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Episode 35: Keys to a Successful First Date (for Women)
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today we're going to be talking about the keys to a successful first date from the perspective of a woman and all the things that go with that now last week we had a good show about talking about the key to successful first date as a man and we talking about how the the woman is basically trying to rule the guy out rather than rule the guy in according to her nervous system there's a bunch of challenges right I'm with that so but let's now break down what the how does a woman get through a successful first stage I'll just take it from the top yeah well there'd be a lot of a lot of ways to think about this but from the the woman's agenda is to is actually to do the following thing she's being confronted with what let's let's assume we're going to jump up a couple of assumptions which are sort of major assumptions and that is that there's there's a qualifying mutual qualifying process here that's going on that's very important and that's a lot of what a first date is is that people those your your your psychologies are under pressure as you're trying to sort through sort of superficial when we say superficial I don't mean unimportant but we're trying to sort through the whether or not the person qualifies and whether we qualify on on physical appearance and just just the first take in first pass in terms of sex appeal so that's the that's a big part of the agenda that is the major part of the agenda of first date however if you're if you're female let's suppose that this following is the situation and that is is that that you you appear you appear to qualify to the male in terms of his some sexual some degree of sexual interest so you now what we don't know is we don't know anything about what that means yet but we're going to suppose is you at least qualify at that now second of all you have not ruled the man out in terms of his sex appeal so you may not be particularly interested but you are not completely uninterested so what you have is a situation where the the woman is is still open to the possibility of a relationship but she's actually surprisingly and unbeknownst to her she's actually sort of looking to rule this guy out so that's her unconscious agenda her her conscious agenda is to find mr. right okay so that's what she she thinks she's trying to do and but she has a funny upside-down way of doing it so what's happening is is that done for a woman what is what is mr. right when it comes from a woman's perspective ah what mr. right is or miss right is for the male is someone no further female yeah for the female I'm telling you it works above both the same way Oh qualifying issues for humans qua humans and so it's going to be that there are levels of levels of essentially quality on appearance intelligence and personality that the person has to meet minimum standards and when a person meets minimum standards across all variables but then then it is possible that you could be very interested the the thing is is that people will try to articulate their minimum standards but it turns out that you cannot articulate your minimum standards because your minimum standards are not they are there they're not subject to your introspection in the sense that you you can't tell what they are so the but you can you can experience what they are when they are in a context of a real live human being so you could say if you're a real smart guy you could say well I can't settle for anybody that's under 125 IQ and yet you know some some girls at the 95th percentile for branch you might say that but the truth is is that you might meet somebody that formally is a 115 I do and it may be enough because that person may have a creative a creative side that is entertaining and interesting enough that they that they absolutely qualify so you but but on a more on a more exacting level or precise theoretical level what the person must do is they must qualify across a number of variables and the main three variables are looks brains personality or you know appearance intelligence and personality variables and so that is what those two people are doing those two people are squaring off and trying to cross examine each other as well as look each other over physically in order to see whether or not they meet mutual qualification on those variables except there's a problem and that it is almost always the case that this is what the female is up to so the female is up to qualifying that male across these three variables but the male is not necessarily up to qualifying the three female across these three variables the male has two very different mating agendas which are casual mating in Terrebonne strategy and so as a result of those even though we we did not talk about causal mating strategy on the part of the male last week we assume that what we were talking about at this podcast is a male that's playing pair-bond strategy and and so what would his agenda be and how should he be approaching this process but from the standpoint of the female we cannot dismiss and not talk about causal mating strategy because in large measure what she is going to be facing on the other side of the table is going to be the casual mating strategy so so as a result and she's going to be facing the cow so many strategies even when the male thinks he's playing bare bond strategy so the male will have a very strong unconscious casual mating strategy who will be dominating his behavior even though he may consciously believe that he is actually searching for a pair 1 so so when we talk about females and dating we absolutely must be talking about both of those strategies because she is facing both of those strategies so the