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Episode 230: 230 Repeat exposure, scrambled eggs, pair bond dating success, online dating
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uh well today uh we've had some questions from listeners and uh we've been wanting to do this kind of show for a little bit um and uh the repeat exposure effect the dating pair bonding and whatnot so uh we're gonna start with this question with this first question then see where we can wander all right so our question is dear beat your genes team from what i'm hearing as a female 10 i have practically no chance of ever pair bonding with an objective male who's a 10 my equal the best i can hope for is to settle for a nine with more or better researchers research resources than me a subjective 10 which can only be achieved via repeat exposure correct needless to say online dating is a nightmare but offline i have not met or seen a man who would make me feel over rewarded or even remotely attracted in more than five years latest divorce to aggravate the problem i am also a sapiosexual any insights into how i can overcome this challenge are welcome ps dr hawk is a hoot makes a fantastic addition to the team i can't wait to hear her laugh at my question [Laughter] well except i get criticized every time i laugh on the podcast so yeah all right well this this just you know this sounds like a great question for you jen watch it roll roll out on it a little bit oh well i mean she's striking to the heart of the problem which is that it doesn't i mean tens have their own kind of sets of problems so ten's setting aside the fact that she's a self-described ten and she's trying to find someone else who is also a 10. that's let's just put that aside for a second because the universe that tens live in is a universe that is unknown to us mere mortals so but for everybody um for for women in general she's got her her finger on the problem which is the um the repeat exposure question so generally the the most stable romantic dynamic between males and females is going to be one where the the female is sort of objectively as much as we can sort of be objective about this uh more physically attractive than the male and she builds her attraction to him over time as she becomes familiar with his character and his personality and his humor and his like his his ability to impress her with who it is that he is um and every single woman uh that i have ever met and i have certainly had the experience many times has had this experience where you've met some guy at work or in in some sort of situation where you're going to run into him on a repeat basis and slowly get to know him the the trope that you'll often see in the romantic comedies is like your your brother's best friend you know or or some sort of the co-worker that you're just buddies with and you you the the line you hear is oh i just never thought of him like that never thought of him that way or just never occurred to me um and the the process is that you're slowly you've taken the pressure off of the the whole situation to really get to know his character and he's not he's not stumbling over himself trying to impress you and racing toward disqualification by doing something particularly stupid he's just slowly showing you who he is over time and your attraction is organically building to building as as you get to know who he is so every female that i know has certainly had this experience more than once most likely it's it's really at the heart of most stable successful long-term male female dynamics um meanwhile the male is very consistently physically over rewarded and that's the main piece of of what is so important for him for the qualification puzzle so the she she is picking up on the fact that this is what's going on and she's she's sort of resisting this idea because she can't can't find a more attractive male that she's going to qualify so yeah so she's observing that this is the situation and she's feeling a little a little bitter and resentful about it and i think that's because women have on the dating market in general have really unreasonable expectations about repeat exposure because they are um they're dealing so much with the dating apps and i've i've talked about this and complained about this on the podcast at length before but the whole premise of the apps is you're particularly the swipey apps women are in this position where they're making this flash judgment on a guy and they're deciding if they're attracted immediately not just on a on his physicality but on a still photo of of what he looks like which again if most people have ever been actually gone out on an online date uh the really general i wouldn't say it's a universal experience that the female has because certainly it can go the other way but it's very very common that um he is more attractive in person than he is in the photos certainly not always sometimes can definitely go the other way but you add some you add some physical movement and some dynamism to that individual and there's a lot more depth in person than there is in the photo so to rule someone out on the photo uh you're making a couple of mistakes at a couple of different levels um and you're only responding to men that you're immediately really uh by definition physically over rewarded by and by by definition that means that they're very unlikely to be physically over rewarded by you and so they're going to be playing you for casual mating strategy um so you're short circuiting the whole process that is actually going to lend