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Episode 34: Keys to a successful 1st date (for Men)
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good evening dr. Lyle how are you doing today good about yourself all going well doing great doing great and uh I'm looking forward to our topic today it is the kilo successful first date for men now for our listeners don't be worried next week we're actually going to be talking about how to have a successful first date as a woman so this week we're going to focus just on the men's section and just before we begin whenever we're talking about first dates here we're talking about you've already you've already the girl has qualified decided that you qualify for first date and we're going to assume here dr. Lyle that the date is for pair-bond strategy rather than casual mating strategy very good and we see what we can come up with as to what would make a perfect first date or what we can see would make a successful first date right okay so let's just make sure that I understand so when we say that that we've qualified superficially that means two people have met before and this is not a this is not sort of a blind first date off of match.com or something you know that's a that's a good distinction I think yet nowadays I mean most of the women that I've dated recently have been from an online platform whether it's tinder OkCupid match whatever it is but I also have a few people that I've met in person I personally actually it's not that I don't want to offend anybody that might be listening tetons has heard the show sure that I've dated before but but I've always had a different connection with girls that I've met I guess live and the reason I always thought this way was because if I meet a girl somewhere let's say I'm at like a you know like a lecture or something like that and I and I I'm interested in something and I meet a girl I already know so much about her before even talking to her I know how she looks I know how she dresses I can see if she's got friends with her I can tell her character is she the kind of girl that sits in the front is she kind of girl it sits in the back and chews gum and talk loud and and doesn't really pay attention I mean everything I know about this girl I couldn't have known I couldn't have known without actually seeing her and when I can come up and talk to her she already knows a lot about me whereas online everything that I learn about somebody is pre-planned right yeah so what are your thoughts on that well the thing is is that there's there's an elephant in the living room and the elephant in the living room is if you people have never met the physical qualifying is an enormous ly tricky business and it's very good chance that somebody will not qualify but but nobody is going to give that away in other words their most most people are well-mannered enough that they're not going to signal that the other person didn't qualify the so there's a there's a great deal of qualification essentially mystery that is going on on on a first date where the people have never met before when the people have met before then they've essentially already been through that they've already they've already pre-qualified each other as as potentially or likely meeting minimal physical standards and so this is really a different we're at a different level now as we are going into the final two qualification problems which are intelligence and personality so yeah those are two different things whether we've met people before or not mm-hmm yeah and it seems to it seems to be a completely different scenario when when people have talked on the phone like I'll give you an example a couple of weeks ago I you know match with a girl on online dating platform and how I like to do it is I typically like to talk to them on the phone a little bit and I can tell right away if there's compatibility just just brooke from a conversation and sometimes it just fizzles out and there's no really any hard feelings because I think both people can tell right away that there's some compatibility so what you're saying that that talking on the phone even before you meet each other physically it can be a pretty good qualifying event as well oh it could be absolutely I uh I think that I have a you know as we sort of move right into this I have a little bit different strategy as a male and that is that you have to understand that females are don't even know this but whether what they're trying to do is they're trying to rule you out they're not trying to rule you in and so they think they're trying to rule you in but they're not trying to rule you and they're trying to rule you out particularly if they're hooked up with the in the online world so this is particularly true and in the animal mind world and the reason why is the online world people are meeting potential partners so much faster than they would in real life in actually not real life in normal normal course of events so a person a reasonably attractive woman online could be getting numerous emails a day and she could be getting numerous emails from people that she finds somewhat interesting and so the potential for her to meet people is huge and she knows that this is true and so as a result she's actually the cost benefit for her of actually meeting any specific individual is pretty lousy so the she's not it's likely to be a waste of time because she's probably her estimating systems are basically telling her that that she can probably do better than whatever is in front of her and so she's got what we're going to call a resume problem and the resume problem is is that if you're trying to hire for for an important position and you get a hundred resumes it's very hard to take the third resume no matter how good the person is and that's because your brain tells you wait a second what are the odds that there isn't a better resume in this stack and and that's what's going on a lot with online dating so from the standpoint of a male looking at this problem I'm