female dilemma once again the when it comes to qualifying both males and females have they face the same criteria which is what Sprint's personality and qualifying means that you meet qualifying standards on each of those dimensions and you do not know what those qualifying standards are those are unconscious computations that every individual have you has and they can only discover whether somebody beats meets criteria for those by interacting with them there's no other way to do it you can't do it by staring it at Foot photography you can't do it by talking to him on the phone each of those things would be potentially useful information you could you could rule bunch of people out but there would be a whole bunch of people with photography that you would look at there would be in your trading range for what you might be able to qualify for and you would look at could look at a hundred people and you wouldn't know which of those hundred people would would actually qualify for you until you medal there'd be no way to do that so so as a result we are stuck actually going out meeting real live humans instead of profiles and if you're if you're a woman you are you are facing the dilemma of attempting to see whether or not that man qualifies on those three variables and at the same time trying to figure out what his intentions are so how does the women do that because I know that I'm not a woman but I've met some really slick talking guys out there sure yeah the well the the chief met it did I tell women to play and this is the seems rather seems rather stodgy but it actually I think it's a in principle quite a good method and it has two aspects to it one of the aspects is that you know clothes come off for ten days and the second aspect is that it's not just any ten days the man has to pay so I call this strategy ten paid dates and the reason why I explained to women but this is a good strategy as the following let's let's assume for example that that you're a woman and you meet a guy and you think he qualifies on all three dimensions so you're all excited about it and he seems all excited about you guy so he's telling you that you qualify on all dimensions so everybody thinks they just fell in love and everybody is all excited about it all good no problem except there's one gigantic problem sitting in the wood pot and what's in the wood pile is the male does not know that he may be playing casual Medic strategy and that he's he is designed by nature to be self deceptive he doesn't know what he's up to so the male brain actually can't it it is possible for males to know when sometimes they are definitely playing counseled mating strategy because they know for a damn fact that the female does not qualify prepared on strategy at that point he mailed is selling the female on a sexual relationship where he's pretending like he's into her for the long term is is a cat who's lying to her and just trying to get into her pants okay well the thing is is that we can sort of dismiss that as bad people or whatever but it's not bad people this is like a dynamic it goes back to million years in the history of the species and so males are notoriously interested in sexual activity with it'd be males that they're attracted to and that are but they are not interested enough as people to want to stick around and find out whether or not they've impregnated them so therefore this is a major problem for the female as she's on that date as she's trying to size this guy up and figure out number one does he qualify for long-term mate number two do I qualify for long-term a and number three is he interested in me for long-term itting well alright so we kind of yeah yeah we've got a comment from from the chatroom we are like this guy's a little frustrated goes what the hell are you talking about how about just having a good time on your first date hopefully making a good connection and then having a second date [Laughter] okay well this is the guy that's like speaking English okay and so this is all fine and at all it all sounds to him like this is too complicated and scheming but it is complicated and scheming okay so when your quote is just having a good time on the first date what is a good time well what a good mood is is a mood that shifts to the positive when it feels like you've done something good for your biology and when you've done something good for your biology if you're hanging out with someone in quote having a good time it means that your biology thinks that this was a very good use of your time and energy relative to your alternative propositions or potentials so the only reason you're having a good time is that this person is a conduit to gene reproduction in principle ie sexual activity if you are not sexually attracted to the individual or they are not sexually attracted you you are not having quote just a good time and seeing if there's a connection you're bored out of your mind and you have no interest in the thing you're looking at the watch okay so yeah very interesting I'd like to invite this person who who posted this question we have a chat room on blog talk radio calm and this person provided the questions and logged out I'd love to welcome this to log back in ask some more questions or if you'd like give us a call at six five seven three eight three zero seven five one we promise we'll be nice we're just this is what the show is about is dangerous to question know and to know kinda clarifies it know actually what's going on is the person's just not used to this level of analysis so you're you know it's one thing if you you know if you talk to a fourth grade or science class about an atom and it's another thing if you talk to to a college physics class about an atom there to two entirely different levels of analysis and and that