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Episode 81: Questions for Dr Lisle
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all right good evening everybody this is Neji along with dr. Lisle dr. wile how are you doing today okay good how you doing not too bad it's the starting to wind down from the summer we just watched the solar eclipse a couple weeks ago that was interesting I tried not to look at the Sun but I think I snuck snuck it in for about a second or maybe half a second cool how about you how's how's your summer going dr. Lao good everything's going just grant I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend to speak at one of our good friends is chef AJ chef a bj and she's holding a conference there and dr. Alan Goldhamer and I are going there and and speaking and well that we're going to have a grand time as a grand time as you can have in Las Vegas with Alan Goldhamer yeah yeah oh that's funny though a lovely salad and steamed vegetables and we will not be going to any strip bars and I'll be in it it's my hotel room early and we'll probably exercise that that will be my Las Vegas trip but it's going to be good some sounds like an exciting last all right all right I got that you know we got some questions today we're going to continue on with some of the emails and questions by the way thank you guys so much for the listeners we have gotten a whole bunch of great great questions so I put them on a list and we just get them get through them as soon as you can so keep coming in with the questions and please don't be discouraged if you don't hear your question it's we're going to get to a you know as soon as we can so all right so let's get started this question is about homosexuality and lesbianism so dear dr. Lau from what I understand from the podcast people say seem to end up with people of similar attractiveness even though they probably would like to be with people who are more attractive so how do you account for lesbian women I see that homosexual men tend to go for the best and manliest man but beautiful lesbian women who I've heard are called lipstick lesbians seem to go for the less attractive means that our more butch like and look like men so why do we generally not see beautiful lesbians together I think to myself if lesbians want a partner that looks like a man why don't they just get a man that that's a very good question and I'm my thinking is this I I don't I actually don't have any data on this but this is what makes sense to me so I think I think that this is probably accurate I think this this I think there's a pattern that I don't think that this is a mistaken observation obviously there's going to be you know some significant percentage of exceptions but I believe that this is probably true and the reason is is that there's going to be inside the heads of some lesbian women there's they're going to have a you're going to have differences in sort of your mating search images so you if you are a effeminate female but you are a lesbian you might be attracted to more masculine characteristics even though you're attracted to women you are still attracted to women that might look like men so the I believe that that's this is the case so I think that's why you're seeing this and the notion of if they want a partner that looks like a man why don't they just get a man the the issue is is that there they are they're not attracted to men per se they're attractive to women but they are also attracted to masculine characteristics so this this has to do with essentially the nature of mating search images that are undoubtedly coded in in the brain and influenced by hormonal surges both both genetically controlled as well as environmentally controlled in utero so this is so this is sort of so you can you can think of some degree of the brain being more masculinized or more feminized so a more feminized person is going to be typically more attracted to more masculinist characteristics and vice-versa and so so for example a male looking at this can looks at the at what is attractive in a lesbian female through the eyes of a heterosexual male saying hey I like the really feminized one what a shame that she's a lesbian whereas the but if you were if you were females look if you're a heterosexual female looking through the eyes of the problem you would say well yeah I can see why that she would be more attracted and attractive or the feminized pretty-pretty quote female would be attracted to a more masculine eyes version of a female so I think that's all you're looking at and I think I think that's sort of the end of the mystery there so youyou could be a lesbian but an effeminate lesbian who is attracted to a more masculine looking creature that also happens to be a female so I think that's what's going on now when I was in high school before you know when homosexuality was just beginning to be being talked about I used to be the mischievous one in school used to tell my teachers that I was simply a lesbian trapped in a man's body they didn't find it as funny as I did there we go of course that sounds about right Nate all right next question so every time yes in a previous show you talked about correlation of attractiveness and having to do with happiness is in your opinion is there a correlation between self-esteem and Happiness certainly there is now so let's let's define happiness for a minute so what happiness is is it a it's a diverse set of experiences that that that are possible for