actually not trying to rule the females out on the phone I'm trying to get in front of them they're going to be a bit problematic to get in front of them a lot of times the ones that are at the upper reaches of your your mate value which are the only ones that you're really interested in terms of pair-bond strategy are going to be relatively difficult for a male to get to so I wouldn't fall into the trap of trying to save your own time and energy by trying to rule them out first I would say in general get in front of them and the reason is even though I would agree with you that the phone is useful and the phone is a way for you to tell quite a bit about them the problem is is that it's a narrow snapshot of what a person is like and and oh you you could you are looking at some degree of distortion when you just hear a voice and so I am particularly a voice under under those kind of difficult circumstances so it's likely that you will fall into the following situation females are designed to be very protective of their sexuality and their time and energy around around this process and remember she's looking at a whole bunch of competitors and she's decided that she was just interested up in you to really seriously consider meeting you but we just in talk on the phone for example first in other words she wants one more shot to rule you out before she goes to the trouble of meeting him now she doesn't know this but she's actually trying to rule you out she doesn't really know this consciously she thinks she's just being having an open mind and making sure it's not a disaster but the truth is she's actually trying to find reasons to rule you out and the problem is is that in a conversation where she's actually trying to rule you out she may very quickly rule you out and when she does that then she sends signals to you but she's ruling you out which irritate you okay and then as a male you haven't come close to ruling her out yet you've actually ruled her in for casual mating strategy or you wouldn't have written to her in the first place and so as a result you're pretty interested and you are hoping to meet her and you're hoping everything just clicks and it's all going to be wonderful but the truth is when that conversation starts that conversation can turn unpleasant or mildly unpleasant pretty quickly on the basis of the female ruling out agenda and when that happens the male can quickly turn and he doesn't even know why it happened but he's a little irritable she's a little irritable and it's all I guess we don't have that much in common see you later and that could easily have been a mistake the truth of the matter is that had that female met the male it's very possible that meeting him in with five senses instead of one would have changed her her thinking and it would have been more difficult to rule that guy out and in fact your agenda on day one is a male who when you are dating somebody who is in principle of the upper reaches of your ability to land them ie a pair about strategy female the your agenda is to just get day to your agenda isn't anything else and so of course you're trying to learn about her and we'll talk about that as we go today because that's an important part of how it is that you're going to get day to the but your your number-one agenda is to not get ruled out that's the point and so so I would be I would be reticent to use the telephone and in fact in general I would avoid it telephone is fine after you know the person that's perfectly great tool obviously but before you meet the person I think unless you're going to drive quite a ways and you're trying to decide whether or not it's worth driving 70 miles to meet somebody if it's not that big of a drive and you've got a fish biting on the line I would avoid and try to just close for a meet I think that's a much better strategy now the number one fear of women on on my dating is that they connect with somebody who's a serial killer I don't know if it's true I had read this in a couple of different articles I didn't actually go fish fishing I didn't go fish out the study but but I've heard about girls tell me that before as well so you so how do we go from the messages online to the meet up without a girl thinking that this is just too much and that she's nervous well depends it's like it depends if if she wants to talk on the phone great then we have to have a whole new strategy for how it is that we're going to talk on the phone and when you're going to talk on the phone then you need to again be planning to not get ruled out that is the job on the phone the job is not to get ruled in the female thinks that she's trying to rule you in but she's not she's trying to rule you out she actually wants to get rid of you she wants to get rid of you so she can go back to a resume stack and look for something that doesn't have any reservations in it she's contacted you or she's been willing to contact you but it's with reservations okay so you know it seems like you're you know eight eight out of ten on her on her highest values chart or seven out of ten so pretty good pretty interested not falling all over herself she has fallen all over herself in her life before and then weakened the knees behind people that that blew her out of the water and some of those people flirted with her and may have even taken a role with her behind cow so mating strategy agendas and she was in love and she knows what that feels like if she wants to have that again and for some reason he just had commitment problems and couldn't commit so so the point is is that she's looking to watch that lightning strike CD hat laughing again because it happened it's happened before it's not in all probability so as a result she doesn't know this but that's never going to happen in a pair of on strategy situation for her or two exceedingly unlikely that that's going to happen but she doesn't know this because she's naive about her own psychology so as a result she is not that crazy about meeting you she's interested but she is