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Episode 9: Love, Sex, Dating, Relationships
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our topic today is about love sex dating relationships marriage not necessarily in that order so I've talked about the subject with a number of people over the years and there's it seems to me that there's just a great deal of confusion here what's key I think in understanding how to find happiness in love sex and dating and all those things is really to figure out what the purpose of all this is many of the deeper explanations that I read and things like pop psychology psychology textbooks that I had in college any news articles and even depictions and movies they all seem to point to all kinds of different theories in this like for example Freud an Oedipus complex or that unhappiness and dating and love is some sort of childhood issue or maybe even a / sexual preference issue what's your opinion on this I guess what seems to be this mass confusion dr. Lisle well of course there's mass confusion because there's a complete lack of understanding of genetics and the and what we're going to call behavior genetics and also the the underlying genetics that have driven the human nature so trying to understand human romance and love and longing and all the all the things that take place inside of people and the challenges that are involved there are would be impossible to figure out and have a coherent theory unless you have a coherent theory of human nature so yeah everybody else's explanations and tell the dawn of evolutionary psychology have been hopelessly befuddled so yeah did that that that befuddlement continues and will continue indefinitely I want to play a clip for you because I wonder a video a movie a long time ago and it was a hilarious movie with Billy Crystal and Robert De Niro and it's about a psychiatrist who meets this mobster and this mobsters having relationship issues he experiences erectile dysfunction with this mistress and now he's worried about what's going on as you know a minute and a half clip but but it kind of cured the state of mind of what's going on here he was a big man and they but everybody loved the moon very well respected God rest his soul tell me pass away no I just like saying God rest his soul of course he passed away was about 12 of the time mm-hmm how did he die there was a sudden thing heart attack what was the relationship like be very close yeah you know we were pretty close we weren't getting along that great right then why is that I was hanging around the neighborhood how that boo God what is that like a kid gang hooligans shit nothing big but he too like that he didn't approve he slapped me around a couple of times hmm what and then he died hmm how'd that make you feel it felt great was a wonderful feeling how to make me feel what do I know think about it are you angry we afraid sad man maybe all those things any feelings of guilt or what I mean kill him I know that but I'm just speculating for that maybe in some way you may have wanted him to die why would I want my father to die well you said that you were fighting he slapped you around because you were rebelling against his authority it may have been someone resolved oedipal conflict English English Oedipus was a great king who killed his father and married his mother fucking Greece it's an instinctual developmental drive the young boy wants to replace his father so that he can totally possess his mother what are you saying that I wanted to fuck my mother no it's a primal fantasy you ever see my mother Paul are you out of your fucking mind it's Freud well then Freud's are sick fuck and you Otto for bringing it up it's absolutely priceless that is great thank you for it was that in with that and analyze this was it analyzed this analyzed this Billy Crystal Renn there I forgot that part that sequence but that is that is beyond priceless that's great Nate thank thanks for sharing that with us yeah so there you go you know a lot of the media depiction is that you know relationship issues stem from some sort of you know mom didn't put the toilet seat up or dad you know didn't cut my hair short enough or whatever it is or that or you know the other the other thing is that and I've heard this from different people actually that that maybe relationship issues can stem from not knowing the correct sexuality whereas you know I think a lot of people may be afraid of or at least maybe back twenty years ago it was this taboo to be almost sexual or bisexual whatever it is and so now they were worried that if you go to a psychologist and you know then you go you you become homosexual somehow yeah there's there's confusion beyond belief I'd said there's no end to it so another confusion is that you marry someone like your opposite sex parent because you are attached to that kind of a person or you've got issues with that kind of a person or the reason why you're having problems in your relationship is because you have issues with the opposite sex because you had issues with your opposite sex parent that were unresolved conflicts I mean this is this is just complete and utter nonsense and doesn't have anything to do with human psychology and yet psychologists are truly like a bunch of and basically like a bunch of blind snails you know but no no antenna on their head just sort of wandering around in the slime trying to make sense of the conflicts of the humans have in in relationships and romance they don't know what they're looking at and that's okay I mean that's it's been that way for thousands of years so you know basically essentially all psychologists will born or going to be born and live their lives and die utterly confused about what they're looking at and and that goes with respect to all of their patients as well