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Episode 172: On air session, Dating a salesman
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okay so I have been single for a little over a year now I was in a 12-year relationship and so anyways I entered the dating world I started dating probably November of last year and it's been kind of a nightmare but um yeah so I guess where I should start is I found chef AJ and you and dr. Goldhamer a couple years back so I kind of lived the lifestyle I mean I eat house chef AJ eats and I quit drinking alcohol um oh I don't know it's been on and off for the past couple years but pretty much off for two years and I had when I started dating again um I had friends tell me well how are you going to go on dates like you don't eat like normal people you won't go out and have a drink like what are you gonna do and I thought oh my goodness they're right so I made the decision in my mind that I was like okay I can go out and have a drink with a date and that'll be fine um but the problem is I guess it's kind of this dance I've been doing between my internal audience and then the village I guess so to speak so my internal audience was going like this is terrible like you know you know what this is doing to your body and plus I've always been um hyper sensitive or hyper conscientious about the fluctuations in my weight and I in my mind I said well I'll just tell myself so what if it's a couple pounds like it's worth it for me to just feel normal because sometimes I feel so abnormal for living the way that I live but I did actually I said okay well what would dr. Lisle tell me to do so I ran an experiment and I and I you know said I'll see how I feel and at the end of December I felt really just rotten and terrible and I felt that kind of self disgust just with myself and so it's kind of been this tug and pull where I don't know what's more important I guess because it seems like I had one guy tell me I kind of mentioned it was towards the end when I said okay I'm not going to go and drink any more on dates like I'm just going to be upfront about this is kind of my lifestyle now and I had one guy tell me oh I'm sorry like I'm looking for somebody fun and then I thought like that really crushed me and it was interesting because your last podcast you were talking about the pseudo esteem and I thought well why is this so important to me when I've never even met this guy but then I've also had guys make comments about you know like being grilled about the way that I eat or things like that so I guess that's my first question is I I don't know what's more important is my internal because I also feel it I think a little bit more than others because I'm overly agreeable or I'm being more agreeable so it's very painful to me I guess when the village disapproves of what I'm doing or when I don't fit in so that's kind of where I'm stuck at and I don't know I my question I guess that's my question is like the balance between my internal audience and then the feedback I'm getting from you know potential mates right so what we want to seek is a position of power and position of power comes with thinking through the mental operations and thinking through the what would take place under the worst-case scenario and once we have we have really thought that through and we analyze what we would do under the worst-case scenario then we can proceed with a better understanding of what's at stake so what we try to do is we we try to minimize the conflict in our values so we've got what's important to us there there's usually more than one thing at once and oftentimes for pushing against each other so you would want to be viewed as easygoing by potential mates because you are easygoing and agreeable so you want to demonstrate that and if they quote you know ie a person that's fun rather than maybe prim proper controlling bitchy you know unimaginative and not know openness so in other words you want to you want to have an advertisement that is a good facsimile or an ad that is is going to match up pretty well with the truth that's what you're trying to get across you wouldn't want to be ruled out unnecessarily by somebody that Miss reads the cues the that that would be what I would consider the most direct plumb line or the most the that we want to walk is we want to actually get the most accurate ad and the problem is is that now no there's other we have other motivations so we have another motivation that would say hey tell compromise your you know how it is that you feel about yourself physically and how your internal audience feels about your your choices so that's another issue and and yet another issue is we would actually want to be accepted as being fun and unrestrictive and open and all this sort of thing in other words we would want to maximize our potential market in the mating market so we've got actually multiple agendas and the what we want to do is we want to sort of think through what is the most appropriate compromise for those agendas would it be to show that we are open and relaxed and accepting and and then self-indulgence like everybody else in order to make sure that they don't make mistake and see us as sort of bitchy and controlling and narrow and closed when we're not okay do we want to make sure we wide open first and then narrow it later around these more specific issues and that as so if we find somebody that we like