for human because the human has particular neural circuits and these neural circuits are the overwhelming majority of neural circuits in your brain are rarely fired so you rarely activate the neural circuits associated with eating an apple you might do that you know 50 or 60 times a year but most days most hours you are not activating those circuits so you're you've got all kinds of neural circuits in you and they will occasionally be activated under specified conditions so your nervous system is a lot like a piano that they can play a tremendous diversity of music but but usually sits silent or if someone is playing the piano they're rarely playing you know they're only playing one thing they're not playing a whole bunch of different things so your nervous system can't be both cheering for your team winning the Super Bowl watching that Plus working on a math problem plus being excited about a new dress it's just work or and also worried about is it in an upcoming date okay that is not all happening at the same time so the the the nervous system has all kinds of circuits in it and the experience of happiness comes as a result of the activation of happiness circuits now happiness circuits are going to be activated under certain conditions and not under activated under other conditions so if you are nailing boards on your deck and you hit your finger your thumb with the net with the hammer you are not that is not going to activate happiness circuit in fact you might have been activating happiness circuits as a result of progress that you're making on your deck and you know your wife is saying hey that's really looking good out here you know Biff and then Biff hits his thumb and now he's swearing and he's unhappy okay so happiness circuits are activated under certain conditions and they shut down under other conditions now happiness is not entirely but is largely related or the vast majority of happiness experiences happen as a result of steam dynamics so it's steam signaling extreme processes that are taking place inside the brain that the most obvious is positive feedback from other people the positive feedback comes in three pettite of domains mating friendship and in trade so those are those are the three primary markets that human beings need to compete in in order to survive and reproduce there is a fourth esteem process that's important and that esteem processes is going to be the self-esteem mechanism so the self-esteem mechanism is your internal audience that I've spoken about many times that is watching your efforts and is judging the quality of your efforts with respect to your attempts to improve your ability to compete for esteem with the real live people now there's another set of relationships in the world that are important and that's the relationships that will take place within families so there's a lot of vicarious survival and reproductive gains and losses that are going on in human beings you know can get excited when their kids do well and miserable when their kids are doing poorly etc so those are those are additional processes that can go on that are intense vicarious processes are very intense in family situations and and in pretty intense and friendship situations and even can be fairly intense in in when you trap the or or activate neural circuits in you know your team you're the Cleveland Cavaliers and your Cleveland and you haven't won a title and now LeBron James wins a title for you now you're extremely happy about this it's you have a vicarious process that's going on so anyway but the point is is through all of this we see esteemed processes dominate the show now it's not the only thing there is in life you can also the steam processes dominate the show for the simple reason the steam processes dominate the variance of outcomes with respect to survival and reproduction of the genetic code so the is what other people think of you is the most important determining feature of your genetic success period the and so as a result there are other things that are important like how if you are hiking along by yourself or even with your friends and you find a benign environment when it's been hot sticky and then you find an oasis there's a lot of happiness involved there because you've just gone from a lousy environment to a good environment and and you can pick up the importance of the change of the environment in your survival and your brain computes that and activates a mood of happiness to tell you that that has happened so happiness isn't exclusively associated with the steam dynamics but it is dominated by esteem dynamics one of the most important sources of steam processes our self-esteem our self-esteem processes so how how what your internal audience thinks of you is going to be a very important issue so that that self-esteem mechanism the state of the self-esteem mechanism is highly correlated with the person's happiness during that time so there is a very high correlation between self-esteem and Happiness it has not been well studied because other investigators have not separated out well what I call self esteem versus other esteem they they actually they have confounded the two and they're not looking at them as two separate processes but if you look at them as two separate processes it is obvious that both praat they are independent processes they feel very similar but they do come from different sources and the and the state of what the organism thinks about itself is an enormous ly important