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Episode 70: Finding your identity - an on-air session w Dr Lisle and a listener
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good evening everyone Nate here with dr. Lyle with the beat Eugene's podcast so dr. Lyle and I are here every week to talk about evolutionary psychology and how it applies to life love sex dating friends relationships and finding our own happiness so you can call in and speak with us about whatever is on your mind ask us some questions or if you brave enough tell us an embarrassing story or two about yourself well this week on our podcast a longtime listener is an honor session with dr. Lyle about finding his own identity and what to consider when making his life decisions so we're all on this earth for the same biological reasons and that is to spread our genes but if we're diligent enough alert enough and even a little lucky enough we might just experience a whole heck of a lot of happiness along the way [Music] I know that good very good very good all right so well tell me a story about which what's going on what are we working on what are we trying to get better um it's uh I guess you know a lot of maybe overall just better understanding of myself and more comfortably more comfortable with who that self is I think the hardest part is kind of knowing well Who I am and finding that you know that honest voice about that and then being comfortable with those some of those things because you know through I don't know if you remember maybe like the email and like the call that we had but a lot of it you know a lot of my I guess confusion or issues kind of stems from the values of my parents that have been pushed on me that are not aligned with who I am really deep down and also in in many ways the nature of me being a male and so kind of trying to find that voice again and and I guess making sure that that's really me rather than maybe what I what I may think I will might want also you know I mean and trying to find that all that out is kind of my long-term goal and I was hoping and you know listening to like beat your jeans and uh uh this other podcast that dr. Jeffrey Miller was part of for a while with uh with Tucker Max uh forget what it's called mating grounds podcast or something is when I first was introduced to evolution apology and so it definitely struck a chord and so like for me I've and especially with your podcast and more like how you focus on things like a steam has been more day-to-day applicable for sure because many grounds is more focused on relationships and things like that more and more like closer to like ninety percent of the time which is really informational but you know for me as an individual in my own personal growth that's kind of where you know I find yours to be more applicable your your your firmness and your podcast units podcast but uh see I mean in general that's kind of what I'm hoping for and and kind of in the process of doing and I guess on the path of trying to get to yeah so all right so try to try to articulate this for me a little again so so that what we're where is your where is your life experience you know where you frustrated a little bit we're puzzled or you know any kind of confusion or you know unhappy about something give me a little feel for what you're anything that you're struggling with that you're trying to improve sure um you know I think on a day to day basis it's definitely decreased in terms of you know like a self-consciousness and confidence has improved immensely just in kind of thinking a lot about the things that you guys talked about and I but I think like the things that I struggle with probably mostly around family and I think a lot that the big struggle is actually do it should I just just go after what I totally want even though it may not be the most self I have a daughter so like um you know like that in the email where I asked about you know me being Korean and kind of always struggling with the desire to be successful and live according to what my parents want which is pretty much be a doctor be married but ultimately be very boring right kind of what I've always fought against right because I don't know it's it's it's definitely partly because of my personality I'm very outgoing I'm very fun they um I enjoy experience open I'm very open experiences and challenging myself and just doing something new and bizarre just because it's new bizarre sometimes but like that's kind of where that's who I I guess if you left me to my own devices that's I'd be dead and that's probably something along those lines would have what wouldn't been what caused it you know and so you know it's like that's maybe maybe that's why I am though you know I don't know a lot of it if it was a lot of like rebellion and and kind of like as you described about kicking the table over and just saying forget it I'm not going to do anything that that falls in mind with what you want because it's just that a set of at a higher level than what I think I can obtain and that definitely played a part just kind of overall but you know in general I just struggle to not want to just kind of be like basically like basically be like a surf beach bum I guess that's the easiest stereotype to kind of call on to explain like that's my daily stood up daily but that's what I I've I've tried to for so long look for a way that I can have a lot of resources and yet be able to do you just not care about stuff and have fun and and and and and have a good life and you know I sit there and I argue to myself I'm like well you know you're