not weak in the knees and she is uh and so she's actually trying to get back to a resume sack get rid of the cognitive dissonance that you're causing because you're pretty interesting but she's got a feeling that if she goes through 50 more resumes she's going to find something better okay so as a result she if she wants to talk on the phone she may she may think that she wants to talk on the phone in order to reduce her anxiety about meeting a serial killer the out depends upon who you are and what your circumstances are but you can my strategy over the last 15 18 years of this has been to tell them Who I am no problem uh if I let people know who I am literally first and last name these these people can look you up on the internet they can see that you're also fearless about giving them your name and they could see where you live and and the point is it all starts to make sense and you are not hiding from the law you're not hiding from a wife if you you know if you were to they can for example for a dollar if they're that anxious they can scan you on people finder or whatever and find out if you're married what your address is and how old you are and everything else under the Sun and so I'd be a little too anxious one too but that so that might be a little too anxious for me but mmm for you to do this but over a meter no no no that that might demonstrate to me that the woman is too anxious if she has to go through all that right well actually she might quietly do that she probably won't but let's let's for example let's suppose that and I mean uh back yeah check yeah I mean about the people finder background check the googling the name that happens plenty yeah right you know what depends upon the female like for example I worked in criminal justice for many years and there's a lot of women working in criminal justice and as a result believe me the women in criminal justice are very interested in checking backgrounds and so they so if you give them access to that let them frisk you freely then they're more comfortable okay so the anyway my point is is if you're willing to give them your name you are you are showing a and openness and a ne complete and utter lack of guile in in this situation that that is is essentially saying I have nothing to hide and etc so this is that would be one way I'd rather do that then talk on the phone the so these are I would prefer to avoid the telephone and I've avoided the telephone probably 95% of all online dates that I've gone on the for the very reason that I'm describing to you because the phone is just one more method for them to figure out how to rule you out before they've ever met you so keep that in mind as a is just a strategy you know concept and this is a crunchy you know yeah I said this is the I make a lot of sense yes the yeah the the it is important to know that this is that the female is really facing an enormous resume problem and it's really got her head in a not that she she absolutely wants to be swept off her feet behind what I I refer to is weak knees Delta and the Delta in mathematics or the difference the difference between her Jean quality and the man's Jean quality if if there is a sufficient difference between the two where she is looking up up the genetic ladder at him then she feels weak in the knees now I've turned that weak knees Delta and every woman just about has experienced weakness Delta and and so they and they and some of them have experienced it within the context of a quote relationship of some kind that lasted for some length probably short and they are thinking that that is what true love is and that's what they're looking for and by god they don't want to settle for anything less and so so we are fighting if you are a pair bond strategy male you you are fighting weak knees Delta and and the females agenda there and you are fighting the resume problem that she's got in front of her and and so our our agenda is to not get ruled out not get ruled out getting to the first date not getting ruled out at the first date not getting ruled out at the second date if you can get to date three then you're safe okay you you will now you will now have gotten a full hearing and and you will get to be able to really learn about who this person is what they're like what they how much you like them etc the but it's going to take about that much time for you to get a fair shake at least three okay that's uh it's going to turn out that the research done many years ago Robert science Bennett the University of Michigan did did studies that that became famous in the field of psychology and led to him receiving psychologist Hyatts honor which is for distinguished scientific contribution to the field they only give it to like a couple people a year and science one his his famous award for work and what he calls we call the repeat exposure effect and so he probably a probably gave it to him for a bunch of other things too is a very prolific researcher but the repeat exposure effect was probably the most famous work that science ever did and what it was is it shows that that as people get exposed to stimuli they like the stimuli and so the repeat exposure increases the liking now obviously that's not going to happen for everything so you got some jerk boss the more you know the boss the less you like them that of course that's possible but in general it's going to be true that the more you are exposed to stimuli the better you like to stimuli the the reasons for this is are numerous but but deep biological reasons are that they're more safe because if you you have not had some traumatic weird reaction to the situation when you were first exposed to it then then and then you have a second exposure that was safe and then a third exposure that was safe you are now determining that this is safe stimuli and so obviously women have put potentially much greater danger in meeting novel men than men to have a meeting novel women so this is going to be much to the this is going to be I'm describing much more female