itself to the most stable um pair bond over time for a female if that is what you're seeking if you're just seeking casual mating no no problem go ahead and swipe to your heart's content um but that's just that's how it's going to work most of the time so for repeat exposure you have to be putting yourself it's it's difficult to try to simulate repeat exposure in the dating market just because of all of the pressures that both parties are under in the nature of the apps and the swapey apps but you can by by doing something like 10 paid dates or some approximation of it but repeat exposure is much more likely to happen um in in the context of a workplace or volunteer group or some other covid incompatible situation where you're spending time in person repeatedly on a consistent basis with men that you wouldn't have otherwise considered worthy of your romantic attentions who just kind of sneak up on you yeah so this person uh also it's it's actually interesting to listen to her commentary um and what this comes down to and what what gen's pointing towards is that um is that over reward particularly if you are anybody if you're a male or a female ten the over reward is yeah there's a good chance it's not going to happen in the physical dimension um it's going to happen in the sum total of who the human being is it's a much more complicated cb in that way it's it's the world that everybody wished they lived in in other words let's find two souls that you know just feel so wonderful about each other because we don't even have to worry about the physical because the physical you know you have ultimately no competitors uh basically if you're a 10 in that in that way the uh or i mean obviously you do but you you have little competition the um uh let's see another comment that the the questioner asks is is um since i'm a 10 it's impossible that i could be in a pair bond with the 10. no where else is a 10 male gonna go other than to a 10 female of course you're not out of line uh out of the game for pair bonding with a 10. if you can attend that's motivated to pair a bun since he's got his pick of the entire litter right and the truth is is that that the the uh the psychology of males is is has two factors that are going to determine their parabonded behavior number one is the genetics so their personality is genetically either more or less parabone-oriented and then secondly obviously the more attractive the male is and some other characteristics not just attractive but also for example how extroverted so those characteristics uh the more tr attractive and the more extroverted the male is all things being equal he becomes more more casual meeting strategy oriented the more attractive he gets that doesn't mean that you're ruled out it just means that the um you're you are you're in a situation where there's a lot of male 10s a big chunk of them are going to be very hard uh to to bring to the table for pair bonding so it doesn't mean it's impossible and believe me it's just just where else where else are they going to go other than the top three percentile of females for physical appearance answer nowhere so if you're there you're in the game for all all males who are pair bond have parabon proclivity and happen to be impressed by who it is that you are all good not in any means by what we would say that that would be impossible no but there's also the i think it sometimes gets lost in the whole repeat exposure conversation that it's not only do you become sort of more impressed by the person and more more attracted holistically but they do become more physically attractive to you too so someone right so for the female brain if you meet a guy straight out of the gate and particularly if you see him on tinder and you're like ah that's a five i'd never be into him after you've met him a few times and you really start to like him and you're really like feeling the the connection with him um you you would assess your attraction if you were inclined to rate men on a numerical scale which most women are not but if you were you would he would be he would have climbed up you know 20 30 so and and by the time you're actually in love with him he's going to climb up much higher so it's this is this is just part of female psychology and if you've never had that experience or had it to a significant degree it can be a little difficult to believe that that is true but i think most women have had that experience and if they're in a stable long-term partnership they probably have some type of story about that one of my favorite trash reality tv indulgences uh i have i have a few um the bachelorette included i sort of if you need an antidote to the terrible sexual and relationship politics of the bachelorette you can go uh watch the show called married at first sight have either of you guys seen this never heard oh my god it's so great so the whole the whole idea it's it's psychologically um enraging because they have this team of so-called experts that they put together and they they're giving them big five personality tests they don't call them by name but that's obviously what they're doing and all these intense personality inventories about you know personal and sexual and family compatibility and it's they're like making an effort but the whole thing is run by a sociologist so they're sort of going to go a little awry um and they they match these people and they don't meet until they're at the altar so the the experts do their best to pair these people up according to what they think is going to work the best and then they