet okay so the point is is that we're going to slow the process down the person is going to be aware that you're not jumping at their offer but you're interested and when they offer 14,000 you're going to say I'll think it over and I'll kind of get back to you maybe we'll talk and then they're going to go away and they're going to think huh Wow what about 14 5 and so this is this is how you would negotiate a car deal so you got to figure out that this is the very same dynamics that are going on here in in man women dynamics and you do not want to be too eager because if you're too eager then they feel like their stuff is better than your stuff so that's why had 10 paid dates is I mean 10 10 yeah they're on a rule 2 10 pay dates but it's conceptual do not allow them and to move quickly towards the most valuable thing in the world which is the female sexuality the don't don't allow that process to take place if you do there is a very significant chance I'm not going to say it's certain but it's significant that the male's brain may be wired up in such a way where he infers that he can do better that that was too easy okay and so that's that's what you don't want to do that's the the most fundamental dynamic to the rules whatever else is that they say I can't speak to but that that basic dynamic is the dynamic that we want to honor and that's what 10 pay dates is about okay well we've got a collar on also but I want to ask a follow-up question first and then sure we'll get to the collar yeah so what you're saying is is that the the may the male will subconsciously infer that that essentially he's more fancy than the girl yep is it is it also true that if the male acts in a way that if he mimics say you know arrogance if he mimics basically alpha like behavior then the female infer that he actually is I guess more fancy a good luck I remember you sat on the mod cast like a year ago that that that's that that wasn't true but I'm wondering why right yeah the reason it's true is fascinating and it's it's really great question Nate I'm really glad glad glad you remembered it and that it's puzzling you the the reason I say so is that for this has actually been done in social psychological experiments and it turns out that what happens is is that the females are designed by nature to check it and so the females will actually when you watch them with somebody that is essentially bluffing alpha status that they will cross-examine them and that they will test them in certain ways and it's going to turn out that if they are not really alpha they'll fold their tent so this is you really cannot laughs being alpha you either are you aren't okay so you either believe that you you deserve that females attention and that you have been with 50 just like her and no problem that you you outrank her and that she ought to be on her knees you either really feel that way or you don't okay and so this is so it turns out that you can't Bluff it and when they've studied this what they find is that the males that are instructed to bluff they Bluff for a little while and they very quickly run out of steam that's interesting it's a really good question you would expect that this would be true because over evolutionary time the I always this is always the joke in you know success stuff like fakty you make it really thing wet and who are you bluffing and you really think they're going to get away with it the the if this were true then the truth of the matter is is that that people would be bluffing like crazy all the time and getting away with it you cannot Bluff all the time and get away with it in fact you're lucky to ever bluff and be successful the truth of the matter is is that the marketplace certainly in sexual dynamics being very important female sexuality being very expensive and therefore a carefully guarded Treasury the females are not easily duped and so that that's why that is true very interesting yeah I've read about some of this phenomenon that you remind me of it because yeah this is yeah that makes a lot of sense because you can play like you're like you're some some alpha but then the girl will disagree with you somewhere and you know just a normal person will be like okay honey I feel yeah you're right where where's no Rio that's AdMob beautifully said you know I had I had a guide that I spoke to maybe 15 years ago and he he was desperate to try to be one of these pickup artist players and he was maybe a six and he kept convincing me that the pickup artists guys you know you didn't have to be that fancy and you could do this and you could really you know really score right off the bat and this was just unbelievable the this guy this guy was right out of it you know a Tom vu real estate seminar this was all about how you're going to get rich quick easy and you can just do this and what you need is bunch of bluff and bluster and I'm just listening to this like you got hit yeah poor guy and you know he was investing a great deal of time energy and money in this process and and of course my attitude is why don't you go do some get some serious personal achievements okay and quit trying to bluff and actually go in there with a few cards and see how you can play and the interesting thing about some personalities is they don't want to do it they don't want to go to the hard work of actually having something interesting to say and something to show and so you know if you're that guy who's two six and you want to sleep with nines you better have some serious freaking achievement at the least you better be damn good at the guitar all right our third caller sure all right color now what's your name where you calling from Jack in LA all right rock and roll Jack Kilby what's that well I just listening to what you're just saying my when beta male was kind of in the mainstream my friend who is a biologist said none of this applied to humans that is just chimps but does it apply to did it apply to us in the Stone Age what are you what are you referring to alpha males and beta males you know you with humans Oh does it apply in the modern environment Oh your friend may be talking about how this is a loose good really good question Jack and let's get