predictor and controlling factor of the person's happiness experiences now the one of the most important things that I do mm-hmm Oh dr. Lyle I think we may have lost dr. Lyle let's see if we can get them back online hello dr. Lyle alright just bear with us sorry about this little technical difficulty all right dr. Lowe I'm back ah you are back okay great good very good okay so yeah I'd talked long enough on this question anyway that the technical gods decided to cut me off the show anyway you have to finish that you people have considerable control over their happiness there are a lot of times not aware of this and and so it's useful to actually be aware that you have a lot of control of your happiness through the self esteem mechanism but it's not through the mechanism that most psychologists or counselors believe you cannot use self-affirming statements to improve your self-esteem that is not how the self-esteem mechanism works the self-esteem mechanism works as an independent judge observing your efforts and then then giving your steam meter feedback on the quality of those efforts and so what you have control over is you have control in direct control over the self-esteem signaling that will take place inside of you and that that will have a major impact on your happiness the self-esteem that you experience will be the amount of self-esteem that you earn and so diligent effort even in the face of struggles and difficulties that are that are maybe even embarrassing and frustrating diligent effort will cause self-esteem to rise and and with that rise of self-esteem will be an increase of the Meuse of happiness so that's that's the important so self-esteem and happiness are not merely correlated they are actually intensively causally related with the happiness being the result of a self-esteem support that is caused by diligent action so that's how that works and so what's your take on self esteem see I'm sorry esteem from others that's earned kind of accidentally and over rewarded so my example is maybe somebody who gets fame really quickly you know like a video that goes viral or something and right and they have you know is kind of a fluke and they just happen to be lucky all right they less happy or do they have to work less hard to get more esteem or is this independent of other people's esteem yeah well what's happening my air using a bunch of things yeah yeah what's happening is is that the person is getting a whole wave of the steam signals from the outside so this is exhilarating okay so this is uh this looks like genetic gold but they just hit now most of the time what's going to happen is if it's if it can't be repeated and the person's efforts are not particularly unique etc but it just happened get popular because they set a swear word in a funny way to their dog and now everybody's all laughing about it you've got a million hits okay so it can it can be exciting because they get a bunch of positive feedback but it's going to it's going to blow over very quickly okay so so the system basically gets all excited because there's a bunch of a steam and then the esteem fades off so now it's gone no problem the it isn't like it isn't like some terrible event out but it was kind of a cool event but it didn't really turn into much because it wasn't made out of much so the so that's that's how this is going to work so we are we're always on our nervous system is always looking for the nature of the feedback from from people outside as cues to tell us how to behave so a person who has that happen is going to do another video that's similar to it and swear out their dog again at a different language or how are they do it with a different accent and now they're going to hope it again but this time they only have thirty thousand hits instead of a million so the the the fickle public has moved on to somebody else that's I don't know French kissing their dog okay so now we get a whole new thing going on don't yeah don't have many ideas doctor though so so this is this is you know how this goes so really your happiness is most dependent on a on a so you could talk about your happiness at any one second a person that is dying of cancer and a fair amount of pain can can be in an acute moment of happiness when they see their long-lost kid that they haven't seen in 16 years that comes to their bedside and says oh my god I'm so sorry blah blah okay so there can be a tremendous mood of happiness there what will we talk about vaguely when people talk about happiness is what is sort of the average baseline of your life experience here over the last few months that's sort of what people mean when they say hey how are you happy ie what is the typical emotional tone of your existence how often are you hitting moods of happiness versus how often are you hitting mood to misery they're really talking about essentially an average score and so that's what that's what that word really means when we break it down into its details and so so waves of excitement that happen that are over rewarded for some goofy reason these things are going to cause little waves of happiness but but they will not be repeated and they won't wind up being a major mathematical factor in that individuals overall life experience so basically your happiness is dependent upon is this the steadiness of the stream of positive feedback that comes in these three competitive environments as well as the environment within so that's that's how that actually works you think of your