Home 🏠 🔎 Search


Bad Transcripts
for the
Beat Your Genes Podcast & More

Episode 25: What she says vs What she means
an auto-generated transcript


To get a shareable link to a certain place in the audio,
hover your mouse over the relevent text,
right click, and "copy link address"
(mobile: long press & copy link address)
 


today we are discussing a very interesting subject that comes about when people go on dates when people members of the opposite sex and they get into a relationship and they're starting to figure out how things are and this is a pretty common scenario where where we have one partner says one thing but they mean another so dr. Lyle we're going to list a couple clips and then we're going to get your comment from them and we're going to the first part of this pot going to be what she says versus what she actually means and then after that we're going to talk about what he says versus what he actually means ready all right this sounds great all right so let's take a look at the first one it's a few seconds we're going to get a girl who's talking about what she actually says when a few seconds later so we're going to get reaction from you to tell let us know if this is correct scientifically all right hey what are you thinking I'm just bored analyzing he was fun why are tell Oh OOP yes yeah I don't think I is that as those are others two women talking it's the same girl and the first girl says what she tells that what she tells her her mate and what she actually means is she lysing him oh that she's analyzing him yeah let me play it again I yeah I made what are you thinking go ahead try it again I'm just bored analyzing he was fun oh I don't think so that's actually not what's happening so uh what's happening in that situation is that they remember she's uh all activity of all all creatures on earth is being filtered through a cost-benefit analysis and so any twitch of every any whisker of any animal that ever lived there was a reason for it okay so if she asked the guy what are you thinking it's because she wants to know she's not just bored and wanting to analyze him that's not the point point is is that she's she's got an agenda she wants to actually be tracking what's going on inside of his head and actually if she's if she's asking in that question there's a there's a high likelihood that she's got some anxiety about the relationship for example and she wants to find out what's going on the now that may not be true but it could easily be the case it also might be that she's actually just wanting to get in sync with where he's at because she's because she's wanting to be a good partner so and she cannot read him and can't figure out what what his mind is doing at that point what he's working on and so she's just trying to join in so but any rate let me tell you what she's not doing quote she's not analyzing him because she's bored and she analyzing him is fun that is not what's taking place so that's uh that's a bankrupt theory by somebody that doesn't know anything all right well I love this let's go to the second one here because this is an entire clip of what we just heard which is the girl says and then she's in her voice she's saying what she actually means here's our sector clip I really like your friend kid oh yeah isn't it great mm-hmm Chris is compatible with my friend Stephanie I are you there yep yeah I could I could not understand what the second sentence was like what her what her true interpretation is her true interpretation that Chris is compatible with her friend Stephanie oh oh the lady the who knows shows so she says she likes his friend Chris and but the truth of the matter is is that there is any number of motivations for this so that's sort of a all all that the persons doing that saying this is saying gee isn't this clever that that women sometimes have a subterranean motive that is romantic and matchmaking inside their heads when they ask what looks like an innocent question the yeah maybe but there's also a whole bunch of other motives that they could have so for example the she could be seeing whether or not actually the way she said that remarkably the the tone of her voice was slightly seductive and sexual and so it ended quite frankly so whoever taped this thing the bottom line is that sounded like a woman who is attracted to this guy Chris quite frankly and so now I don't I don't obviously that's not what they were going for here but what they were going for is who she's thinking Chris is kind of cool because she's got some friend she's going to hook up with her she wouldn't be that excited about that process and all in all probability so the of course women have matchmaking agendas inside their heads the in particular they have women are actually designed by nature to try to get everybody paired up so that the village is more stable and particularly they want to get highly attractive people paired up and so that agenda can be sitting inside it could be in sitting inside males heads as well but males don't have that agenda nearly to the extent that females do because they don't really value in village stability that much they're perfectly fine to duke it out with each other and have competitive processes between them around potential mates women if they are mated as this woman is would just as soon like to have all of the all the people in the village sort of all matched up so she might be interested in getting a friend Stephanie matched up with this guy friends Chris because Stephanie might be more sexually attractive than she is and she might be worried about Stephanie pulling her boyfriend away from her so these would obviously we could we could speculate with 50 permutations of this but the notion that that this is a high probability that this is what this woman is thinking is ludicrous she might have any number of agendas including she could be a little too forceful in her positive paralinguistic