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Episode 84: Building a community, Getting over an ex's past, non-sexual fetishes, and more
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all right good evening everybody dr. Lyle how are you doing this fine evening today good that's great how about yourself good you know it's now I guess it's fall solstice so now in Southern California we can get back to the freezing cold weather of 55 degrees and so you know I'm I just thought last day I'm going to wear my shirts ruff ruff yeah break break for it oh no yeah it's I don't know how people survive in colder weather whoo No thank God for global warming bump it up a couple degrees all right well we are not going to be talking about global warming but we are going to be talking about community and what the title of the show today is about building a community among other things getting over actions passed there was a question about non-sexual fetishes and we have we have a couple of different ways to strategize if you are born extremely disagreeable and then we also have a little bit about diet and exercise for women and then we have a couple of things about the magic 10% and how to make yourself a little bit more fancy or try to try to fit fancier than you might have coming to you with the magic 10% and then if we can get to it we are going to get two men being attracted to pregnant women whether they are or are not so without any further ado dr. Lyle you ready I'm ray all right and again we love it when callers call so if anybody feels like Colin over calling up they show it's six five seven three eight three zero seven five one all right dear doctor while the question is about finding how do you go about finding a community of like-minded individuals striving for the betterment of the community as a whole without religion in the modern environment I didn't grow up in a super religious home but I drifted that way in high school and college I thought at the time that this was a rational decision and a spiritual call but I've come to lose those beliefs and now I realized that my religious beliefs were really drawing into the social cachet yields but perhaps more importantly the intense community I find that aside from being estranged by close friends once I walked away from my faith it has been a real challenge to find that deep sense of community I imagine we're drawn to this kind of community do the natural community our ancestors would have experienced by default but nowadays I go to work in a big office I live in a big city I have a few close friends across different social groups the question is how do we beat our genes and find like-minded community apart from something similar to religious belief in the modern environment great question just just superb I would say that the following is true and that is that the the modern environment is everywhere we look it's a two-edged sword when it brings us something that is very valuable it's usually there's usually something that's being taken away now at the end of the day that the net positive is huge it's not even close we're much better off in the modern environment than we were in a primitive environment however that doesn't mean that every advance is purely in advance so for example in in something that's been very close to my career for the last 20 years the the extraordinary availability of processed foods that will keep people alive and can can be stored conveniently and so that can be used you know sort of indefinitely into the future this is fantastic I mean our ancient ancestors couldn't have imagined such a thing but then it gets better then then you get to play with the food and you get to make the food more calorie dense than it ever was before and then it tastes better and it's very exciting so that's good and now we go a hundred years of this and it's the early 1900s with the dawn of refrigeration and Clarence Birdseye and and a bunch of innovators along the way and then pretty soon we got the modern environment with processed food and everybody's walking around overweight nobody wants to sleep with anybody because everybody's fat okay so this is a this extraordinary price that his that his essentially it's been like a an atomic bomb over the mating market it has come about because of of an extraordinary advance in human technological abilities so we sure as heck don't want to go back to an environment of scarcity but we do see the double-edged sword in this case this person is talking about a double-edged sword and that is that that when your community was in fact I mean when it it was you and your group against the hostile forces of nature it meant that that life all of life was filled with meaning it this was him it was important to essentially do your best very often because there was immediate impact not only on your own life but on the lives of people very close to you and then even on the lives of people that were not so close to you but we're pretty close to you which is the rest of the village this village might only be 35 50 people not very much but there was your your actions we're having a substantial impact on pretty much everybody to be supported to you that is lost in the modern environment people do jobs that it doesn't matter if they're there or not and and so they're they do not feel as if their work is important that their contribution is significant and it's essentially their their rationale and difference to that process is reasonable a whole heck of a lot of people couldn't care less about any political situation despite how much noise there is about it the truth is most people don't vote and most people really don't care and that's actually a good thing it's it's actually a wonderful realization when it dawns on you but it really doesn't make that much difference who's in power is any given time it's not going to make much influence on your life one way or the other and is a great thing it is terrific that that we are now so independent of each other we're even independent of the leadership in our you know sort of dominance hierarchy as it were this is fantastic civilization is is about this sort of this sort of independence it's a it's a dream to not be dependent however there's a double-edged sword and the double-edged sword is that Wow if that's true then I'm not very important okay so and my actions