for there we go it's in that yet everytime pleasant little opening salvo yeah every time I think of a psychologist I think of I think of this following clipping on the play in a second yeah same movie but about how people feel so much better when they talk to a psychologist but this is the same movie analyzed this he starts after his first session it's a funny kind of a thing but you know I feel better after I got all that off my chest I feel like I like allo allo is off my shoulders you're good back thank you I didn't do it oh you did something I did good some I'd it alone God where is it don't know you're good you're good you're good I'm gonna because of touch with you just one more thing if I talk to you you turn me into a fag I'm gonna kill you you nice thing we define psychology for you right there yeah the questions here we're let's talk a little bit about love dating sex relationships well let's just start off with the biggest question that everybody wants to know what is us all right well love is a it's a multi-faceted set of feelings first we're going to break down what a feeling is and so what a feeling is is a it's a device well it's actually an experience but an experience that requires a specific device and that device is a neural circuit and the neural circuit is designed to cause what you and I would call a feeling given given a set of environmental contingencies so for example in in the tip of your finger you've got the ability to detect changes in the environment with respect to for example temperature so you've got certain nerves or in your in your fingers that can detect whether it gets too hot or whether it gets too cold or etc the same way you've got other nerves very very close by they're not the same ones that can detect for example the roughness or smoothness of something that you're touching so for example if you touch something that's very very rough it will start to to stress the skin and it may tear tissue like like a rose thorn for example or really coarse sandpaper and you won't like that touch so you're going to find out that that neural circuits are not there just to go off there go off they go off and they create a feeling and that feeling that they create is either positive or negative or neutral so you can think about a feeling as being either super super positive up to the maximum a positive but a feeling could see could be or extremely negative as bad as it could possibly get or in the middle it's totally neutral and you can't even feel anything so if you put your finger in some water that is exactly the temperature of your finger itself you can barely feel it you'll feel the texture of the water but you won't feel the temperature of the water you can't feel it whereas if you put your finger in cold water if it's really cold it'll hurt very quickly if it's really hot it'll hurt really quickly if it's warm it won't hurt it'll might feel good to warm your finger up work you if you've been really hot it's a hot day and you put your finger in a cool water that might feel good so in other words it's going to feel good depending upon whether or not it is aiding your survival or reproductive potential so anything that is increasing your survival or reproductive potential is going to feel good and anything that is reducing your survival reproductive potential is going to feel bad okay so now we know what a feeling is a feeling is a guidance system it's a device where that your nervous system is hooked up to the world it this the sensors can feel things that are in the world so they might see things they might feel things by temperature they might hear things they might smell things they might taste things in other words there's going to be only five senses and those five senses each of them is there they are neural circuits and the nerves are designed by nature to take a certain kind of of energy that's in the world and translate that energy into a feeling so the in the case of the water it will we could take another one so you take a bite of an apple and you put it in your mouth feels good doesn't feel bad okay but if we take the same sized bite and it turns out that it's some dried up horse manure it's gonna feel bad you're gonna want to get rid of it okay so the basic issue is we are attracted to stimuli that feels good and they feel good for a reason and that reason is is that if we get closer and interact with it it's going to increase our likelihood of survival that's why we are attracted to food that's why we are repulsed by manure and stinky water and in bacteria-infested sewers okay this is why we like beautiful landscapes with rolling hills and flowers and trees etc because those are landscapes that look like they're good for human survival we are not attracted to something that looks like a you know a junk heap out in the middle of West Texas where there isn't anything living okay so we are attracted to certain stimuli and we are repulsed by other stimuli and so this is the beginning of understanding what love is because you cannot understand love unless you understand that it's a feeling and you can't understand why love would exist until you understand that why feelings exists feelings exist as guidance systems to tell organisms when things are either profitable or dangerous with respect to survive over there is nothing more profitable than been a romance for a human so a romance for a human a really steamy hot romance is is the whole point of your existence you were designed by nature to reproduce DNA in order to reproduce DNA you're going to have to have sex in order to have sex you're going to have to find somebody to have sex with you're gonna if you have more than one option you're gonna have to choose between those options okay and then what's your design to do is to choose the best option and so