use as she in order to incite a little jealousy mechanism out of her mate that's a possibility and also to test whether or not how much he really likes his friend Chris for a variety of social reasons so the the social politics of the human being I can get very quickly very fast and to assume that you know the person's motivation their political motivation for anything like this would be ridiculous there there could easily be twenty five to fifty motivations and your odds of picking out what it is are about even odds across the board it's two or three percent likelihood of being right fantastic we've got six then now that we figured out that they're ridiculous good all right what's up next all righty here's 31 guy won't stop messaging me I want to know other voice they'll find me desirable yeah are we there are you back yep yeah yes yeah that's actually very likely to be true okay so that uh that that would be a very smart tactic for for a woman to use and that is a tactic that they will often use however yet and also just to just to show you how likely this one is to be true that whoever is messaging her if their messaging her repeatedly then it's likely that she's giving them some feedback or they wouldn't continue to message her so so there could be a variety of motivations number one that she's actually doing some encouraging of this person it's also possible that she's actually quite interested and is looking to step out on her relationship potentially and what she's doing is she's doing a whole bunch of she's foreshadowing the fact that she could be caught in a socially awkward position that that the that her mate might make the inference that she's having an affair so she essentially wants to blame it on this quasi stalker so that the male so that the real social dynamics of the situation are obscured so this gets to be as you can see once again very clever things happening here it could be that she's trying to incite jealousy it could be that she's actually covering for a potential affair and so or it's a third legitimate possibility would be that she's actually complaining and looking to to signal to her mate that she has a quasi stalking situation that's problematic and she may need his muscle and intimidation to get rid of a problem so that is what she's in fact signalling but that is probably the least likely possibility out of the three mm-hmm very interesting okay let's play number four I was just like look what do I do all this work for Kristin can you put your phone away this is the moment I'm testing how much you love me oh my god how a while me yeah let me see so to explain this one to me because I'm not sure I get it so she talked so says can you put your phone away and what she actually means is this is the time where I get to test to see if you actually value me yeah I'm gonna have to map then can have to keep asking you details here so that I make sure that I understand the situation so she's uh is she talking to someone or is she texting a friend she's hanging out with a friend in the same in the same proximity so they're at the table together so and this is a what a boyfriend or a friend it's a female friend and they're hanging out together and the female friend on her phone phone like nesting or playing with the phone right got it and chan-hom the friend role yeah yeah and she's telling the friend can you can you please put your phone away okay and what she actually means is this is the moment where we test to see if you actually care about me well if you tell somebody to put the phone away that's a pretty damn direct message that's saying this is effectively my time that I've gone to trouble to be here in front of you and so I take priority okay and if that you could call it a test but I actually look at it as a little different than test I mean this is looking like a a reasonably assertive demand and and so that she's again cost-benefit analysis we are not only running a cost-benefit analysis on our options for behavior but we are observing the cost-benefit analysis that the people on the other side of the table are running on us so in this case our girl that is not on the phone talking to the friend that is on the phone has run a cost-benefit analysis to be in this girl's company and not be on the phone and actually planning to engage with a friend her friend is then running a cost-benefit analysis and saying yeah I I made some trouble to be here but I'd actually prefer to be communicating with somebody else on the other end of the phone right now than communicating with you okay so this is this is a very reasonable to feel insulted and so this is a so obviously I mean we've got a simplistic thing about this is my test as to whether or not you value me well I wouldn't quite look at it that way that's that that theme is certainly in this picture but really it's a matter of displaying some anger and anger is a mechanism by which human being signal to each other that they believe that they've been treated unfairly and the notion there is to activate guilt which would then result in in concessions so this is a this is a warning that is shit she is sending and and and the and so that message it isn't a message to see whether or not I'm valued it's a message to say listen I value you you need to be valuing me on a nonpartisan and if you're not you know you you can feel the underlying anger that I'm signaling you and what what anger is is a threat of consequences for behavior that is not fair okay so the most obvious reaction of anger in the animal kingdom and in human nature is violence okay so this is this is not a situation that could possibly result in violence but violence is just a number in the most one of a number in the most dramatic of sanctions that one individual can direct towards another individual there are any number of sanctions and it's all about threatening something that the other person finds valuable so for