clarification because I know that these these concepts are used in modern you know discussion even like the ones we're having and they're used very loosely without good precision so in in other species the dominance hierarchies have a tendency to be quite defined so and depending upon how the species they have greater and less precision in terms of their strict verticality so if you were looking at chickens in a in a pecking order that pecking order is surprisingly precise and in in dogs for example you're going to find that there's definitely an alpha dog then there's a beta dog etc and I believe that those can be quite precise in humans it is not precise so in humans the it's essentially it's a little bit different so let's let's talk about how human nature what we're really what we're really discussing here in terms of human status or what I call it scheme I actually have changed my discussions over the last decade to use the word esteem instead of status for various reasons but one of them is that when you use the word status it flips everybody out they get all defensive and they say that they're not seeking it but if you say well what we seek is a steam everybody nods their head and they're willing reason okay so that that's why I don't I don't call my discussion status dynamics I call it a steam dynamics it has a much better flavor and we get past a lot of human defensive 'no skon cept now it's going to turn out that human but we're going to talk status here because we're not wimps and we're going to be just straight truth so that we can see it so it's going to turn out that status is much more diffuse in human nature so it's going to be the case that if you think about two people looking at a third person in the village those two people may rate that person's value to them as somewhat different so one person rate will for example in the most ultimate example would be two people are looking at some little old lady in the village and that little old lady is one of them which means she's really friggin important and to the other one it's it's nobody important at all so that woman has a great deal of status with her son but she has no status with the other guy okay so so we can see that status is your total status is an amalgam of all of the little ratings of everybody in the village that they have inside their head of you and you can imagine though that if you are the biggest strongest hunter in the village that you are that you have literally if we were to rate what if we were to get inside of everybody's head and get a rating as to how valuable they found you you would probably be the most valuable member of that village and so but everybody would have a little bit different feeling about it so one guy might rate you third most viable because he's got two brothers that really love the daylights out of him and they're both pretty competent people and quite frankly he would save either one of those two brothers before he would save you even though you're theoretically the MVP okay so he you're way up there in his in his eyes you might be the fifth most viable guy out of 30 even though the village sees you is number one so this is how and you might be overall the MVP of the village and we could call you legitimately MVP of the village because if we were to add up all of the status that you have you would have more stat total status than anybody else so if we gave everybody a you know one to thirty score and we added up everybody's scores you would have the highest total rating it might be three point three seven that might be the highest rated human being in the village the that would mean by definition you are probably the safest person in the village because it would mean that more total resources would be likely directed it would be directed at saving your hide then would be directed at saving any else's hide okay the and so in this what this is so now but what humans don't have is they don't have a situation where oh that's alpha that's beta that's gamma that's Delta they don't have that so we don't have that type of status verticality or thinking about about things so when we use the term alpha male this is actually very sloppy okay and it is your friend is right that it is not actually consent with human nature that make sense yeah yeah yeah so but we see when we see big strong or dominant a male that actually orders people around essentially considers himself in charge and is being being treated as if he's in charge we call that an alpha male but that doesn't mean you know but but that doesn't mean that the psychology of the of the human actually simply assigns that to him and then everybody else falls into line that's not how it works okay got it yeah good good question Chuck thank you thank you very much for the phone call really appreciate it yeah God walk all right all right okay go next question okay this is about parenting with societal expectations so dear dr. Lau's two-part question one is if you know of any parenting books evolutionary ecology standpoint and the second one is about this situation so dear dr. Lao my husband and I both did very well in school my kids are not yet excelling in school they're just 9 and 11 my son Levin year-old has a tough time I hear the same thing from his teachers year after year he's very smart has great things to say in class but when it comes to his work on paper he falls short he does a quote job to get things handed in he kind of squeaks by on a lot of his assignments they feel that he's not putting in enough effort I agree but I think he's just not engaged he hates writing and it affects what his work but I'm not particularly worried I think he'll sort it out when he finds a reason to do well in school I also think he'll be fine in life he's very good at applying himself when he's interested and is quite resourceful what I need help with is negotiating other parents including my spouse who is the typical Asian parent and is very concerned about his achievement and negotiating the teachers I find there's a lot of Prayer on me as a mother to teach my kids conscientiousness they seem to see it as my role to make him want to achieve just for the sake of achieving they want me to