that would be one strategy okay another strategy would be to would be to actually go to the effort of trying to get it communicated by our words and our other displays that the the sort of narrowness and self-discipline that's involved in some of these diet lifestyle choices does not extend itself to being judgmental and difficult generally okay so that would be a more accurate portrayal I would assume as to what it is that we're trying to get across so that takes a little more essentially a little more possibly planning practice and more than anything else it requires an understanding of where we're trying to get to in these social interactions now a position of power comes from when when it is that we have looked at the worst case scenario and we figured out that we can live with it so let's talk about this for a second beyond the worst-case scenario would be that you were if you were if you were to do what we make your internal audience feel good and make you do things that would be those that you feel better physically and mentally as a result of it largely then it would be to be more self disciplined about these issues and the result could be that you could get rejected by a lot of people so one of the one of the things we need to think through is okay so we are okay so what's the worst possible thing that could happen so let's you and I think that through right now and think through if you come across as self discipline and restrictive in quote diet and lifestyle domains generally what's the worst thing that could happen I I don't know I could not find anybody that that finds that appealing because it seems to be like off-putting to the large majority of people that I've come across I mean maybe not necessarily one that I've actually met but maybe they didn't meet you know my standards so I moved on so yeah I guess the worst possible scenario is me just being alone forever huh yeah that's the worst kiss now now let's let's change that up just a little bit it's not as if we have a fork in the road and we have to take one fork and never go back and take the other fork so for example we could we could decide that we are going to present ourselves you know for the next six months on the next you know ten guys that we need then we're going to present matter-of-factly and directly about how it is that we and we're not drinking alcohol and this is what it is that we eat and that's how that's just decisions we've made okay and if they cross examine us as to why we could be ready in ways that would indicate that we're not judgmental about anybody else and that's you know we could do that and we can see what happens you know if it turns out that all ten just you know say you know what you seem like you're nice to everything but I'm just afraid you're going to be a controlling bitch so even though I was super interested in you it turns out that that those decisions about your diet lifestyle issues and how you communicated those can't do it okay we get if we get that feedback consistently from the market then we can decide hmm not so good you know I mean maybe that's too expensive of a strategy and we need to modify it right so the last thing I care about is one dude who says that you're you know he wants somebody fun really okay go damn gay to heroin addict hooker then she's a lot of fun okay like what do we care what the hell do we care okay so want one of the things that we have to watch out for is the Stone Age brain thinking we've only got like 13 options so feeling like we're in a tiny little village and when one guy thinks negatively of us because we're no fun he's going to talk tell all the other guys in the village that's his decision about us and that's going to be our reputation it's ludicrous okay so what town do you live in yeah somewhere somewhere more than 50 thousand people yeah yeah okay all right so you live in a plain Ohio thank God in Ohio big town in Ohio okay so none of these guys are ever going to know each other okay and if they did there's certainly not talk about you and there is no there's no reputational issue here it's irrelevant this is going to be a case-by-case individual by individual basis and if there's someone that was disturbed and offended by these lifestyle decisions even though we are being smooth and how it is that we communicate that this is what we do and kind of a little bit as to why then you know what as far as I'm concerned we could we'll see whether that we can live with the worst case scenario that every fool is going to be that way thank you so I can tell you that from women on the other side of the equation I know for sure they're not that judgmental because I've been out with a slew of them okay and so when I when I tell the waiter no thanks and and and I say would you like a glass of wine and they have a glass of wine and I don't and I get cross-examined I just say yeah just yeah just something I've never been into real something Hey huh just uh you know sometimes I've been cross-examined about whether I ever had a drinking problem once in a blue moon I'm cross-examine blog on that and I say no I just never into it okay mm-hmm done not a problem and I'm telling you if anybody said well I want somebody fun I'd be like hey how about it okay there's a lot 900,000 other old geezers just like me that you can pick from that are falling down drunk tonight you're in the Bay Area ya know get lost yeah yeah so I mean thank