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Episode 21: Real life examples of relationship conflict
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so this week we are going to be talking about relationship conflict now last week we talked about relationship conflict but we went over an article from WebMD that had a lot of different confusing pins from the author's in various different books and dr. Lila did a great job setting us straight into what actually is the issue thank you again for dr. Lao did you have a good time talking about that yeah that was fun scientific fighting at the same time well this week and we actually ended the show last week with a very interesting example from a couple that we're having a conflict and this week we are going to continue we have five different situations of actual relationship conflict so real life examples from listeners are just other type of situations so we're going to go over them through that dr. well anything that you you want to say before we start about just how to look at relationship conflict yeah I think what we'll do I mean the the lens from which I view relationships the fundamental lens is is a perspective that if a relationship is wrong for one person then it's a wrong relationship and so the there's nothing in this thing that is meant to be self sacrificial so the concept here that we're after is that relationships are are worth being in if they if they wind up generating a happiness if their overall balance of the person's life is improved and if it's not then the relationship there's no particular reason to quote save it or put it on life support or dissect it or anything else so the so this is you know relationships you have conflicts and sometimes those conflicts can make you feel like maybe you don't want to be in it that isn't necessarily those feelings aren't necessarily prescriptions they are certainly important evidence to look at carefully and to try to understand what what values are are signaling to one that they may be better off somewhere else and then we try to reason it out from there and run experiments to try to see whether or not we can improve situations so from that perspective I'll be interested to hear what these scenarios are and we'll try to look at it through that lens okay great so we're going to go over the first situation this is from a listener and by the way I really want to thank our listeners for listening in and emailing me these scenarios and different situations if you ever have a situation if any listeners out there have a situation that they'd like to get some help on like to get some Clarion feel free to email us at beat your jeans at gmail.com or you can call in live we are live on Wednesdays and actually we started live today at 7:30 p.m. but next week we are going to be starting live at 8:30 p.m. Pacific Standard Time so the call-in number there is six five seven three eight three zero seven five one and if you feel like that's not a good time for you send me an email we can coordinate we can talk about this off air pre recorder and then put it back on airs for the benefit of all the listeners so again the email address is beat your jeans at gmail.com and the member to call in is six five seven three eight three zero seven five one all right so let's go over a situation number one this is from our listener any emails us and he says can you guys talk about in quotation marks last minute resistance and what it is from an evolutionary psychology standpoint to give you an example of what last-minute resistance is I date a girl we get to bed so far everything is good and then she starts acting like a little brat the general symptoms are she's not compliant she may say stuff like don't touch me there or don't kiss me there or I don't do oral sex etc etc I feel like she's playing mind games rather than being into the Passion experience that we both want it's a huge mood killer for me and I really don't know how to handle it especially that I've been hearing a lot in social media about this politically correct rate culture I've read that some females want to be quote chaste and overpowered at the initiation of sex as I thought that it raises their estrogen levels and makes the experience much more enjoyable for them but I'm not sure and I'd love to hear your perspective on the issue all right the let's see first of all let's try to break things down so that we have a system for looking at all problems we can learn in this way the first of all feelings are our involuntary reactions so people have feelings and feelings are signaling mechanisms to tell the organism about the the presence of some value proposition the value proposition could be a crocodile in a river which point you're terrified or it could be somebody dropping a piece of Almond Roca in your mouth at which point it would be a good thing and so your feelings are are if they're neutral there's nothing going on in the BI environment is that is signaling any particular significant gain or loss so if we have a young woman about to the presence of some value proposition the value proposition could be a crocodile in a river which point you're terrified or it could be somebody dropping a piece of Almond Roca in your mouth at which point it would be a good thing and so your feelings are are if they're neutral there's nothing going on in the BI environment is that is signaling any particular significant gain or loss so if we have a young woman about to engage in a sex act and she is a sex act is by its very nature a high value proposition it's either a very positive value proposition or it's a very negative value proposition sex is expensive to organisms and it's extremely expensive to human beings in nature and the stone-age there's a 1 in 20 chance that active unprotected sex with a fertile female will result in a pregnancy pregnancy is obviously an extremely expensive proposition for a female so she actually is trying very hard to use all of her instincts to try to only have sex in circumstances that would appear to approximate an ideal choice relative to her opportunities in that local time in her life so if you think about it if you think about the total cost of of a pregnancy to a female the cost is phenomenal it's on the order of what let's call it three years of life