aren't very important right so so behind this we actually see a feeling of not not really earning that much esteem from anybody that matters and so we we lose this this close connection and sense of shared fate and the importance of our individual actions that would have been literally normal course of events for anybody living in a natural environment for people now so what do we do about this well you will see here's what we're not going to do I don't think I don't think it's very practical to think that you're going to join some community of people that are living together to try to quote better the community is a group that that's a communist hippie cult and that's all going to fall apart that's just we don't have to do that so people aren't going to do it and if you join any group of people that is trying that you're going to quickly find that communism is an utter failure and that everybody is going to be trying to piggyback and slough off and essentially ride on other people's efforts and you're going to be if you've got any conscientiousness and any work ethic you're going to be quickly disillusioned so that isn't going to fly the what we're going to do instead is we're going to be a part of projects that mean something and if you become a part of a project that means something then you could have a great deal of fire and camaraderie among like-minded people for that component of your existence that's a good thing so let me give you some examples where people find this they find it in competitive situations for example actually people will find it in the military believe it or not in their in their platoon and their group and all that sort of thing this is this is getting much closer to a Stone Age environment where they feel like they're they are interdependent we don't need to do that but you might and if you did you you might find something akin to what we're talking about but you could also you could you can see it in in sports teams so you will find that people that play together in sports on teams that are where they're serious about what it is that they're doing and everybody's actually trying to optimize their abilities and the abilities of the group you will find that people will make friendships they'll last a lifetime and that that they will they will look back on those times as some of the very best times of their lives so you can see evidence of what it is that this that this questioner is talking about you can see how important those experiences can be for people when they have been through circumstances like that but we don't have to do that either if you're not an athlete we don't have to do that the we can do things like I once belong to the Rotary Club and these guys I probably said this like six times but I'll say it again just in case in case I haven't said it these guys would go down to like Guatemala a group of them would go down there you know once a year and they'd spend two weeks there and they'd go down there and they'd build houses for poor people and they would come back exhilarated and the reason why is that they were doing things to the very best of their ability they were learning as well as they could you know dealing with an adaptive problem there was people that really appreciated and could use what it is that they were doing and they were giving them esteem signals and they were actually earning from each other the esteem that said hey you were willing to pitch in and do some suffering down here side-by-side and work hard in the hot Sun you know that means you're a heck of a good human that I can really count on so you have you know you're you're no wimp and you're not lazy and you are you are willing to contribute and so this this is these are fine displays for indicating your your utility potentially as a coalition member ie a friend and as a result did this is exactly the kind of thing that I would say that you would this individual needs to be looking to add to their their their life so I don't mind I don't mean joining Greenpeace and then answering the phones on Sunday afternoon like forget it do something that actually requires some serious effort where you feel like you are literally helping something or someone directly and you can see the influence of it and that you're doing it as a group so you can each watch each other put your shoulder to the wheel and and that it needs to be you know I mean hopefully there's people in that group that you will admire their efforts and their energy and yet we don't have to make a career out of it we can make periodic periodic experiences out of this and I think we can decorate our life with memories and and potentially have feeling like we have vetted some people as potential friends that have have actually run a gauntlet and shown us that they that they've got some backbone and that they would be you know potentially worthwhile to add to our own personal coalition so this is this is how I would this is how I would go about adding that to do your Oh people do this incidentally it just occurred to me that's what startups are so I I've had clients that had already made about all the money they needed to make and they're looking for something in life and nobody really wants to hire them because they're a little over the hill and I just tell them hey listen do anything for a startup get in the middle of something that looks exciting where a bunch of greedy people are looking to try to get rich by working really really hard and they are feeling like they're interdependent and there's only like 16 of them or something and they feel like they're on the clock because they're going to be out of venture capital soon and it's winter Liz and sink-or-swim and that is the exactly you know the kind of excitement you don't want to actually have your career and finance stupendous on these things if you could help it maybe it's a fun thing to do for young people otherwise it's the thing to do for people that they don't really need the money that need the excitement and so anyway these are these are things that that a person can do to get that sense of shared fate and a sense of community that they could decorate their life with it rather than trying to make their life embedded in it hmm yes interesting that you say that I remember a few years ago I was working at a health at the True North health center and I just had