you thanks for thanks for signaling your utter lack of respect for your body well that's what I told myself I said well in the long run you really just saved me you know three hours of my life that I would never run back because we probably would have nothing in common anyways but so quickly I I don't need to be forthcoming about I mean like offer that information up until I'm in that situation where I don't order a drink or I order something different from the menu and then when they ask me talk about just you know why it is or you know I'm playing a little technical data really downplayed okay so uh you know when it whenever I would go on a date I would I would just order you know pasta marinara and some steamed vegetables etc and tell them no cheese and then I I might get do you like a vegetarian or vegan I'd say yeah pretty much yeah no big deal just uh I don't fit me I did I go ahead oh I'm sorry you know for me I get um so I don't even eat pasta you know I find potatoes and salad so vegetables so I guess there's a lot of places I mean especially in Ohio that I can't find something to eat which causes me anxiety but I suppose I could try you know another experiment and say well if it makes me feel better to you know order something somewhat you know quote-unquote normal I guess and other people's eyes and not have to you know explain myself away the first date I don't know I would say this the is there anything at restaurants where you can eat eat off the conventional menu like Asian food Thai food anything like that yes Asian - there's always the rice and veggies that I can get sushi with just you know vegetables and stuff like yeah yeah so just tell just tell the tell the fool that that's what you want to do okay so if they invite you out you say I love to what I really like is you know what Chinese food Japanese food Thai food something like that that'd be great okay just cause um okay ah that way they would just soon not have to think this through and try to guess what you would like we tell them exactly what time they need to go and we go there and then we order are are healthy Asian food and we're fine mm-hmm yeah okay yep around that yeah so that is great so then I had another question so it's kind of a nightmare sifting through I'm trying to find who the casual manners are and the pair of partners so I think part of me wants to what am I trying to say like write stuff off and say no no no no I think there really could be a pair of bonder so I guess I'm um I know like the 10 paid date rule but I haven't actually really gotten that far with the people that I've been on dates with there's one person in particular that I was really interested in and he was really forthcoming with information I mean things about his past and was you know very clearly casual made her from a young age he's about 10 years older than me and wasn't you know wasn't faithful to his actually had been with for a while but then all of a sudden he's realized he wants a relationship and um you know he doesn't want to sleep around anymore and so I'm really I don't know I guess I'm wondering if it's possible for if it's like a dynamic scale if it's possible for a casual manner and all of a sudden switch and one to para blonde or is that something that I don't know like is it a front to try and get other things because he's read me like the type of person I am does that question make sense well actually you're you're confusing a couple of different things so there's there's a little bit confusion here so we're going to kind of kind of clear a few things up this isn't a question of a guy that's a casual Nader versus a para bonder he's a cheater different okay hey there's a lot of people that maybe that may play casual mating strategy for even long periods of time but that doesn't make them unfaithful partners mm-hmm okay big difference so this guy this guy's admitting to the fact that he was in relationships and cheated on people least once okay the maybe multiple times so that's a big red flag I would say the odd now that doesn't mean a person's a criminal just means that it's exceedingly likely to happen again in the future and and I'm never a believer in oh well now I really learned the error of my ways I'm going to turn over very okay that is it how it works or something drastic about me that you just finally seen the light oh yeah right so now the the difference here is that you can have someone who's whose life has been dominated by causal mating but then meets somebody and feels completely different about the situation so now it's like finally you've made of an offer they can't refuse okay so that's different but this this guy with his history you know this is a pretty checkered history I would say probably and you know not that you I I would still certainly I'd be playing this guy ten paid dates all the way and smoke out smoke our way through his self-delusional you know uh Hera bond advertisement and see what happened okay and uh turns out that that all you get is very strong pair bond signals then you know if you're really into the guy then what the hell you take a shot at it but you're uh you're my what what's your he's about ten years older than you and what's his age um he'll be 40 I think and yeah really okay yeah so the two of you yeah so you're 30 ish so as a result of the um you've got a little bit of time to burn on something that looks very exciting but not a lot of