sheer total child-rearing in other words when you're raising a kid between I mean that's that's going easy okay it's at least three years so if you have three years or thirty six months divided by twenty which is a five percent chance the minimum way to to evaluate this risk is it's essentially a couple of months of life so the as a result that female should be ambivalent as hell about this situation now if you've just gotten to know this girl so the reader parent layer or our person here or listener has obviously this is not an established relationship it's not a relationship where there's a great deal of knowledge and complete acceptance people are still being vetted and what he's describing here is the standard operating procedure where the male is certainly much more interested in pursuing this thing it has much less cognitive distance about it than the female female is is going to have independent neural circuits inside of her head so some of those neural circuits can be all excited and doing like she this is a really screaming deal and this is something that she should do ie telling her to allow herself to be screwed however the other she has other independent neural circuits that are walking around this problem and scanning it and they're saying well wait a second are we sure we know what we're doing this is very expensive there's a there's a significant statistical likelihood of pregnancy be careful what do we know about disguise you're going to stick around when we're done you know what's going to happen is you're going to be slugging it out with me for the next five years in the jungle and protecting me and the infant how well do I know him cetera etc okay so the we would expect that the female would be vastly more ambivalent about this situation at the same point in time early in a relationship is the male now these things can change so there are people are going to have relationships where the woman is much more into it than the male but that's not likely to be the case early it's much more likely to be the case later as the female may be putting up with signals that the males not that interested or from god forbid the female actually have may have higher libido than the male usually that isn't the case usually the cases is that the the females females can be trying to hold on to relationships by by essentially trying to generate sexual activity all kinds of reasons and females also like sex so as a result there's all kinds of reasons why later in a relationship it could be turned around upside down but we're talking about early and we're not talking about normal I'm not that hot on it I'm not I'm tired I'm not that excited I'm not that into it no that's not what we're talking about we're talking about a clearly defend the eggs reaction that's taking place out of the female now the listener is saying well wait a second is this is this some gamy thing where the girl is is trying to somehow wants to be dominated okay that that's an extremely flattering self flattering men I'm not blaming this guy that's an extremely flattering male analysis of this female ambivalence the routine and I think it's it's very likely to almost always being correct now there there will be a situation where females early in a relationship very early when there's sexual play going on or late they may want to wrestle with the male a little bit and that that is a different issue they want to wrestle with them because they're trying to check the mail strength relative to their own and they want to see that the mail is substantially stronger than they are so they're that they're usually giggling and they're having fun and they may even be a little bit angry because it's a little wrestling match and they may feel like the mail gets a little rough on him you know I've said but this is all part of a Jean checking process that's going on with the female so she's checking his testosterone levels versus hers and so she's checking also how rough does he play etc what's his temperament there's a lot of checking that's going on that is not the same thing as what he's talking about he's talking about some petulant some legitimate discomfort some egg guarding behavior etc this is not female game playing this is females having independent neural circuits saying wait a minute this is pretty quick okay I'm getting I got some neural circuits that are saying go ahead and I've got other neural circuits saying wait a minute this is pretty expensive and so that that's actually what he's seeing and those of us that make it slow with females never see this behavior okay so I I have not personally I'm 57 56 god I don't know why age myself 1xtra I'm staring at 57 that's going to happen pretty soon but I have not had that kind of reaction out of a female since I was 16 okay so it's been 40 years of a life with various and sundry females and I have never had the situation that he's referring to so that tells me it's not females it's him and it's because he's he's doing the standard behavior which is pushing the male agenda as fast as you can basically and he's hitting some resistance and that's what we're saying yeah you know I was kind of looking into this last-minute resistance that he talked about and I remembered where I had seen it before and a few years ago I think after after hearing a little bit about this book called the with neil strauss and he wrote this book about pickup artists and basically we've talked about this on the show before which is you know all these little tips and tricks that that he wrote about our if we look at it from biological standpoint it's basically how to bluff a female and that's where that last minute resistance came into play and there was these hilarious little like tricks and things like that that Jo who the hell knows if they work or not but but it was very very interesting to see how it's exactly what you were talking about is that the the purpose of those Bluffs is to get the female into bed as quick as possible and that is a casual mating strategy as opposed to a long-term pair-bond so what you're saying is yeah is that when the female can sniff that there's more castrated strategy behind it rather than pair-bond little alarm bells go off and say wait a second we got to check it that's exactly what's happening that's correct milk