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Episode 26: What He Says vs What He Means
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all right dr. Lyle how you doing today very good great to hear from you Nate so today we're going to be talking about things that he says on dates versus what he actually means last week I had a really good time talking about what she says versus what she really means and we had a lot of good feedback people had a great time a lot of my friends called and said so they couldn't get enough of this so you ready to talk about guys this time huh yeah I don't know if we should tell them I know we're gonna give away my secrets here that's right all right let's give it a roll let's have some fun all right so this is an article I found on Cosmo magazine by Frank Cibola and he wrote a little I can genius already we're gonna die just how right he really is so all right here we go he wrote a little list of all the things that guys say so let's just take it from the top so when the guys on a date and he says you know I had a really late lunch so I probably won't be getting anything too heavy what he really meant with it this restaurant is way more expensive than I thought and I'm hoping you won't order an entree I think I lost you nope okay how's the audio right now okay that's better okay so what he's really saying is that what he's really hot yeah yeah this restaurant is way more expensive than I thought and I'm hoping you won't order an entree if I don't that is ludicrous that is not what he say and this is a guy okay no I don't think so this guy must be gay because he's not taking like IDO sexual mail all right what's actually happening is the guy is not impressed with the females looks right so he's already realizing he's probably they're not impressed or he's completely outclassed and given the world narcissistic streak inside of a male it's unlikely that he thinks you class so actually he he's feeling like she's not fancy enough this is not paraben material for sure and he doesn't mind leaking that if she manages to scrape up enough looks to be casual matting mating strategy interesting he's not going to like go overboard to try to earn it if if a guy is impressed with the females looks from the junk there is no way that this guy Alessi unless he has like zero class and walks around with his elbow in his soup there is no way that this guy is stupid enough to signal to her that he does not want her spending money okay because that's exactly what this is anxieties about so I will I'll give the guy credit that money is at issue here but money is only an issue when when the when the male is not impressed with the female's appearance if the mammal is impress parents it's like gee let's go shopping at Tiffany's what's your name again okay so this is a this is entirely clear what is actually going on here when they let's do this they're basically signaling the female not very into you got to get through this thing and yeah I don't want to spend my this is a nice restaurant that I invited you to because I was hoping that you were going to look good and then I wanted to show you that I'd be willing to to spend a lot of money on you but now that I see that you look like forget it and I'm gonna signal to you that I'm not into you so I'm not even going to eat and that way we can get out here quicker and I get on the road back to match.com so that that is actually what stabilized so that's hilarious there you go I can rule it you know what a while ago I had a similar situation where I walked in and the the the girl that was going to meet me I had never seen her before but we met fine through social like through the through the match.com type of thing and when she walked in it turned out she lied about her weight by 20 pounds but like by 80 pounds yeah and I sat there and and it was it was for like coffee or something and I just remember feeling like gosh is five bucks really something like really this big of a deal to be getting upset about and I actually was I was like I almost I but but I ended up you know just be nice about it and we walked right walk you know but I remember clearly thinking that feeling was what was present young man young man let me tell you something when you get as old as I do it's never $5 it's always a hundred and you walk in in your life there's another kind of dollars but worse yet it's a couple hours and you know what it was an hour to drive out here to some now oh there you go all right that's what the real deal is all right so let's move on what else we got number two when he says I'm an entrepreneur what he really means is I live at home and I'm currently unemployed so I may or may not have sold drugs I might actually be selling drugs right now yeah actually that's pretty close the that is pretty close I feel I don't of course the drug part is just there for fun the I'm an entrepreneur actually is such a fancy word that you're not going to get that out of the average high school graduate so what it really means is I have a college degree but I can't get a job with it so I'm considering considering actually doing still you happy to walk on the wild side somewhere and maybe buy a Denny's or not actually that would be too expensive a Subway sandwich going in with my uncle on a Subway sandwich shop nobody really thinking about and you know God blessed the kid he doesn't hasn't found his way yet so fair enough I think the guy got it pretty much right so this is a man's way of bluffing that they're they're actually much fancier than potentially they are yes it's a way of yeah that's exactly what it is but but it actually it's slightly different than that and that is that I don't think that anybody with with just a high school education and and nothing other than essentially blue-collar prospects in front of them and blue call our expectations in front of them would ever use that word that they're an entrepreneur I that's just that's not in the in the working vocabulary of people that are below 100 IQ so that that word and that self description is only going to come from people that are you