some some extra time and I thought you know let me try to do something for the I didn't really notice that you really worked there I could resist go ahead yes very good yeah so I decided there was a program called Habitat for Humanity in California and they go around they build houses for underprivileged people and so I thought you know Here I am it just went on YouTube learned how to use a hammer and I was getting ready to go there and learn how to hammer a nail into a couple of things so I show up I'm trying to make conversation with everybody and no one's really giving me anything else well I start trying to make conversation with a couple of people it turns out they're all on parole and they're they're like court-mandated you know they've got a volunteer and so I was there it was a fun fun little experience but it was just funny because they looked at me like why are you here like on your own you know why one why is nobody forcing you to be here I thought well I guess I guess there we go so but yeah you're talking loud do we lose you oh okay well that looks like dr. Lyle dr. louder lousy video okay well it looks like dr. Lyle got a little disconnected here so we're going to wait for him to come back but it's very interesting about building this community because I remember I'm watching a lecture yep dr. Lyle you're back on good yes I'm back on yeah okay phantos okay so I remember I was saying that you talking about building a community and how nowadays in the modern world it's much more difficult to do because I really get esteem signals from the right places because no one's really dependent on anybody and I remember you saying something a lecture that that people will do many things as a display to others including getting healthy and other things and so when there's nobody to display to you really figure out what exactly why you're doing something so let's just thought it was interesting all right well let's hit let's head on what else we got okay all right all right next question this is about getting an over getting over an excess past dear dr. Lyle I've been dating a guy for just over a year now and then lately finding it hard to get over his sexual past I feel that because I'm not as experienced as him not having as many sexual partners as he has that I kind of feel resentment and jealousy and anger towards his past I know it's silly to feel this way because he's with me now and I should not dwell in the past but I often find myself thinking about it and getting upset because of it which makes me angry and closed-off towards him we dated long distance from the majority of the past year there was an issue that arose while long distance between him and another girl which made things a bit rocky but we both stayed faithful to each other and now back in the same location and things are going really well this is happening more and more and I feel that it's come to the where my feelings are negatively affecting our relationships so I would like some input do you know why we get jealous and upset over our power in your sexual past and the reason for it what's your advice for dealing with this well there there could be a number of issues here but what we're going to do is we're going to focus on what I think is probably the main issues and we will we'll take a guess at it and we'll try to figure out if there's anything that we can say that might be helpful now remember we're going to start at the beginning as to figuring out what feelings are so feelings are signal they're signaling devices and there are different kinds of feelings there's feelings that are signaling devices for the individual themselves in other words a calculation of the value of whatever that the stimulus input informational input is then there is also another kind of feeling where we not only feel something but we are actually designed to communicate it to actually signal that feeling to someone else this is these are strategic manipulative processes so in this case and then of course things can be both so in this case this sort of anger jealousy resentment etc this strikes me as a signaling device to the to this young lady or however old she is I'm assuming young that that it's actually signaling to her that she is in danger that she is now she's you know basically committed to this person and in what she hopes to be a monogamous sort of long-term para bond which means she is vulnerable I noticed that that they've been dating for about a year but a lot of last year has been long-distance and then there was some there was some serious threat from some competitor while he was gone well you know I can't really do the math in my head without it without a calendar but it sounds to me like they have not spent that much time in the same place they've spent a lot of time not in the same place and when they were not in the same place this man who obviously has enough sexual cachet that he's had a lot of partners had another possible partner that he was looking at while he was in the relationship with this person - this would expect that if this person's brain was functioning properly that they would be they would essentially be nervous anxious and potentially feeling the threat that they could get dumped and or that they could essentially be two-time debt cetera and ultimately being dumped by a competitor now the the fact that that they're thinking about the person's past is simply nothing other than then then reviewing the evidence about whether you know what this person's sexual psychology and sexual success is like so it sounds like the person has been significantly experienced and therefore it is not you know it doesn't take an act of Congress for them to get into some other woman's bed at which at which point if you're the person that's with him you could easily be feeling like that this is not that secure of a situation you so she is also signaling to him with her anger and irritation that she doesn't trust him okay so this is a this is a legitimate signal essentially have him be on his guard and to try to to do the extra work to essentially signal to her that she's very important okay that he needs to be sensitive to that and that this is not fun and games for her that this is not casual mating strategy and that she will consider it to be a to be very very much a breaking of an implied contract if he is dumps her and