psychology from the standpoint than male psychology so male psychology males will not typically increase their physical attraction of females over time but they will increase they can increase their liking to the person over time certainly that's a normal phenomenon along really friendship lines not so much romance lines but friendship lines definitely the whereas the the female is absolutely likely to find the male more appealing over time and very often a male that did not qualify on date one will qualify on date six okay the have because effectively this is this is actually the deep biological reasons why this is true the be because the male is a source of protection provision for females in this species about for Reproductive purposes and and the opposite is not true the female is not a source of production and provision for the male as a result of this the the females mate value is much more exposed just by vision the male's mate value is not as much exposed by vision so therefore it's simply a proportion of variance that's involved here about what proportion of the individuals made value is exposed by visual inspection and the answers of the female is a great deal of it is exposed by visual inspection not all of it a lot of it okay whereas for the male a lot of it is also exposed by visual expression but not as much okay so as a result the the male needs to be under further inspection by the female the female has to at a Stone Age primal level she is already signalling to the male that she's interested or she would not have met up with him so she's already essentially signaled sexual interest is in a matter of sorts that's the reason she's there she's already admitted that she is sexually free of other relationships and that she is seeking a sexual relationship that is what she's doing by going out on a date and agreeing to it okay now now she needs the male she has to worry immediately that the signals that she has sent has indicated to the male that he qualifies and now she's going to be fending off a sexual advance okay so as a result of this of course her defenses are up of course she's concerned about it of course she wants to get rid of the problem before it ever starts which is why she'd like to rule you out unless you can unless you can talk like Cyrano de Bergerac you know on the phone she may not be interested okay and if she finds a way to rule it out and wait for that electric moment where she gets a weak knees Delta email from somebody who just looks like she can't you know make an offer she can't refuse so our job along this pathway as a male is to not get ruled out which means we are respectful we are gentlemanly and we are we are pleasant and we are not pushy and so if there's a phone conversation I would keep the phone conversations very perfunctory and I would this is what I call the octopus strategy we do not then know that much about us we may let them know our name and let them know what we do for a living but we're not going to tell them that we like to have tea at four o'clock and that we have a cat that we'd like and that you know we like to snowmobile those anything that you say like that she's going to think oh I hate the snow snow long no this is not going to work done okay this enables her to not have to deal with this this problem and she gets back to a resume stack okay so do not want her to be able to do that so we completely cloud the water up so we we do not actually tell her hardly anything about ourselves except to we are kind of what we do and we ask her some questions about herself and then within a few minutes you know 12 minutes 15 no more on the phone than that we've actually if I if you're smart about this you essentially quasi script us so that you are very quickly going down asking her questions and following up commentary pleasantly on things that are already in her online profile okay so she's already told into the world and we we say oh and ah oh that's really cool that's really cool and we don't think too much about ourselves and then we say then we say oh gee you just sound like just this wonderful person yeah I really hope we can meet you know how about such and such so we we close pretty early so we don't we put that female dissonance into a place where there's really no reason to rule us out and there's really no it would be essentially unfriendly to you know to this a reject us at that point and we close for it then now we're on safe ground now they can still kill it off the last second if weak knees Delta email comes in but probably they probably won't you know you don't set dates for a long time in advance trust me weak knees Delta emails going to come in she's going to see somebody to good camp refused so we're closing these things pretty quickly no more than you know a week week and a half in advance and so what do we do knew what what are you do in the middle of it you set the date now there's seven days or five days ten days between you just not message them do you not call them do you have it definitely no I would probably I mean if there's been a phone thing and and I would I would say oh would be okay if i text you kind of where I'm thinking we should go okay and we do that on the phone they say oh sure okay because they've already given you the phone number and so now what we do is we three days from then we text we say hey you know this is where we're going and that devalues the reservation and we're all set really look forward to seeing you be great to see you okay now now they got a problem okay so now we're only three or four days away from the date and it's going to be a little harder for them to squiggle out and you've made a reservation and clearly etc trust me and the time you hung up the phone to the time that emails since they've been scheming about how to get out of it yeah but you have to understand that these are energy conservation egg guarding machines that's what a female is she's designed by nature to guard the eggs she has to the males are serial killer serial killer is