dirt-poor like what's still suck and you know there's there's a lot of that battle about like what's the best path forward and I've gotten I've done pretty well to a point where I'm in a good place now took a while but you know I tried to don't do much with your life route for a while and I end up kind of lonely still wanting to make a lot of money and so I guess there's that struggle to it's like this nature of me of biologically of you know wanting to have resources because you know females are attracted to that and and also yourself along those lines of you know listening to Beauty genes has really helped in evolutionary biology in general is kind of help to that make me feel guilty about it because strangely enough of my parents wanted me to get resources they would also kind of give into not wanting money because that's like right korean plus christianity right is the messed up thing about that but yeah and so somehow that confuse the hell out of me yes yeah i mean in general i think that whatever were all the different influences to kind of like screw up that part of me I think I'm still struggling with that question of like whether or not I really want to just kind of always keep working so damn hard for money money on ice and that's a very big struggle money right now let's just look at a few few issues here because these are these are interesting the how old are you 35 35 okay and and what kind of work do you do now I am a software developer for iPhone apps so mobile software developer iOS broker got it okay so your software developer so you make a pretty good living yeah fine okay took me a while to get there but got it make a pretty good living and and so are you married with this daughter or what what's your situation I was married just a close to the end of the process of divorce okay so divorcing now but your daughter is how old is your daughter for four years old okay and so we got a situation where you're sort of getting wined up sharing custody effective link mm-hmm okay all right so and is it all reasonably amicable or we're in a big mess yeah you know it's a little it's a little hard to explain but yeah generally it's reasonably amical except amicable except that she doesn't want me to really have that much time with my daughter the only reason it's amicable right she's super passive-aggressive and I won't let her make me get upset emotionally so I guess we are both adults to some degree but deep down inside you know like I really don't like what she's doing and she clearly yeah like certain things about me and that's why I should don't wish you doing got it okay so this is uh sounds like this is this is what I call fair enough in other words human beings we're not designed to be getting married it at 30 years old or 23 years old and then be happily monogamous for 50 years that that is not the nature of the species and so fact that a few people can actually pull it off truly successfully is is a is an interesting it isn't it's an interesting possibility it's really not typical okay so yeah you're we wouldn't expect that to be true and so we would expect an awful lot of people by virtue of of a religious pressure social pressure various kinds I religious pressure or social pressure other kinds of social pressure as well as financial pressures to stick with relationships that are no longer very satisfying in order to honor honor expectations or or honor legitimate problematic responsibilities with respect to children etc but you're in a situation where you're in the early 21st century you're smart you've got you're a software developer II make a decent living your your soon-to-be ex is not a crazy nut case that you have to spend all of your resources trying to pry the daughter away from her so that the daughter can have a decent existence in fact you've got a situation that is reasonably amicable it's good enough you know I'm saying the right in fact it sounds like the ex is probably highly conscientious and thinks that that that the daughter is better off with her than it is with you and so therefore you know she feels morally justified and in trying to put up barriers to that whatever you know that's that's yeah that's Android operating procedure particularly for moms so that remember in Princip she has a far greater genetic investment in this child than you do there was more of her genetic energies or will support into it than yours will be have their therefore she feels extra protective of that you know she needs to have her eyeballs on this person's developmental struggles more than you so all reasonable completely fine the courts will never get this figured out because they can't look through an evolutionary lens but that's all you know the courts will never be able to bring evolutionary biology into these questions but if we did it halfway would look like light courts looked in the 1970's and 80's in other words right lean it towards the mother but the fat dad should be in there if he wants to be in there and he and he's paying so fair enough okay so that's fine so now you are going to be free how long have you been were you attached to this lady so you know at the time that I had decided to split up and one of the divorce had been together total eight years two years dating since you'd know but okay worst process is now coaching two and a half years since I moved out yeah so this sort of been a 10-year process more or less right so mid 20s to mid 30s your life spit about this girl and then this child and you know I mean so you did the big thing did you did what you were quote supposed to do get married have