throw them together at the altar and they meet and then they have to go live together for some predetermined amount of time and find out if it works or not and the show actually has a pretty good success rate much higher than the bachelor franchise so they out of every season usually have one or two couples that are still married i think the the well the longest survived couple i know way too much about the show obviously because this is my reality tv i'm showing my uh my this is how i no wonder i'm not getting my phone calls through the gym the very one of the very first successful couple on the show i think has been together for a good five years or so and they are notorious for she broke down in tears the day of the wedding because she found him so unattractive was just horrified just thought she made this horrible mistake and then you know now there's several kids later they've been married she she's very very happy and she's like the poster child for repeat exposure so this is the it's funny to see these things reflected in stockholm syndrome i mean she's a she's a 10 herself she certainly had choices she was like 25 at the time this is like this isn't she wasn't wasn't trapped um and uh is very very happy and so it's it's fascinating to see these things in popular culture and not recognize what they're dealing with or what they're actually what what people are seeing but that's totally what's going on wow well speaking of repeat exposure uh jen and i actually a couple couple months ago we're artists we had we we had some time and uh i think you know we had we had some time to to spare um and uh we ended up writing a song to the tune of michael jackson's beat it but instead of beat it it's called repeat it and one of our most gifted and talented jimmy the guitar player listeners named warren tapes uh mixed and recorded a guitar version of the song so dr lyle dr hawk i've sent you a version i want you to hit play so we can get your reaction to it okay all right i'm gonna listen to it right now do so okay i'll uh [Music] you want [Music] those tricky genes they just can't see a good man they need a little time while he extends his hand you want him to commit better give him a chance so be it [Music] right [Music] he has to show you that he's really prepared those issues don't come cheap be better [Music] repeated [Music] [Laughter] oh that's very cool lauren's a genius not that it was is amazing yeah yeah so uh for our fans who are curious uh if you just heard the audio uh just visit the beat your gene or uh visit my youtube channel just nathan gershfield um and we'll put the video up there with the lyrics on there if you want to share it it's a pretty fun one so warren thank you so much it's just an incredible video this guy's a such a master guitar player yeah he's also got you know he's got the uh the the beard mustache looking rugged it's just a per he's got it all bringing the whole thing when we wrote the song we basically wrote it with warren in mind we're like no one can perform this like warren can so he he's exceeded our every expectation so it's totally fabulous yeah hopefully this is this is uh warren's justin bieber moment and it breaks out and grants him all the fame that he deserves there you go yeah so dr hawk have can you talk to us about any repeat exposure effects that you've had in your life uh any stories you may want oh i mean every uh every successful relationship has had it to some degree but it's this is the the part of it too that i think women don't understand is it's not um it's not a magical process where you can develop attraction to somebody who truly doesn't qualify so there's a sweet spot so um and it may be true that if his character is so profoundly amazing and you have sufficient sort of the slow burn of repeated um repeated interactions with him over time with no pressure that it could expand the circle around who would qualify but generally you're looking for sort of a sweet spot of somebody that you would you would not have thrown your panties at necessarily or been like you know it's just it's that it's that oh i've never i never thought about that that's where you want to be that's sort of like not oh my god not him you know sort of like there's a difference it's kind of like oh well that's interesting but he's really not my type you know it's like well i yeah i don't i don't think i would really be into him that's the kind of space that you want to be in um if you're really really put off you really really repulsed it's unlikely to work so repeat exposure is not a magical tonic for building attraction to just anybody but it is if it's within the range where you've just kind of you just kind of tilt your head a little bit and you're like huh i just never really occurred to me then it's very likely um that if you do get to know him and you genuinely admire him that's the other piece is repeat exposure doesn't work if he sucks so he's got to have like really really admirable worthwhile characteristics the whole feminine sexual psychology is driven by that admiration piece you really gotta like want him in your life as an as an addition to what you can already do for yourself so otherwise the cb on keeping him around is just not that great so he's got to have you've got to be admiring his problem-solving abilities his provisional abilities his humor the the things that he brings to the party that you can't already do for yourself and if you're very intelligent and competent that can be difficult so it's it's you gotta find somebody who is genuinely making a