really not what they're worried about they're really worried about being raped today they're worried about they're fundamentally worried they're really mostly worried about just this hassle of putting up with some potential stalking that case that meets them and is all Gaga about them and then well you know they're going to be turned into a big hassle ie a big egg guarding Fiasco and so the and behind that ultimately is rape in in whatever form it is that you would want to call it the so so in essentially sexual pushiness just the whole whole forcible process that could go on there and any number was any any male is is a potential threat to a female to push her into a situation where she's having unwanted sexual activity okay and that that female knows that she is signal interest in this male and therefore she's a little bit vulnerable and a little it culpable okay so she's trying to get out of it and we don't want a letter out of it we want to meet her we want to find out whether she's ten percent fancier then than we are and that we're happy about it and excited about it and we want to show her the rest of us which is the part that she needs time to assess and we want the repeat exposure effect ultimately working for us so that we can qualify that's the whole idea fantastic okay so now we move on we have secured the date we may or may not have had a phone conversation we may we will have messaged her or texted her location and a couple of days and so now we get to the to the first date and I've heard you mentioned before that dinner is usually a good first date or lunch or some sort of meal where you're we talked about this maybe a few episodes down how much you spend on the first date so listening on that if you're if you get about about that but let's say you're at the venue now how do we how do we make sure that as men we have a successful first date yeah obviously the first thing that just to reiterate from the previous episode we don't try to cheap it out absolutely not you do not cheap it out this is a there's there's no reason to play the game that way you're the total dollars that you will save in this lifetime by chiselling females on on dates what will add up to nothing compared to how important it is try to land the right one so we don't we don't try to chisel these people we go to it we go to a nice place and we're not talking about you know Michelin rated restaurants not unless not less we're a Michelin rated human that makes a couple hundred thousand dollars a year or more and we're trying to signal that to a female who's pretty fancy okay so if that's true maybe you'll wind up at a michelin-rated restaurant but in general where we're trying to go is nice pleasant good okay that's what we want to do and then what we're going to want to do is we're going to to the nature of the condom station is we're going to be yes go ahead let me let me just interrupt their apologies here basically what you're saying is you know feeling cheap about a girl where you what men should really do is find a girl that they feel pelled to spend to not be cheap with yeah it means that in the online world because you haven't met the person before you're going to get burned plenty okay you're you're going to need a lot of people that have over advertised and it turns out that they don't qualify for you if you're if you're a male they don't qualify for you and and you are stuck now at a nice place spending some money on a nice dinner you got to look at this as practice okay this is a the great the great sales salesperson Tom Hopkins you wrote a book how to master the artist sillim he he had a phrase to help to help sales people maintain their essentially their composure and their attitude when they were experiencing a lot of failure and he says I never see failure as failure I see it as an opportunity to practice my techniques and perfect my performance and that is how a guy out of feel when he is with a female who does not qualify decent gal obviously she had characteristics that look pretty solid to him or he wouldn't been interested he's in front of her now he did a nice place you're going to spend the money anyway you might as well use it as an opportunity to protect perfect your techniques and perfect your performance practice your techniques perfecto performance and essentially do a good job at at managing a conversation with someone new and some people are very good at this most people are not very good at it and and there's so there's reasons why it is that we should use this these situations as practice but from this point yeah we do not want to cheap it out we have the person now socially cornered for an hour and a half or an hour to an hour to ask how our job is to to get good at this process because one day we're going to need it okay one day you're going to meet somebody that you're very interested in that is iffy about you because it's date number one and you don't really qualify as she you don't qualify yet and you are going to need those conversational skills and social skills in order to get date two and then you are you know then you got a shot and that's what we're after mm-hmm okay so we've qualified we're at the date we're not going to cheap it out what are some you know next steps let's look back on with where you were saying females but the female get qualified correct yeah before I interrupted you no yes so the female has qualified so we're pretty damn excited okay if the female qualifies the male is now you know is his insides are lighting up because she wants to win and so at this point what we what we need to do is quite a few things number one the it is a human nature that when you to only be excited if you feel over rewarded and you're the whole point is to you're trying to find a situation where you do feel over awarded so if you do get a situation where you're feeling over warded you are pretty excited however it's also true that the people on the other side of this are designed by nature to be reading these kids and if you seem too excited