runs off somebody else in two times her so she will be screaming bloody murder the village as women will do and so she's essentially threatening him with that with that price should he have that up his sleeve and that be what feeling now so that all being the case it sounds like she's actually pretty happy which also makes me wonder if she actually feels somewhat over rewarded and so a person that's over awarded is likely to feel very vulnerable and therefore have the resentment jealousy anger chip pretty darn active a lot hotter when you that doesn't mean that you're in a bad relationship it just means that you're an exciting one for yourself that you feel over rewarded that doesn't mean that the other person feels like that that they are over rewarding you however you are feeling vulnerable because you don't have enough reassurance that you may fully qualify and of course she doesn't she's not getting evidence that she fully qualifies because there was some threat just recently here in the last year when he was out of town with some other girl okay so this is a relationship that is fundamentally in its early stages where the commitment process is early even though they've been quote together for a year they haven't been together for a year and so they're still getting to know each other she's still finding out whether or not she qualifies fully she's anxious that she's giving up her sexuality ie becoming vulnerable as a female under conditions of which she's actually not sure that she's actually got this thing in a secure situation so this is you know to some extent this is almost this is sort of standard operating procedure the forest' situation that looks about like this so what would I tell you I would tell you there's really no there's no big upside for for making a making too big of a deal out of this the you are remember use birth control let's not be planning any weddings under this under these conditions and essentially one wants to have the spirit that that this is an adventure and it's a very good adventure and so far so good or pretty much so far so good in order to to attempt to shift the balance of your life in a positive way in situations like this or in any in any similarity to this there are many such situations in life you want to see if you can morph your thinking toward what I call a position of power and I've talked about this on previous podcast but a position of power is a psychological location where you have considered the worst case scenario and you have come to terms with it you essentially have thought about it enough and thought through the consequences carefully enough that you realize that you are going to in fact survive and there's plenty to live for and plenty of opportunity in this life if this particular opportunity passes you by if you don't have that attitude then you do a lot of suffering it isn't that you can create this attitude at will in your mind but you can actually do the mental steps that can help push you towards a position of power a position of power is a rule will require that you think through the worst-case scenarios so think it through so let's think through okay well what really happens let's just look at this thing let's suppose I find out that this guy's cheating on me two or three months from now and I'm three or four months in and I'm going to be so pissed off and then I'm gonna have to decide what I'm going to do about it and we're going to confront it and you know then maybe you know I want to break up he says let's go to counseling all right he wants to break up and I say let's go to counseling but the attitude should be you know what whatever happens happens it's a part of the adventure and you can't be you can't be very happy about anything unless it feels rare and exciting if we held a Super Bowl every day nobody would really care about it you see and so only only if something is relatively rare is it valuable and this and so this relationship has excitement to it it wouldn't be easy to find something as good or you wouldn't be excited now but if you lose it then it wasn't what we thought it was anyway okay and so if the evidence come to us that we don't really qualify that he is going to to time on you and eventually dump you if that's what comes to pass then that's what comes to pass we have to have the attitude in this that we are essentially as best as we can realize that we're you're a modern woman with birth control in your pocket in a way that your stone-age ancestors did not have you can give yourself some latitude to be more vulnerable in this way physically and psychologically than they would have responsibly been able to do okay so the and that's that's what I would tell you let's worst-case scenario you're going to survive it let's give it some rope let's find out so rather than trying to essentially take the temperature of the relationship or analyze in great detail where we stand let's be patient and let the evidence tell us where we are and in situations like this I will tell people you'll know a lot more in 90 days okay so this this relationship is pretty young you'll know a lot more in 90 days than you do now so there's no reason to freak about what his past has been he's sexually attractive he's sexually assertive he will find other partners the only question is is he really happy and settled with you right now if that's true then you're going to feel more secure 90 days from now than you do now and that's not true you're going to feel less secure and you're going to be looking to you're going to be looking you know to at a situation that may not fly so so far so good let it roll all right next question q dr. Lyle I'm a fitness competitor and trainer who posts on Instagram I've had men contact me offering me money for situations with me none involving any overtly sexual acts but I assume they're at least fetish driven so the question is what would be the reason for giving up a large amount of resources like money to have an encounter with a woman that doesn't involve either long-term pair bonding or casual sex well it does involve casual sex I mean that that is what this is so the and so I would I would have to tell this person that that certainly the the men may say hey listen you know we don't have to do anything other than this orgy I'd really like to meet you you know is that possible etc hint and they may