good case for themselves and who is occupying that that sort of special zone uh where they can can creep into a place in your consciousness where they did not once exist and if you if you have those ingredients then you're in business yeah it's kind of like uh conceptually it's very similar to the adjacent possible so there's you know there's people that you can tell that they would absolutely qualify and you can tell very quickly i.e those are things that your your genes already know and then there's a shadowy area outside of that the adjacent possible and so that's uh it's like huh that that could that could work for the nervous system you're not sure if it would but it might and that's uh that's kind of what this is like yeah yeah and it's just it's but it's it's not going to take a really long time for you to feel like it's on track so the you don't need all of the 10 10 paid dates to discover whether repeat exposure is setting it or not it's going to set in on date number two um so then it's sort of like uh really by the end of date number one if you're warming up to him if you're paying attention to your responses and you haven't disqualified him at the end of date one and you really want to see him again and you're excited about seeing him again you're just still not quite sure if you're attracted to him you know it's sort of that question that that'll you'll hear that sort of thing a lot so i can't tell you how many roommates i've had who have come home from some okay cupid date or tinder date and been like yeah he's this really nice guy just i'm just not sure i'm attracted to him he's really not my type i'm like god damn it don't be an idiot you know just give him give him one more chance um and if at the end of date two you're still really kind of chilly on him that's probably enough information that that probably means that he's just a little too far outside of the adjacent possible or he has a personality that is a little too uh withdrawn and he's not showing you who he really is yet so either of those things could lead to sort of a bad result but um you if you're if you're really tuned in to your own response you're going to be as soon as he starts showing you who he is you're going to be warming up so it's just uh that's it's just the magical process that warren puts to the song like the jimmy he is yeah the the the ten paid dates is about defending your sexuality against casual mating strategy it's not the the other direction so that's what jen's like trying to delineate here yeah i've always said on the other side of it i've said three strikes and he's out like if you're so two's not bad but three is really there oh three yeah three definitely and he's likely to have if he's gonna do something really stupid to disqualify himself he'll have done it by the end of date three so you know he can hold it together for date one but by day three he's gonna say library there's there's something something's gonna come out that's like a big it's just the throws this block of ice into the process and you're like oh god never mind [Laughter] oh all all good all right nick what else we got nathan well um another topic that that we've talked about before uh is just the uh some of the confusion that comes with with women when they're dating and dr lyle i think you've dubbed it scrambled eggs uh is it yeah can can you talk to us about uh about scrambled eggs [Laughter] oh yeah this is a wider story for jen to get upset i'm already [Music] yeah 20 years ago uh after the after i'd written the pleasure trap well a few years probably 15 years i was contemplating ultimately what will become the book that jen and i are writing now and and that was it was going to be much more about romance i was going to just go right there because i knew i wanted to write about that i wanted to think about it and i was learning a lot more with every day that passed about it the uh but now of course the book is much wider full of more sweeping principles and it's a book about happiness generally um but in in the in the book uh that i was contemplating the i wanted to sort of take a take an evolutionary have a sort of a shocking evolutionary concept that i wanted to put in people's face just because obviously i was in my 40s and frustrated that that evolutionary psychology had not eclipsed everything else in terms of public consciousness you know we were waiting we're still waiting for an awful lot of these uh people to die so that the science can advance the um and we're still getting tremendous defensiveness against evolutionary and genetic principles in psychology the uh so i wanted to call it uh that it's all about the eggs so that was the the that was the name of the book that i was contemplating and it was going to be all about romance and it was going to have cartoons in there and all kinds of stuff so it's just going to be a fun way of explaining evolutionary psychology of romance to people and so i had all these ideas for different chapters so of course one of them would have scrambled eggs so the concept of eggs is okay it's all about the eggs like what men are doing on this earth is they're scheming to get to the eggs and what women are doing is that they are essentially protecting their eggs and trying to get the best possible circumstances to to spend them so it's all about the eggs that's what the whole life process is about and so scrambled eggs was uh the situation where the the woman is confused about what it is that's going on in her head that she feels essentially pulled towards uh the uh the sexy sun maker