life as a or card with with oh I'm sorry dr. la hoja hi to your video okay all right so enough of this question let's go ahead and move on let's see what else we got all right so we we've got a growler way of saying I've said enough haha go ahead well we got a caller but we've got a caller on hold to call I'm going to keep you on hold we're going to go through a couple more questions and we'll put you on in just a little bit okay okay you're dr. Lyle here dr. Lyle thanks for such a great podcast we love you you're the best oh I'm sorry okay dear dr. Lao when pursuing a casual mating strategy up to how many levels are men willing to sleep down I personally just reentered the dating market after ending a several year long relationship and I'm trying to calibrate myself also I've realized that I'm a disagreeable person and it really causes strains on my friendships including with my best friend who is just as or even more disagreeable than I am but I'm also highly conscientious so I often feel guilty when I've act disagreeably with my friends do you have any tips on how to navigate friendships as a disagreeable person for reference I'm a 29 year old woman with friends in a similar age range well that's a pair of interesting questions okay first question about about the causal mating and how many levels are men willing to sleep down apparently she's trying to calibrate herself there's no there's no hard and fast rule here the I was on an airplane once with a guy who was he was a nurse and he was working make makin a lot of money working in the oil fields of northern Russia up in Siberia and he he he told me I was I was explaining evolutionary psychology to him and he got a big kick out of it and he said so we started talking about women and whirs in the mask so oh it's the same conversation with me it doesn't matter so it always winds up with mathematics so the he said well actually where where I work up there the there was there's one woman and there's like 50 guys and she's about a two but she's a ten in other words she's the only game in town and so and so literally the the handsomest coolest guys are angling to get to get to her and they do get to her and that's who she's sleeping with and that was interesting to me I did wouldn't have known that that would be the case so I didn't know that men were so flexible the but it doesn't I guess shocked me and I have learned over the years that that certainly it's true that they're males are are considerably more flexible than females as far as the range of how low they're willing to go and so the answer to your question is there is no hard and fast rule the so you you're not going to be able to calibrate because even if if a person is a three there might be a ten on a lonely night with nobody else in the bar that he's willing to go for it so you can't you can't find it if you if you are that three and there is a ten and you've slept with three or four of those tens that doesn't mean that you're an eight that just means you're a three that ran into some tens so yeah you can calibrate pretty easily if you're honest with ourselves and that is that you can tell essentially if you go out on a on a reasonable date you can you can tell how who texts to or writes back to who and how quickly and how and how bouncy they are and excited about the process and it's going to be the person who feels over rewarded that it's going to feel the anxiety and so you can calibrate yourself by who it you know who are the people that are excited and then who are the people that seem to be consistently slow to respond and very cool and that's how you can can get that calibration done all right now the next thing is going to be how did the disagreeable issue now that's this is an interesting issue about about friendships and disagree ability and so forth sort of in general the I I would say that a decent decent Maxim to use in in friendship is was passed on to me years ago I read book written by John Wooden the great basketball coach at UCLA and he he had a saying and that was go more than halfway and that that's a very nice simple way to encapsulate the notion that human beings in general are a bit on the selfish side and so in friendship is quite possible for to two reasonable people to be thinking they're seeing something down the middle but really they're both saying it 55/45 their own way so they feel slightly chiseled and if you're somewhat disagreeable person you're a 60-40 trader for example so you you believe that that what is in fact a 50-50 deal is actually forty sixty against you so you can be feeling irritated and sending irritating signals and irritated signals to the other side attempting to guilt them into concessions and you can you can be kind of you know a pain about this and so a good general strategy and friendships is to consider that you use a little self-discipline and go more than halfway of what you think now you don't have to go to 70/30 but you should be thinking you know what 6040 is fine I'll go 60/40 against and and if we do this we may find out that we do the cost is small and yet you may find that your relationships that it may reduce a fair amount of the friction in your relationships particularly if you're somewhat disagreeable so that's a that's a I had an incident that happened not totally dissimilar to this I mean it sounds a little fanciful to have a rule like this or actually pull this off like there's some kind of Mother Teresa behavior that you know you couldn't really