time to burn depended upon which thinking and feeling about having kids um that's interesting because I have one one child she's almost three and I thought I was done after that but then I thought I think now that maybe that was due to the relationship that I was in so since I've been out in single and I've been dating I got this baby fever again and I've bought kind of one another baby and he said at first that he was not interested at all because he has an 18 year old and then and I kind of said why to go either way which I really I think I could but there is something you know deep down I kind of wants to have another child mm-hmm yeah well uh yeah I would I would simply say I mean I'm not not in the habit of trying to play crystal ball with a given relationship dynamics the the what we want to do is we want to play reasonable strategy and so reasonable strategy is that that if we're really into somebody and we're getting all the cues that they're really into us then great and we you play that thing out and you know it either gets better it gets worse and I work the I think one of the most remarkable mistakes that I will see people make over and over again is that there's plenty of evidence you know three to six months in that it's not very good and it's it's clearly not getting better in other words the people are not feeling like they're quote married psychologically and feeling like their best friend feeling like that as far as they can tell you know they wouldn't want to live without each other now that's not how they're feeling they're in a negotiation process their quote trying to work on their relationship and they're having some good times but there's conflict like you know I that's the situation you're in the wrong place for for anything wrong so the I think it's more about being alert to the cues that are that actually quite evident and how is that we feel and how that partner is reacting to us okay so I am if I've already how do I put this if you already had access to my eggs okay what has happened yeah then oh my god I guess in my mind I know in my mind I'm thinking is it confusing me and my stone-age brain because I'm thinking okay well now I've got this risk of you know whatever but he has still been pursuing me even though I tried to kind of cut it off a couple times because I've been concerned about these red flags so his relentless pursuit kind of makes me wonder like well maybe he is really pair-bonding or maybe it's like this thing that he can't crack like you can't get to me or you know I I don't know why you think look to me no Kay let's it shouldn't really be that confusing so let's see if you're going to overthinking this okay so you guys have been going together for how long um a little over two months okay two months alright so been together we've been hanging out for two months and the and so what what are the red flags that are bothering you um he's displayed like very early on kind of used the word you know love um just kind of how he talks about other women like I'm kind of insecure as it is and like I said you know is very open and honest about his past with women and like a part of me I don't want to judgement that if he's you know being so honest um what are some other red flags I guess why I've tried to cut it off several times um he finds ways to contact me and um I want a second I don't know I've had oh go ahead um let's talk about we've got very recent data here so we should be able to go through your memory banks and get some clarity on some things what was the first time you tried to cut it off and why what were you thinking and feeling um oh gosh let me when was the first time oh oh so this is kind of a big piece of information so when we first got together he said he was not interested in dating anybody else and he only wanted to date me and he had always dated multiple girls at once but why would he confuse himself because he found what he wanted and I had are you made the decision I was taking a break from dating because it was exhausting and it's like a nightmare it felt like but I had kept talking to him so I just had this funny feeling because he would kind of go radio silent sometimes like just different texting or you know whatever what's the word I'm looking for you know frequency and there was one day that I just had this feeling and I logged on and there he was active on the dating site and I just said you know what thank you but no thank you like I don't I did I never asked him you know to do this but I said that's a lie and that's kind of like a red flag to me so then I got rid of I blocked him and everything and then he kind of wanted me throw end a lot slow down for me so let me get this straight so this is quite really in the relationship and let me ask so had you guys slept together at this point yeah oh you hadn't okay so you haven't slept together at this point but he's telling you that he in the past he don't dated multiple people at once but now he wasn't going to do that because he's found the one and he's all-in right okay so he does this and then you as this must be what two weeks in three weeks in how deep are we in here um maybe yeah maybe a week or two after we had met because we had talked for a couple weeks before we got a chance to meet okay so you talked a couple tot weeks then then you meet okay and then and then what at this first meeting he slobbering all over himself and telling him