the best option is going to be the most totally attractive individual that you can get to have sex with and that individual is we are going to like that process very much another way of saying we've like something very much is to say we'd love it okay so we love a great-tasting you know pizza we love a great funny joke we love a great beautiful landscape we love things that are very attractive we love a great sound of a song and we love individuals okay and romantic love is specific kind of love that incorporates intense sexual attraction that is what that is it's basically a device to tell you that one is a really really good one and it's better than your other alternatives and therefore you or should be trying to you to mix your DNA with that individual that's ultimately what that is and a lot of it has to do with lust but it's not the only thing because love is actually a the feelings that we call love incorporate not just a single neural circuit that has to do with lust it also is incorporating other neural circuits that have to do with a longer-term investment process that is involved in reproducing DNA in humans so let me take this one more step before we before you can cross-examine me on this but the issue is is that in most species all there is is a lust circuit so all that species do is they try to find the individual out there in the woods this is the most sexually attractive individual and they try to have sex with them that is what animals do that's that's true of 97% of a million species that's what 97% of mammals do there's no such thing as romance in almost any mammal okay there's only a handful of mammals where they have any kind of attachment that you would call love human beings happen to be one of those and the reason is is that we have to do we we require long-term pair-bonding for for males to be attached to females in order for them to stick around and invest in their offspring so if they're going to do that they have to really really like the female not just find her sexually attractive so they have to analyze other characteristics of the female other than her sheer sexual attractiveness and when we start to incorporate those other aspects of the female we are this is now what we're going to call love okay so you may be extremely attracted to the looks of a car but if you but if you get inside of it in it and you start to drive it and it has a horrible Drive then you are not going to want to buy it no matter how great looking it is and so in that same way human beings will not quote love another human being unless that other human being has a host of characteristics that make for an exciting but also but also palatable Drive so hope that makes sense yeah that makes a little bit of sense if in fact it makes a lot of sense the question though is you know there seems to be a difference though between love and lust ie a one-night stand versus going and and finding somebody that you're interested in going on a couple of dates and then eventually turning that into a relationship or you promise each other that you won't be looking for other people in the near future sure sure there is so in other words lust requires almost no action almost no evidence for four males in other words all the male has to do is see that a female is extremely attractive and to him and he feels lust the females don't tend to be that lusty that quickly they're they're a little cooler organism in general but they're not that cool and and so yeah lust has to do with essentially the pre pair bonding mechanisms the neural circuits that evolved before we evolved pair bonding so yeah you have to understand that human nature evolved over the course of the last 3.5 billion years and that's with a B so people that are kind of sturb about this the idea that they think that we were created 6,000 years ago or something or just gonna have to choke this down if they're ever gonna understand how life works life began three and a half billion years ago with excuse me there were double doors to dinosaur bones were not planted to test our faith so next thing he's gonna do is test that the moon landing was was real [Laughter] yeah it's gonna turn out that life evolved greater and greater complexity over time and so by by 3 billion years after the dawn of life he finally had dinosaurs so maybe a little longer than that so dinosaurs were you know very complex fascinating organisms they were not large brained but and we don't know if they had anything that looked like pair-bonding we don't know if males stuck around and helped with offspring they probably did not mammals also were co-evolved is slightly different kind of an organism than a reptile and mammals 60 million years ago were tiny tiny little little rodent-like creatures I think about an inch tall and they lived they lived under the ground or and they lived they only came out at night they were nocturnal because otherwise they would have been eaten by dinosaur predators so when the meteor hit the Yucatan 63 million years ago then it all changed and so the dinosaurs had a cataclysmic die-off and certain dinosaurs basically remained effectively dinosaurs so alligators and crocodiles and sharks and things like that they're there for all intents and purposes dinosaurs and and birds which interestingly enough are also dinosaurs also survived so the it's going to turn out though that that mammals then were able to come out into the sunshine and they got very big over the next many millions of years and they became increasingly complex and then one thing that started to happen well then you had primate looking creatures little monkeys and those monkeys got bigger and bigger until they were great apes like us and still through all this time as we march down through dawn of chimpanzees and gorillas and so forth we're now talking 