example if you're late one more time you're going to lose your job okay if you look at another woman I'm leaving you okay so these are threats if you if you move one over inch over this line we're going to bomb your country okay so that's what anger is it's a mechanism to signal that there will be sanctions unless the behavior becomes fair from the other side in this case the the woman is signaling to her friend that that her friend had better pay attention to this anger or else she is potentially facing the withdrawal of the relationship okay that is exactly what is being signaled here so it's not oh I'm trying to find out if you value me it is you had better value me because if you don't if you don't make the choice very clearly right now but I in person who have gone to the trouble to being with you is not more valuable than somebody else that all they did was fiddle on their phone if you cannot make that distinction and if I don't rate high enough then basically you can pound sand down a rat hole and go to hell and I'm done okay that is actually the threat that is being leveled and those are the reasons and that those are the parameters involved now a couple years ago you wrote a book called the pleasure trap and you have a TED talk by the same name and that hyper normal stimuli that's present in our in our environment today that was not present in the Stone Age environment in your estimation are these smartphones and mobile apps and all these hyper nor visual stimuli a good analogy for what's going on in the social situations with people uh keep talking your think about something get a little more clear what you're thinking what I'm thinking of is with social media and with the invention of apps and the iPhones and the smartphones people have access to inflict never before and they have access to other people like never before and I have have friends outside I have a group of friends that they recognize that they're so addicted to their phones that they just constantly have to check their phones left to right in every interaction socially they have to be team up so we got to the point wherever we go out to dinner we put our phones in the middle we say the first person reaches who reaches for their phone unconsciously has to pay for everybody's meal and this is a good little social it's beautiful where is what some friends it's kind of extends just going to be basically half into the situation and they're on their phone right and left and a lot of focus with what people are doing now I'm not sure if it's just because of the type of relationship or with the type of friends that it is or if this is just a larger phenomenon on yeah let's think about that for just a minute the certainly I understand exactly what you're talking about and I have the same quasi addiction and and what what it is what's driving it is that there with because our lives of attempt or social interactions have potentially expanded considerably others we are now in contact with a wider net of people more often than you would have been 15 years ago and as a result of that there's there's potentially interesting possible value propositions that are being sent to you okay and so hey do you want to go have lunch hey we want to go do something next week etc it's a wider net of people that is more socially interconnected and as a result there are potential rewards for force you're essentially as the little emails and texts and so forth come in there might be interesting things coming your way okay and and also there's a lot of potentially humorous things and interesting things that people are sending to each other yeah within their networks because they because there's such an ability to transmit information worldwide now that people can be very quickly informed of something interesting that happened so some some whale lands on the beach in San Diego and you know L whole country is going to know about it within an hour the and so in this way it actually it makes some sense why people feel a compulsion to be checking in with their electronic media so our little interaction here with the two friends I the it makes sense that and this is sort of obvious a protocol that with two people they're either both going to be on their phone or neither should be on the phone okay so if they're sitting down together they can they can be basically thinking to each other and signaling to each other hey we're just sort of hanging out but we've still got still got some things going because we're managing three or four conversations or potential situations that are bubbling so we're sort of checking ok there so there are more people they aren't really alone they're each living inside a cyber space of which the other one is also there okay so that so in that way we can acknowledge that no we're actually both sitting within our own you know an intersecting cyber space where I'm actually sort of interacting with three or four people including you and you're sort of acting with three or four other people that including me okay so you'll see people do that but when one person is essentially drawing the line and saying they're not doing that they're focused on the one individual then for the individual to remain cycling through a four or five or even an additional conversation is fundamentally rude and that's why we had the situation that we had the but in the in response to your general question and comment in essence we these are not supernormal stimuli in the true sense of supernormal stimuli because the the social relationships and communications that are going on with electronic media are not super normal but they have certainly changed the the normal dynamics of two people sitting in the same proximity with each other because now it is not often not just two people it's ten people and and all and also we have a mechanism for getting updates and important you know potentially useful value propositions from 30 