yeah yeah okay yeah that's yeah hey I'm the one yeah go ahead I'm sorry he did and that was another question I had was if someone whose pair bond material would try to sleep with you on the first day because that did happen that he tried and I said no um yeah so yes that's what happened okay so on the first day he says I've dated multiple people at once usually but now I wouldn't do that why would I do that I found the one and by the way let's have sex that goes down on date one that what I'm hearing mm-hmm yeah I think I think it is shortly after date one I just I got my timeline confused because if I go that but that's pretty pretty close okay all right close enough all right so so now let's we continue so we now go on for the next couple weeks and how often do you then see him do you see him like pretty soon after the first meeting tell me about where the first meeting sort of was was the dinner date what was it no it was actually I had just gotten back from vacation and I we I said I'm not I don't have any energy and I had to work that I say and I said I have to go grocery shopping and he said I'll meet you will go grocery shopping so we did and then I made a very foolish decision and said I have to take these groceries home and that was probably look seems like an open invitation because he came to my house which yeah okay so he came to validate that was her first day okay so it was not a paid day correct okay so pay date not rely on you in your house yeah using your house and we're putting away groceries and and then he's he's saying pretty casued like he's pretty gaga about you and he tries to sleep with you okay fair enough I mean that's casual mating 101 not that doesn't make anybody criminal just means that are you you qualified for casual mating okay all right so then tell me what happens after that yeah so then we saw each other pretty frequently and that week I don't remember how many times but it was pretty frequently and I slept with him pretty early on way before 10:00 mid date sure okay yeah that's all fine no no no crime there The Omen yelling go ahead oh I'm sorry to cut you off but then it happened a second time so like I said I don't remember the whole timeline of everything but it was again another time after we had been together that um I saw him it was after I the second time I saw him active on the dating site again and that was a second time that I freaked out okay so what you're telling me is after you slept with the guy and he's told you he doesn't sleep that he doesn't date multiple people because now there'd be no reason to now because he's finally found the one okay and now we see him on the dating site listen okay all right makes me a little crazy because I'm checking but I just had this suspicion and then he had excuses of course and of course of course I think what I think we know that he didn't really feel like you'd found the one that you know obviously so that's all come you know that's all reasonable you might say oh gosh what he found was he found a pretty good one it was worth sleeping with but you know that doesn't hurt to uh didn't hurt to check the market see if something a little bit better has come in here in the last week or so so that that you know that's fine but the point is is that what he's saying and what he's doing or certainly ad variance okay so it would be in a very expensive irresponsible thing to do that if you met somebody that you thought was fabulous and was paraben material why the hell would you go on the dating site and you your that's a that's a pretty ballsy irresponsible thing to do with your life there's a 40 year old guy who wants to settle down you've got a long you know checkered history with the females and you know nobody's been worth it to you to be exclusive all these years and now you meet the one okay what the hell are you doing on the dating site so that you can see that you're doing this yeah this is BS Isis calculating strategy that's what so then I guess why is he so hell-bent on keeping me like on the hook I don't a wild guess this guy a Salesman yes yeah yeah it's classic salesman what salesmen do so salesmen unlike normal people salesmen telepathic streak okay so exactly so they are going to keep pushing they're aggressive and they're going to not take no for an answer okay to explain is the realest person sure absolutely yeah I know this guy's a loser get rid of him okay um there we go and the funny thing today actually turn can be Jake's lesson learned I turned him on to this podcast and he's very very fond of you oh yeah there you go well hey you don't pass out just like that a good a really good crook actually loves a great detective yeah I can take and really appreciate somebody that can appreciate their art right or that you see right through you can tell what's going on so then okay as I go back out there so then um what I guess what I'm trying to detect like weed out the casual mater's you are things I want to try cuz I in my mind I thought well maybe if a pair of ponder is just really excited and they're just a man and like are they gonna kiss you and let their hands want or are they going to ask for you know pictures before they've even like you know after the first date because this is all stuff that I've experienced that makes my brain you know kind of go into overdrive trying to figure out are they just being a guy or are they casual mater's well here's the thing