20 million 15 million 10 million years ago the so now we're actually in very recent times evolutionarily speaking so we've gone from three thousand five hundred million years ago to two million years ago so we've gone almost the whole journey of life all the way to Africa two million years ago and at that point Hume protohumans that were not nearly as smart as us but they were about as smart as a modern chimpanzee those those individuals were still operating a hundred percent on lust they would meet out in the woods they're not going to meet anywhere else because all there is is the woods so they're finding each other in the woods and they are sizing each other up and specifically the males are mating with the most sexually attractive excuse me the females are mating with the most sexually attractive males the males do not care about how attractive the females are because their male mate with anything and the reason why they'll mate with anything which is characteristic of animals throughout nature where the males will mate with anything the reason why this is true is that the males are not going to stick around and invest in any offspring so all they're trying to do is get as much DNA as they can in the next generation so males are extremely lusty and they are competing with each other to get to the females the females however because the males are all ready to inseminate them all the time the females actually evolved mating choice so they are very choosy about the females that they pick and they're looking for the most sexually attractive males and so the females and their minds have standards of beauty now they couldn't care less about the guy's character whether he's funny whether or not he's going to stick around and be a good dad because none of them stuck around they don't talk they couldn't care less about any of those characteristics all they care about is how surely beautiful the male is that's all they care about and they made it with the guys that were the sexiest those characteristics live on in females today so females today still have the very same kind of equipment that is highly reactive to male beauty just as they were on this in the ancient times before modern humanity so that is where Beauty developed neural circuits for beauty and lust being integrated together were characteristic of female protohumans two million years ago males did not have those characteristics any female was sexy they did not discriminate now now what we're going to find is that through a various and sundry changes in life we become a paraben species so we become a species that where the male's stick around and help with offspring this isn't because we're nice guys it's because the characteristics of the ecology demanded it and in a few species it turned out this way you know wolves for example will do this many species of birds will do this there are there are about a hundred species of mammal where they will do pair-bond behavior we are one of those species when you have pair-bond behavior what happens is the male's now start to develop choosing us in a way that they never did before so the male's start if they're going to stick around and be with just one female they start choosing females very carefully for their beauty and so males and females now bull start having breaks that will be put on their behavior so if a male sees a female he's just not interested in screwing her if she has to meet a certain criteria level for that to be too bit for it to be interesting and it has to be a criteria level that it's associated with about how attractive it is that that he is himself or better typically so the males start to fussy just as the females were always fussy and now you have both sides of the species are actually only feeling lust under conditions of where the other the opposite sex party is considered to be attractive relative to oneself so that is uh that now you wind up with suddenly the world gets a lot fussy and or and a lot cheesier and this is part parcel because the there there's going to be something else that's developing and that is the females are are going to be starting to demand that the males stick around and that they invest their life resources in the females offspring we don't have to have kids if we don't want to so how does that change things a little bit well it actually doesn't change people's behavior and how does that they feel very much at all their words your your designed by nature to have sex with people that you would think would cause very very fancy offspring that's what that is when you look at a very attractive person what sexual impulses are is essentially a a motivating mechanism for you to copy that individual be their genes and so it's kind of an interesting thing to think about like when you see somebody sexually attractive all that's happening is your brain is saying ooh copy those genes those are really good genes to copy and we should get our genes in the boat with their genes because in succeeding generations succeeding generations will want to copy those genes so if we get our genes tied up with their genes our genes are going to get copied a lot and the whole point of nature the way nature works is that organisms are designed to copy genes so all you're trying to do when you are having sex with somebody is you're trying to copy their genes now you don't know this and organisms have no intuition that that's what they're doing and human beings may try to block that process but they're but they're the neural circuits are designed by nature to execute those behaviors that will cause those genes to be this is a great big mathematical free-for-all is what life on earth is and all it is is that genes are building organisms in such a way so that they will copy genes that's what's happening with all this copying of