a kid etc okay and and you're finding that yet it was sort of on a 1 to 10 scale whatever the experience was you smelled that you could probably engineer a better experience than the one that you were having so you ran the cost-benefit and you said you know what this isn't this isn't uh this is the road that this is going to go so fair enough so we're on a new road and and that's fine and now as you say you're sort of trying to find yourself so let's talk about to some extent what is that that means just just sort of for your own entertainment the you wouldn't know this until you taste a cherry whether or not you like cherries you won't know until you taste the peach whether you like peaches and that means that what you have essentially is you have an identity and that identity is the characteristics about what makes you you and that identity is going to have or who it is that you are that essentially is a whole set of conditional relations between you and your environment so you like oceans you don't like desert you like desert you don't like oceans you know I mean you like women that are curvy like women that are thin you like women with big lips or you don't like them with big lips you like them big eyebrows or you like short hair no you like long hair you like them tall you don't like them tall etc okay you like soccer better than you like basketball these are all your identity you like to read nonfiction instead of fiction or you like to read Victor Hugo okay so all of these different things I could never know about you okay but if you told me if you told me and made an exhaustive list it might be fascinating to know about you but ultimately you know I can't use that information for very much unless we're in relationship and I give you a gift for Christmas and I'm trying to give you something that I think that you would really like okay okay so the bottom line is the person that is in by far the best position to try to figure out their own identity is the person themselves and in order to do that that person has to go have experiences and they've got to watch their own reactions and try to essentially run correlation coefficients on situations and try to figure out just how valuable they find those situations so for example I found out pretty early I couldn't care less about going to parties hey the party's was not a place that was going to work for me okay that so that those have been out and so now I'm in my late 50s and nothing about that's going to change I don't like soccer soccer frustrates the hell out of me to watch it because I want to pick up the damn thing and throw it okay it just doesn't make any sense to me to have a game where you don't use your hands or only one guy uses his hands so don't care if they call it the beautiful game I can see elements of basketball you know in there that that are interesting to me I see the movements etc water polo also frustrates me that also look like basketball but I can't believe how slow those guys have to move so this is all some messes with my head okay so your our identity is what color a carpet you want to have in your living room you know do you want to be downtown in an area where there's a lot of little shops and restaurants or you want to be in the suburbs where it's quiet or overlooking a golf course this is your identity and so our job in life is to figure that thing out and the more savvy we are at figuring out that identity the the better chances we have of using our time and energy to put ourselves in circumstances that activate the mood to happiness okay so one of the problems is is that one of the most important things that activates the mids of happiness is going to be esteem signals from other people and so we're and one of the reasons this is a problem is is that some people will only give us the same signals under conditions that are inconsistent with our identity what is that little guy in other words let's suppose that I've got a girlfriend she's a sweet girl I'm a nice guy but she really likes guys that are tough and they could stick up and and don't take any guff and put you know push back two other guys but that's not me okay so I can't win her esteem and I mean there's going to be a problem when we run into a conflict and I don't behave in that way and now she's were disappointed and unhappy oh well find yourself a brute okay because that's not in my identity we're not the right people and so it's going to turn out that a job in this life isn't just to find out whether you like sunsets over the water or over the desert it's also to try to figure out what people are that you can interact with that you can earn their esteem but it's in a way that's consistent with your identity okay so if I was with somebody that just couldn't understand why it is that I wasn't all excited about trading stocks and day trading trying to maximize my return on my investments and you know this portfolio in that portfolio and then it said it's like I couldn't care less mm-hmm I want to I want to spend less than 30 minutes a year thinking about that kind of stuff okay so the but somebody else they obsess about at eight hours a day different organism different prioritize their say so your your job in this life you're 35 you know yourself pretty well very well you're you're on an odyssey now you're adventurous enough to you know stick your toe in a lot of different water to try to figure this out that's good but one of the things that you know one of the lessons here when we sort of talk this way about learning about myself and what I ought to be doing it's I'll tell you what it