more people within your social network while you sit there and so that's why it is a it is a new set of effectively what would you call these manners news a new set of rules for social interrelations I think is spontaneously evolving hmm and speaking of thought was an evolutionary psychologist I forgot who who predicted the rise of means which which is you're talking about they'll on the beach and and all these other things yes me mean was actually a word that was invented by Richard Dawkins yeah and he won't speak oh yes and so and Dawkins was was essentially believing that that there would be characteristics of information that would be would have similar properties to DNA in terms of their reproduction not not like DNA physically but essentially that DNA is effective to the extent that it is high fidelity and that it has has high ability to reproduce and and that in that way that if you could certain kinds of DNA are very very successful in ecological niches and in the same way certain kinds of information would be very very effective at essentially getting themselves reproduced inside of human brains and that is true and so now the world understands the importance of means and Dawkins was the first person to recognize that concept alright so let's move along and go to our next audio clip there's so much better at this than I am you should don't worry I do it that means fuck you you're grown man how do you not know how to fold laundry alright so let's see so he he basically is playing a child he doesn't want to do it and and she is assuming the essentially a parental role and she's irritated about it okay so what your this is going to be it's useful to know so something that this brings up is is that there are two primary manipulative tactics in human nature in order to get what you want and I mean there's there there are more than this but these are two particularly the edgy manipulative tactics obviously one basic manipulative tactic is to simply educate the other person about a cost-benefit value proposition that's better than the one that they've got staring them in the face so if you're if you're buying Bic pens for a dollar apiece and I can sell them to you for ninety cents then I'm simply going to educate you that I can get you the same thing for ten percent less a great deal of the world's communications and quote manipulation is all about that just straight value proposition permutations now the however within more intimate human relationships there are two primary manipulative tactics those primary manipulative tactics are going to be anger and they're going to be tears okay so these two tactics essentially represent opposite ends of a continuum of where the two people stand with respect to a dominant submission content relationship so if a person believes that they have sufficient values that they can threaten any other person then they're going to use anger okay the if that doesn't work then the next move might be to use tears so you'll watch children do this so you know a mommy Joey stole my toy okay and so that doesn't work and then the kid starts to cry it's very very interesting to watch this happen it's essentially the human nervous system is a jukebox and it selects song number one that it thinks it's going to be the most successful song and if that doesn't get the parent to dance and it hits the box the next button and it gets song number two now humans you know adults are the same way they're not they're really ultimately not a lot more sophisticated than children and so in this case oh and the interesting thing so if anger and intimidation ie threats can't get it done and in this case he's he's not going to use anger and threatening communication although by the way he could and in this situation he he wants her to do something that he's capable of doing but he doesn't want to do because he's lazy he's trying to manipulate her now one of the ways that sometimes people will get things done where they don't have to do it is irritability and anger just generally not necessarily directed at the partner because in this way what they're basically saying that a partner is boy have I put up with a lot of crap today I have been pushed around and out-negotiated and threatened and basically I had to be the good guy all day long so I'm walking in short okay I've basically been hosed and I bunch of my time and energy has been stolen today and now if I start signaling that around my relationship when I get home the partner is going to thank oh boy he's been treated unfairly today and he's angry and therefore I now need to sort of take up some slack and make sure I don't you know try to do this 50/50 in the next two hours I'm going to bend over backwards and make it 70/30 so that he'll calm down and feel better Sam saying so that could be one way but this guy would have would have tried to get this done but in this case we don't have that backdrop what we have is a simple matter of he's going to effectively he's using tears now you can't see the tears but what we're what tears are part of is a more general strategy but we're going to call pathetic okay so this is a pathetic strategy and the the number one pathetic strategy is you start crying okay and what the purpose of this not consciously these are blind and conscious programs although there are of course known to be some so crafty people that can that can cry on demand and that's pretty fancy and they can be very effective but that's not what most people have most people don't have that kind of access to that ability so when you cry what's happening is this is an unconscious manipulative strategy to gain concessions from the other person that are likely to be the other person is likely to be in a position to be able to grant them because they are dominant with respect to that resource and so so typically people will cry and what they are doing and why this is very effective is that usually