know in the upper 25% of our society for intelligence and so that person probably does have legitimate prospects and but they've got nothing to show for it at the moment other than maybe an idea and a direction that they're going and so it is a bluff but it's not entirely a bluff that it's a it's not without some reasoning behind it and and some legitimate ambition and probably some chops so they probably will not spend this life as an entrepreneur they're going to wind up you know working for somebody at some point and they are unemployed if they're saying that but but it's not it's not total Bluff its salvaging the cross salvaging themselves in the cross examination so it's almost like doing is what it is which is what it is to be talking to a female if you're talking to a female you're being cross-examined and you are not being seen as a prospect they're seen as a suspect and that that's what's actually taking place okay go ahead yeah so yeah so when when they say they're you know they're they're actually current what he's basically saying is I'm unemployed but I really don't want to be and I'm trying trying to not not to be right right and I'm considering going into business with my for myself and there's there may be a way for me to pull that off and I've got some ideas it's kind of what you saying mm-hmm but all right let's three but but there it a cheap ways okay number three oh it is when he says you know I normally eat pretty healthy but I think I'm going to make today a cheat day what he really means is I do this every day yeah yeah actually and there's something a little more to it actually and what that is is that he's embarrassed about it so otherwise you wouldn't have been thinking about it so what tell what's happening there is that individual in all probability is you know ten pounds fat overweight or more and so there's some reason for them to be impaired embarrassed if the guy is lean and fit and he eats trash he's not too embarrassed about that unless unless he say a well-known help speaker type of a person at which point at which point you may have to be covering his tracks okay so at any rate that this is uh yeah this is I I would actually I would say that anybody that would say that I have a health conscious as a degree of health consciousness that is not typical and so it's probably they may not do a very good job in their health behavior but uh but they are not cheating everyday in other words they're not being totally disregarding their health they've got a health conscious there that's percolating but they are not typically living up to the standards that they set for themselves and they're a little embarrassed about it and that's what's taking place mm-hmm so if I've ever walked into a donut shop and I was standing in line you know waiting to get a treat for myself and in comes Alan Goldhamer or John McDougall or jet no rag or maybe even you and then this is this is where we're all kind of look at each other and say whoa what are you doing here what are you doing here yeah I'll tell them that I was there to sell him some insurance yeah I'll come up with something Borel say I was following you in here actually I saw you in the parking lot I was at the office depot across the street all right next one when he says you know I'm not looking for anything serious what he means is I'm just here to have sex with you really yeah yeah I'm not here for anything serious I think that that that ie casual mating strategy so a lot is being said there and it's important for the female to listen and that is that the guy can act as if hey you know I'm in a period in my lives coming out of my divorce you shot a breakup and you know I'm really not looking for anything serious now let's talk about why that has an air of legitimacy and and why it is that that a man or a woman hearing something like that from somebody else could give that some credibility in a way that they that they that is dangerous to give a credibility to the credibility that they can be giving them is the sense that if we've been in a long-term relationship for a while for example and we're now out of it and we're quote not looking for anything serious what we're basically saying is I'm not calibrated to the marketplace you know I was married 10 years or I was in a relationship for the last five years and I don't know now what my circumstances are relative to the opportunities in the marketplace for me so I am now in a casual mating mode but that doesn't mean that I'm a Machiavellian you know target hunting jerk that just means that you know you can't take it personally but I am in Council meeting strategy mode because I'm not going to settle down but the first person that I trip into I need to sort of survey the market so if you're in that circumstances - or you can hang with that this is a male signaling to a female that if they get into a sexual relationship he is saying don't count on me sticking around okay and I warned you I gave you fair warning now the the reason why so in other words this this is this is actually could be some clever deep cover because this guy may be pretending like he could be a more committed type of a person in the partner and she may in fact qualify as an outstanding individual but the truth of the matter is is that he's quote just not in the right space for that right now given his local recent history okay now that is a quite a smokescreen in the sales job that I've watched perpetrated on people and it's dangerous for the female because the female can get into a casual mating strategy situation that she might not ordinarily get into because she feels like the guys really would really be pair-bond a care bond type of a person and he might be paying playing para bond strategy if he found the right woman ie her and so therefore it is a worthy risk but here's what I will tell you twenty nine times out of 30 at least that is not what is actually going on what when the male says I'm not looking for anything serious right now because of this that of the other two gives you any explanation what he really says is you're not that hot okay you're not