i.e jimmy the guitar player i.e the guy uh you know the the guy that has the sexy genes that not only does he have sexy genes he also part of the sexiness is the very fact that he is not going to pair bond so he's sending you all kinds of sleazy signals and it's actually enticing which is odd when you look at that you're like how is that possible and the reason that's possible of course is because you are wanting to pass those genes onto your sons so you can impregnate 500 women in the next generation and leave them as single mothers you don't know this consciously you're just you're just a machine that has neural circuits that are finding that enticing just like some people find cinnamon enticing you just can't help it it just is and so that's scrambled eggs because the other part of your brain is saying well now wait a second this doesn't seem too practical do i really want to be on my on my knees scrubbing bed pants for the next 22 years taking as a single mom no i don't so wait a minute what am i doing but this is the confusion uh that can be inside you know it's the latent potential confusion inside the female brain between two very different mating strategies the uh then you know i had other eggs like over easy obviously oh my god tell us tell us doug what is obvious about the over easy eggs i don't think i quite understand you see i don't understand these different names for eggs i'm just gonna bypass this the uh the poached eggs is obviously that that a lot of uh obviously the men will poach other people's mates if possible so poached eggs that's that whole story particularly the story of that highly attractive mates of both sexes are often poached it's very typical for them to be poached out of their current relationships so not this isn't always true obviously but it is very often the case and of course far more often the case than it would be for people of average attractiveness so that's a that's a very interesting um evolutionary you know evolutionarily generated fact and established scientific truth the uh and then also i had eggs benedict this is when they're they're traitorous cheating on you so yeah this was uh i was all i was all excited about this book but nothing like very gold hammer-esque actually yes actually you know what probably i probably started to uh talk about it and probably some of these came from allen yeah you know yeah and he probably had about ten more yeah they were increasingly ruthless you know rotten eggs what are devil days i want to know about that's right yeah that's really good there are those i remember those all being considered actually now so yeah there's like probably 10 chapters it would have been a really entertaining book so uh uh would be a series of essays but anyway that scrambled eggs is the is really the story of the following and um it's really it breaks down to the notion of independent neural circuits so you you have so i just had someone the other day saying you know she had just such confusion that she's very attracted to a partner but at the same time very very frustrated with some of the man's characteristics and and so there's confusion uh and i'm sure obviously many people by the millions have been in this situation and the trying to sort of find inner peace and and some kind of acceptance about this and did not have turbulence about it and the truth of the matter is is that there is not not any necessarily acceptance in the offing there might be but there might not be and that's because essentially these neural circuits are are designed by nature to be signaling their estimation of the cb on this relationship so if the person has some pretty serious deficits those neural circuits are going to be saying to you you can absolutely do better in this domain this is just really lousy and there's just no excuse for us to have to put up with something this deficient uh on the other hand another domain might be outstanding and the the other neural circuit is saying oh my god this is rarely outstanding so we we have to hold on to this resource this is super valuable these two neural circuits are basically sending impulses through the system attempting to make their case to get executive control over the organism and so what we find is we find the person in inherent turbulence in one set of circumstances at one moment they're still in it the other set of circumstances pretty soon they're plotting defection and so the relationship can have essentially a permanent turbulence as a result of a situation which isn't super common but isn't super uncommon where where the individual may qualify like gangbusters on one dimension and then be very deficient on another so the um anyway that's a classic that that's that's one aspect of scrambled eggs but the one that i was thinking of mostly was the the scrambled legs behind uh essentially the search for the sexy sun maker uh versus his uh his signaling that he's actually a casual mating strategy player and the desire for a stability and resource stability in the female so that's the ultimate female scramble and um that's you know that's that's the one that that chapter was going to be about that's a that's a big one that's a recurrent uh well jen will talk about that when she talks about uh if you are if you're approaching these swipey apps and you're trying to hunt there and you're hunting behind the most uh the most sexually attractive or sexually intensive response that you get aesthetically you're asking to be in in you're asking to be scrambled eggs and that's you know no surprise that's exactly