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Episode 164: What if kid doesnt want college, Is there anti 10 paid dates culture
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all right dr. Lyle my son is a junior in high school he recently experienced an upsurge and anxiety because of mounting school pressure he has to diagnose learning disabilities as well as intention weaknesses which makes school doubly hard for him he attends the same college prep high school that his older brother did and is required to take advanced placement as well as a college readiness class there in addition to this he holds down a 16 hour per week part-time job which he enjoys and is getting a lot of positive feedback from recently he's come to me saying that he doesn't feel like he's ready to go away to a four-year college like his older brother did after high school when I asked him what he might want to do after high school he says he doesn't want to think about it he doesn't feel like he's ready to go abroad on a gap year trip like his father has proposed he says he might want to work full time at the fast-food restaurant where he currently works part time but that thinking about the future causes him anxiety my son's father is concerned about his son's anxiety get him on anti-anxiety meds as soon as possible I've read the possible side effects of SSRIs and I'm not excited about the prospect of my kid being on them what are your thoughts on this situation my son will be 18 in less than a year at that point I'll have no influence over whether or not he takes it thanks in advance he's due to see the psychiatrist next week oh geez I hope I hope this we're getting to this question right away and this isn't two months later this was sent to that good yeah good yeah I would I would definitely not go to the psychiatrist the the I would instead there's no no rush on such a such a big decision the I would if I was a parent I would recommend that you read the book by Robert Whitaker called anatomy of an epidemic and not only that I would I would actually if your son can't read it which you may not be interested in reading it but I would I guess the first thing I would do as I would read that book myself and then I would decide whether I would take that son of the psychiatrist and I probably wouldn't so there's no rush on the psychiatrist we can just wait for six weeks while these parents get a hold of this book read it and then then are become a better informed consumer looking out for their son's best interest so that's number one so I don't care what the grandpa thinks and that the grandpa thinks that the kid needs medication the grandpa doesn't know a damn thing about the effects of these medications so that that is absurd so they will just table that and obviously grandpa's trying to do it's in the kids best interest because he sees the kid is anxious a grandpa doesn't know doesn't know anything about neuroscience obviously so anyway so that's where we start second of all the in terms of your son son struggling in school and not wanting to go to college good for him this is exactly what he should be doing so in fact he shouldn't be in a college prep sequence right now with Advanced Placement things required for goodness sakes not less that this kid is a triple plated genius and despite his learning disabilities that he's sailing through and doing fine why are we suffering okay so this is uh this is a bunch of high-class dominance hierarchy climbing on the part of the parents trying to do what's in their son's best interest to position him to be competitive in a university setting for which he's not destined at least not anytime in the near future so I would I would find a way to roll that back as much as possible within you know obviously if he's in school and integrated socially with those kids likes it fine then he's going to stay there but it sounds like he's a junior right now yeah I said junior in high school so yeah he's going to stay there but I would have him taking a minimum of any high school requirement courses to graduate and I would just completely mean high school education is a joke folks it has no it's not cool preparing us for anything it's just a demonstration of your IQ so the so I wouldn't I definitely would not be having this kid in anything that's cool College Prep if we can help it just let him have a good time in high school he's obviously got some some conscientiousness and some ambition ship in there to be productive which is beautiful so we don't have a kid that's staring at a video screen 50 hours a week we have a kid that enjoys working and being productive and is socially integrated with his job situation and is doing well that's fabulous that's just what the Stone Age brain wants is to get out there and be productive as a young adult so then he wants to work full time when he graduates which is great my goodness this is this is fabulous so wants to work full time that's terrific to let the young man work let him find a productive spot there for a while where he grows up gets a little bit older and gets a little bit wiser a little bit smarter that brains maturing and let him just be a productive citizen that's exactly what he wants to do no rush at all he may work two years three years four years five years no problem if he winds up going back to school for something specific where it's worth it to him he can see how the dots connect on a line between the school and the financial career outcome that now may make sense to him at 23 terrific now we go back to school of 23 were way older wiser more seasoned and were more capable human and we've got a reason to be there rather than just a glorified Fitness indicator we're not even know what we're doing or why so I think that's the the solution so my solutions would be number one cancel the psychiatric appointment number to get Robert Whitaker's book and out of me of epidemic and read it then number three if somehow that doesn't convince you call me for an appointment you'll get more of this