feel either intimidated or they may feel obviously because because this person's not a you know not an escort and it would be she's not advertising for this sort of contact they're going to have to essentially try to what they remember what they're up to that they're attempting to to negotiate with her a cost-benefit proposition that will be hard for her to refuse so they they want to see whether or not she will bite on the idea of a very minimum amount of sexuality in exchange for money if she will do that it would actually be more valuable to them if she was a little bit difficult about it ie not a prostitute because then she actually becomes more valuable for various and sundry reasons that are rather obvious if we think about them and so as a result this is these are overtures so remember when people are attempting to to lure you into a relationship what they do is they put their best foot forward and they're trying to essentially give you a distorted vision of the value proposition this is what every company does when they give you a big discount or a loss leader or you know free sample etc that's what this is so essentially they're offering her a free sample of their money and they're saying gee you know all you got to do is just open the package a little bit it's really everything's free I just like to see you open up the little envelope and just I want to see your face if you're you know and the rest of if you're dressed a little bit scantily and a little tight stuff if we could just meet and I could you could just open this envelope that there's going to be my money in it for you they I'm telling you that's all I need okay that's all I need well that's not all they need that's just a lost leader as they're attempting to negotiate their way into a casual sexual relationship of some kind so that's the story and so there's no there's no real mystery there it's just uh it's kind of interesting didn't know that what's going on I hadn't thought about that as an angle all right let's move on speaking of disagreeable agreeable conscientious low conscientious right the next questions about disagreeable is so as you said dr. Lisle agreeableness may be the most sought-after personality trait inmates but if you are born disagreeable or very highly disabled is it possible to train yourself to be agreeable if so how I've been working on this myself and find that if I concentrate I can look for the good and I argue or say nothing with potential males that are suit that are dating me but is it possible to feel disagreeable but function as an agreeable person essentially overriding this using your intelligence is that how we beat our genes by just wrapping the myelin sheath repetitively to beat those instincts no the myelin sheath it has to do with with learning motor skills and so these are not motor skills these are sort of personality characteristics which are not going to be subject to this the could you could you actually execute behaviors that would make you appear more agreeable yes you could but it won't last long the other words life is too novel and there's too many it's Mike Tyson used to say when everyone would fight him he would say everybody has a plan until they get hit in the face okay that's out for and so there you could you could plan to disguise your disagreeableness but as soon as you feel like your your interests have been hit in the face the disagreeable person will come out and that will be that so instead that what we're going to do is we're going to realize that your job is to look for an agreeable person to be on the other side of you so if you're a 70th percentile or let's say you're an 80th percentile disagreeable human you're looking for an 80th percentile agreeable male that will be your mirror image on the other side and that's how you're going to do it and so you can also look for something else the male doesn't have to be that agreeable he might be 70th percentile agreeable but he also might be you're looking for emotional stability people that are more than fair in other words very agreeable people these people if they are also emotionally stable they can put up with some of your wrath and not lose their cool and and so it's not like our little person here who's we're going to assume she's 80th percentile disagreeable she's not 88th percentile disagreeable all the time half the time she's not even at 80 so she's actually halfway reasonable it's just the other half the time she's unreasonable and so we need a lot of that to get caught or absorbed by the other person's more than reasonable psychology and then there's going to be a few times when if he is at the 70th percentile and she's at the 80th there's going to be intermittent conflict that intermittent conflict is going to have to you know it will it will cause turbulence in the relationship but the turbulence can be muted by the the other person's stability and I'm reading some conscientiousness in this individual they're all so creative and pretty bright so they're trying to figure this thing out and if you get yourself a very good man who's just one one heck of a kind and reasonable person you should be fine trying to change yourself to appeal to the other essentially 70% of the market you need to think of yourself as remember if you got yourself the top 10% of the market the very nicest guys in the world you'd be fine because this person is probably not at the 95th percentile or disagreeable we're going to assume that she's at the 80th percentile so all she needs to do is hit some guy that's in the upper twentieth percentile or so that's a lot of people and so your job is to you know however it is that you are searching for mates you need to be looking for very pleasant people and emotionally stable people as your top priority and that's your that's your best bet for solving this problem hmm so we might attempt to say yeah go ahead so it's only a matter of time before match.com puts a Big Five personality test before people sign up that's interesting Helen Fisher who say is it extremely capable thinker um the she has been you know part of a I don't know who she's been in been in bed with and in the online dating arena I can't remember some of the big players and she's come up with her little four type or five type personality which is ridiculous she knows better so what they've done is they've made it a