what's gonna happen yeah but it's well particularly when women have you know are in the habit of sleeping with those guys pretty quickly and so there's so much confusion about well i qualified because you know he slept with me and so what's the problem it's like there's no awareness that they're the we're this dual mating strategy creature and that you've just gotten played for casual mating strategy the the idea that this there's this binary proposition or i'm i'm good enough for him or i'm not well yeah good enough for what um and so so women get very confused and their their estimate of their market value is totally skewed by their success with casual mating which is very very easy to accomplish with the swipey apps or going out to bars or whatever so yeah yeah yeah the end the independent neural circuits the the story is interesting i mean i think it's not any different in principle from the the sort of um the split cb on any relationship i mean you have friends that are the same you know where it's sort of like yes really you're really great for certain things and then i totally can't trust you on others or you know it's like i can't take you anywhere because this always happens or it's just i i think it is pretty common to have definitely you know be over rewarded by certain characteristics with people in your coalition and not as much by others but it is it is a little more unusual to have extremes of that in a primary romantic relationship so that would be that would amount to a lot of dissonance it makes me it makes me remember if people haven't seen doug has mentioned a few times in various places this there is video on the internet of um an advancing male black widow spider like watching the gears turn in this poor guy's head as he's trying to decide if he's gonna go to to mate with the female or not knowing that it spells certain doom for him um or knowing at some level that it does and still experiencing this this relentless desirous enticement um so it's really he'll step forward and he'll step back and he's like the the sort of trembling and then and then as as doug has said before just when you think that he's gonna save himself and go away she starts um she starts pulsating seductively then then it's really all over but it's amazing to watch it in action or other other videos of animal behavior um or even my dogs you know if my dogs are experiencing sort of contested cbs on something to really just watch the gears turning and those competing competing impulses like how do we what do we do next where do we move this organism next toward what it is that would be most beneficial for our gene survival we don't know it's really there's a there's a real standoff happening so yeah it's a tough thing to be married in that experience and kind of not know where you stand yes right exactly now now dr lyle um in this webinar with dr goldhamer uh and this is not the first time this question has been asked uh especially by chef aj is that there's a there's kind of a competition between the pleasure trap and the ego trap maybe not a competition but more so that because the pleasure trap is so unusual people can get into an ego trap trying to escape it essentially yes um and so would you say that that something like that could happen as far as searching for an over-rewarded situation where because it may be that difficult to find that people might get themselves into an ego trap and if not what could you say about that um you could get an ego trap in a lot of ways and you could certainly get into the ego trap from others expecting you to do better in the mating arena uh then you believe that you can so that would lead you to be very conservative in your behavior uh it doesn't have the has nothing to the mating thing doesn't have the same pleasure trap process there specifically with respect to drugs alcohol food gambling anything like that the the pleasure trap in the ego trap will work as opponent processes so they they are not pulling the same direction they're actually pulling opposite directions the uh the the the pleasure trap is best served by perfection in other words to re-sensitize the organism to life without whatever the drug is but however the the ego trap is being pressured by the demand for such perfection being overwhelming so those two things are literally 180 degrees in opposite directions that isn't going to take place without the unnatural problem of the pleasure trap the the mating arena and its problems are not unnatural now jen i haven't thought through the the i don't think it's an ego trap with the swipey apps having women get over-rewarded and then get nailed by casual editing calibration just please calibration it's calibration yeah that's right yeah it's a different kind of a problem so no that's a good question nathan but it's uh the the the curious and extremely thorny problem of the ego trap versus pleasure trap i believe is exclusive to the problem of where the pleasure trap itself exists and so that's uh which is super normal by definition yes yeah super normal stimuli and so that it makes it some of these things excruciatingly difficult because uh the pleasure trap is an unnatural problem the ego trap is a natural problem you know we and we you know we'll face our own ego traps in in in various will either get forced into it by situation or we will quietly uh chip away at and face it or we may be trapped for a lifetime but the truth is the ego trap is just a a moment in in time where we believe that we can't our performance isn't going to live up to expectations of others