the ultimate dominant resource holder in a human beings life is a parent okay so in your life there's a four-year-old you have something threaten some value or ticket or you wanted and you cry and so as a result what happens is is that there are so much of their DNA with you they are designed by nature to consider your interests almost as important as their own and so as a result they are very likely to have altruistic behavior not too far down the food chain in terms of something that they will do so if a kid is squawking for example about how starved they are a parent just might feed them their lunch okay and just out here Mary I'm fine so I'm saying and that this would actually be genetically useful for for both parents and offspring to be sensitive to these dynamics where the parent if the parent could give up a resource it might be worth it to them genetically to Pat to give it to their kids so altruistic behavior throughout the animal kingdom is very very common between parents and offspring and its enormous ly common and enormous ly potent in human beings for various hundred reasons the most important of which is is that we are a low reproducer with respect to offspring we don't produce three at a time we produce one at a time we only have one out of 26 births in humanity is a twin so essentially we're a 1-1 kid per year reproducer and as a result kids are precious and as a result parents are vastly altruistic in our species relative to other species so crying will elicit altruistic behavior out of humans and that includes if you are you can imagine for example a 75 year old lady and a 50 year old clerk at a store and she the little lady gets frustrated and she starts to cry now even though she's a 75 year old lady the bottom line is it's very likely to activate a paternalistic circuit inside that 50 year old men and that will likely get him to be suddenly altruistic which means he's going to step now the altruism in this case is going to be he's going to race around and do a lot of things try to operate within the rules but divert a lot of his energy to try to help this little old lady because this altruistic circuit has been activated okay so in the same way in our example our pathetic worthless guy here basically does a very mild version of crime like genius news so it's better I am like a child of helpless okay and and in in a really pathetic way trying to give her some status in it like you'll get some status in it too because you're showing that you're better than I am but really what he's doing is she's activating a parental circuit inside the female in order to gain her time and energy and so that he can go watch the football game that's what's happened and that's more or less what's going on so men learn how to do your own laundry by yourself sorry nice that's a great business idea right that's a great business idea if you have millions of dollars in MBA in any sense of how to make an app now let's let's see if I understand this so it's a male and female talking and she tells him that's a great business idea and and then tell me what happens next because I'm not sure I follow so she says that they dismiss idea but what she really means is that's a great business idea if you have a million dollars in an MBA and etc and all these others that is status right right in other words it's a worthless idea that that's that's really what she's saying so he and pitching her on some idea and she's saying don't waste your time and energy on it so however I so I guess the joke the joke is is that a female might be superficially encouraging of some guy's business idea but meanwhile she's really not that interested I suppose that that's what the trying to say that is that how you read that yeah I mean I would think that if the male is I would look at it like is he really seeking her approval or disapproval because if he if he's really really into it it doesn't matter what she thought could happen yeah I really not in Brighton he's just trying to cloaked status then he's going to fail no matter and he's just going to get that and put himself in the ego trap so I guess the question in my head is is I was hurried her effect that the guys were in on the fence about this yeah let's think about this that the reason she says it's a great idea is because she's running a cost-benefit analysis on her alternative courses of action for giving him feedback if he is talking to her about this idea he clearly is very excited and thinks that it has a lot of potential so it is not in her best interest to rain on his parade which is incidentally why it's a really bad idea to have your best friends read your new big novel that's going to be the next great American novel okay because they're going to not want to give you negative feedback all right so this is a this is an example of that situation so so it this is a situation that bits in social psychology we call a situation with demand characteristics in other words the nature of the situation is demanding or pulling for a certain response and so in this case talking to your girlfriend about your new business idea you can count on her not not likely giving you the truth because she's got her own agendas about selling herself to you as a partner and and therefore like someone who may say well she I just don't want the hassle and the arguments I just told him right but actually it there could be a number of meditations that she may have but most of those motivations are going to drive her towards the demand characteristic of the situation which is to be agreeable and enthusiastic even if you're not now I have some friends not very many do this but we're fairly comfortable about sharing ideas and if we have a bad idea the friends will say no that's a terrible idea or know that you know if you've been right but that's a that you're not going to really succeed if you that way they're pretty harsh and pretty set up and we are