ok wonderful well let's let's move on to number two I think this is great and you know I also had a question with with his question too is it sounds just from the way he's he's describing the politically correct rape culture he's probably in college or just out of college you know real quickly I've heard this a little bit on social media I'm not really in college anymore and so but I've heard this a lot you know you go on Facebook or social media there's all kinds of different posts here and there and there most typically from very disagreeable people about how how there's this rape culture going on can you can you kind of shed some light as to why why that's happening I don't even I actually don't even know what people are talking about the that I don't know what they mean by rape culture the males and females have always disagreed about how about males and females are inherently in conflict over sexual activity and so the males are going to be pushing agendas and the females are going to be defending against them as they deal with their own ambivalence over the situation that we just described and the females are also half to evil and males feel incredibly sincere they could be lying to themselves with their self-deceptive apparatus and they could be playing casual mating strategy while they believe personally that they're playing pair-bond strategy but they still want to push the agenda so as a result you're going to find a conflict of interest with males and females and disagreeable males are going to wind up using all possible angles including the disagreeable ones with with less with low conscientiousness will effectively rape females outright or they will pressure females very hard to be be rough and make it very difficult for females to defend themselves so you know that's always a very low percentage of man woman dynamics it belongs in this corner it's because only a certain percentage of males are both very disagreeable and with low conscientiousness however you know it's it's there and and so the an as a result over over the last 50 years there's been increased sensitivity to the dilemma that women face behind this issue and the the blame that they have historically taken afford these things happening and the hot under the collar males that will essentially disagreeable entitlement males that will believe that because they were flirted with and led on and played with but then the female asked for it which is of course ridiculous and and so all of this is part and parcel of the fact that that were animals and we only are so domesticated and some of our species are considerably less domesticated than the rest of us and so there's going to be a few percent of males die but there's a few percent of males that are dangerous in this regard and they're not going to rape people on the street that they'll damn well rate rape people on on second dates or third first dates when they thought that they got all kinds of positive feedback and everybody had some alcohol and what the hell and so that's a that that's something for everybody - there's no sense in you know when I hear these ads on TV about anti-rape ads I like you got to be kidding me like that's a totally worthless public ad because the truth is is that the the males that are responsible are not any or the problem are not the males that are going to be paying attention to anybody preaching to them mm-hmm yeah that is a that's a good point it's kind of like Kim making laws against against crimes you know the the people on the fence are going to follow the laws or the lead to the people on one side are going to solve analyze even if the laws aren't there and the ones who are going to break the law we're going to break it no matter what the lies so yeah this is kind of like peace marches it's like wow you think in people giving speeches at peace marches it's like who on earth you think that anybody that is going to be responsible for dropping a nuke anywhere is listening to that speech the answer is absolutely not okay and so that'd be smart girls and don't put yourself in vulnerable positions with disagreeable shitheads very good okay so okay situation of right away yeah by the way the research literature clearly shows that there is one characteristic that is uh that will absolutely predict who's going to be a rapist about better than anything else and that's narcissism okay which is effectively hi disagree ability this is that that is what that is and if you add add a little emotional instability to this so guys a little volatile there's disagreeable guys out there but they're they're steady enough and they may be high conscientious that's just a real tough lawyer and they're not going to rape anybody but when you lower the conscientiousness to people that are quote really a real bad boy not not just a bad boy kind of a prosecutor at the DA's office he's a tough guy know that guy that guy if he's a he's upstanding lawyer he's a tough guy but he's but he's yeah he will defend you and he'll do the right thing I'm talking about a real bad boy okay with that has a that has a little sociopathic streak in there and and if you're attracted to that and that the volatility and that dominance you are asking yourself to get into trouble and bad that's that narcissism that you must pay attention to because those are the dangerous ones okay and if anybody wants to hear more about these different personality characteristics that dr. Lisle just mentioned we have a couple of podcasts back it's called understanding your personality we go over in better detail what is disagreeable mean and what is conscientiousness and all those different bell curves okay so let's go over the second situation so this is from a woman she said my lease is ending soon and if I've asked my best friend Joe who's thirty year old male to move in with me we've been closed for about four years and I think we should get along very well as roommates before asking Joe to move in I had a discussion about it with my boyfriend of one and a half years now I think my boyfriend is awesome and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship we're building and in the interest of full disclosure I confessed that Joe and I the guy moving in with kissed a few years ago but that was it I have no romantic interest in Joe and