help in developing in an ins accumulation that's literally what I just got told the other day however I feel like I'm being asked to paint the sky green even though I think they're way off base I have to question am i doing it wrong that this kid doesn't care about making the honor roll to put in the effort are these teachers and my spouse out of line as am i an effective parent should I be worried about his grades any and all advice great great question just just great stuff yeah here's the deal she is right on target and everybody else is wrong so you are not going to like quote develop this kids intrinsic motivation to achieve in school it's a total joke kids 11 years old couldn't care less so this is a this is just a great example of this is what Beecher gins is about so the everybody else's genes are running their show they're like oh my god we've got to get this kid to the top of the dominance hierarchy oh my god push push push push push oh you're doing a terrible job as a parent because your kids not push push push push push to get the top of the dominance hierarchy this is a frickin fiasco and so she's got a hyper conscientious spouse that undoubtedly pushed his way as hard high as he could get in the dominance arc and he thinks that had he not done that I mean working diligently you know at it on his 11th birthday that he never would have gotten into who knows where Stanford never would have become an electrical engineer never would have gotten a great wife never would have had three good kids one of which has got a lazy streak okay so yeah this is a total fiasco and now the only question is how these people that are not going to grasp this so I would there would be a number of strategies that would come to mind it's always a good idea to blame somebody else so this is a time to blame big Louie that's what I call it and so I can be big Louie so that we can you can tell the husband and tell the teachers and tell everybody else that yes you know I'm actually I'm actually following the advice of a motivational psychologist and what he says is that we're going to we're going to wait you know we're going to wait a little while before we really get him moving that we're going to let him find his way for a while so we've got he says we've got another year okay so we're going to just punt this down the road for a year so if the kids 11 I don't know what is he in sixth grade so we're going to punt it down until seventh grade and they're like oh probably shouldn't wait but okay so yeah this motivational psychologist really says that you know the time to wait until seventh grade when seventh grade comes you said well the motivational psychologist says some kids don't really get started in the seventh grade they wait till the eighth grade okay yes so we're really going to do it differently on the eighth grade because some you know he's just seems to be there's some percentage of kids that are slow starters on that issue so we're going to wait till the eighth grade then we're going to dig in and that's what you do you just keep kicking the can down the road with a story like that so that you understand the issue you understand they've got a point yeah it makes sense but you've talked to you know dr. Schmo the expert about this and dr. Schmo tells you nyeeehhh big Louie is telling you that this is how you should do it so that's that's what we would do well and meanwhile have the husband listen to this and maybe get a phone consult with me if he's going to if he's going to be twisted up into a pretzel he's he's actually missing an important component of this child's life which is that the whole idea here is for the kid to have fun this is the point of childhood it's the point of life is to have fun point of life is not to get caught climbing some dumb and turkey and start when you're four so that somehow you can be one inch ahead of the genetic competition you know when you're 19 - total fiasco alright posted and there's all know of any parenting books Fuhrman ouch I don't know one I I will be writing a section on this in in my book okay yeah alright so we'll get to it somebody's finally going to get to it all right next question hmm okay so this has to do with a little bit of our future episode a couple episodes back to dear doctor while I've been paying it a lot of attention to the racial polarization that's been occurring the us and to me it would seem entirely due to our hunter-gatherer tendencies to favor those who look like us since they would theoretically be carrying similar copies of our genes black identity groups proliferate African genes whilst the alt-right wants to proliferate you for European genes but do the historical reasons such as Nazi Germany and slavery the alt-right is widely condemned in black identity politics is encouraged as a sort of balancing mechanism what do you think will happen to human population groups over the next say hundred years will we reach an equilibrium where certain groups dominate their ancestral homelands like Japan Japanese people chop dominating Japan Russians in Russia or will humans amalgamated into one global race really interesting really thoughtful and interesting thinking here and much legitimacy to what this person's thinking through as far as I could see the I would say that what's what's inevitably going to happen is you're going to get one race and that's that's simply I'm not looking at this is I'm just looking at this is essentially is this what almost we you look at is fluid dynamics so this is this is inevitable but this is headed towards one race the it's just straight great gene trading processes now it may take a thousand years to get all the way to essentially to one race that would be essentially 50 generations we're not I believe I mean we're never going to live to see it so this is all just speculation you could talk about all kinds of things like how they'll have anti-gravity machines and 2,350 and you can say anything you want because nobody's going to be able to verify it but I think you're already seeing it in other words you can you can look in the current time for the trends that you are that you would be interested in observing and you're you can definitely