the genes though what's the difference then with a couple shows back we talked about casual mating strategy and long-term dating strategy are people who engage in casual mating strategy without you know the without these expectation of commitment is it a is are they lower lost less evolved I guess and the ones who want a pair bond know what you have is you have a we're a mixed strategy species we are not just a pair bond species and we're not a pure casual meeting stupid species we are half way in the middle and so the the it's going to turn out there's you know two different ways you can have you can be a viable reproducer you can now let's suppose you're a female and let's suppose you are a seven so you're a 70th percentile looking female yeah you've got a couple of options for how it is that you play your cards you could try to meet a seven but most of the time most males that are sevens are not not interested in care bonding with a female 7 because they want to sleep up so you could sleep down with a six and therefore your genes are a little bit fancier than his genes and your kids are white likely to wind up at six and a half for sexual attractiveness and yet the odds of your children surviving are very high if this guy is going feels very committed to you and is quote in love with you and why is he in love with you because you are a stimuli that he that he feels is a very high utility stimuli for his reproductive prospects and so this is uh this is all just like he likes food for a certain reason he likes landscapes for a certain reason and he likes you the female for a certain reason because you are a very good specimen relative to us alternatives and so and he can tell he's got equipment for detecting how good females are and by good in quotes what we're really looking at is their sexual attractiveness which is largely a function of how many mutations they have so the more mutations that a female has that you can observe physically the the more mistakes have been made in her creation and therefore the less attractive she is so the fewer and fewer mutations she has the more sexually attractive he finds her so in this case our six finds seven quite sexually attractive he doesn't find her as attractive as an eight but he can't get an eight to to marry him so he feels committed to the seven and as a result his the energy that he can put into life past his ability past the necessity for him to fend for himself he will pour into his little family and that energy will increase the likelihood of his children surviving and thriving or turn ative li play a casual mating strategy where she sleeps with a ten who has no intention of sticking around for even a day and won't even give her as much as a sack of corn chips okay and so in fact she'll be trying to get Brent come have him come over and cook him dinner and take care of him and in fact I have seen situations where the females supported the males financially that were more attractive than than they were and and as a result the the lazy male all he was really required to do was to attempt to sire her and offspring every now and then so this is this is another strategy for the female and let's suppose she sleeps with a nine who does not want to stick around and let's suppose she sleeps with a series of nuns so she doesn't even she's really not even keeping track of them and because after all they don't even give her their true names and so well how bananas is that in this scenario potentially sooner or later she's going to get impregnated by a nine her offspring will be probably an eighth of some kind but that eight will not get the resources of a father and so the question to the seven female is am I better off with no resources being poured into my eight offspring or I am better off with a lot of resources and parental male parental attention poured into my six and a half offspring that is quite a dilemma and it is not clear what the right answer is which is why the human female is under a lot of stress when it comes to finding a romantic relationship because she finds herself being tugged at tween these two strategies and it's not easy for her to reconcile them mm-hmm and so the option is is to - I guess it seems like there's two options one is you I guess in modern-day society one option is to get the the six six and a half kid with a lot of resources or get them pregnant by the higher higher male and then maybe try to get into another relationship and have another kid with the six who is now going to be pouring money into both kids definitely function yes no question and I think that that that that essentially happens to an awful lot of people and so just go on match.com and look for the girl that has a kid or two and she's 32 years old and etc and if you listen to her story then you see the ones where they say never married okay so it's like well what happened well what happened is she became a single mother and if we were to track down those single mothers we would we would overwhelmingly find that the the males were very sexually interesting to them they were very attracted to these guys and they wound up pregnant and they chose not to terminate those pregnancies despite of you know in many cases no spiritual resistance to this but they didn't do it they didn't want to get that kid because that kid was pretty damn fancy and and as a result they wind up single moms and now what are they playing now they are less sexually attractive to the world because they bring a burden but so now but now there they may be more willing to trade down and yeah that's a that's a very modern phenomenon something that that you weren't seeing so often in the 1950s because children were way too expensive for a second male to be affording to take on that kind of a problem but in the modern environment there's enough