ultimately my boyfriend was supportive and said he was okay with Joe moving in but since then my family led by my father has intervened and said that this is a terrible idea and if Joe moves in I should consider my relationship with my boyfriend over my dad says that Alex won't that my boyfriend won't have jack because he's a good guy but no man would honestly be okay with this no matter how much he trusts his girlfriend he says I'm putting myself in a position where things can go wrong now my family doesn't usually comment to my relationships so this is why I'm taking their advice very seriously I told Alex what they said but he brushed it off and said he really doesn't mind I intend to talk things out with my boyfriend again later this week and probably show him this this this information is my dad right or is my boyfriend just playing cool by not objecting and she tell my friend that he can't move in and is it possible that my boyfriend is actually ok with my with with Joe moving in alright this is a the correct way to view this is to not be dr. Laura and feel like you know everything in this we're going to preach from the Bible the way to look at this is statistical so if we're going to try to figure out what the right decisions are in life what you want to do is you want to be on the right side of statistics you want to play smart so that's why you don't gamble your life savings on one stock no matter how promising some analyst thinks it is the right thing to do is to try to play intelligently and have the optimal risk reward relationships guide your decision-making now in this case I can understand the young woman's confusion the she sounds like she sounds like releases up there for I don't know what that means that she needs to find a roommate to afford the place that she's living in now statistically let's talk about what's happening if she and this guy kissed four years ago then their mate value is relatively equivalent or that kiss never would have taken place so if she's an eight and he's a four she never would have kissed him okay so the point is is that they are reasonably equivalent in terms of mate value or that wouldn't be a bad situation now I would agree that she honestly intersects and can tell that she has no interest in this guy and and because her boyfriend is picking up those cues from her he is very confident he's being honest - he's like I don't see a problem okay so everybody's playing honest in all probability the problem is is that our friend Joe over there if he kissed this girl four years ago and they're friends I mean he is unlikely to have zero sexual interest in her unless she goes on to tell us that he's gay and the kiss was experimental to try to turn him okay the that if it's not okay if that's not the circumstances then it's I've never I don't recall kissing a girl in my lifetime that I didn't want to sleep with okay and so as a result she appears to qualify for him in terms of a in terms of a sex partner this is now a bad idea because Joe are the friend here is going to be going to sleep at night with a perfectly good set of eggs that he's already really friendly with you know 1215 feet away and that's going to like percolate that's going to be like Chinese water torture dripping on his forehead trying to get him to do something about it now what he's going to do about it is going to 90% of his psychology is going to be honest and just be decent guy and 10% of it he's going to be running a little ad campaign against the boyfriend and a little ad campaign for himself okay and so the dad of course has seen enough of life to know that that that this is exactly the kind of situation where all hell breaks loose and statistically I would say the odds are that they get away with it but that isn't the point now is it the point is what's the best decision not is this a decision that we can get away with if we have a basketball game where the game is on the line and we've got a 95 percent free-throw shooter and we've got a 60 percent free-throw shooter and we can choose which one we're going to have shoot our free-throws the right one to pick us the 95 percent free-throw shooter so we go with the odds this is a bad odds situation you can better believe that this what young woman's relationship with her boyfriend is going to have its ups and downs and you can better believe when it has its downs that right there she's going to she's going to be using other Minds including her friend Joe right there's going to be real handy as a guidance system to try to analyze who is being fair who was being unfair what what decisions should she make about it when she does that is going to have a conflict of interest in this he's like a judge trying to judge a company where he holds a bunch of the stock okay so he's not going to recuse himself from this he's going to his Stone Age brain is going to say oh I'll be all sympathetic and all you know son of a gun it just so happens that he sees things her way in this conflict and it sees that it helps drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend and lo and behold a year from now that she and the boyfriend have broken up and then lo and behold on the rebound there's Joe so the problem is is that this is not a benign relationship with respect to her other relationship and she shouldn't do it now if it turns out that they've got some kind of rush rush urgency behind their financial situation and she needs to get have help and have somebody move in right away and he needs a place to live and my attitude is no problem having to move in for a month or two okay while he finds another place they get settled down she interviews the roommates and gets some female in there so that that is the appropriate way to do that decision it is not a time bomb that's with a short fuse so I'm not worried about a couple of months but I am definitely worried about a longer term situation there and it's it's not smart you'll get away with it a whole bunch of times and a lot of people do but it's a it's a losing strategy and I wouldn't do it wonderful that's uh sounds like something my dad would say yeah something seen something similar with my sisters but okay situation number three okay situation number three this is from a man my wife and I met in our early 20s now we used to be so happy