doesn't mean that his analysis level is is stupid it just means that it's it's not deep here we are taking things very deep as to what the real issues are the real deep biological issues and deep psychological issues that are actually going on on that first stable and what's going on is some very sophisticated analysis of what's taking place all the way to the level of counting mutations inside the other individual and comparing that to our own personal assessments of how many mutations that we have so a guy that believes that he's got 250 mutations and that the female is across from has 300 ie he's an eight and she's a five is not having a good time he's feeling like he got catfished I'm mass comm and he's trying to figure out how the hell he's going to get out there without ordering dessert character cried dr. Hudson with that Mike Harrigan yeah all right the the one what the woman is up to is she's trying to ivy well superficially she's trying to figure out if she's enjoying herself she's enjoying herself if it turns out that as she runs her cross-examination and he goes through his displays the IE as he asked she asked him questions he tells her stories etc and she's watching his behavior etc what she's trying to gauge his level of interest she's trying to also look over all of this mutation and not just look she's also asking him questions so she can ask about his history so she's asking him about his interests all these things that she's doing is she's assessing his mind okay which is who he is quote as a person and those things have to do with his intelligence and his personality the the two variables that you cannot see directly and those so that's what she's up to and if it turns out that she can rule him out on either of those dimensions then she is not quote just what's going to have a good connection have a good time she will not be really having a good time she will be looking at her watch and trying to figure out she can get out of this thing as quickly as possible because fundamentally this is a waste of time so this is people are having a good time when they have not ruled each other up okay so ie that's the connection that people talk about when they talk about when they talk about chemistry they have no idea how accurate that they are really talking we are getting all the way down to all kinds of biochemistry that is built both of those people and whether or not those biochemist trees are compatible the so the but from the standpoint of what what could be and should be going on or what it can usefully be going on inside of that woman's head in terms of her or strategies with respect to all this is to if she is excited about it and she's as she's going through the process of superficially qualifying him on all these dimensions she should be thinking about thinking about the following thing which is to don't let her don't let her impulsive stone-age brain that couldn't care less about being super careful about pregnancy don't let that thing get the card in front of the horse and wind up sleeping with somebody you very quickly okay so let's talk about why that is and the the logic around what the females should be careful about in these circumstances yeah if if that man qualifies easily in terms of physical attractiveness from the jump then then it is likely to be the following that the likely case is as follows it is if she is actually attracted and sexually motivated very early in the interactions then it is likely that he is fancier than she is since that is the case it is very likely that she does not qualify in terms of long term mating strategy for him so that being the case it is also quite possible that if she is but he may find her recently attractive and he may also pick up all kinds of weak in the knees cues that are coming from her as she's a little bit giddy and a little bit giggly a little bit motivated and a little bit staring and she can pick up all kinds of cues or excuse me she's suiting all kinds of cues that she is extremely interested now in that case he is very likely given that he is a male of a species on planet Earth he's very likely to be interested in taking advantage of that because it indicates that the barrier to entry so to speak is pretty low it's not going to take a lot of energy in order to get some reproductively relevant behavior happening so as a result she's actually now in a little bit of trouble and she could easily be a situation where she could be making an interesting mistake and the mistake is there's a it's not some terrible horrendous thing long as you don't wind up with pregnancy or STDs etc etc but this is a style of a because I've now given a caricature to it has a wider application and the wider application is actually pretty important for females in their dating arenas so let's suppose that you are not too giddy but we have this situation where the male is fancier than the female she signals her interest he's interested enough and now he would just soon get laid on the first date okay if you have that and the female signalling that she would be very interested and attracted and into it now the I'm not saying that this is a 100% fact that this is a bad strategy for her or that he will see her as less than but he does here is less than going into this I'm just telling you that that is likely statistically to be the case and so as a result if a woman is in that situation it is a good strategy to withhold sexually okay and it is a good strategy on date number 2 to withhold sexually and it is a good strategy on date number 3 to withhold sexually and it's actually a good idea on date for to withhold sexually and let me tell you what the reason yeah report before you tell us why question is but statistically is this there I'm curious to hear if there were some studies that