then they feel like wait a second I must be too good for you okay so we don't want to be falling all over ourselves even if you're in a lucky enough to be in the situation where you are falling all over yourself so what we want to do is we want to be very cool and have a script and the script that we're going to have is going to be that we are going to be looking to ask that woman questions about herself in her life because we want to draw her out and the reason we want to draw her out is did she actually wants very much to be valued for her insides and that's something that that all a lot of men won't spend the time to do there they're selling too hard they're too anxious they're trying to essentially beat down her egg defenses and get to the eggs by salesmanship by selling by selling what it is that they have to offer instead of essentially turning the table slightly and acting like the buyer and we do that by asking questions and signaling interest in what it is that they have to say and that is the that is the chief technique that we are going to employ in order to get to date to what are what are some of your favorite may be top three questions that you that you think are valuable to ask hmm you know I don't even think of it that way let me tell you what the maybe it's okay not only wanted to know my competitors either yeah no I actually have to just tell you that I'm a clinical psychologist so as a clinical psychologist for three decades what I do is I ask people questions and so when a person comes into a room matter who they are when they sit down they're anxious they're a little anxious about talking to the psychologist and so my job is to to put them at ease and and it's pretty easy for me to do that so the questions some sometimes I might have to if I could see that they're so anxious that they're that they're actually going to have trouble talking and saying anything that I might say a few things myself okay so I might I might uh wander off and tell tell a little bit about myself and then I'm going to work my way back and ask them questions so by obviously you aren't starting from scratch you know something about the person in people's profiles online they will tell you quite a bit and so you should you should go into that date having a pretty good map in your head about who this person is and anything that you don't know that you are a little confused about you should have those as questions that you're going to be asking them so that you that you know what's going on I mean really so that you you know where you're going okay and and you're there's there's a few things that are that are worth knowing and and that is that remember that prosecutors are not allowed to make statements all they do is ask questions and prosecutors are trained to ask questions to keep control of this process and so it's the person that is asking the questions that is in control and so if you if you have if you know that that's where you need to turn to and then there there are of course if you wanted to do this you could you could make a taxonomy of all the kinds of questions you could ask people but the things that people are interested is they're interested in their careers they're interested in how it is that they came to be where they are where they went to school what they studied you know their family you know what they like to do on weekends what music do they like do they do they like to do things outdoors you know where have they traveled what have they seen what are some of the places that they've never been okay if they bail if they only had to had to choose you know there's seven favorite meals or so there's seven meals they went to bed one week and they could eat anything what would they be seven of their favorite meals that they would eat okay so we could go on and on about questions that we could ask people the but but these are making me hungry no these are yeah there you go okay now another very useful thing to know is that it would be good to have to be thinking about stories that that you could tell that they are going to ask you similar questions and so if you want to be very effective at this if you want to be particularly effective if you are a little bit shy or you don't have a lot of naturally great social skill then you can get very good very fast with some planning and a little bit of effort so what you would do is you would realize that women are going to ask you same stereotypic 20-25 questions that are the basis of most human conversation and so in those questions and in your explanations of your life history you can embed a couple of stories that are entertaining and self-effacing okay so self effacing humor is a very very enduring characteristic of humans it it essentially tells the person on the other side that you are not desperate for status and that you are not essentially trying to defend you are willing to show oil's Achilles heels etc and if you if you tell a couple stories like this they can be they can relax the person on the other side of the table because they can see that they're with somebody that is not like desperately defending every bit of status and playing the game extremely carefully so that that's something you can think about you can think about this life think about any anytime I have anything really embarrassing happen to me I file it away in my memory as something that I might tell either in front of an audience someday or in front of a woman on a date because if that way I made something out of that situation and in history in retrospect it's always very entertaining it made up irritating at the time but it's entertaining later two years later or a year later or 10 years later yeah I remember listening to one of your one of your talks that I that I watched on your website is Team Dynamics org and you mentioned how your father real there was a guy Jeff Novick did he listen to his lecture and and he said Doug your lecture was good but Jeff Novick it was really great yeah Ashley said Doug you're okay but Jeff