and attract to each other we would be active go for walks play tennis etc she's always had a couple extra pounds probably putting her in the middle of overweight on the BMI chart now I've always found her very attractive and she never looked big to me I have an athletic body type and I put in a lot of effort to keep it that way but she's also struggled with depression and anxiety her whole life but since our child who's five was born she's been a totally different person her depressions out of control she'll rarely leave the house unless it's with me or another person she's seeing doctors taking medications for this but it still continues now the problem is she's gained at least a hundred pounds mainly from not eating all day then loading up on whatever convenient junk food or takeout food is around she also won't get off the couch even if the house was burning down and the fire hasn't quite made it there yet our kid goes to daycare three times a week and as soon as I come home from work I'm the one playing with the kid picking him up taking out dinner I picking up takeout dinner and taking care of the dog and trying to clean up the mess of a house she leaves she now she's starting to get these constant aches and pains in her joints due to all her extra weight which causes her to be even more lazy in Catron to top this all off at around say 10 o'clock at night she'll ask me to grab her a soda or whatever the next time I get up and gets pissed at me when I fall asleep on the couch and I don't get what she asked for I'm thinking get up and get it yourself yeah I've said this to her and it makes it usually just makes her even more mad there are also some major other issues that have popped up over the years for example she hasn't been able to hold down a job which puts incredible strain on our finances I just don't know what I should do there are times when I just want to break it off but I think of our child and my heart just breaks and that's where those thoughts end don't get me wrong it's not all misery and we do have some really great days where she seems fine and all as well but it seems like the next bad week or month is just looming around the corner what do I do well that sounds like it doesn't sound like a true story and it sounds like not sounds like a lot of us contrived but in the there's a caricature of the relationship here the guy that's in a situation where the woman is just dysfunctional shouldn't be thinking a little bit about leaving it should be on his head 24/7 and and what we really have is we have a what's being described here is an extremely dysfunctional woman and if this is in fact a real life listener with a real-life problem then then I'm going to suggest that the relationship is not the issue here the issue is is that this woman is in pretty bad shape psychologically and so you cannot really have much of a relationship with someone who is in incredible trouble so what's being described here a lot of people would say oh this is poor postpartum depression and so forth but really this is all nonsense the truth of the matter is is that this is a this is a person in real trouble and and this didn't this didn't happen in a vacuum so I am not sure what all the circumstances are anybody that's now hundred pounds overweight and is 30 years old and can't hold down a job and is on a bunch of psychiatric medications which by the way are our big trouble and so if anyone is interested they should this should read a book called anatomy of an epidemic by Robert Whittaker and if my wife was in this kind of mess that would be the first book that I would read so that I would come to understand how problematic the psychiatric medications are and they could drive and basically keep a person in in a tar pit it's very hard for them to get out of so human beings by nature are not dismissal and so if they are this miserable there's a reason and so this person this gal needs some some decent cognitive behavioral therapy she needs to be off of her psychiatric medications but that has to take place slowly and very slowly and early and very intelligently with guidance and she needs to put her life back together and this person our guy here needs to understand that this is this is what needs to happen and so hopefully they have health insurance if he has a job and so she will be able to get cognitive behavioral therapy which is going to be the best the best therapy style that's going to be the most helpful for her and all probability and this woman needs to we need to see if this woman can dig her way out of what is in fact a very deep hole okay and and she should be able to we should definitely the next year it should be quite possible for this woman to turn her life around now when that happens we will you know we'll see what kind of relationship this looks like at the end of it but for right now I wouldn't be evaluating the relationship or said I would be considering this to be a five-star emergency for this individual person and if if no moves can be made she won't she won't take any initiative to follow a path that is paved in front of her for help if she winds up being just like I said a caricature of negativity and no motivation that of course person has to consider leaving that relationship and don't worry you don't worry too much about the impact on children your job as a parent if you break up a relationship is to be very kind and supportive and as stable as possible to everybody involved and children adapt quite well to that scenario if that's the way that we have to go okay well very interesting yeah you know I was looking at this lens of course not a professional thinking like all right this guy's just in a bad situation you know let's get it out but this is a really interesting perspective that she's the one that's actually dealing with this really sad emergency yes she's in she's in she's living a life that at five percentile relative to her her potential we don't know why and she clearly needs some some expert guidance to take her by the hand and lead her out of a maze and will bad bets that's what needs to be done okay all right so our next our next story here our next situation and this is from a woman who's dating her boyfriend so my boyfriend Steve and I have been together for over a year now and things are great