did this and how they figured this out yes the UM there's there's uh there's all kinds of studies that feed into this general logic and the but the difference is in male and female interest from the junk or dramatic so I can't remember who conducted this I believe it was David buss and I'm not sure where it was but I believe it was the University of Texas at Austin but I'm not sure but they had attractive young men approached attractive young women and it's half track of young women to approach attractive young men and and and they will go up to them with exactly the same line that noticed you around town last couple weeks I really think you're attractive would you like to come back to my place in and you have sex with me essentially they I don't know what that's the exact words they used it was pretty close and on and they found that in 100 percent of cases the females always said no okay they found out that in a very high percentage of cases the male said yes I think it was about 76 percent of the cases and in the cases where the male said no they were sending cheese sorry shucks I got a girlfriend you know maybe when she goes out of town maybe we could get together all right so you saw very big differences in other words phenomenal differences in male and female mating strategy sir now so what does this tell us this tells us that that if a female is is interested in from a very early go then it is likely in other words we can see from this from these experiments and many others and not only not only in humans but also throughout the animal kingdom that there's a barrier to entry okay that there's a threshold of interest and there's a core set of computations that the female is doing in order to allow sex to happen and that because sperm is so much cheaper than eggs it turns out that the males are far more eager than the females so if you have a situation where suddenly the female is a lot more eager than the male or it's very equal with the male from the jump and this is telling you something very interesting because the human female in general is designed by nature to be somewhat careful about trying to get resources out of human males they are not designed like other animals in the animal kingdom where there is no male paternal investment in the species okay we are a very high paternal investment species and as a result it should be imperative for the female psychology to have evidence that the male would be interested in investing if it turns out that the female is not making an assessment of that because she's just this guy 45 minutes into a conversation she's really into him she's really excited about him etc now like I said there's no harm done in the modern environment I'm just trying to explain to you intelligent mating strategies that are that there's a there's a there's a logic to what it is that I'm going to be explaining why some woman wants to go out there runs into some hot guy wants to get laid have at it but that's not what we're trying to describe here is a search for a romantic pair bond and that of course is not going to want to wind up in a romantic pair bond the the so instead and so just to clarify yeah go ahead just to clarify you're saying that the reason that is less likely to end up in a romantic pair bond is that emails are only willing to do that basically a one-night stand or like sleep sleep together with a guy very quickly they're only willing to do that with a guy who's significantly fancier than they are and the guy's a spective he is willing to to do that with a whole host of women who are fancier than him and less stances in but he doesn't feel good held to commit his resources to a woman who been casually dating but with less Taylor Diaz did I understand that right right so in other words think about the following it's basically the following strategy the male is willing to mate with what all kinds of females with no investment okay and he is he is willing to invest more in females that he is more and more interested in for because their DNA is fancier so he's willing that the fancier and fancier that woman is the more and more he's willing to invest resources in her obviously okay the less and less fancy of the female is he's willing to invest less and less resources for most males there's a threshold by which they're not interested in the female at all okay the female can become sufficiently unattractive that they won't they're not even interested having sex with them for nothing okay now so let's think let's think of our guys and eight and let's think about some females of seven so she's she's pretty close to him but she's she's not as fancy he knows that he senses that he is a little fancier how well number one he can he's got his own eyes and his own assessment capability but he can also read her behavior and appro behavior is all eager from the jump that is signalling to him but he may be fancier than her okay now so that is actually a cue for him to figure that out because she's basically saying wow I think you're fancier than I am I would be willing to take your DNA without any investment okay so trust me it's going to be exceedingly unlikely for somebody that he thinks is fancier than them to behave that way to attempt if that's true then we've got a blissfully attractive male that doesn't even know that they're tracked the truth is is that all of us know that the that the fight of the human male is can you know how high can you go and in terms of how attractive the female is and the and that in fact the it is difficult to get females that you find to be very attractive relative to what you would be able to normally get to be interested in you and in order to have that happen you have to have signals indicating that you would have a lot of resources to invest in them and that you would