so that situation is usually not permanent it could be recurrent particularly with with a given personality or given set of circumstances i.e an ego trapping parent or extraordinarily uh excellent or lucky luck and talent early in life leading to high expectations for a very long stretch time thereafter you win an oscar when you're 14 and you can basically damn near doom that person's life okay so the um so there are circumstances getting a really hot girlfriend or boyfriend when you were you know in high school for example uh would that apply essentially i i think it could for a while it could disturb it could in a given individual but um but i think that that's a sort of a rare situation i don't think that that's that that would be typical at all okay the uh no i think the i think i think we've got this actually really well figured out i think we understand it i think jen uh you know described these dynamics uh with great precision about essentially advice for women about how to be looking at these problems and um and so yeah i think i think we know how this works and i think you have to be on the lookout and be honest with yourself when things start to go awry what what is what are the circumstances telling you and if you see patterns in your own life of a particular stamp of failure you know you try to learn from that from that pattern and see whether or not you should experiment with a different manner of behavior yeah well that stamp of failure is usually pointing towards some major distortion so it could be a calibration distortion right you're you know i.e you're hung up on your high school boyfriend who is super hot and you haven't given anyone a chance with repeat exposure so that that could be or it could be that you've got some serious personality distortion that is i'm always telling people if they're like oh what big five test should i take i'm like your life is your big five test like where where have you made the same mistakes over and over again you gotta reverse engineer that that sort of pattern of that yeah that stamp of failure it's a good phrase for it because it's pointing you in the direction of where you've been systematically distorted and that's likely to be either some major informational distortion that you've just never your life experience has not had a chance to overwrite it because you've you've been sort of stuck in a pattern and you haven't given life a chance to teach you otherwise or you're you've got some crazy distortion in some direction of your personality yeah actually the truth is is that any kind of recurrent problem whether it's in the romance arena or anything else they have the same fundamental structure and so and jenna is referring to some of those things there's distortions that come from either your learning experience personality etc and knowledge deficits calibration deficits etc these are all elements to uh that we need to look at and what we call how to solve a problem and so have a solid problem you know we we just shot a video for the members section uh that that i did to it's about an hour and it's a it's a detailed analysis of how it is that that jen and i think about sort of the template that we're using as we walk through clinically uh how it is that we're going to get a person from where they are now to where they want to be and the uh so that's that's there and available and hopefully people that are that have things that they're grinding on that are that they're frustrated about about anything uh that's a a good resource to go to yeah definitely we just put that up like a week ago so it's it's there just in the members section of the steam dynamics website cool all good yeah thank you thank you very much and dr hawk i i once in a while i get messages from listeners who just appreciate your strategy of uh women for the swipey apps where i think uh you think it was that you said uh you should swipe right on everybody and then just watch how their responses how how crafty and how intelligent how respectful their response is yeah exactly i mean they're they're all because they're basically playing the same strategy on you so a successful strategy for a mail on a swapey app is to also swipe yes on everybody and wait to see who you match with and then make a decision about whether you're actually interested in them or not so women should play back exactly the same strategy swipe yes on everybody and then wait wait and see unless you're on bumble or i don't know if there are others that are um that you the female has to message first but i think that's a that's fraught with peril for most women so most of most of the sweaty apps wait for him to send you a message and then judge the hell out of that message and if there's nothing personalized in it and there's no no attempt to uh make a case for himself and it just is obviously cut and paste you know hey nice eyes how you doing happy saturday how's your weekend what you up to like all of this crap then just yeah let it go don't don't let your immediate attraction even if you get a hey what's up message from a 10 don't don't fall for it you know maybe give him a chance and see if he responds with shakespeare but it's not likely very wonderful all right dr dr hawk thank you so much dr lyle thank you so much for the scrambled eggs the poached and over easy well i guess we'll hear about the over easy another god my life is flashing before my eyes all right all right nathan thank you very much thank you and we'll talk to you both next week you
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