that hot you're not that interesting you don't qualify prepare bond strategy you're either not good-looking enough not smart enough not young enough you know not this not bad enough whatever it is you don't qualify for pair bond strategy I'm not going all-in on you okay and therefore that that's you know that is loud and clear that that is what he's actually saying now he's going to cover it up with what I call the octopus he's going to put ink all over the water so you can't see him and he's going to say yeah I've just been through this I've been through that or I've been through this huge project at work for the last three years and you know it's just been totally devoting my whatever this is storytelling okay the truth of the matter is if the female pays attention you can read this one in Braille okay he's saying he's not that into you right now and be warned that all you are is a casual mating strategy target and if that's not what you're not interested in and you don't like those odds get out that's what I would say now a couple of shows back we talked about what is the the over rewarding strategy for males and females I in other words for males what what the over rewarding strategy is is casual mating strategy with a female that is more attractive than he is by far and that's in fact what pornography is is casual mating strategy with very very hot females whereas with females you were saying right the the over rewards system for females is chick porn which is trying to win the favor of a very very attractive male who chooses her over some some other girl right ie commitment strategy so chicks porn is commitment strategy for a male that's fancier than you and male porn is female would engage in casual matic strategy even though she's fancier than you so this is exactly how pornography works that's that's what it is that's what Fifty Shades of Grey is okay so that's you know that's what that is and that's what that's what the 800 million novels that are consumed in the United States romance novels severe essentially entirely by females all with the same plot but the male is fancier than they are but they manage to win anyway that's the that is the that is the plot theme and they are not for casual mating in fact through the good girl that has to compete with some bitch okay that's better looking than they are but doesn't have as good a character that he's actually already had his designs on or has already been successful with and so our girl is the better person but maybe 10% less good-looking but she's got this wonderful fantastic character that he discovers in in the process here and he then decides he finds prising lee to himself that he's got some pair bond circuits in there you didn't even know he had and he quote falls in love with the fabulous inner beauty of our you know 8 and 3/4 female 1 he's a 10 so that that is the essentially universal plot theme of female porn it is just as predictable and essentially just as insipid as the plot theme of male porn which is that average looking guy walks into a pizza shop and three great-looking you know women behind the counter start taking off the clothes and want to have sex with them I mean that's that's both of them are equally absurd and never happened yeah you know I'm thinking if I ever write some erotica I think I'm going to I'm going to put this type of strategy in there you know with all these fancy words that you're talking about pair-bond strategy and and all the vasopressin and all this stuff let's see how many people get hot tell me about it yeah sure we'll sell like three copies my mom will buy one and out of it but get rich my mom will buy one but she won't admit it yeah that's right what else we got all right next one when when he says you know I'm really tired and I have a big day tomorrow what he really means is I'm putting this date out of its misery right now yeah he's tired yeah believe me you have in you adrenaline capacity to stay up for you know maybe 48 hours if the Romans are attacking your fort and so any mail that is impressed with a female that he's meeting is not hired I don't care I don't care what he's just been through so again the signal is you don't qualify not interested and that's that very straightforward signal now this is different though for like first dates like end date or 20th yeah we're the guys legitimately got something yeah okay complete yeah we're talking about first date signaling yeah that's a completely different issue then then once people have already been vetted and there's already been acceptance that's a completely different situation hmm yeah okay all right icon when this happens by the way okay so for example let's suppose we're talking three weeks in and it's dates date six that is a bad sign and I'm saying the so I wouldn't expect to be seeing that out of a really interested male in day six its sex I had a friend of mine that this happened to after about date four and the guy was quote tired and needed to go to sleep and I said that's what you've just been dumped okay and of course I was right she called me kind of concerned what does this mean well that's what it means so obviously three months and it's an entirely different story yeah yeah it would suck to have somebody you know end a relationship because they're like I'm really tired I have a big surgery tomorrow morning should I go yeah well too bad that's it yeah all right what else we got there all right next one when he says you know I've been so busy with work recently what he really means is I hope you're cool with seeing me once a month at the most yeah yes this is this is again this is a guy that is sort of looking to put this person into a casual mating strategy type situation the I have seen rare exceptions to this I have a friend of mine 30 years ago was hyper conscientious like one of the most conscientious people I've ever met in my life this is a this is a guy psychologist obviously we're all psychologists and he once he once neglected asked a patient whether they were suicidal and he ran out in a parking lot after them to ask them all right this just sort of gives