all this way with each other but right so how do you explain that you explain that because they're not trying to sleep with you and they're not trying to get a lifetime commitment out of you as a marriage partner okay so they don't have the kind of ulterior and they don't have as much on the line a female in a romantic relationship is under a very high demand situation to signal high cooperation so your friends being a bunch of males the didn't are male so I pity females to die notice if you've ever hung around a bunch of testosterone Oz males football team er like that it's unbelievable how disagreeable they can be with each other and it's no problem okay they call it busting your balls I have no problem criticizing making fun of each other completely dissing any idea anybody has about anything and outright contradicting them on just about any opinion of the Sun so males by nature have a much greater latitude but they are not essentially out of line for just shitting all by Joe okay so that's what's going on Nathan you got a little different situation I see okay so I'll make sure to bring that up yeah the next one of those guys agrees with your idea don't say what do you try to you try to hit on me going on there actually that's exactly what happens when we agree with each others we all joke about how you know how we're trying to try to get into the pan so oh my god what a bunch of characters all right Rock'em Lara look we have next closer yeah they were super great your whole family was really sweet your parents were so nice this is your cue to tell me if they liked me did they like me why haven't you said anything do they like my women Maya please feel like more than Maya all right yeah this would a cute little vignette here so again and what what the authors of this vignette are speaking to is is something kind of interesting and important in human nature so let's take a moment to look at it that she's commenting on how she likes the family and how they're great there etc but really she's what she really wants to know is where she stacks up in their eyes so Pete and of course this is going to be important so people are very concerned about how much esteem or status they have gained in a situation and they are are not so concerned about about they're about what they think of other people unless they have a competitor in this case there's this guy had some ex-girlfriend named Maya or some such thing so that that's not important and I don't think I don't think a lot of a lot of women are panicking about that after they meet the family obviously if they meet the family and the guy has brought them to the family and Maya is in the rearview mirror then she is front and center in Mayas ancient history so but what she would care about she would care about what the family thinks suffer and and of course because she's concerned about her current scheme whether or not they're going to be essentially pulling it she's not panicked about worrying about what they think of her but she's interested and it's important and the reason why that's true is for a multitude of reasons number one one reason is that the family that motivated highly motivated we pull a relationship apart or put it together there's reasons for that that are unique in human nature to any other animal on earth to the best knowledge I have never read of another species where the parents of an adult member of the species give a rat's ass about who that adult sleeps with that is not true in humans in humans parents of an ache your your your folks are a little bit interested in your vague do we hit a little circuit there yes yeah any cross-examination or pressure anything like that either no I think I'm Sofia with commence now oh what's that I'm sufficiently disagreeable where they now know better yeah there you go yeah that's many to see that's the way and you threatened them with excommunication if they continue to harp on this so so any right yeah so the girl has every right to be fishing to try to figure out what she's up against there if there's any objections to her and try to sniff out what the political situation is with respect to his family now what the individuals think whether there's disagreement among them etc she's highly motivated to sniff this out she is also going to be paying attention to this because it's quite possible that she's trying to read where he's at and she can read where he's at very very cleverly by asking him where the parents are at or finding out a way for the to figure out to take the temperature of the parents or the sister or whatever and the reason for that is that he may have leaked or biased their their behavior in other words they're thinking about her and so therefore this is a way for her to indirectly read the tea leaves and so that that would be another another angle once again the right template to be viewing this from is to be viewing everything through cost-benefit analysis it is not particularly important for her the the value proposition on the table here is not that important for her to be signalling to him what she thinks of his parents now that so in other words she's so she's going to be giving positive feedback pablum positive about this and saying all the right things that those are there there's no cost there for this is that the wise political move the so she's much more interested what it is that they think of her for for obvious reasons because what she's interested in is the potential and future that relationship so she's trying to figure out she should get the hell out of this relationship now because there's actually evidence leaking against her so she should defend the eggs and make sure she doesn't wind up Stone Age pregnant ie heartbroken in the Stone Age she would be pregnant and abandoned but in the modern environment she winds up merely heartbroken etc so she's trying to read this and that's why in a little vignette here we're hearing