be willing to do so that is in fact betrayed that this species and other species do okay this isn't it this is a paternal investment species which is relatively rare in the animal kingdom but we are one of them and so it behooves the female to be able to run this calculus which she does and it behooves the male to understand the calculus that she's running which we do so therefore when females show that they are eager from the jump the male recognizes ah that means you're not as fancy as I am good.i and he will push for causal mating strategy at much he finds her so unattractive that she's disgusting we're going to expect in this case that it's close enough and in fact he finds her sufficiently attractive even if even if she is not qualified for a long-term para bond quality she's not attractive enough for that but she's attractive enough to sleep with and so he's picking up all the eagerness cues and if she coughs it up early let me tell you all it did was that confirmed his own assessment that she didn't qualify now let's suppose so that isn't the crisis here's the crisis mistake I mean obviously that it could easily be a crisis in the stone age because remember the male's design a female let's suppose in principle that our females of seven in the male was an eight and let's suppose she's excited and let's suppose she's moderately interested okay and let's suppose that he definitely have the highest conscientiousness or agreeableness in the world so the truth is he doesn't really care that much if she gets her feelings hurt if he dumps her at two weeks after he's had sex with over fifteen twenty times and he's likely impregnated and then he just hikes out over the next ridge that had happened millions of times in the natural history of this species okay so the female is all giddy and happy on the first day males having a good enough time and the truth is he's going to have a very good time in about two hours and do what it is that his genes want him to do and for the female she's all excited why because he said a lot of good things seemed interested in her etcetera of course he did he's biologically programmed to be able to signal to her interest when he's not interested okay that it's called deception okay so males will play deceptive cues very often and they will consciously and deliberately use those kids the females defect of defense against her own excitement of being essentially used is to withhold if she with holds then what will happen is the male will realize oh my god this is going to be a hassle this is going to require greater investment than I really want to give I am NOT interested in it this female I was just interested if it was going to be easy at which case I'm not calling her back okay if he feels like he got all the way to third base on day one and he thinks he's going to get there a day two then he just as soon ask her out again okay because he doesn't want to start with another one and have to start at first base so therefore on day two if you kick it over on day two he thought well I would kill date one that was pretty good but I'm all excited and you kick it over on day two you just confirmed the male that you are inferior okay and that that's what it is that he was likely after and he very likely might have been being deceptive consciously and deliberately okay now that's sort of one dark side of this whole thing the but here here's the dark side that I'm most interested in describing and getting clear for women's understand it and that is that the male may be not sure what strategy he's playing all the way to date for date five the truth is is that he can see that the female said were said he is interested but he's not sure how interested he is he's getting good feedback from the female which tells him that he is looking like he qualifies for mating and so but she's withholding some so now he's not he's not really not quite sure how to analyze this now one of the problems is he may have actually ruled her out in terms of long term pair-bond and he doesn't know it okay he has unconscious calculus it will tell him you know what this doesn't qualify okay it doesn't not meet minimum standards now the B but he may not know this why because he's designed to be confused he is designed to as wise it looks like he's moving towards what could be casual mating strategy successful which is what it looks like because he keeps getting positive feedback he is designed to have some patience about willingness to continue the routes even though he doesn't even no it's a woods and so now if the female coughs it up on date for date five and let's suppose for example that he did not have to pay because we said well one day maybe we'll just take a walk in the park and one day we'll just go look at the boats okay and I'll make you a salad or I'll make you a sandwich okay this is the female actually excitedly wanting to give the male something in order to show what a good long-term partner that's just going to pull her weight and she's not going to be a resource strength okay so that's little things that females will do that will leak when they feel like their baby getting a little bit too good of a deal okay so as a result of this maybe he doesn't pay so now we feel like we've known each other pretty well and the female feels like she's not being too quick or too fast by getting getting laid on day four day five and so now she thinks that this has been this is all fair and reasonable and the male has given her signals like he's really interested in her as a person which she does like her but she doesn't need para bond strategy but he doesn't know this okay but he also knows he's getting mighty close to cashing in on a causal mating strategy target you can tell okay she's given him all kinds of warm cues it looks like he's