Novick is really good yeah and that that's a true story and I said so if I'm talking about how if I'm talking about my family and that and you know one of the things I do for a living and if I do if I would say yes I'm a speaker I said not that this is Val that impressive at least not to my family and that I could tell that story and so just just like that we we are this is a prince of all thumbs like we are explaining something positive about us but at the same time we're showing that we're a little clumsy despite you know in even in context of our of any achievement okay so this notion of self effacing humor very powerful very useful strategy it's very very interesting because a couple of podcasts ago we did the psychology of humor and know on that same topic of me watching some of the videos that you did no matter how many times I watched those videos and I hear that joke it always makes me laugh and it just just shows me how this is kind of ingrained in our nervous system right I mean though I know the money like what I like to see me lose status I like tickles your nervous system particularly right now that's uh it's very true and it's a math that's how comedian knows and learns that a joke is really good because when when time after time people still laugh at it you know and across people and even multiple times they know they really hit a circuit really well and the circuits are you know it's a thing of beauty when you do that and it's a thing of endearment when you do it and you are and you are the one losing the foe status that is one of the most effective things you will see in in Survey is on what females find attractive and men once away from once away from the physical characteristics when we're talking about psychological characteristics one of the most important things that they mentioned is a sense of humor okay and in that sense of humor some women that are a little more disagreeable and tough would like would like it if we're making fun of other people and sort of a biting sense of humor but if that's and if that's you and then that's your chick then have at it most women are not that tough most women are are in that situation they are slightly and secure themselves to some degree and the situation is a little is a little anxiety provoking and they're not sure where any this is going but if we tell a story in context that is self effacing big time relaxation okay now they can relax and they and and that kind of humor signals one of the most important characteristics that women are seeking they think they're seeking sense of humor which is partially true but they are also seeking kindness okay they are seeking kindness they are seeking emotional stability those are very important characteristics they can read right through a self effacing story and what this tells them is that this is not a narcissistic edgy human that that is going to argue and want their away and always have to be right and everything else into the Sun okay self facing him or moment really tells that female in in genetic code tells her this is a person that is pleasant and can be you know that the conflicts of interests do not have to be catastrophic they can lose status and it doesn't all the wheels don't come off this is you know this is a very important characteristic that women are seeking in long-term relationships very cool you know that I was I was giving a talk recently at a group and I was after a couple weeks after the psychology of humor podcast it was just so interesting because because I had never tried this before but I was up there talking about about my topic and I threw in two self-effacing jokes just about melee on status in a situation and yeah I've never gotten such a good audience response before ah it was fantastic so there you go great there you go yeah oh yeah y'all yeah well then I'm so happy I'm so happy because now in other words you learned this concept you did it and yet works beautifully and now you know once you've had that happen to you that's like a drug you realize though that that's an important key to human nature is to be able to to just stoke that it's a wonderful signal the I learned this I would say yeah as a young man a long time ago I know it's hard for you to believe Nate but I used to be a young man there there it is again yeah there he says but the young man I was at UC San Diego and as an undergraduate and intelligently I had quit physics because I took one look at physics and realized not only is it hard there's no women in physics and if there are women in physics they look a lot like the men you can't tell the difference so anyway what a beautiful time to leave so I went to the psychology department which was way higher proportion of females and so what I've course was trying to signal the females being nerdy sort was that I was trying to signal my my great intelligence of course and so my very first upper division class was the social psychology class ironically enough taught by a young professor out of Harvard by the name of James kulick Killick was in a really fine young prof. and but he was a nice guy and so I would I would have liked fighting criticism really intelligent questions and hard questions and yeah it's just showing off for all I was worth and and one day and it is about three or four weeks in and one day came into the midterm and he this young professor it was very it was his very first teaching it was his first quarter teaching as a professor he had just graduated a few months before out of Harvard and so he's up there and he says okay well here's a question that would be on the midterm and he starts to read it and you can I could tell immediately that it was pretty hard question and I knew the answer to it but I also knew that I didn't think the rest of the class most of them would know the answer to it and I could immediately sense an anxiety and rumbling in the class and at that moment I took a chance and I said for extra credit okay and the entire place cracked up it was just this moment I just hit it I