the when you start let me try to describe what you have inside of all males brains is you have two programs you have casual mating program and care bond programs so they all have both buttons inside their head yes so it's not like a guy's either a pair bond or a casual mating strategy player all of them label strategies okay now the let's suppose the these are both buttons are in there but the two things both genetic variation and the context of the situation gives rise to what it is that you see so for example the if it turns out that the jeans find themselves located inside of a body that is very handsome and suave then you can better believe that the casual mating strategy button will get hit a lot more often and that's because there's going to be opportunities for it okay if it turns out that it's found finds itself in kind of a nerdy body with a lot of ability for mathematics okay that it has that sort of a thing and not a lot of freaking social suave then it's likely that it's not going to get circumstances that will activate the casual mating chip and so it's not going to be in those circumstances it's not going to be getting positive feedback from females that casual mating might fly and so as a result it's going to have to play para bond strategy so now it could be because you could have nerd fish and could be and he the only legitimate chance he's got to play para bond strategy but he's so genetically bizarre that he just is absolutely a causal man player you know no matter what this is going to be a porn addict great you'll spend he'll spend his is dot-com money that he got in on in strippers okay he's not actually going to be pursuing cows for mating strategy at the bars because there'll be no possible way for him to translate that into any success so the so so keep in mind that males have both strategies in their heads so the when they meet somebody they find attractive they are the casual mating strategy is absolutely active hey the paramount strategy isn't necessarily active at all pair bond strategy comes about with a deeper analysis of the females Bren yeah he can't really be playing para bond strategy until he finds out what the hell's in that brain via so as a result he the pursuit of the eggs begins with cows are mating strategy that's where it starts okay that's why we want to stop it so unless you don't want to stop it okay if you're weak in the knees and you're it's the right time of the month for your hormones to be raging then hey what the hell just birth control and don't get infected but the point is is that if that's a waste of time for you then what you want to do is you want to put up the stop sign to the casual mating strategy button you want to shut it off okay so once we shut it off we find out whether or not the pair-bond strategy is active we'll find out okay if the paramon strategy is active in other words as the person has talked to you for an hour and they now have learned and off a lot more about what's inside your head they're now reading the other half of the genetic code they read they read the first half of the genetic code in a few seconds by looking at you you know looking at your body and then watching you move so they got an estimate of all your bodily contours they got an estimate of what you would look like naked and they've decided whether or not you're above the bar for casual mating strategy if you're above the bar for casual madding strategy they'd like to have sex with you okay and now if they're going to get any positive feedback they're going to be pursuing it till they get stopped and if they're a Salesman when they get stopped they just push some more that's how you make a sale that's how you get salesman of the month they at the Chevy dealership you don't think you know for an answer right what I see because the the other date that I'm thinking of was also a salesman and I fight because my fear is that I'm writing off these guys that could be potentially interested in pair-bonding because of their behavior very early on so got it well you know the the what what what can I say if you date salespeople you're much more likely to get hit very hard behind causal mating strategy and they're designed to be duplicitous okay they have to be crafty and it have to be they have to be willing to to be a peg psychologically so they've got wheels behind the wheels that are maneuvering and watching and responding very well to the prospect okay you don't you're not a good salesperson without good social skill and the ability to be a chameleon all right so thinking start smelling that what's going to fly is to do a lot of pair-bond noises then they're going to start making Terrebonne noises that's what they're going to do like this guy I love you yeah okay so then so then first for somebody who is very agreeable like myself and I'm always concerned and want everybody to be comfortable when I brought myself around these types of men I don't like having easy time shutting it down it's like oh it's a party like I'm just easygoing and I guess I just have to work on the road of things yeah yeah you only got to see let's call let's say that the end of this game a really good estimate is that the games over by your 39th birthday mmm-hmm it may not be over okay may not be over but just a really good guess there's a lot of women I've met that were no longer fertile at 38 they're out a lot so we're going to call it your 39th birthday