safety nets and enough financial strength around that a great many a great many of our sixes will definitely take a seven if you know you'll if he can sleep up he'll take on a stepchild in the bargain and usually he's more interested if she's maybe a seven and a half every every every kid cost you something if you're a female yes I've talked about this with a couple of acquaintances and just kind of discussed this exact type of scenario and some of the arguments on here I hear on the other side is that the the women who do this are you know these evil you know money-grubbing gold-digging people whatever and I and I always look at this like like you know like it is what it is it's anger but what you're saying is that this is simply indicative of prosperity in society that women are able to do this sure of course in other words all that all that people are trying to do is that they are trying to use their whatever their assets are in order to trade for the resources to optimize their life experience and usually that means their gene reproduction strategy so the gene reproduction strategies might be they may not even reproduce genes they just may want to have the greatest romance that they can the but but absolutely women are designed by nature to be factor production strategy creatures which is that number one they want the best mail that they can get one with the least mutations ie the sexiest most interesting most stable mail that they can get their hands on and they also want as many resources that they can get their hands on so their the the nature of their situation is that they are they're pushed into a situation where they are going to be compromising now that compromise may seem brutal to a lot of females in other words it's like look you know I can't I just can't get myself here's a guy with a bunch of resources plenty of resources but I just can't get myself sexually into it because he's got too many mutations so what am I supposed to do I feel like I'm in a box if only I could have you know that guy's body and that guy's face with that guy's money in that guy's brain you know if I could just do this you know in the old days we had a thing called mad lids where you would you know have a little card I remember two people together sure okay so this is what this has you know this is every every night of the week in bars all around the United States and in you know and around the world people are lamenting the Mad Libs problem like gosh you know I know this great guy and I used such a sweetheart and he's bright he's a good engineer he's got a good solid job you know Silicon Valley but now I just can't do it I just can't do it you know he was just you know a little sexier like Nick over there with the tattoos you know if God if it's just if he could scrape up just one more point you know I'd be home and it reminds me that you you know it reminds me of a radio show that I heard with Dan Savage dan Savage is just like you know love relationship column destiny he does a radio show and he talks a little bit about polyamory and how how you really can't find the one and one of the things that I took from that is he says you can't find the one you'll never find your one what you really want to do is find your 0.7 and round up well that's very interested I'm not exactly sure what he means by that but but I understand it principle that yes in other words you're gonna find that there's a the thing is is that we all know and have met in your lifetime you will have met some people that did not feel like they compromised and when you meet those people they it may turn out that life has eroded that feeling for them or it may not have and in in my life is a clinician I have run into people that that it from what I can tell from every from every indication they did not in fact have to compromise in this arena they both parties felt very very pleased by their victory in their search they had our love and romance and that romance may be alive and well 10 or 15 years later now that is possible for our species it is just not anything close to the norm so what's what's interesting is that we we see people's intuition is that what is what is supposed to be commonplace and they feel like should be there do what they do not understand is that it's rare and this is probably the greatest source of frustration for human nature that there is the the truth of the matter is is that we are a Stone Age organism living in a modern environment that has tremendous opportunities to try to find idealized situations so for example right now you can find an idealized situation with respect to food you can have incredibly good food right now food that will not cause any kinds of deficiencies or excesses in your system if its whole natural food and you can get a plentiful and ripe and tasty you know shipped in to you from around the world for pennies you know on the pound and have this available to you can have this extraordinary existence that none of our Stone Age ancestors could have ever had you can have that existence you can actually sleep in a comfortable place every night that is unbelievably safe from predators it can have no pests no fleas no ticks nothing okay you can have the luxurious event of having hot water come out of a shower every morning and wash yourself it's unbelievably Pleasant you can then go down and have you know fresh-squeezed orange juice in your refrigerator it's like there's just no end to what is possible for human beings they can indulge their neural circuits in an extraordinary fashion in the modern environment they can literally indulge their wanderlust too if they're wealthy enough to travel the globe and see what the entire possibility of human existence looks like and choose to live in a place that tickles their particular circuits as best as they