he's getting close and so if you kick it over all that happens is the male comes out of the either and he realizes gee well that was pretty good we'll do this for a couple of weeks and then I'm the hell out of here and the female walks away thinking what the hell happened I thought that was mr. white okay and what happened was is that the cues were too warm the barriers came down too early and the guy didn't have to invest enough and you we we then enabled him to discover that you did not qualify okay that's fine that's one way to do it that tends to be more problematic for female psychology because it can actually be fairly turbulent to sleep with people and then get dumped I'm not going to be as hard on a male but for a female were Stone Age brain guys that she might be impregnated or that she could pick up an STD so sex is actually much much more biologically expensive for females so therefore to be it get played into a council mating strategy ya mean I'm not going to say this is psychological definite some horrendous thing but it's more unpleasant it's harder on females than it is on Mills obviously for obvious reasons so I'm explaining you know what we just as soon avoid this we would just as soon avoid that whole process as much as possible and there's a way to do it but it takes some discipline and it takes an understanding of your own biology to know why is it your septa balettan decieved in your life she does it all have to be so gamey and deceptive what about just having a good time and the truth is it is gaming but this is gaming as hell these are organisms that were designed by nature to work it out negotiating each other in order to optimize their own personal gene reproductive strategies their own reproductive success so these genes have been playing these games for a billion years and they're very good at it okay and so one of the things that happens is lotta girls go through a lot of heartbreak behind a lot of casual mating strategy they look like with this pair-bond strategy okay so what we're going to try to do is we're going to try to say look let's set up a very simple rule and we're going to set up a rule that looks like it's culturally draconian in other words it's it's completely reasonable nowadays for females that sleep with a guy on date three or day four and the guy quote sort of expects it it's like hey you know to either chemistry or not what the hell what's the problem alright well let me tell you something that kind of behavior would have been unthinkable in 1955 before birth control so the truth is everybody recognize the tremendous biological expense behind sexual behavior in 1955 no way was that the status quo okay why because people the females were absolutely on average have to worry about playing pair-bond strategy that he needed nails be playing Bev on strategy and then they had to go through this whole clumsy and you know relatively uneducated process of birth control okay well nowadays in principle this shouldn't be a problem well it doesn't have to be a problem in terms of having on one pregnancies but it's still a problem of female psychology because essentially a big price of the price of sexual activity has been taken away but not necessarily the emotional points okay so because a result of the emotional but speaking of the speaking of the emotional pull on you know you know I read somewhere I'm not even really sure where I read it from but it seems to suggest that the female pair-bond response gets dulled the more sexual partner she has and I'm not sure if that's true or not but but what do you think now I wouldn't think that that would be true um women differ dramatically in sort of how open to experience and how how many different partners they are interested in etc and so that's more of a sexual personality issue just that is I'm sure almost entirely genetic so there there's a lot of women that could listen to this and would roll their eyes and say what's the problem man if you just like the guy you sleep with them and those those people exist and they are in fairly decent numbers in terms of you know they're modest percentages of women that are that or have that psychology but they're not the dominant quantity of our species and I don't believe that experience has anything to do with it this is eg sexual psychology czar are you can see different patterns of behavior a woman's life like a woman may be really quite adventurous sexually for a long period of time and then meet one guy that she really likes and then walk down on him and then be very comfortable being monogamous indefinitely so that's not an uncommon pattern for females but the most common powder cooking is to be pretty careful to really want circumstances whether they're bitter believing in the cues that the males are very much into them and that this looks like something is longest term is essentially and the last thing they want to do is to get their hopes up get excited sleep with a guy for a few weeks and they get dumped this is not what females want and and yet this is exactly what they're facing on the other side of the table as a dating process begins between a couple because it is very likely that a casual mating strategy if there is motivation on the man for day two there is very likely that the motivation on day two is going to be casual mating strategy it's very possible and it's very possible that casual medic strategy may be conscious and deliberate and therefore consciously deceptive or it could also be unconsciously deceptive where he's deceiving himself okay so either way the right strategy for for most women is to withhold and withhold past the point of cultural Morris so if the cultural mores are hey it be reasonable to sleep sleep on date three or four etc and certainly by day five oh well they just