see that the the barriers towards interracial mating and child having it are clearly being broken down very very quickly so the I can remember as a young kid in 1960s the idea of seeing an interracial couple a black and white was very odd okay it was very disturbing for for people and and it is no longer at least you know where I live in California and probably this is true most places it's just really hardly an issue now may be an issue in small-town America in some places but it's this is fading away very quickly and you can see that this would be a runaway trend so you can see that once you start to have an awful lot of people who are hybrids then pretty soon it all starts being completely a non-issue completely and so that's where this is headed so I suspect that that we're probably you know probably less than a thousand years from having essentially no longer what we would recognize his racist so human beings will be so mobile here in the next you know few hundred years that people will be globe-trotting all over the planet there'll be worldwide mating searches and there will be you essentially be squeezing out the last end of sexual attractiveness out of everybody's trading capability you're already seeing this so this is you know people on match.com or tinder if you're cool and young you're seeing okay for desperate people are you know the the point is is that what's going to happen is these devices for communication and having people hook up are actually all about squeezing out the last percentiles of value out of your about what it is that you have to trade so you can see that you would never have a population base of any kind sequester itself that would be that would be just completely insane that would be like well I'm only going to sell my prep plumbing services to people in Elk Grove I'm not going to go to you know one mile outside of Elk Grove into Sacramento I'm only going to do it here well that's a mistake in other words you will you want to be able to extend your services out as white as you can because you want to get as many people as you possibly can bidding for your services and therefore optimize you know what people would would be willing to pay it would be better let's suppose I'll give you a much better example for people that can't easily grasp the supply and demand dynamics here let's suppose that I had a Faberge egg okay very very expensive rare Faberge egg you know I ball worth five million bucks and I said I'm only going to sell it to people they'll live in Sacramento nobody else could buy this be like that's insane that the top bidder in Sacramento might only be willing to pay $350 dollars for the fabergé egg if I've got a Faberge egg I want to sell it on the worldwide market somebody in Monaco might give me five million but it's like no I want to go beyond Monaco I want to go all the way over to China because somebody in China is willing to pay me five and a half million the bigger my market is the more value I'm going to be able to squeeze out of the trade so this is precisely why it is that you're going to find people are going to be mating cross races they're there if there was no other reason that which there is but the point is if there's no the reason that would be an enormous ly important reason to go across because somewhere out there somewhere out there there's people that particularly like skinny brainy psychologists you know with floppy hair okay so this is somewhere out there that there's a there's some island of misfit toys where I could get 3% more on my trade and of course is the world comes to us with more communication capabilities that's exactly what's going to happen so behind that dynamic you are going to see one race and what we now know as races will be gone from this earth within a thousand years fantastic well we'll never live to see that but yeah be interesting if yeah oh it's going to be actually it will be interesting for them looking back at us and they will have all this photography and they'll be able to show time-lapse photography in history classes and show that what took place over several hundred years and they'll be able to show the the molding of the mesas and the morphing of races into that you'll be able to see evidence of the previous races in different what do you call it in different groups of people still a thousand years from now but at some point what you we would recognize as races will be gone would you do you think would you predict that in say a thousand years those people would appear more attractive to us if we were to somehow meet no no they would look like just like hybrids look now so you you are there's nothing about someone who's a little bit Latino and a little bit black and a little bit white and a little bit Asian right now and you look at somebody and you can't quite put your finger on what it is that they are if they're if they're beautiful they're beautiful and if they're not beautiful they're not beautiful in other words what you're you're doesn't require some novelty seeking ship to be into the mixed-race people not even close when you it's going to turn out the human beings have Beauty detects from detection mechanisms that are essentially looking for imperfections so it if you if you paddle up the Amazon basin and you you talk to some natives that have lived their whole life there and have never seen anybody else and you show them pictures of white women in Nebraska cheerleaders okay they are just as good at picking the better-looking ones from the less better-looking ones they will agree basically perfectly with guys that grow up in that town in Nebraska okay they they will also agree completely with guys in the middle of China in some Chinese village they will have exactly the same it is perfect so what we're seeing is that the beauty detection mechanisms are human universals and it doesn't matter what race you grew up with or what you've been exposed to you can pick it up okay because what you're looking for or invariances with respect to with with what is quote good genes and that is detectable anywhere by anybody interesting Gallinger so you're yeah as you as you push and pull the races around and mold them and morphs