typology rather than essentially face the facts that it is not there are not types of people there are ingredients in infinite combinations that's a very different concept and so the so in other words they're they're they are aware of these things but the concept of how personality is constructed is just a little too difficult to get it across easily and quickly so everybody wants to default to the Lazy strategy of calling things types in other words oh you're you know what might fill in the blanks with the myers-briggs idiocy okay oh you're a thinker versus you're a feeler you know whatever it is that you whatever your I don't know introvert/extrovert whatever it is that we're they're talking about they don't they won't talk about these ingredients but you can be thinking ingredients anybody that's listening here ought to know that the big five is the way it is and so the this individual has we all have an ecological problem which is to simply try to find the locations particularly social psychologically in this life that actually fit us best it's very much in the same way as trying to find the objective characteristics of an ecology if you happen to like son and you like it hot then you ought to be you know working in Palm Springs if you happen to like cold in the snow then look for a job at the University of Minnesota the same thing is true with respect to mates and so you're obviously there's a diversity of combinations that work but in this particular person's problem their particular problem is they need to direct their attention and not waste time they need to direct their attention towards men that clearly signal that they are very pleasant people very nice people you know the guy says well I would like to do kickboxing you know I'm saying in my spare time hey that guy's off the list okay this is you don't have Pleasant people doing kickboxing that guy has it is at least at the fiftieth percentile for disagreeable so you have the guy that says he likes flowers these people will signal these things in their in their pros and they will certainly signal them very easily in a phone conversation and and so you don't have to spend a lot of time you're mister right for this person is a very pleasant individual mm-hmm and can you talk a little bit for the listeners who haven't delved into this a lot the Big Five personality characteristics we've talked about in previous podcasts but the reason why it's superior to that of the typology and the myers-briggs but the big five was discovered rather than just randomly invented right yes Big Five is a team as a result of you know advances in mathematics that took place you know in the second half of the 20th century and it was first first evidence of it was in the early 1960s but then it got forgotten for more than 20 years so 20 years later with with computers sitting on the desktops of personality researchers around the world and statistical package is finally available that we're capable of analyzing large amounts of data well and the invention of a mathematical process called factor analysis these things all led to the discovery of a five factor model that really tells us that personalities in essentially in five ingredients plus intelligence now there are other ingredients but they're not major ingredients so the that's why we call these the big five so the big five our openness to experience conscientiousness sociability ie introversion extroversion agreeableness and finally emotional stability and so these these things are are the basic major variances just as in athleticism it's how high can you jump how tall are you how how what is your weight how much can you bench press and how fast can you run a mile by the time we measure those five things we have an extraordinarily good view of an athlete and and in the same way by the time we measured these five characteristics we have an extraordinarily good view of a specific individual and how they live their life just what their life looks like so this individual is obviously smart conscientious and disagreeable and so she's butting heads with a lot of males that that would otherwise be attracted people that she would be interested in and this is a waste of time so this person if she knows she's disagreeable she just is there's just no way around it you're not going to fix it you got to go find the right sunshine for you to bask in and that's how we fix this problem fantastic all right dr. Lisle we have a caller on hold so we're gonna see what what they have to say so give me just okay all right caller what's your name and where are you calling from hi I'm Chuck I'll try to get off every night but stuff that's uh just one second okay I can't I can't I can't I can't hear your name sir this is easy easy easy yeah that's what I go by okay all right really could you pusher could you put your mouth and closer to your phone so we can hear you a little bit better like that a little bit better good I go sir yeah I'm trying to follow you know your conversation here and like I'm a big I'm a big thinker like I think everything odd you know like I think ahead I think behind I think over this way I think over that way okay before I open before I open my mouth okay and I'm trying to follow you here and I mean I got I don't just the first time I've turned into this show here yeah I don't know if the host ever has other people under different topic but I'm trying to follow you okay and yeah I kind of got an idea like where you're coming from but like it just not coming out good to me and I'm listening to you you know trying to just really absorb it because I like what I'm hearing but I did it just didn't get to me where it's helping me okay hold on easy easy you need to listen for a second okay here's the deal the if you're a first-time caller if you if you haven't heard the show then the the theories that are based on this information are actually pretty deep and pretty sophisticated and they require a lot of learning to actually grasp where it is that I'm coming from so I'm actually not surprised that you're having trouble following the logic and so I what I'm going to recommend is that we'd be glad to talk to you but I would recommend that you need to listen to maybe ten shows before you call in and then when you a few after you've done that you'll have a better grasp of words that we're coming from okay yeah I