is take your take your happiness seriously it's like I really need to figure out what makes me happy and to try to close our eyes and focus on that and try to figure out what kinds of circumstances do do I does it really make me happy as opposed to as much as possible divorced or separated from the expectations of other people the problem is is hard to do that completely because sometimes those things are interacting with other people I don't want to go to a movie about horses if some girl I'm with hates movies about horses and then I want to go with her but then she's going to not want to be there now it's a mess okay so what we want to do in general is our relationships with other people we want to consider fuck them in such a way that our interactions or intersection of those two lives is as rich as possible in low conflict that we do things together that we like to do together but we don't do things together that we don't like doing together right all right I will see husbands and wives make this mistake all the time okay one of the biggest mistakes they make is to work together for God's sakes not generally a good idea okay so the I mean I'm not saying it can't work I'm just saying it's a lousy probability that it's going to work right the so anyway so this is so now as we talk about this what sorts of questions or decisions are floating around in your head for your future how it is that you what changes are you contemplating you know obviously beyond this divorce etc I'm so like you know kind of everything goes back into exactly that and I think you said it best about what really makes me happy and I think for a long time I whether or not it was really me and it made me really happy I pursued what I thought was making me happy and in that like right after college I wasn't planning on working and I really didn't but then I had the accident and so I was forced to company ba plans but I still didn't get a job right away because that wouldn't have made me happy so am I you know as pushy as my parents were about their traditional expectations traditional East Asian expectations yeah they were still pretty cool to let me not work kind of give me time to ease into things and figure things out and but you know like it's all it was kind of always in the back of my head even though I was like let's say traveling around or something but you know it's kind of for me now it's like you know all that was in the back of my head so I kind of half-ass in a way did what I really wanted to do which was not have to go into like a the white-collar work force after college but at the same time then I met my ex-wife and then while I was traveling and then I moved back to start making some money and then feel to visit her so we got married and also the decision to get married was kind of like nobody pushed me at all but it was kind of like that's a society pressure that you have to film it yeah and her so I think for me now with a daughter I'm not looking to go be a surf beach bum but you know it's it's alright that that battle of wanting to just kind of be happy and that you know ideally that is a lot of things that are not really practical having a kid especially but in general wise you know you can just depend on what kind of lifestyle you want to lead and and I think that I've gotten comfortable with like a certain socio-economic level so it's hard for me to kick that you know and I didn't have to when I wasn't really working after college and that was you know in a way that's a fault of my parents for allowing that to continue and me living this false reality but you know I think that generally the hardest part for me now is kind of like thinking about the ideal woman slash you know kind of what kind of people I want to be with it's a kind of person I would want to be with and also whether or not I really want a partner like a single partner long-term obviously it's a lot of kind of thought right now entered the dating scene but I haven't I'm kind of kind of like the one-off person that I'm talking to just bringing up I have gone on a couple dates but not like like app dating or anything and I guess that's kind of where I'm struggling with it I'm taking turning that page in terms of dating like I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea of what I want I feel like I think I know what I want but it's very not in line with society especially in the Chicago area very nervous so it's kind of like I still feel that pressure of where I'm at feeling where I'm living of what people are expecting is acceptable versus what Ashburn I want to - talk about this or type of girl yeah yeah let's look at this this is uh the the book I would recommend for you is called how I found freedom in an unfree world and it is our heads one of the most what's that I think I heard all the podcast you recommend yes this is an outstanding book and it's it's right down the lines of of the kind of thinking that that you need to be exposed to in detail authors Harry Brown is just a fabulous character you wrote this in 1973 and it's one of the finest self-help books that that I've it is probably the finest self-help book that I've ever read the and so this is my my attitude in the world is this you've sort of got one job and the one job is an adult animal needs to earn its own living so you need to earn your living and in the case of a father you need to provision your offspring reasonably you do not need to fall on your sword for your offspring you do not need to make sure there's money to send her to Harvard who pen okay you don't need a centered private school nothing