push it out quite a bit further okay push it out a whole notch and if you push it out one little notch it turns out that a whole lot of guys by date 7 or like forget it if I can't get there by day seven I'm not interested okay well that what happened was there little stone age ranges figured out that they're not going to be able to get there that mueslix behind the Callanetics strategy it's this person is actually wanting an invested process the woman is playing pair-bond strategy and the male is clear now to himself he's come out of the either that he is not playing pair-bond strategy okay when wouldn't eaten yeah go ahead so would you recommend that the female he'll give cute that see sexually interested in and throughout without without giving you know without leaving with them right I like what they say to the mail that says well you know I've been taking off for six days like I just I don't know if you like me or you can join the free dinner you know right sure well yeah I mean this is females aren't really usually interested in wasting their time just for some food okay this is this is not this is not female psychology so I was thinking about really flaking for like not low conscientious person with control if there's our situation and I can imagine there being an interesting conversation between two people about anything yep all the females there to do is to bless the male into getting some free food now that is not that is not a female agenda in in life so the you know the woman is trying to size the man up and she is working against a cultural clock about the male's expectations and she feels a little bit of pressure and a little hassle behind it and she knows that on the other end of that there may very well be counsel mating strategy where he's not that interested after he gets laid okay so my strategy is set yourself a conscious target that is way out past the social morays but it's in a looks draconian but of course it's not and why do I tell you that it's not because it turns out that when males aren't interested in females for pair-bond strategy they are extremely patient okay so that man may have causal mating circuits inside of his head because he may find the female very attractive he's picking up sexual cues that she's interested and maybe he may be looking at her and thinking all kinds of sexual thoughts and some of them in other words he hasn't fully qualified her in terms of a para bond yet but he's got both strategies cooking in his head at the same time and now however it turns out that because he has the para bond strategy is alive and well and he has definitely not ruled her out when she withholds it is not a problem okay his attitude is up well I can't get it there by Cowell medic strategy but that's okay she still seems to be really interested I'm still really interested how about you know I see on Friday okay and so that thing is very much alive and well and that starts morphing this process into what we're going to call honest courtship okay we're the were the strategies now as the people have now betted each other much more completely and the male finds himself not irritated at the money that he's spending on the female at all and he's not capping as good as to win he's going to get laid he's actually thinking very differently okay he's thinking about this person is a long-term partner and therefore what he's going through is an enjoyable long-term investment process which is exactly what's going on in the same way that it feels like if you finally own your own home and you start making improvements to it it feels like a really good thing feels like boy does this feel like an investment and it's enjoyable process that's what dating is to people that are in a pair bond process where they're both on the same page and there's no more counsel mating strategy that's in the way of that process and that's why it suggests 10 pay dates and it sounds what he call it at first blush without understanding the evolutionary logic that is under it it actually sounds very uh I don't know Methodist and very you know prim and proper and if simius and all that sort of thing but it's none of those things it's actually trying to help women avoid one of the pitfalls that it is to be a woman and trying to find a partner and and in no way is this is moralistic about women that go out buying somebody exciting get laid without withholding and and just let the good times roll yeah no problem but that's not the same thing as finding a true love relationship okay and so this is this is the mating strategy starting at square one of what the woman is up against and what what's happening on the other side of the eyeballs crossed the table and how it is to guide the process with good decision-making to your best effect it's a lot easier to tell to suggest the advice of wait 10 pay dates than to tell a woman whenever you feel that weak in the knees feeling it's wrong right right so in other words you can be weak in the knees all you want is just don't give it up ok not if you are not if you're thinking so excitedly about what a great long-term partner this would be and how you could fall in love with this guy okay and if you're just feeling like wow you know this is Fabio and you know I'm only going to be in Vegas for two days and he's looking at me well hell then why your stuff okay but this is a but this is not what we're discussing here we're discussing the incidentally I meant to tell the story in this about why I think that this is also important decision-making for there's a component of this that's that's very useful and that is there can be a moment in the middle of this process we're just going to say hypothetically date five okay and I'm just given numbers here but I may mean nothing this is a this is impressionistic it could