you a little flavor for how best idiots this guy was so this guy met a lady that would become his wife and they met and there was a very quick chemistry even on date you know date one day they've worked with each other and then he asked her out anyway long story they go out on this date and it's going really well and he says just so you know I'm in the middle of my dissertation and I'm not going to have a lot of time for relationship I got this is this is this is a god talk conscientious today yeah this is this is uh this is a very unusual character and he did this and you know of course that's been a standing joke for thirty years that this was his this was his charming you know introduction here but to request it like all these other signals are there to and all the other signals there's no evidence in this guy's behavior otherwise other than saying look I'm under the gun here and this is a big deal in my career and you know she also had gone to the same University Bansi University dad and knew that a doctoral dissertation was a very big deal so that that was that's the the only time I've ever heard that story makes sense otherwise forget it you're being shunted into casual mating strategy and it's basically you know don't bother me don't count on pair-bond activity because I'm going to see if I can uh if I can fit you win where it's convenient for me that's what that is mm-hmm yeah that's uh all right out of riot yeah yeah yeah all right number seven when he says gosh you know all my ex-girlfriends are pretty crazy what he really means is I'm a big piece of shit yes I would say that there's a lot of truth in this and it's worth listening to this is this is useful for both males and females when when people do a bunch of complaining about their ex or exes even even a single ex if they go out on a date with you and then they start you know they start waxing on about their ex wife or ex-husband and they have a bunch of negative things to say just just consider that a major red flag light in your face now of course there's exceptions but I would say that those exceptions are exceedingly rare the truth is anybody that does that is is breaking all kinds of appropriate social boundaries you're a stranger you're you don't know anything about them you have no possible way to to assess or adjudicate whether or not they're being accurate or they're being you know self-serving and the fact that they are so frustrated about this and they are processing their frustration about other potential partners is essentially telling you that they have not received confirmation from the village that this is true and that they are frustrated and they have an open-loop in their head behind the steam dynamic between them and their and their mating village and that they're they're upset and so this tells me that essentially that they have the very disagreeable animal that that sees things from a skewed perspective unfairness and they feel like the world has cheated them in this case in this particular arena that we're talking about it's going to be the mating and that it's also unfair and unreasonable and how you know how could it possibly be that etc etc well this is the insignia of the disagreeable human being and so I've seen I have to tell you even mild versions of this are a problem and so if someone is mildly signaling this way then you can consider that they are above average for disagreeable agreeable people would never pull a stunt like this it's just not in there it's not in their DNA so the yeah I would I would I wouldn't put it quite the way this person puts it it isn't necessarily that they're horrible human being but it does mean that they are a problematic human being for relationships but the most conflicted potential relationships on earth or romantic relationships the reason why this is true long-term romantic relationships actually have more potential areas of conflict of interests than any other kind of relationship and you can have and as a result of that they are strained and tested over time in a way that is that is more stressful than other types of relationships and as a result of that you had better if you're picking somebody you better pick somebody that with a lot of agreeable and a lot of stable and a lot of conscientiousness those should be three very important factors that you are considering if you want at an interesting insight you you Nate are too young and so you probably will not remember this I don't know if you've ever seen a movie Forrest Gump yes yes okay good I'm not going to yard a pretty young Forrest Gump is a masterpiece Forrest Gump is one of the finest movies ever made and forth Scott among all the other things to happen in Forrest Gump which is supposed to be a sort of a perspective of American history through that period of time there is something else and an incredible story that is that is sitting underneath Forrest Gump and that is the story of a young man who is extremely stable he is extremely agreeable and he is extremely conscientious even though he's mentally retarded so for Scott is sitting you know right at the second percentile for IQ he's very very limited in his mental abilities but he is extraordinary in these other three personality characteristics and as a result we recognise that he's in fact an outstanding human being and so do the people close to him and they love him and you will see in the acting which is so beautifully done Robin right and also I don't know who plays Captain Dan who is his who is this big great friend through the years that the B's to actor actor and actress they see this and of course they feel tremendously protected the forest because of his limitations like he's their child so they feel very loving and protective towards his you know tremendous limitations but at the same time they feel extraordinary admiration for his extraordinary character strengths and so it's this interplay between their loving protection of his limitations versus his admiration for his extraordinary strengths you play out a human being is beloved and that you have great admiration for and so that that is a