needs to be fancy everything needs to be safe and decent okay that's what that's what a kid legitimately should have if you have the chops to provide that okay after that your time in your life is your own who you sleep with who you pursue what you do for a living where you go on vacation and you know what who you hang with boy you talk about not anybody else's business you got exactly one life to live and you've got maybe 10,000 days or so few more or less to live it mm-hmm and you've already lived half of it basically like whoa okay so now the issue is and you don't for all we know you've lived seventy percent of it yeah so the the attitude here is make your life an adventure and seek fun excitement joy sexuality friendship laughter etc yeah and and if you can tell whether or not you're doing a good job whether that you feel good the feeling good and feeling happy and excited about living is an absolute natural characteristic of the organism that spontaneously emerges when we're actually making good use of our assets and circumstances are relatively benign you have very much benign circumstances and so the question is are you doing are you making good use of your time and energy and if it turns out that you're sort of not very happy then it's probably the case that some of the then some of your decisions are pushing you into situations where we're not really in situations that are probably as good as they could be with respect to your identity so there is more happiness chips that could be activated in your head more often then then our you know in other words they sit there it's like a jukebox and the question is can you hit the gym can you hit Kay too and here like a rolling stone that you want to really hear and so your your nervous system is a jukebox and your job is to move around this world and find the people in the situations the will hit the jukebox in a way that the system fires off the internal music that's very pleasant okay that's what we're up to and so if that's if that's happening sort of soso that's fine that means it's not terrible but it also means that we're sniffing that that we are not optimizing those decisions and that's fine that's good that's what we're we're here to do and we're here to learn more about that and we're here to try to sharpen our our acuity when it comes to making those decisions you know at the end of this life you want to have the score card you know show the your runs and your hits and your errors the times that you hit home run from the time you struck out but we don't want to show that we didn't play okay we didn't want to be intimidated by anybody into into not rolling up our shirt sleeves and engaging in the process win or lose whatever the process is at the time so I don't know what what girls you find exciting and what about those girls that you find exciting that somebody else might might wrinkle up their nose but but my attitude is pay pursue where the excitement leads you and just make sure you don't get BD or get people pregnant or get shot and other than that it's all an open season and when it comes to pair bonding and what what you're looking for in a partner my attitude is is that you will discover whether or not somebody is a partner you will not decide there's a difference okay so when people are trying to decide whether or not this is a good person trust me it's not the right person okay you discover whether they are the right person and when you discover it it's obvious and you wouldn't want to want to be hanging with anybody else then there is no decision-making process the right brain takes over a situation that says this is obviously the right place for you to be you are in very pleasant circumstances very often this is a very cool person to hang with you wouldn't really want to be talking and hanging out with anybody else that doesn't mean that we don't have a casual mating chip that wouldn't want to be hitting some chippy on the side but that doesn't mean it doesn't mean we do it and it doesn't mean that we are going to be unhappy if we don't do it it means that we recognize that there are trade-offs and conflicts of interest at times and sometimes we we can't have every impulse we want if we're going to get 80% of the impulses that we do want so yeah the how I found freedom as a world I think is is very apropos to some of the things you're talking about Dan and probably to a lot of people that will listen to this and and I I feel like you know you're I feel like you're sort of getting your eyes a little more open with every year that passes here and you know a twenty five they weren't very they weren't very wide open they were under a lot of other social pressure that were you know twisting you around a lot of expectations we weren't really sure how to live this thing and by thirty five you're just custody enough and open an adventurous enough and your parents aren't so oppressive and you're not intimidated and after you're like you know what I'm not going to quite walk the road that everybody would want but you're still you're still not you're still learning about your own identity and my attitude would be learn away just don't die in the process you know yeah the you know you want to know what this is how this jukebox is built yeah go ahead oh so I mean you know listening to you talk about all that stuff specifically in the idea of relationships kind of helped me to kind of understand that I think a lot of the may be confusion as I talked about earlier Xin general in terms of what I want to do with my life type stuff all still comes back to I'm not fully it