do but you can do it and this this week this last week I spoke at a seminar and and the seminar was about you know people losing weight and getting healthy and all this sort of jobs so people pay a lot of money to come here and listen to a group of us and we do a very good job and in my presentations I'm actually using evolutionary psychology as the lens by which to describe and explain some of the problems that people are having and why the problem in the modern environment is so difficult for people to to get healthy and stay healthy on a healthy track and of course because we're I'm not using the word evolution and I'm being very careful because we've got people of all kinds of religious faiths in here and I'm not looking to offend anybody but I'm just trying to speak to their source code so that they can understand the actual dynamics that are sitting under their motivations so that they can they can get more command to these things and so speaking about stories of our natural history maybe some of my own stories and anyway a few of these stories are going to in order to be entertaining and somewhat interesting they're going to have romantic dynamics or sexual undertones and so I have a few stories that I tell through the week and they're heterosexual and of course as evolutionary psychologist that's kind of how we think we think through reproduction dynamics we now have thought I think it telogen tlie and well about the origins of homosexuality and it's very interesting and you know believe me I think most of us that are deep in this field feel very value free you know and I'm completely comfortable with the gay and lesbian community etc so the I don't harbor that I don't think a negative neuron about people that aren't of my sexual orientation the at the end of this week a somewhat disagreeable woman says you know pulled me aside and said I can you can I give you some feedback and I'm like when you know she looked large struggling with her weight that's why she's there and I'm like yeah and she said well your examples are your examples that you use are always heterosexual and you know there's other people in the world and by using those examples you are indicating that that's what's normal and etc so she's like lecturing me and giving me some some negative feedback basically calling me on the carpet and I'm irritated because my mind is swirling through like I understand her point but at the same time I'm not there to carry a banner for anybody's you know social issues I'm there to educate about a specific thing etc etc so I'm like I'm not arguing with her but I'm mentally defending myself and and it's irritating you're tending to get the negative feedback so I was slightly frosty but I was civil and and then I left and I had a couple hours for next presentation and during that two hours I actually had some time to think my very first reaction was to text a friend of mine and say let me just tell you what BS I just got and essentially to get coalition support that I was fine I was right there's nothing wrong with my presentations and she can go jam it and I thought about it a little while longer I didn't do that I just kind of thought about this and the more I thought about it I thought well I really am not there to have these people to come all from the country to come from Iowa and God's country somewhere and then to give them a Berkeley example in the middle of of this now that's not what I'm here to do I'm not here to fight your political battle so I'm like defending my own position in my behavior in my own mind and irritated still and a little while longer I was thinking well now wait a second I understand where she's actually coming from and she actually has a point that example after example after example in this world of the way people are but she has to hear the heterosexual angle and he or she is paying a lot of money facing you know this thing and now she's going to get some more of it which is it's not unreasonable it's just irritating and so and I'm thinking I've got a good life I people tell me I'm really helpful I my life's just great this one's life's got some real struggles you know I'm this naturally skinny person up there lecturing about weight loss for God's sakes and and you know she's like many people that are struggling with this and so she's frustrated and I thought you know Doug you don't need to win this fight and you don't need me to defend yourself she actually has a point and had I ever taken the time to figure out a way to put a flight signal into my lectures in it with finesse that indicated that I was fine with gay and lesbian relationships if I'd spend the time to just find a sentence not to be offensive and not to make a political statement but just to do this I could do it but I just never have gone to the trouble I thought that would be a good thing to do that so I went back in there a couple hours later and I tapped her on the shoulder and I said I want to thank you for bringing that up to me okay I said that I that was really useful for me and I'm I'm gonna make a point to do a better job she was really pleased and in my next presentation I could see out of the corner of my eye how much happier she was and I thought and there I was I wasn't the best thing was for me because I wasn't in there frosty winning the audience but no I was pounding my status as leader of the group down her throat like I'm in charge and you're not yet you're irritated with me well to hell with you et cetera look