be day nine it could be date for who knows if some poor are the process where these two people are getting to know each other and the male is not sure he is feel he has still got both strategies alive in his head that he has he is clearly not convinced that the female is pair-bond person for him but he is absolutely convinced she's casual mating strategy she absolutely meets criteria is very attracted to her now the thing is is that he's got he feels iffy about the para bond issue you know what suppose that it's date for and he or he has shown some of his stuff she's all giddy and excited and so now to he gets laid now let's find out what happens here now this guy had an awful lot more to he would have been willing in a para bond to invest a hell of a lot more and so as a result what he finds is he finds that this female can be had by his equivalent without very much investment okay now that tells him that that is a troubling fact by the way if that's true and the reason is is that in the Stone Age if he goes away on hunting some guy could wander into the tribe and get four dates worth of interaction pretty quickly and get laid without any you know without any kids to it long term investment this is this is not good it means that the female is not defending the eggs that vigorously okay so the male knows intuitively that he is always subject to competition from people fancier than him of course okay if you're an eight if you're a seven guy and you're girls and a and some of the guys attend you go away from behind there's a good chance you know if that ten happens take a shinier girl you could you could get you know you could get cheated on absolutely no question that's just a risk that you have to take there's no way around that it's a good chance that won't happen because that 10 is going to get a nine instead or the tens already with a ten so there's all kinds of reasons why that might not happen but the point is is that's always a risk you're always under the threat of competition from well above you but here's what you don't want you don't want competition at your level for God's sake so if you if you're a male and you can get to that female pretty easily it's like wait a second then my equivalent is going to be able to get to that female pretty easily when I got my back turn that's not such a good situation I don't want that so instead what the female wants to do essentially the female is signaling to the male that he is superior to her and she's weak in the knees okay what the mail really wants is exactly what you want when you get into Harvard you want to feel like God Dan you know I got in almost nobody else could get in I barely got in this is Groucho Marx thing of you know I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that note included me but you want to just barely essentially barely make it you want to feel like you had to fight for it okay so if it came too easy it was it wasn't a good enough deal that's exactly how you feel when you're negotiating for a car so you you know if you offer $10,000 the guy says hey sure you're like dammit I should have offered an eight okay and so this is exactly what's happening in the in the gene genetic gamesmanship so if the female is a little more conservative even that she her intuition might be and withholds a little bit stronger the male starts to realize wait a second this is a pretty safe long-term investment here in other words of course I've got competition from above but I'm having to earn this this is not easy okay there so this is where you pretend you have potentially then will not blow it in a relationship that could have worked and could have been great but you blew it by giving it up too easily okay if a female gives it up too easily this is the old thing of oh you won't respect your mourning well that's right but it's a little more subtle than that in this case it's literally that male could be thinking wait a second unconsciously that was a little too easy therefore this is not on a secure investment and unconsciously he starts running some algorithms to come up with the idea you don't quite qualify not so good and yet you might have qualified had you played it a little bit different ways now I have no evidence there was no empirical evidence for what I'm saying all this is absolutely logical okay it's a logical set of operations and so they all follow from negotiating over cars and negotiating over anything all of those processes okay negotiating salaries same thing so there's no reason for the female not to play this game conservatively play a little bit harder ball that you then your intuition would tell you push that guy a little bit if he's playing para bond strategy all the happens is you kick the cows rheumatic strategy potentially to the curb get rid of it and we see what's left okay I believe that this this you know whether you want to make it ten day days or eight day days or whatever it is the in principle here is to make the the sexual goal a good chunk of effort and energy and money ie energy past the normal target date of the what goes on because the normal target date that goes on in our culture is going to be a compromise between all the short and long term mating situations that go on in humans that's why it becomes the cultural norm okay well guess what we don't want to play to the cultural norm we don't want a 67 percent chance that we're going to get laid and dumped but that's what's going to happen to the cultural norm when they behave that way so why don't we set the bar at a different place in order to make it a 15 percent chance that we're going to get that we're going to get used and dumped that is a better strategy by changing the parameters away from where the culture is set up
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