between the two of us but after moving back home and closer to Steve I realized that many of my friends from home have grown apart or moved away so I didn't really have any close friends so I started joining meetup groups and connecting with new people and I'm slowly rebuilding my social circle and whenever my friends and I go out I always invite my boyfriend however he seems reluctant to join us or annoyed by these new friends now they're all really nice people so there's no reason to be annoyed with them it's really upsetting because I constantly try to include him and he couldn't care less about hanging out with all of us now Steve my boyfriend is a part of a club for sports leagues and he frequently goes out with friends of this group both male and female but I'm never invited I get that my boyfriend and girlfriend should have lives outside of each other but I feel like it's a slap in the face that I continue to invite him out and I have yet to meet his friends from this social group should I bring it to his attention that I would like to be invited at least once so I can meet these people or should I just drop it and stop inviting him out yeah well we begin with the first sentence that says something like things are great between my boyfriend and I and I can I can say that that is clearly not the case they're not even close to great so this is the first thing that we check before we before we leap to the inference that he is that he is essentially stringing her along not that interested in her and and this is a short intermediate mating strategy for him but he fundamentally doesn't care that much about the human because that's how he's behaving this is before we leap to that conclusion there is one thing that we should check and that is we should definitely integrate ourselves with his sports people and we want to be very integrated with those sports people so we want to make sure that everybody there knows her and that they know that they're a couple and that their public displays of affection between to them while they're at their sports things etc now the if she's never been invited generally sports are a place where males are very interested in displaying to females whom they're attracted to so the dynamics of the world are some guy that plays softball with his buddies would love to have his girlfriend come watch it's the girlfriend thinking I don't want to go watch your stupid softball game I'm not interested okay so this is not what I'm hearing I'm here hearing that he is essentially hiding her as a mate and he it doesn't he doesn't seem to really care about that that she goes and does things on her own which means that he is not interested in guarding her as a mate so he's he is essentially shielding his social group from the fact that he has a mate and he is not caring if she is in fact meeting up with a new social group where he can't keep track of her so this looks to me like a guy who's not that invested and my alarm bells are way going off in terms of her power in this relationship so the advice is that quit worrying about your own little social group and his reaction to that maybe he's just introverted and disagreeable and therefore he can only hang with the people that he already knows so we will give him a break and say that that's all that is and then we're going to however insist that you get very integrated with his sports people and we're going to do that for several months and if he gives you pushback about this then you are learning something tremendous about his interest in this relationship in other words if he pushes back on you becoming integral integrated with these sports people this is an indictment of his interest in you and you should get out now and this way I'm curious if your advice would be similar I mean if if they've been together shorter for a shorter period of time for instance like they've been together for over a year whereas point do you recommend that that starts to happen to integration of the social circle is a three-month exact time you know yeah I would say this that it's fair for a guy to be careful with everybody's feelings about this and you have have a relationship be relatively private for for a few weeks the now most guys are not really that way so most guys are very interested if they're if they're proud of the girl and they think they're in love with her they're fine showing the world that this is their girl they want to be seen with this girl the however there are a few people myself included that actually are want to want to have the dynamics of a relationship out from the scrutiny and the feedback of family and friends other words I don't want to hear anybody's opinion about anything I want to quietly get to know somebody and I don't want to have any anybody pushing at my psychology about this so I am I will move slowly on that and so it might be two or three months before I would introduce a woman to my social circle at all and then I'm going to be selective about that etc so however I've gotten feedback over the years that sometimes people felt that that I was not that into them and that is why I was doing that and they were slightly insulted and I have to tell you that there was truth in that there was theirs absolutely it was absolutely true that I was not so sure how interested I was and I was taking my sweet time and so and maybe I was pretty interested but I didn't want to go through the rigmarole of building up a social expectation that I was going to then have to unwind so there are reasons for a guy to take it somewhat slow but a year is ridiculous okay here is a completely ridiculous and if a guy is and particularly if a guy has a significant social group and he does not invite the female to it this is this is the hallmark of a male who is hiding that female so that he can pursue other possible relationships in a separate social domain and that sounds like what is happening here and so we will make the test by her pushing the envelope pushing her way into that social group and we'll find out how he reacts to that to that he had for all we know there's the mysterious couples problem of poor communication that we talked about last time as being so ludicrous and so there's a possibility that he would be delighted that he has been too quiet and and humble to assume