I'm fine I didn't have that dynamic but I would have had that dynamic had I not done that but because I did that she felt included I felt relaxed because I didn't have a little subversive enemy out there I didn't win that I did something else and as a result it was an inclusive process and then as the as the rest of the week transpired it was very warm way better than it would have been so this is an example of going more than half way like I didn't have to go more than half way and and you know many times in my life people I'm no saint and a lot of times in my life I've dug in my heels and not going more than halfway and I said this is halfway and too bad for you and I can defend this to the teeth and now the older I get I'm recognizing this as a as sort of a deep genetic algorithm that doesn't dare take any status hits in a Stone Age village under a game theory set of constraints that you don't want to give an inch and interestingly enough you know the sages of the world have recognized this problem and have known it's hard to coach humans out of it we're very stingy about this and yet if we are willing to make that move and go more than halfway it is very often a really really good move so that's a that's a coda to this question that she's asking that I think it's a useful example and hopefully I will keep this example in my own mind and the years to come when I when I have similar situations come up and I see that similar defensive mess about feeling like now I don't have to go I don't have to go that far you know sometimes it's the right thing and the best thing for you to to go farther than you would have thought wow that's really interesting that's cool that's really really interesting what when I was younger and me and my little sister we went out picking berries and we came back with a big bowl of berries and of course we did you know we got along really really well but when it came to you know splitting up the berries we couldn't really agree on what was fair so my dad the the the brilliant parent that he was what he said is one of you splits it in half and the other one decides sure yeah and instantly it was like everybody was completely fair about it so right down to the last bear it's all gets good right down yeah you got it all right good well let's uh let's take a little break from the questions let's take one of the callers and then we'll get back to our questions so alright here we go I'm so caller what's your name where you calling from hi this is AJ from LA Oh how you guys doing love the show is grand religiously so we are we are as lucky to have you well thank you I tell everybody about the show I mean I practically forced them to listen if they want to be my friends so so here's the question I don't think you've covered us about what is embarrassment what's the purpose of it are humans the only when they get embarrassed and why is it that certain things would not embarrass somebody but mortify and humiliate another to give an example from real life I remember watching one of the talk shows where a young girl was videotaped unknowingly having sex and the video was released and then she actually killed herself from humiliation and yet I've also met a female who is a porn actress who will have sex in a camera with total strangers so how could the same thing mortify humiliate one and not faze another so I've always wondered what is embarrassment is there a biological purpose and because I personally don't like it yeah none of us like it this is a great question AJ yeah embarrassment is the is actually about was you can tell there's going to be more than one flavor of embarrassment there's there's a few sometimes embarrassing is actually you're being you're being flattered you're being actually somebody's giving you very high praise and you feel embarrassed from the high praise and highly conscientious people will feel uncomfortable that they're getting too much status and that's an uncomfortable feeling and they want to give it back okay so because it puts them in a position that's actually uncomfortable and unstable so and it also puts them potentially at odds with other people that are would be competitive for that status and and they may not want to be in that position so that that position is potentially a position of being threatened so so this is where humility you know depends upon who a person is but they can be embarrassed by high praise and then feel humble reaction okay so the but now the embarrassment that AJ's directly talking about is different and that's the embarrassment that comes the the the painful embarrassment that comes from status loss the embarrassment is embarrassment is the emotion that a human being experiences when they are either experiencing status loss or they are predicting status loss so you can get embarrassed with that said that that makes sense that makes a lot yes yeah so in the case of our porn star the porn star actually gains status from her her attractive body in her her sexual posturing etcetera etcetera in other words the the girl who is embarrassed that she got videoed sure her status in her village her competitive process was not to flaunt her sexuality was actually to defend her sexuality as a para bond partner okay so right so therefore to have to have be exposed as someone who was quote promiscuous or whatever it was and some wild things that she was doing or not you know whatever didn't make any difference the point is is that there was a status loss associated