knew I took a chance and everybody busted up and that was the moment that I found my drug that was it I realized that is going to be the key and from that point on I became the class clown not not in a ridiculous way but I was always mouthing off whatever something occurred to me that was funny and and I believe me this I have not had many victories but a very attractive girl in that class made it clear she was interested and which flabbergasted me animal channel or audience clearly I had no idea what I was going to do about it and managed to do nothing so I was to two edges a deer in the headlights about it but but the point is is that I learned there there is an angle there is something or there is a lever that helps our ability to compete with other males is the sense of humor and that could be a very important reason why we even have such a thing mate it may have evolved very elegantly to to help males compete for mates now what do you say about the the type of female or the the personality characteristics of a female who when you do self-effacing humour in front of her she goes oh no no like take credit don't don't don't knock yourself down well then the self-effacing humour was a little too ham-handed and it wasn't if it didn't come quite from a position of strength enough so wasn't done quite right the now I have to tell you I have had our listeners will not have known my history so they don't know that in the vegetarian world I'm a well known speaker and that my my schtick is my poor artistic skills and so this is the whole stick that goes on that's been going on for 20 years and and of course people love the stick but one of the things that will happen on occasion is about four or five times a year somebody will come up to me and say no you know you should really you should really work on your art don't let your dad to switch you take it seriously I did just for our listeners my art is meant by design I have zero skill is it very clear than my artistic skills with the level of the low grade four-year-old and this this actually is the art that I use in all my slides and it is meant to be entertaining as a constant recurrent motif in order to delight an audience that this guy may think he knows something about psychology but he clearly is an idiot in the art world and that is a very pleasant experience for audiences to have by the way and and sure enough once in a while some some sweet dingbat thinks that you know doesn't understand staff but this is a joke and so I'm sure so it tells me that you know the human ability to misunderstand is knows almost no bounds but done done reason well you shouldn't be missing okay if I remember so yeah go ahead good good go ahead now over the question if somebody has miss it then then you just you know just real roll your eyeballs and realize that this girl's not smart enough for you don't worry about it yeah I remember the the first time I heard you lecture and you had your bit about you know your father you know didn't give you the proper encouragement and I thought God what is this guy what is it with psychologists they're always talking about their personal problems right right in the second I heard it but uh no this is this is a joke right there you go yeah no worries so anyway the story is just to sort of encapsulate our story is from the male's perspective is that whether you know it or not you're not being treated like a prospect you're being treated as a suspect and they are suspecting that you're a waste of time and that they're suspecting that they're really not going to be that interested they've been disappointed a whole bunch of times and they've had to defend their eggs against casual mating strategy and that's not what they want and so they're hoping that you're telling the truth and they're hoping that somehow there might be some spark etc etc but they don't think so and so as a result you're you're fighting some battles here that really they're trying to defend the eggs and not even meet you so our job is to essentially take this thing one inch at a time and we take it by being gentlemanly respectfully essentially signal all the way that we are a stable responsible pair bond material the not a doormat pleasant you know if they if they pull back we don't get upset to let it go doesn't matter how you know essentially oh I was going to say also at that first meeting if you are excited that's all the more reason we stick to the script we asked some questions about themselves and we go through the process we do our self effacing hammer we don't fall all over ourselves trying to sell because if you do that they're going to read it they're designed by nature to read it so we and they're designed by nature run from somebody that acts like they're being too heavily over rewarded at a forcemeat so our job is to maintain your cool maintain your poise you know follow follow this conservative responsible Pleasant strategy and where we were signaling to them that they need to tell us their inner beauty and that we're interested because until they tell us that inner beauty we're not sold okay that is the subtext when we are asking them questions about themselves the subtext is I'm interested but I'm not blown away I'm not thinking about marrying you just because I find you so attractive no I'd like to learn more about you tell me more and that's a that's a profound signal of strength that a male would like to show in that situation and and so that's that that's the key strategy towards getting and executing properly date number one fantastic love it so next week we're going to be back and we're going to be talking about keys to a successful first date from a woman's perspective okay well was actually a little more difficult but I'll be thinking about it okay well maybe we'll do it over a course of what do you think 37 episodes with that without cover just first ten minutes yeah no we'll get to it I know I I'm sure I got plenty to say about this in fact I do
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