that she would want to be join his social group and so perhaps if she expresses that interest and enthusiasm for this maybe he will be delighted to show off his athletic prowess and show her off to his friends I doubt it like hell but but he is uh he is not guilty until he's guilty so we we will pursue this and find out what happens wonderful okay so our last situation this one's a little bit long so if you--if we want to analyze this and it takes a little bit longer we can continue next show and continue off so you just let me know if we want to spend some more time on this okay the story is this is a male and he's okay here we go my wife and I are from a South Asian background I met her through my mom actually because my mom called in her parenting tips and told me that she would not die peacefully unless I married someone from our background now before meeting this woman I made sure to keep myself attractive I followed my dreams have a high-paying career kept working out in college till I got my physique as close to the celebrity as possible and have different hobbies and so before meeting my wife I had a few of few relationships with women from all kinds of different cultural backgrounds and I had a really healthy and interesting sex life but this all came to an abrupt stop when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer it's a bit of a wake-up call for her and has her traditional responsibilities she wanted me to find a wife before she passed away so I told her about the girlfriend I had at the time but my mom was adamant that she wanted me to only marry someone from our cultural background so that's how she introduced me to my current wife so I met my current wife one and a half years ago and I didn't go into it resenting her or my mom for that matter because I understood where my mom was coming from she and my dad had done everything in their power to provide the best life for me in the Western world so the least I could do was maintain our tradition for one more generation so I kept an open mind and I soon came to realize that I I really clicked with my wife so we went on about 15 dates over the course of six months we kissed multiple times but I never wanted to attempt to have sex in case word got back to her parents or mine she would always say that I had a great body amongst all the South Asian guys she'd seen so at least I knew she was sexually attracted to me then both of our parents did a status update found out we both liked each other and told us to proceed with marriage arrangements I wouldn't have thought I could be so lucky to meet a girl from my background like my wife because I literally had never seen a girl from this type of cultural background as pretty nice and considered as she was so after we got married we moved in together and began our lives I did my best to be the best husband that I could didn't ask her for much help with chores take care of the food her taking care of the food me taking care of cleaning I kept up with my Casanova days and made sure to bring her flowers over a few days desserts surprise dates and jewelry but our sex life was another issue I think this is where I made the mistake and should at least tried to initiate sex when we were dating so I could set my expectations she asked me on our wedding night how many women I'd been with I told her I'd slept with about eight women with relationships and I have about ten one-night stands when I asked her the same question she laughed it off and said I'm not as slutty as you are so in my mind I thought she probably only had sex with one or two guys a handful of times so another marriage we'd have sex a few times a week but it was often me putting in all most of the effort and she only wanted to try two of the most common positions I asked you to try some new things like oral sex or anal sex or other but she said all that stuff was dirty and that she wasn't as slutty as I was so instead of being bothered I kept up my self focused and just kept treating treating my wife like the queen that I thought she is however over the last year she's put them on put on about 20 pounds I don't bring it up but it just feels like one side just another sign that she isn't putting us equal and effort at as I am to be attractive to each other she isn't putting in the same effort as I am as in my past relationships where girlfriends would at least give me would bake me something or shove something to show me their appreciation me the big problem is I recently discovered a secret she had I was fixing her computer as a surprise and I stumbled upon a of different videos I opened the first one and looked like she was holding the camera and a man standing behind her the name of the video was called bar pick up number three so she set the camera down and proceeded to have foreplay and then sex everything I saw in the video was what she didn't do with me but she was doing with this man the whole nine yards it hurt me inside I went through all the videos in total I counted about 27 different men with 50 different videos the problem is my wife had called me a slut for sleeping with half as many women most in longer term relationships and here she was taking videos of herself having sex with bar pick up number three so I told my why come fronted her and she had a big breakdown at first she accused me of snooping and digging around in her private life but I was simply trying to surprise her with a fixed computer and I told her that I now I understood why she wasn't willing to try something new because she was probably burnt out from all the bar can pick up she had in the past so she started crying and admitted to it all saying that she was just exploring her sexuality I was frustrated so I slept on the couch in the following week I didn't try to initiate sex at all I felt cheated and betrayed my wife told me a few times that she's going to try and remember how to give oral sex and do anal sex and all that stuff but I just told her I need some time to think about it on top of this she started bringing up how we need to start thinking about children what should I do I want to work on our relationship but I feel betrayed I don't really feel attracted to her anymore some of it's because of the weight gain but now it's more so that she lied to me about her sex life