in this way that is a movie that anybody is that is looking for us to try to understand romance that's a movie worth seeing as you're watching those three characteristics in play and you want to have those you know I don't know anybody that's Forrest Gump but I don't know anybody that outstanding character illogically but you want hints of course Gump in your partner and and if you're looking you'll find it so the characteristics working for I mean our basically agreeableness conscientiousness and stability and internet yeah go ahead for the guy who said who basically happens to fall into all the crazy ex-girlfriends uh is he just is he just more flaky meaning he ends up lying and so it's a normal reaction for a female to quote go crazy well yeah there's all that to it the truth of the matter is as we talked about a couple times ago that the people wind up generally with people it's often somewhat similar to themselves and that's because that's all they can afford so beautiful people wind up with beautiful people smart people wind up with smart people conscientious people wind up with conscientious people and agreeable people however can wind up with disagreeable people because they're agreeable okay now the so there are places in other words people sort of compromise and play with these like their poker chips and this is all this is all part of the the optimization program of human romantic dynamics but what I'm what I'm trying to explain to people is that that you should look very carefully at these character logical issues and particularly conscientiousness and kindness those are conscientiousness is going to be probably the most important thing that you can look at someone can be an sob but if they're your sob if they're disagreeable it's very conscientious then you know they can be really useful all right and so and as long as they're not so disagreeable that you can find your way to trade with them if you're sufficiently agreeable they may be a 70/30 trader but if you're a 30/70 trader you can reach largely equilibrium with them and be reasonably happy now I would tell you that if I was a 30/70 trader way better off to find some guys it's a 50/50 trader if you're if you find a guy that's a 50/50 trader and euro 30 70 you'll have almost no conflicts between the two of you and he's reasonably asserted that simply kind your the danger is you pick what you think is a 70/30 and it turns out there was 75 25 and they're just chiseling into you all the time and it's nothing the conflict so I would say and remember that people at the beginning of relationships are generally more kind than they are going to be 90 days later so they are they are signalling the reason why they're doing this is that they what kindness is effectively is signaling energies that you would expend on someone's behalf and how how easy you are to to for example if I agree that we can go to any movie that she wants to go to what I'm basically saying is I'm willing to expend my time and energy on a movie I may not be very interested in because you're interested in so that's a that's an example of this sort of sacrificial quality that's going to come very naturally to people early in a relationship because they're trying to essentially indicate that their cost-benefit ratio in the relationship is better than it really is okay this is what this is and so people are going to over signal kindness and they're going to over signal stability and they're they're going to over signal conscientiousness they're going to essentially our guide that said you know this is just my cheat day you know I don't normally etcetera it's over signaling it's conscientiousness and so the and so we should we should be on alert for these things because we want those people to have these solid characteristics in sufficient amounts that it's not it's not really close okay and our guy that is so upset with the women the truth of the matter is is that you know he has has done many things to cause those emotional reactions and the women there's been many reasons why there's been turbulence in the relationships and the primary reason why there's been such turbulence is because he he and they but particularly him that there's a string of them has over signals his character strengths and his essential oversold them and they had been disappointed and they've had to get out of those relationships or they've had to be very upset to try to negotiate back what they thought they were getting and it turned out that it didn't work out and we have the string of upset people on our hands and the reason is is that those characters his character logical traits are not sound that's the issue yeah yeah it reminds me I I one time ordered takeout food and on the website the menu price was like one price and I got there and they gave me not only the wrong food but they gave me a more expensive food and at first I was like wait but but you're giving me something I didn't I didn't sign up for I thought it was like this but it's actually the other way and I wasn't I wasn't that irritated but I also wasn't that you know happy about it this sounds like philosophically the same thing that that actually you're you're being sold you're being told it's better than it is and it's you know it's not this is that's is that what you're trying to say yes yeah people are people are bluffing and this is the old story of you know some woman's actually coyote ugly that yeah I have a friend advise it as storage it is unbelievable okay this is I cannot tell this story accurately this apparently happened in I think it was Phoenix he was a rock and roll drummer and as you can imagine a rock and roll drummer if he's an average rock and roll drummer he's had a quite a bit of casual mating strategy and bars over his career anyway uh-huh so this guy this guy has I hate him already yeah he had quite an extraordinary history with the females of the world and and often times and he wasn't particularly discriminating and so as they say in the famous paper by Jamie Pennebaker at SMU that all the girls in the bar get prettier at closing time this is a this is a