that she's all anxious well that anxiety is being driven by the fact that she's actually trying to determine where she stands in this relationship with its future is and and only secondarily I have to say is she really got interested in what the parents in the family think so the person that thinks this has a rather superficial understanding of her anxiety about this in this regard she's not up and down jumping up and down anxious about what the parents or relatives think she's actually much more concerned about what the what the young man thinks and she's concerned also if she has a major political problem she's trying to assess it not under anxious conditions but under conditions of warfare okay so she's not up and jumping up and down anxious she interested and curious and and wants to know what she can learn about the entire set of circumstances that she's finding herself in fantastic okay here's our last clip all right how was canceled looks like I can stay the night oh my god is afraid only was not expecting this but that is so great that means I haven't shaved a thing in days I it's the whole thing you can have to explain it to me so the partner the male partner says oh this party's canceled tonight that means I can say and the girl says oh that's great that's really great and the translation is oh I haven't shaved anything for days I haven't I can't oh I haven't shaved anything for days yeah Millison upset okay so the female is rolling her eyes because there's going to be sexual activity now and she has to shaved her legs or shaved other things and so therefore she's embarrassed about this is that what we're hearing yes okay and was there any more to it or who's that was that this yet that was it yeah okay this is sort of pathetic these people are reaching there's no principle here of any of any significance the the issue is is that the guy's plans change and what's notable what was it that I cancelled can't remember party or something the next day yeah I can remember let's now look at this let's just look at this through a little bit more clever lens to try to just fair it out put some meaning and interesting this in this worthless little interchange the bottom line is is that that his he there's some party that gets canceled so he can spend the night okay now quite frankly if this relationship is very valuable to him what the hell party could there possibly be it would be more important to go to than to be with mate that he most wants to be with okay so what we already get from the jump is the attitude that that he must be in a position of power in this relationship and that she is chasing okay chasing and in a very weak position so that he literally could have his best option for his night got canceled on him so sounds to me like I'm just going to swap as well just stay here and screw you which is like an unbelievable the fact that he is actually that he's not asking but he's announcing that any well it looks like then I could stay the night okay I didn't hear him asking that gee would it be okay how would you like if I stayed no that's not what I heard and so then as we as we follow this rather irritating you know vignette forward what we find is that in the woman's head she says oh great but actually she's anxious about her sexual attractiveness and presentation okay which further is actually consistent with the fact that she is a second-class citizen in this relationship and she's got to be anxious about it okay so the anyway that's how I read this thing that that that doesn't look like a couple where there is high high level of regard from from him to her and so no surprise that that it makes a little bit of sense there that she would be concerned about some some of those issues the of course for anybody that has ever tumbled where things are not all smooth etc if you're Angie your partner who the hell cares the bottom line is is that in the Stone Age people didn't even take a bath and if they're into each other it was just fine fantastic all dr. Lao this is great if any listeners want to call in next week and have some questions for me too Yomi I'd beat your genes at gmail.com or you can call in at six five seven three eight three zero seven five one we are live on Wednesday Pacific Standard Time so dr. Lyon is that times what people say isn't necessarily what they mean but it may not be intentional and there may be a whole host of different things that people actually mean that are not completely thought out or not plowed it's just active the nervous system trying to read cues and get for the value proposition of relationships yes yeah and actually it's a it's a spectacular device the human mind and it's socially remarkable and it was evolved to to actually send these signals receive these signals and not only that send signals that may have multiple meetings and multiple interpretations in order to broaden the possibility of their flexibility as they as they move into the future of those relationships so essentially human beings are by their very nature very political okay and now they're not alone there's a famous book written I think by by de Waal years ago called chimpanzee politics as he observed all kinds of interplay between chimpanzees and how they formed alliances and how there seemed to be information being transmitted through chimpanzee troops certainly were aware that such things exist but human beings as much as interesting and fascinating as animal behaviors and primate behavior is the truth is there's nothing like this this ape we are easily the greatest ape and as an ape we are a master of communication manipulation and subtle subtlety subtle political process and and so you know that that's going to permeate all of our relationships and anybody anybody who has not ever been fired is pretty good as well as a bunch of people who have been fired Oh your politics red yes sure absolutely
Back to the top
🏃     👖




Artist