and how far I saw she was willing to go with complete strangers versus me her husband what should I do I feel like I put in so much effort and I get so little out of it well sounds like a very exciting bizarre story and let's uh let's break this down in from a few perspectives the first perspective is that that this is a very funny-looking relationship and it doesn't it doesn't line up with the human potential of what I call romantic love it's not even close and it's no surprise really since these people met under these haywire constrained cultural expectations circumstances and this reminds me of a lot of you are you're very a lot of cultures are are very backwards with respect to human freedom and they're very backwards financially for example and so the backwards the horrendous financial circumstances that much of the world has faced wind up reflecting the high expense biological expense of sexuality that I refer to earlier and they have made for essentially people saying look life is really rough into what we're going to do is we're going to we're going to try to organize it for you because you're too young and stupid to know what you're doing and so we're going to try to make sure that everybody's got enough money and that will grease the wheels of life as best as possible as we're going to as a family dictate how you're going to reproduce your Jin's so the first mistake is that this guy listened to his mother so if you if you listen your mother and take advice from your mother on anything about marriage you're asking for trouble so you got trouble yeah so he got all kinds of trouble so apparently he goes and marries this girl after you know few months courtship but we get married for God's sake instead of said it's spending sounds like he's probably in his 20s or so so instead of spending two or three years with the gal ad having a romantic relationship with her and having sex with her for a couple three years and deciding and then at that point folks you don't get married you find out if you are marriage if it's worth anything is psychological it's got nothing to do with the government it's got nothing to do with the law it has to do with who you are as people and what you think of each other and whether or not you have decided after vetting this person for a thousand is whether or not you are on their team and by god you want to be there and you don't want to be anywhere else that's what a marriage is now other people don't do it that way they have their mother tell them what they ought to do and then they wind up in a mess like this so clearly what we have is we have a young woman who for whatever reasons she it's amazing to me that any woman that had 27 sex partners on videotape is a woman that married who her parents thought she should marry in a traditional relationship this is like one of the most haywire things I've ever heard and it doesn't add up but we're going to just suppose that it does add up so clearly we have an individual with with some pretty weird circuits inside that head and so that is not a very evolved self-aware human and therefore what we have is a we've got a haywire relationship so my way of thinking is now you know thank goodness that there's no children yet so therefore we can back up and you know you know how there's an old saying that there's never time to do it right but there's always time to do it over you know that's view if you hurry and nail a 2x4 up in your house in the wrong place it's going to screw it up and you're going to have to pull it out and you measure it right and do it right the second time so as far as I'm concerned this guy right now doesn't have much of a relationship he really doesn't know who the hell this person is very well and what they ought to consider is that they're dating that they're not married and we'll see whether or not they become married as they now actually find out about each other and that they they bring the bring the communication here to reality so this is if this is truth and if this is a true story it's unlikely that this girl has the chops to do this our guy sounds a little bit naive and young and and maybe a little bit a little bit overly agreeable and almost a stereotype for for this sort of culture and so he's taken his mom's direction and he's taken it to heart and he's worked hard to get a high paying job etc so he's obviously got some intelligence so I'm going to speak to that intelligence right now that you you've not found the love of your life yeah that's not what this is and it would be a cool thing to do to both of you to pretend that this is true just because parents watch you go through a wedding ceremony okay probably the right thing to do is to get divorced and then find out then find out whether if you feel like dating each other because you just can't keep away from each other okay people that are married you can put wars in between them you can you could have bombs going off you can have tragedies in the middle and great great problems and great losses and it will not keep them from each other because they know they're married okay that they are the best of friends and that they're attracted to each other and they don't want to be with anybody else okay so this is not what this is this is not even close to what this is so now I'll get real is supposed to cheeky and I'll tell you what you do I'd quit having sex whether I wouldn't have sex with her again nobody's going to die of a lack of sexual activity so just take the next four to six months and get to know each other as people talk about everything and what's on the table here is to say look where we are right now we don't have a romantic love relationship but let's get to know each other really well let's find out let's fight for it if it's worth fighting for and if it's not worth fighting for if people aren't really motivated to really step up and communicate about who they are and what they really want in life and give it their very best to try to earn it then we're done and we should get divorced call this a bad date bad idea bad decision and and move on because there is promise out there for appropriate relationship for both people and most importantly for this this individual who's very sincere and trying to do it right
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