statistical statistically proven phenomenon in human psychology and so this guy want wind winds up in in some woman's apartment in Phoenix and apparently she had not only when the wig came off and the teeth came out oh my god there was also a false there was a false leg there was attached or at the hip so coyote ugly is when you chew your arm off to get out of there so that she doesn't know that you're leaving there's also advertising all over this arena and yeah well be patient everybody yeah it's alright well speaking of yeah on to the next one when he says oh you haven't seen that movie I have it at my place you've got to come over and see it like right now there you go what what he really under that means let's come yeah of course what he means is you absolutely qualify for least casual mating strategy and and actually I'm not even going to try to be very subtle about it and so that's that that's exactly what that is no he's not interested in educating you about that movie classics me I bet that is something that I might do I might do that if there's a particularly excellent movie that might prove one of my philosophical points my advice chart doctor well I've never done I've never tried that oh you all right I've never done it either ever ever all right what else we got okay B once okay all right when he when he says you know I had a great time last night I just don't think I'm looking for a relationship right now what he really means is I didn't really have a great time last night yes you know these are these are sort of touchy problems and when people need most of the time almost always somebody doesn't qualify and the and the problem is is that you know this gets to be this dicey issue of qualified for what so the the the females are almost always looking for pair bonding strategy out in the mail the if a female is is willing to roll behind casual Medic strategy if she's interested in casual mating strategy she's generally pretty impressed with some highly specific things that are activating lust cues usually not higher-order brain centers it's interesting that our sexuality or sexuality is is actually divided up into different neural circuits so physical bodily characteristics activate lust but the human being isn't isn't isolated to there it also wants to do an assessment of not only intelligence but also personality characteristics so you can think about the very admiring loving feelings that can start to border on sexuality towards people that you think are fabulous humans okay the particularly if the borderline with respect to physical characteristics so uh you know a man that is below a woman's threshold for physical attractiveness but not super below that threshold if it turns out he's an outstanding human or does an outstanding deed showing extraordinary character you can see her having having some feelings that feel like she's wants to be close to him and actually even explore express physically love and admiration for him and then once you get that close he can start to activate sexual psychology along with those things but she was not looking at him in seeing feeling lusty she was feeling lusty towards the guy with the big shoulders and the cool-looking haircut okay and the tattoo so this is this is the difference these are different areas of the brain and they're actually running different programs that are sometimes integrated and sometimes not integrated now so in in this scenario where the guy is saying ie I'm not looking for relationship like hell he's not looking for a relationship if he's not in a relationship he would dearly love to have a pair bond qualifier that he would qualify for that is characteristic of human psychology he would also be very interested in someone who qualifies for casual mating strategy that he could get away with it okay you could somehow stick his foot in that tar pit and pull it out of there you would do it he could so however there's there's sufficient honesty in in our species that very often males will look at a situation and basically say the following that you are fine human being and you're a good what I would consider a conscientious ie real decent person and even if you qualified for casual mating strategy that is not I know not what you're up to and that's not what you want and that is the only thing that you qualify for me and so I'm not even going to sell it okay I'm just going to tell you I'm really not looking for a relationship right now and it is it is more respectful to do that than it is to to try to take a shot at a casual mating strategy and and essentially try to play a really solid female who's playing pair-bond into that that neck so it's these are delicate issues this there is nothing more personal in the world than whether or not who it is that you are is attractive to another person for relationship particularly when you would be interested there's nothing more more personal people will say don't take it personally but there's really no other way to take it the truth is is that they have looked at you they have listen to you they have watched you they have smelled you and they have vetted you and they have determined that you do not qualify okay if they qualified or you're interested it's going to hurt your feelings okay it can hurt your feelings even if they don't qualify okay so these are these are times for tact and and so therefore you know that this is the kind of a way to ink up the water a little bit is to say essentially nobody would qualify Angelina Jolie would not qualify okay I am NOT looking for a relationship right now and it wouldn't matter who it was that is that that is the ink that the guy is throwing in the water attempting to be as kind as possible as he says goodbye okay all right last one we have in light when he says when he says crazy were weather we're having aren't we what he really needs is I have no idea what to say please help me God I don't know I don't know what topic to start on yes I suppose so yeah he better be that'll be hustling pretty quickly or he better have you'd better have some some handsome to him or he's in trouble the yeah