with now having thousands of people know that you did the sexual thing it was taped and you know maybe you wanted to be taped and who looking to look at you and what you look like and who here's the things that you did and all this kind of the last thing that girl wanted was to have the village think that she was highly sexualized and so as a result the pain embarrassment was so painful that that you know it we was associated with her suicide you know certainly was probably a primal cause so the this is so that's what embarrassment is embarrassment is a is a is a genetically designed device in our species likely unique to our species yeah that's so we're like good day could that young lady have gotten over it without killing herself is how do we get over in there yeah yes she could have gotten over without embarrassment she that was there there was clearly something some some things in that nervous system that were there was a pretty you know that that was an intense personality there was a lot of emotional instability in there or else that wouldn't have been in reaction to that situation now the that doesn't I'm not saying that she's an outlier I'm just saying that that wasn't somebody down the middle of the bell curve for emotional stability that it would have embarrassed and upset a lot of people and depressed him and got him angry and they might have had to move to new town and you know really have their friends circle around him but they wouldn't it killed themselves so and clearly we had additional factors that were involved here that we're making this particular situation very dramatic yeah people can absolutely get over embarrassment you're not designed if you're badly embarrassed you're designed to never forget it it's yes a resident citizen resident program or a neural circuit sitting inside you waiting for situations that are sufficiently similar to the one that happened to cause the embarrassment to activate and therefore warn you that you might lose status again because the same set of circumstances are coming up okay so this is a the brain is human brain is brilliant at essentially recording now an interesting this discussion brings up a very interesting point that people believe that all the terrible things that happen to them are essentially eating away at the quality of their emotional life experience this is not true bad things that happen to you sit as resonant circuits like embarrassing things or painful things or abusive things etc they set they sit as resonant circuits in the organism and they are not active they're quiet Hey and then if circumstances come up that are at least superficially similar the pattern of data if the smell of a guy were the way he moves you know are similar to somebody that abuse you okay I had a had a friend that was that was raped by a man that looked very similar to Johnny Depp and so she cannot watch Johnny Depp movies okay so the it just activates those circuits so the circuits but she's not walking around in any kind of misery because she was raped 20 years ago she never thinks about it and it doesn't interfere with her romantic relationships or anything else but if she goes into a movie or Johnny Depp's in the movie and didn't know it now it's a problem okay so this is how memory works and this is how embarrassment works so embarrassment will fit believe me I've got things I'm embarrassed about and they sit as little resident programs and of some little some little social queue or memory cups remind me I get to experience it all over again usually it you know thirty percent of the intensity that it took place at the time but it's a nice reminder to never do it pull a stunt like that again well there are that very interesting AJ thank you very much for the call we we really appreciate would love your questions and I will in order to talk them to you next time get to sleep don't waste your time listen to us you got things to do we'll see you tonight okay bye all right yeah it's interesting that this came up about the embarrassment earlier earlier this week for whatever reason I was driving back from work to home through traffic and it was the 20 minutes where I just happen to think of every single embarrassing moment like from the time I was I could remember until until the the present moment it was just like eating out yeah the whole time and it was just I was trying to figure out why I was going to ask you later but this is interesting I like it amazing that activated a little circuit and your main brain did a review right yeah who doesn't like happened recently yeah something happen recently it was sufficiently similar it just sort of quietly activated the circuit mm-hmm now bunch of our listeners are going to have that happen tonight and they're not going to listen again for a while all right let's go on what else maybe one more let's take well yeah we got one more question then we'll get the rest for later yeah let me pick one one below the one since we're kind of on sexual psychology kind of casual mating type of thing I'm going to get the other one that we had a plan but okay dear dr. Lyle I've seen countless stories in the news over the past several years of attractive female high school teachers in their 20s and 30s sleeping with their male students how does evolutionary psychology explain this behavior as it seems counter to what you would expect from attractive females these male students most likely don't have resources at that age so is it likely that these rumps