can this is amazing that this is true and now the the thing is is that it is there therefore the case it is also true that you can imagine and you can have wisps of the experience of a extraordinary transaction in the romance arena where you feel unbelievably rewarded by a mate and they feel unbelievably rewarded by you and this can ignite a love response that might last indefinitely now that is possible but it's not something that typically happened in the Stone Age it's not a characteristic of our species and long term happy pair bonding between male and female humans is not human nature it is a possibility of human nature that if you're incredibly lucky you might discover it and so the the the fact that people think that this is somehow their do or that is supposed to happen what happens is is that they force the issue and they compromise and they try to the built institutions around this possibility and unfortunately you know this is a fantasy and most relationships do not have ten or fifteen or twenty or twenty five or more years of excellent steam behind them they just don't and so yeah at best you know what I mean most relationships have a year and that's that's how it really is now so so what are your thoughts on nowadays I hear I hear more and more about polyamory and dating multiple people and being open relationships and things like that it seems to me that that if we're not finding everything in one person until we do seems like polyamory course macmail where maybe my strategy might be slightly different yes male poly the poly world is actually a world made up of unusual humans so these are these people tend to be more open to experience and therefore they are bored with more routine experiences and so as a result this flows over into their sexual psychology as well and so they are it's going to be the case that most human females are actually not that adventurous in their sexuality and in their sexual psychologists so they are because they can only be impregnated once a year they are they're essentially not really interested it wouldn't be doing a female a lot of good to be sleeping with 8 or 10 different people in a year's time so their job would be to make an excellent choice as somebody that they would be very interested in and then the the way female psychology is it's pretty happy with continued sexual activity with the right guy now if it turns out that he's mr. wrong and then they're not interested he may be a real nice guy and all that but if he's not actually hitting all of our circuits then he's not hitting her circuits in a poly world poly world is dominated by male psychology which is very interested in casual mating strategy remember casual mating strategy of the male means that you can you have sex with somebody and then you disappear and you potentially impregnate them now keep in mind the purpose of sex is to impregnate is used for pregnancy that is its purpose and in fact the statistical likelihood of pregnancy and unprotected sex is exceedingly high people have no idea how high it is it's 5% okay so the as a result and this is remember this is a species where the women are not likely to be impregnated all for two-thirds of the month so any given sex act is highly potent and has a very good chance of causing pregnancy the in in our species so the the male if he can have a lot of different sex partners that would be highly advantageous for the male and this is consistent with male psychology so a male could be could be very pleased with a pair bond potential partner but that that uniform interest is not going to last too long you know three months from now six months from now a year from now that males eye is going to start to wander and and he his behavior may not wander because it may be too expensive to to threaten a good pair bond and also to have to try to have two relationships going at the same time but the and as most of the women that remember the average guy is sleeping up in a pair bond so in order to sleep up twice at the same time the whole point to a pair for a female is to get a bunch of resources I mean that's an extremely critical point so a male trying to hold down two pair bonds at the same time is a guy without any time or energy left over so he's probably not going to be able to pull it off now if you change the situation up slightly and you have the male be very sexually attractive and so he's a 95th percentile sexually attractive male his mate is in the same territory as that however he is able to use his highly sexual attractiveness in order to get females that are filled very sexually attractive interested in him even for casual mating that guy probably will behave that way and so the poly world is is a world where males are admitting that you know what I'm just so open to experience I just cannot get into this idea of being with one female forever I can't do it I'm not going to do it and the females that are in the poly world are also highly open to experienced females who undoubtedly had philandering fathers who had the genes to be highly FLANN during so the females are are also of this wild ilk and say you have an actually unusual looking situation that you don't typically see in human nature so the poly world is not a world of bright informed open to ideas people that are actually on the cutting edge of anything what you actually have is an unusual mixture of personalities that as a result of their unusual personality structure are attempting to live a lifestyle in a way that that is getting around some of the inherent conflicts of interest between male and female it is not a prescription for humanity to find any happiness in it's not a solution to anything it's simply a it's a derivative of what comes out of some unusual personality types very interesting and so what yeah what in your