it's it's the man's job to the mountain the the way the dynamics of this species works is as follows that the females are designed by nature to actually figure out what's inside the male's head they want to know what his motivations are and they want to know what his capabilities are they want to know what his motivations are with respect to them whether they are trying to play them for pair-bond or casual many strategy and they also want to know all about this male if this male they may not have decided as they sit down to dinner whether this guy qualifies or not it's very likely that this guy may not qualify physically and so as a result of this in other words he doesn't qualify from the jump because females are muted in there in there essentially lust activation worse the males are not muted so the male sits down and his is his task is to expose who it is that he is to the to the cross-examination of the female this is why for example we will generally find in these situations where the males are doing a tremendous amount more of the talking than the females if the males are not doing more of the talking if the females are doing a bunch of the chattering then an interesting reversal is taking place the female is probably worried about qualifying and she's anxious about it and or you know it could be that she's just a personality chatty Kathy but it's more likely that she's feeling the anxiety and is essentially trying to qualify which is actually a very good sign if you're the male on the other side of this the a but most of the time the male does best of the verbal production and the woman is essentially doing the following thing she's walking through his mind she's analyzing his character she's and he is he is he is essentially trying to sell it as well as you can but it's going to be vetted she's going to figure it out and if he can't come up with something better than the weather uh unless she herself is a dolt he's in a lot of trouble so dr. Mel what does a share with us without revealing too many of your secrets what's something that's the first thing you talk about when when you meet somebody for the first time well you know if they're if there's 50 women that that I have met on match.com over the last 15 years if we can get them in a room they would all crack up today and let me tell you why first of all the only way is ever gonna get a date is if they were really smart okay only only the really smart ones are the only ones that I'd ever have a shot at so so I'm eating smart people and those smart dowels we'd sit down and I'd recognize that my best shot is going to be to smell this actually sell sell this uh with in my head so I do what's what's called the Doug download there was named by one of my friends the download is kind of what you're getting tonight we're going to just go through this thing we're going to understand man-woman dynamics we're going to understand the Big Five and personality we're going to understand the difference between males and females in their meditation we're going to understand why it is the human beings like to look at it ponds and trees and intermittent water queues etc in other words we're going to explain human nature and this is the gun gauntlet and this is a it results in fascinating conversation females listen with their eyes wide open kind of laughing like I can't believe inside I have made many great friends as a result of this uh I've had I've had a lot of them I had I had one woman say you know what I've actually just been thinking about whether or not I should go with this this guy that I you know what I should can pursue a relationship with this guy that I've been dating for two years I've been finally getting frustrated and I decided to go on match.com a little bit but now as we work this out analyzing his character everything I think I should just go for it do you talk yourself out of a job I talked myself out of a job that she was says she felt good about it but actually she's excited she wanted me to meet a bunch of her girlfriends and they wanted to meet not not to date me but they all want to have a little seminar you know just coming from the salesman side of things you should probably learn how to palm read and then you'll you know you'll be set yes I learned way too late in life but what I really needed to then was to learn how to play the guitar that was what I really needed to learn how to do but that didn't happen it's too late so we're stuck with the dug down odhh and that's how that goes actually the girl I was with for ten years wonderful women she got the Doug download on the first date and and I usually I actually would take a restaurant that I know have Italian restaurants typically will have or often will have a paper tablecloth that goes over the top of the paper up at the top of tablecloth and so I always want that and I bring a nice pen and I write all over the tablecloth with arrows and I explain everything about human nature as I draw the arrows from personality to general human natural motivation Africa the migration of humans Out of Africa across etc etc and I'm drawing this whole thing and I had I've had more than one as we got up stare at the paper and desperately want the paper because they really didn't want a second date but they wanted the information I had about half a dozen of them I would leave with an effigy yes no I have an underdog nest yeah uh-huh bread but I don't with the nepeta what's that no go ahead good I want you to finish yet I I said I've had enough aunt had about half a dozen had an episode earnest that they actually pulled up the paper and fold it up put in their proof so that that is act on the rest the rest like did you say no no this is only available if you pair bond with me yeah yeah actually there was you know several times so few times I didn't care but a few times I was like oh that's cue god that's who I said no you don't need to do that you know we go out again oh yeah yeah I know but this is just so it hahaha that's how that works oh that's been such a such as wife from this yeah
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