are more physically attractive than their teachers and that is the appeal for the females since the tip students are typically under age their photos aren't published so it's not really possible to compare the attractiveness of students against the teachers what say you ah this is one of the most ludicrous if you just watch the politicians and the religious leaders and everybody else twists themselves into a pretzel over this problem and the courts like this is where the society is a ways away from grasping the realities of evolutionary psychology so young women some 16 year-old girl and some 32 year old teacher she may be handsome and she may be cute he's into her but this is not fair okay it's not fair because she's she's got eggs there that she doesn't really know how well to defend he's in some artificial position of authority makes him look fancy he's actually got a power relationship over her this is a problem and and she's not human if she doesn't realize she bats her eyelashes she might not have to do so well on the test and she'd you get an A anyway okay so this is obviously this is a problem the the reverse is not a problem or I guess you could say it's a problem but it's a total joke some young handsome stead okay that is the cock of the walk of his high school I can appeal to some attractive female teacher and at that point this guy is is a rising star and he's very likely to be 10 or 20% tuile have greater 10 or 20 percentile sex appeal than the teacher and so of course the teacher is going to try to rob that DNA see this is a straight example of a female sleeping up under casual mating strategy that's what it is so of course he doesn't have any resources yet so her stone-age brain is not figuring on those resources the stone-age brain is just looking at superior DNA and she's taken it now the male does not need to defend his eggs the way females need to defend their eggs so the male is extremely happy about this and the idea that some male is going to be dropped eyes about those or the got taken advantage of as a total joke and the notion that the teacher should be thrown in the poke is a total joke okay so now we should have rules and wrist slaps and so on and so forth because we don't want exploitation and power relationships cetera actually when I would say what I would say doing counseling at the University of Virginia I actually came across an interesting case which believe me I didn't have very much sympathy for yeah I forgot about this case we're going back folks we're going back 35 years so this kid came into the Counseling Center because he was really handsome and it turned out he had a girlfriend but it's a problem she's always jealous and all these other girls were always hitting on him and that was hard on him and and then it turned out that one of his teachers at the University of Virginia was hitting on it okay and was being really insistent about it so this poor kid you know that her last dress so I'm not saying that maybe there doesn't need to be some rules but this is a completely different biological situation than the reverse and the courts don't see it as different so the female teachers are are doing something that the young males find very exciting and I actually knew a guy that this happened to guy named Bob okay and let me tell you something bob was a big handsome guy so this was no 17-year old you know whim pass on who was getting picked on and cornered by his teacher he actually knocked her up ah okay so bottom line is you have no idea what a star this guy was this guy was like a hero to us so this is a completely different set of circumstance has been happens on the other side now I'm not saying that on the other side that there aren't females who aren't excited about this and that don't feel exploited etc etc so I'm not saying it's all 180 degrees I'm just saying that know that what's happening here is absolutely predictable by evolutionary psychology the the males that we're talking about or have grand sex appeal I actually knew my English teacher in where I went to school in high school was a pretty good looking but not in very good shape you know 40 year old female and she was not bad-looking she was above average but she was not fancy and and interestingly enough her husband was also an English teacher and in a different school and I met him and he was a 10 he was extremely attractive and that relationship broke up but anyway my teacher I found out my teacher was clearly frustrated at her lack of positive feedback in the sexual arena I could tell and and so and she would be mildly flirtatious and sexually suggestive but you know I'm like shrugging my shoulders like that this was nothing I was interested in most of us weren't but been anyway the long the long and short of it was that a few years later I found out that she got in serious trouble for having an affair with a student and it didn't surprise me at all so this was this was a seven out of shape 40 year-old female that was desperate for to grab higher than she deserved and the only place to get it was out of the student pool and that's exactly what happened so there you go that's that story and I think that I think that's about right all right yeah my right dog questioned it yeah you see I can't warrior oh it's like yeah well this one's for you Bob you got it already we'll never tell his last name know what we can see no we won't we won't but he brought you happy about it
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