opinion is the prescription for a happiness outcome for for males females in in terms of love sex relationships dating marriage I think yeah yeah I think the ideal thing is it's exactly kind of what it is that you see what you're watching in in young people you know before 30 that are not having did pressure by any churches and them getting married in other words you're seeing people that are that are oftentimes not all yet focused on settling in making babies and having to worry about all the financial implications and the lifetime implications of that so the the strategy most strategies for optimizing if and happiness are built around pair-bond strategy because there that is that is a dominant characteristic in human nature for both males and females the males are very competitive and they are wanting to sleep up with sexually attractive interesting females the females are wanting to only fall for guys who are pretty close to Demeter's of attractiveness but are also very accomplished and very very into them their their happiness is optimized by males who can generate resources and are willing to share them in what is in fact a para bond process however the the wise would say you don't you don't get married you discover if you are too many people are are in a rush to essentially to fall into the trap of getting married and that trap is a you know societal monster in many ways that that ignores some very profound facts about human biology you should the the concept that we should be having that is more accurate for human nature is that these relationships should I should utilize birth control to the enth degree and that people should enjoy themselves for as long as they enjoyed each other's company and then when they no longer consider that partner to be an excellent choice relative to their options then they fall out of love and that they do not cut past revise over this and they move on and and your relationships may last for a few months or they may last for a few years a person may find themselves in a relationship with multiple years behind it and no end in sight and and that if you find yourself in such of a situation where your four or five years in and you are extremely happy on both sides of the equation then you are married now you can now get married if you want but you are married you you discover whether you are married you don't make it happen and and so that is the correct prescription for human happiness if you if you were ever so lucky as to have that happen then great there's no reason to force the issue ever and people force the issue consistently yeah here you know I've had some friends over the years where they had you know nine-year relationship before they got married five years three hours a year after they get married they can't you know it doesn't yeah ends up falling apart and listening to someone but what you're talking about a couple of shows ago about the high cost of expectations it seems to me that this is a huge ego trap that people can put themselves in with the family and friends of expecting that now that you have a piece of paper that says you're married now you have all these extra expectations that you previously did not have yeah you know what that's bogus if you're in a relationship for nine years and then you get married the and then it goes south let me tell you it was self or they got married what happened almost inevitably is the female pushed the male into it the male was not into it didn't want to do it and was hanging around because he was attached to the female as a friend and was not really that into her and and she she was considered him absolutely acceptable and wanted to just make it official etc that was a mistake so those people made the mistake of trying to try to get married rather than discover whether they were if your guy is not that into you if he's still not chasing you around a little bit if he's not test hearing testing you a little bit for sexuality six years in if he's not into it if he's not giving you signals that you are number one and he's very interested and that he is that his wandering eye is fairly muted if that is not your experience you're in the wrong place you are as you are not married and this is what you may have is a nice guy that is uh that doesn't want to doesn't doesn't want to face the break-up and this is a problem when people cohabit they think they're being cool and wise and cutting-edge and smart but the truth of the matter is is that they're raising the barrier to exit out of relationships that have gone flat there is no absolutely no shame in a relationship that goes three years four years six years and then goes flat that is characteristic of the species folks there is no cause for lamenting what went wrong and to be to be crying about the cruelty of the situation were but at the other if he would just get counseling or that we would remove his barriers to commitment or any of this other nonsense okay this is characteristic of the species when the love and the joy and the suck chu ality and the excitement and the happiness are not an emergent property of the relationship it's time to leave okay it's not time to fix it it's time to leave it and that's when that's when you know obviously if you have children involved that's a whole different you know Rubik's Cube to try to figure out but we have to we have to understand that our expectations for love are too high they are too high people believe that they want this great feeling that they have on their 27th birthday with mr. right to last forever and the truth is we have to be accepting and humble about the fact that it may last for two years and if it does it was worth having okay but we don't wreck the next fifty trying to recapture the first two we move on
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