and you're what are you about 30 31 now can 31 31 so 8 times 12 you got 96 eggs left okay okay so there you know reasonably valuable and so you should you should look at this depending upon how motivated you would be to have future children which it sounds like you're recently motivated then we got to be careful with these eggs all right so yeah I would defend them realize they're coming after they're coming after major assets potentially so this fifth guy this guy got to the major assets for a couple of months behind your salesmanship that's what it was clearly okay yeah Howell mating all the way now remember that don't feel too foolish that that the male brain has been shaped by evolution to lie the lie that it is specifically designed to tell is to tell the female that you know what all those other girls didn't mean anything you're just so special it's incredible is very different for me I'm ready to give it all up to just be with you just give me the eggs I'm not a drop lupa right oh that okay that's what sales people are going to be salesmen are going to be better at this game than normal people I've never seen any scientific evidence on this because my friends and academia too nerdy to pay attention to things lately but they really ought to see how much causal mating goes on among male sales people yeah a Fiat female sales people I'm sure quite a bit different because organisms a different organism yeah but no male sales people I will bet I get considerably more cows were mating action than the average guy mm-hmm yeah okay I'm careful defendi lb card of all eggs Kenda David don't don't no sleek um it's okay then to not write off a guy that's aggressive right off the bat if I sold it on my eggs and I put out the vibe if I put out my automotive vibes that I'm not enter you know what yeah you know what dressed a little frumpy okay that's a little project I just thank thank yourself how would a librarian dress on this day well you know what is funny is that was what one of the guys said he said well if I had to describe you'd be like a hot nerdy librarian cuz and I made like I made a really conservative profile like you suggested there's no you know and yeah okay so just keep your night water are you doing a lot of good things okay so we've got a little tweaking of the strategy here and keep keep in mind they're coming after gold all right man so you got a and the gold are they going to get it right hey yes I love defending right now we're we actually we don't really have as much time as you think it got a whole lifetime and none of this is critical and you've got a daughter and that's all good okay however if you were if you were hoping to be 36 years old and have a child with mr. right then we need to be meeting mr. right by 33 mm-hmm okay because you're going to want to spend a couple years finding out if it's mr. right before you go to the go to the enormous risk having a child right so that means that really and it maybe you have it maybe you have that child of 37 so maybe you need to be mr. right by 34 but anyways like it's not really 96 eggs it's 36 eggs okay you got about three years to find somebody that you might want to have a child with there's not a lot of time okay yeah not let's not spend it on the salesman of the month okay okay sound good all right advice taken and then um one last question at because my dad loves the show and he's been dying to know and so I promised him I would ask he's heard people come on the show and mentioned that they are disagreeable people and they know this about themselves and he is baffled as to how somebody who is disagreeable can know that they are disagreeable because in their mind shouldn't everything always be a fair or they're getting less does that make sense the question yeah no I understand what he's saying and the reason they can tell is because they're they're frustrated and they're getting in a lot of arguments so they can from their subjective view they're completely reasonable but they can also tell that they're disagreeable mm-hmm okay so that's just okay no he was with a disagreeable person for a bit and frustrated that they could never see and I think he was just in his mind on how does a disagreeable person get to this point so well this is also there's a there's a there's a characteristic that I don't think is seen in the big five that the big five doesn't capture everything and there's going to be many things that it doesn't capture but maybe some combination does but it's what we call insight so different people are much more psychologically minded than others and so they're disagreeable people that just would be utterly nonplussed at the discussion that they're disagreeable maybe like what the hell do you mean okay I'm perfectly reasonable it's you people that have the problem all right oh uh but there are people that are disagreeable they that are that are more sophisticated in the way their mind is built and that they can see from the evidence that they themselves are disagreeable okay so that's how that work yeah well they're interesting all right all right well thank you always go to help absolute lutely guard the eggs Playsafe have my eggs and now if you have another question please feel free to to call us in or write to me and say hello all right I will thank you very much dr. Lyle you changed my life that was some luck with all
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