kind of goes back to this question is the question that came up was how is it it's hard it's hard to always pursue what I was going to make me happy if it's going to make somebody else I it's so important in my life unhappy ie my parents for example that's whether that's animation ships and that's more evident type of girl I choose for example for my next you know monk in relationship or job wise life decisions yes that's kind of what I've always struggled with and I think that I bowed to a lot of it when I was younger less now but you know they're still pretty especially my mom she could be pretty vocal sometimes you know um you know for a long time I kind of just took the attitude of after this I don't care what they say but you know that wasn't that wasn't a real I was saying saying that more than X doing it in some ways of doing things along that motto the line along that you know line but not completely evidenced by the fact that I've gotten married before I really want to and stuff like that so right that's kind of my that's what I guess that that's what the hardest part about it is being happy being happy with what I really want to do whether it's sometimes the nine is like do I want to get tattoo then my family freaked out you know like versus and but I do want one you know I want you but yes you know I've just never made those decisions and that's the real struggle right right now I understand and so the certainly we are a very curious animal I don't think that there's another animal on earth that in in the prime of its life gives a rat's ass what its parents think okay so this is a bizarre species in number of ways and by the same token I don't know of another species that an aging parent could give a damn about what the adult the adult son or daughter is up to that it both directions this is bizarre and so this this is this is a derivative of an extraordinarily large mind that has a very very long view of the jins to the point where the parents are computing what they believe they're their offsprings made value is and what they should be attaining on the other side of the equation and they're determined to try to get the better end of a deal when it comes to grandchildren I mean that's I have to tell you that's what's going on like you know what my son's six percent better than that female and therefore you shouldn't be marrying her because now the offspring we're going to take a 3% hit and the gene quality and that's a disaster I mean that essentially the algorithms are in there to do that kind of math obviously or they wouldn't be looking over our shoulder from their 60th birthday peering into our life wondering about what we're up to so what you're saying is that your brain just makes every human bigger control freak so that's your face to do it yeah there's no doubt that's exactly what's going on and there is there's an upside to that which is that for one thing they they could be successful in their judgment in other words they're they're longer life enables them to learn some things and also to get political power to push and shove and try to like get us in twos potentially genetically I've been changes circumstances the that's one thing but the problem is is that it's not that simple that parents agendas wind up being really complicated and we don't even know the whole evolution of parental agendas but for example like just to show you how non benign parent parental agendas can be and that is that you can imagine some some 50 year old father with a 25 year old son and he is he is pushing and shoving his son to accomplish certain things driving him you know off the cliff in order to accomplish certain things to optimize his potential in some competitive arena but it looks cool so that the father looks like he sired this thing so therefore the father can get laid by attractive females who want to replicate with him so that their offspring might be as successful as his son yeah okay Mexico yeah don't don't think that that kind of stuff didn't go through Tiger Woods's down I think Tiger Woods dad actually probably didn't push that kid that much is from what I understand that kid was just inherently driven but don't think he didn't get laid because he wasn't Tiger Woods dad I mean that's why I'm sure Matt thought it looks good when I go out in public in case there's a hot roller you think I'm joking on that today I don't I don't think you're joking at all yeah exactly so so this is so the point is is that parental agendas they always feel to the parents like they are completely uninterested personally and just completely essentially quote altruistically motivated to help you make the right decision but the truth of the matter is your genetic success and their genetic success are actually not exactly the same they are fairly parallel but they are not exactly the same and so and of course beyond that there's variation in brains and judgment and you know all these kinds of things ie identities and so your parents in general would rather have you be with quote the right girl that makes them look good in other words they've got independent of how this would tie into the genes in this particular context in history in a broader context in history as the parent of offspring you would want your son to marry the highest potentially status female so they so that they're his siblings and his political connections and his offspring would all benefit from the highest potential status you say so from their perspective they might be thinking and they have different circuits analyzing this problem where you're saying yeah but she's an eight