into one race it you'll still have the same the same you know bell curve in the same gradations of attractiveness at all all it'll all look just like it looks now only a little only kind of funny different because it's going to be they'll all be amalgams hmm no that should be interesting I see okay next can we hang on one more delay right sure okay dear dr. Lyle question is twofold there's a young lady I've been involved with in in the past but who has come back into my life she's been going through a divorce for a while and is a family friend she's smart gorgeous who I don't think is physically out of my league but she's definitely been catching my attention even before she announced her divorce she recently reached out to me and a couple weeks later had sex and seeing each other on the weekends for little quasi dates we have similar interests and both come from moderately successful families and we both have been through or are going through a divorce my question being why do I let myself fall for my attraction for someone who's still going through a divorce should I flee any relations long term with someone who can bring themselves to have an extramarital affair even under the current circumstances first of all but good question good question this is a quite a conscientious individual that would even ask such a question the so let's let's look at this and get to the root of what's what's going on what's happening here is that that it's useful to know that highly attracted people are almost never on the market in fact highly attracted people are almost always poached into the relationship that they are in okay the now there's very attractive people out there that are listening like well that's not true for me I've been I'm sorry for eight years but if we actually look at those people there would be reasons why they've been on the sidelines they may be particularly picky they may be particularly difficult in some way you know there may be reasons why a highly attractive person spends a lot of time in the sidelines but we're going to find that most highly attractive people are not on the sidelines and so and not only are they not on the sidelines most highly attracted people are in order to get to them they have to be poached and they are usually so so this individual yet this would this would be this situation so this individual is not actually on the open market so the only way to get to this person is you know this is she's very attractive the without any obvious scuba flaws on you know this isn't some broken ten this is a highly functional ten and so the person is not going to be on the market for very long and so as a result this guy is sitting in the sweet spot so he he actually is that as she begins the process of active testing her market value and also you know because she's going to going through a process of recalibration she's going to you know she's got some things that she's going to be going through but we don't know her psychology we don't know how pair-bond oriented she is how wild she is we don't know anything from from this description but it doesn't sound like she's a wild child sounds like what he's conscientious enough he's worried about gee what does this mean about some woman who would you know have a quote extramarital affair well it's not really an extramarital affair this is a person who is for for whatever reasons there are there are financial familial social there's all kinds of reasons why she's having to step through a bunch of Hoops on the way to what she believes his divorce she wants out in the Stone Age she'd already be out so she's not she's not wasting any extra time by when she sees someone she's interested in she's willing to pursue it this is very cool this is a it's totally fine I have there there's nothing wrong with a female who would do this or with the guy that would also pursue it this is a you know you're not going to get the good sanctimonious Christian talk out of me these are real lied people that are that are in relationships that are lasting longer formally than they ever would have been the Stone Age and they're ready to move on and so they've now found each other both and that's essentially in that same state good luck to them you know most most relationships where people are coming out of relationships for a while are probably not going to work just because people got a lot of calibrating to do they've got some some growing and experimenting to do but you never can tell and you know what that gorgeous ten isn't going to be on the market for too long this guy's got a shot at it good luck and you know good luck with all and do the best you can and just see what happens and enjoy it fantastic all right all right okay dr. Lao we we powered through these we did all good I had one question that came up is from the first question about the tempeh dates yes and so the question I have is is in this particular question the guy is 58 she's 53 so my question is does the natural drop of testosterone in a male lend itself to where he's more willing to wait when he's older for sex and not push for it and make a tactical mistake then when a kid is younger and he's got so much testosterone that he just kind of you know screws it up because he's you know trying to to get sex yeah very possibly very good very good thinking there and I have no doubt that if we were to chart that and we had thousand data points and we were able to watch you know cross-sections of behavior at 25 30 35 40 45 50 we would find that that would be true so however that doesn't excuse your behavior Nate yeah how did you know how I acted when I was 18 how did you know you can yes to predict that just so you just say you know I've always been really patient I had no room for error so I always had to take it slow so I'm going to call that that you know we'll call you dr. Doug vasopressor Lyle how's that yeah there you go oh my goodness all right good an excellent yep good all right dr. Lyle thank you very much we'll we'll see you all next week and if ya have a Merry Christmas for all the people who celebrate Christmas and for all the people who don't well have a Merry Christmas anyway
Back to the top
🏃     👖




Artist