mean I like okay all right easy well thank you very much for the call feel free to give us a call back listen to a couple shows we'd love to take your call when when when when you can do that all right thanks very much for the call really appreciate it all right okay well alright let's let's go in Washington one more question we'll take one good all right dear dr. mile if a woman says to you that her being single comes up as a strong reason to not eat healthy or to lose weight to the point of trumping her own transient desire to eat right and look good how would you help her find motive motivation within herself and what would you say to help her that's a strange question let me get this straight so being single is a strong reason to not eat healthy or to lose weight in other words she wants to be single and on the other hand part of her is that what is that what I'm getting here I would it says I'm here is she single she has nobody to impress about maybe that's what I'm maybe that's wrong oh okay okay that that I can see the and how would I get her sort of get her moving the right direction because she's single I see so there's there's there's no there's no direct threat of a mate getting disinterested in leaving because she's already in situation where she's single okay right here we are been single for a long time and so you know it's kind of a little civil cycle right so what's happening here is that the person may feel like they're essentially uncompetitive where it is that they're sitting and let's imagine let's just imagine a standard human standard female human is a standard woman in the United States is by her 36th birthday she's 40 pounds overweight so that's the that's the statistical mean so at five foot four and 166 pounds she is she is struggling and if she's sort of eating the standard American diet that's exactly where she's going to find herself typically on average this is going to be let's suppose she's been single no relationship for last ten years and sort of time is wiling away but she's okay she's not miserable but she's single and so how would I get her to find the meditation within herself well what what could I say that would be useful I I think that there are little there are little details in a story like this and every every person's story is slightly different and so I'm just going to make up a story until tell a story that would be fairly typical that I might run into but that doesn't mean that is anything close to the story of the person that wrote this question or what it is that they were thinking because there's too many individual details in here that could take us a different direction but this can feel a lot like the ego trap so let's suppose our young woman is 36 and 166 pounds as she should be 126 pounds and she has tried to diet now and then and lost a few pounds but it was difficult and so she wound up kind of where it is that she is now and she doesn't have a lot of confidence that she could do anything about it and and she doesn't have a lot of confidence that if she were to go on match.com that she's going to be able to attract anybody that she would be attracted to anyway so essentially what you have is very low motivation that is due to a what we're going to locate or low self-efficacy that you could actually change the situations in any substantial way that would really shake up her life in a positive way so what I would do what I would essentially educate this person about what it would take to get to somewhere that would be very different the sometimes we we are looking to looking to set goals only the goals that you can control that's what I call micro goals and we don't want to ego trap people we want to get people feeling the self esteem that comes with daily execution of a good overall master plan but sometimes we also need to realistically dream pretty big the motivational speaker Jim Rohn in the 1970s had a saying about how big your goals needed to be and his description was they need to be big enough to turn you on and so if I was with this person I would be asking them what do they most want what did they what do they really yearn for quietly and if it is the intimacy of a good relationship then we need to talk about what steps would be required and what's really in front of us that may be stopping it and in this case in this example that has been given to us it might be the 40 pounds that stands between her and actually being competitive to the point where she could earn her way through competition to a position where she could actually find somebody that she would that they would be strongly mutually interested in each other now I would also explain that this is doable without personal starvation and that you do not have to be crazy and you don't have to wire your mouth shut and you don't have to go hungry and you don't have to do any of those things that everybody does to try to be slender you do not have to do this you have to know how to do this properly what the right foods are and the right strategy is and you'll find this on John McDougall site in the webinars that I have done one of them called the slow fast way and a more recent one is called the conditioned cram where I explain the the nature of classically conditioned systematic overeating so there's there's not that much to learn there's a handful of things that this person would need to learn and I would look on them in the eye and I would say this is something that you can do okay this is not easy and the world isn't going to just give it to you easily but this is doable and it is very doable and in a matter of months we can turn your life around and we can put you in a position to actually be feeling very good about yourself being very competitive and being in a place where if you met somebody wonderful you'd be ready that's the kind of thing that I would say to them in other words I would signal to them that I believe that it was very possible for them I would not say that it was easy I would say it's going to take diligent effort and that it will not take some superhuman effort because that it will not take you will take the right knowledge and execution of the correct fundamentals which is usually what it takes to compete well in anything so that's that's how I would do it and and that's where we would go with that
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