but the other ones a nine okay and so they can see that but they don't quite have your same aesthetic judgment and that from their perspective no you're better off you know marrying the eight you know because the age is cut better connected went to Harvard you know conscientious as hell and therefore this is good solid stuff and it makes your sister look kids look good it makes your brother's kids look good makes us looks good that's who you should be marrying and the answer is yeah but she's not a fox I've got a fox over there on a hell of a lot more interested in the Fox and they're pulling their hair out okay they're really pissed off and why are they pissed off because you're crossing their agenda okay right so that might was so what I'm pointing out here is not that I'm pissed at the parents what I'm saying is is that human mating decisions unlike any other species have multi-generational conflicts of interest within families okay now it is so it is true okay and some families are going to be more egregious about voicing this than others it depends upon how agreeable or disagreeable the parents are if your mom's pushy about this and it's paying the neck you know what I mean this is a thorn in your side and so I would say that as we get better insight into this we have to back up and laugh you know it's like listen I hope you like whoever I'm hanging out with but but you know your identity is your identity and and those mating decisions are really meant to be made essentially independent of their input yes not no one yeah go ahead that a cut that kind of better kind of risks you know in one extreme I don't think that at this point that would happen to me but like for example when I was in high school I got kicked out of my house not because the mating decisions but it was a decision that essentially crossed my parents agenda yeah so like you know to some degree there's like a risk of let's say some form of loneliness officers is Oster's being ostracized and stuff like that yeah so you know that's the hardest part of making that full kind of I guess I'm going to use a word here but it's not fully in context applicable that's such a selfish decision right you know thing on what makes me happy and that's the hardest part for me right as a kind of I guess of empathy and whatnot but yeah right you know what we can i I would say this we can finesse the fact that there are conflicts of interest between us and people close to us and quite frankly a big part of being the jeans is to find ways to have it so that we can do this peacefully but these people got to choke it down okay we have to we have to get we have to honor our identity and and honoring our identity means we're going to minimize their input and our decision-making and and so this is I think we'll we'll close this discussion with me once again giving my very highest recommendation to how I found freedom and free world the whole concept of selfishness is really well addressed there prove it the notion is you ought to be selfish what the hell else are we doing here okay and we can be selfish but very civil you know we can be we can be firm but we can be warm about it we don't need to be you know I can understand why young people get belligerent and why they have real-life breaks with their parents because sometimes the parents just cannot stop themselves the jeans are running their show and they can't stop themselves from trying to interfere in metal and essentially push that kid's identity into some arena that they're so sure is going to be best for quote the son or daughter but in fact what it's best for their personal Jin's done right there there you go okay so forget it I don't know if you want to be a software engineer a doctor or I don't know whether you want to be a concert promoter you know I'm saying who knows I don't know what it is but you should be following your nose of excitement and interest and that doesn't mean that that money is independent of that money is resources and resources are what animals try to get so people like a job on all things being equal we like a job that pays a hundred thousand more than we like a job that pays 80 and so that's part of the equipment that we try to figure this out but but you're going to live a long time and I wouldn't if you've got the options and the brains and the capability to make some sacrifices to invest in a financial future then the idea would be do something that you really did that you like and rather you know that that pays reasonably well and and don't worry about trying to make the last nickel on the table as if that's going to leverage into a lot of happiness because it won't it won't it it will you know it it certainly pays to be scheming to try to figure out how you're going to do what you want to do and make more money at it that's fine but don't be starting out this life we're rigging this life towards trying to figure out how I can turn my IQ points into money you know that's how that's how you get a lot Miz a miserable md's and believe me yeah I met a slew of them okay where was all the happiness that was supposed to come at the end of this and the answer is for a whole hell of a lot of them it's not there okay so yeah do things that you're you find enjoyable and interesting do them well try to rise in the world there and other than that you know have the carpet that you want and be trying to trying to get with the girl that you want to be with and the parents are just going to have to choke it down and we can be nice about it but they got to choke it
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