you'll need a half hour appointment and happen out where I can get a lot of words out the so the anxiety that the young man has is undoubtedly part of his nature's got some conscientiousness in there and that's fine no problem that's not that's not going to it's not going to kill anybody and we're not going to be in there drugging it for goodness sakes so we let him grow up and let him grow up where he's comfortable doing things at a pace that he's comfortable doing and so that's that's what my recommendation would be and absolutely have him aim you know we don't know if he might change his mind next spring and next spring he may decide that he's ready to go off to the JC fine that's fine I think a JC Junior College for a young person like this would be a very fine stepping stone clearly he does not feel ready to take on the big University like his older sibling that's no problem at all no shame in that whatsoever so I would say a good idea is to let him stay where he is let him work full-time let him grow up a little bit and then let him find his way fantastic hopefully he Pia looks like the mother sent us in today hopefully they listen yeah look mom I got it yeah that's uh that that's what you do don't don't be putting this kid on anti-anxiety meds I think I in my opinion that's a mistake and so my recommendation is to don't take my word for it Reed Whitaker and then then make up your own mind mm-hmm but we can certainly wait for a few weeks while the parents become educated about what I believe is a major fiasco so there's no no rush in getting that kid in front of a psychiatrist who is well-meaning but I believe misguided so the uh yeah so let's let's take our time and and do this thing light fantastic all right all right well now we're going to talk about dating in 10 paid dates I know you've dedicated a lot of time on Ted paid dates and every time we do I get a lot of interesting questions about it it's very curious topic for both men and women I get a lot of uh disappointed comments by men you know and a lot of a lot of other comments about women see if there's there's another way around it so you've laid out the logic in previous episodes so this is an option that I've gotten that that hadn't read before but I've gotten when I talked to people so it has to do with whether the culture supports this ten pay dates rule so much a while I'm a 32 year old female who's been single for about two months by now I've had three long-term relationships in my life I've met my previous partners either at university or at work and therefore was exposed to them a lot of times and already knew them very well by the time we decided to commit to a relationship therefore I have very little experience in dating but as I'd like to have some children in the near future I'm thinking of looking for a new partner more actively now online dating making language or material arts classes where I could potentially meet someone new to avoid men that are into casual mating I'm planning to apply this tenpai day strategy which seems like a brilliant concept but there's one problem that I think could come up given my cultural circumstances I live in Germany and here gender equality is very integrated in the culture it's the norm that after a date people split the bed the bill or pay alternately I'm also a well earning engineer so I think I would feel guilty for expecting to let the man pay for me 10 times in a row I also don't want a signal that I try to take financial advantage of my dating partner therefore I'd like to ask if 10-page dates still make sense if I offer to pay for example every second or third date as long as the man pays 10 times in a row or ten times total or would this signal to the male that he's fancier than me and then disqualify me as a long-term partner okay these are these are really good questions this is very thoughtful and so I'm aware that there are some cultural differences out there the so let's begin with the first the first salvo is that in general the it's going to be the man the woman out so it's legitimate if the male asks the woman out that he should be expecting to pay now so I would you can certainly offer to pay but I would be watching for those signals and I would expect him to turn it down if he doesn't turn it down that's red flag number one okay so that's fine so that that's how I would manage that little cultural issue I also think that what she's describing I wouldn't be looking for ten paid dates at this point that the the point is in ten paid dates the point is ten exposures where we're not we're not getting the guy he's not getting into your sexuality so this is uh the the notion here is that we're slowing the action down and making the price higher either monetarily which isn't really the biggest issue but it's really time and energy wise and so the so if we have as she says her cultural the culture can be somewhat different and she makes good money and so therefore I can see exactly this kind of strategy like then he should be sort of two to one on him and you're you're being offering and accommodating and if you like the sky then you're willing to spend your time to go out with him again and he with you but he should you know be looking to signal ways to provision you interesting things to do ways to entice you to be going out again etc that's fine and you can you don't have to stand your ground on your what do you call it crossing your arms expecting them to pay those ten pay dates fits better in the United States than it does in the situation that you're describing and and yet we should still be looking for signals of male willingness provision and furthermore I the most important part of this is we're not giving them access to sexual act anytime soon so that's what we're trying to do is we're trying to smoke out the fact that he's that he's going to be frustrated he's expecting to get into bed with you on date three or date four where we we would expect him to be frustrated with us and we don't have a problem with it this is where you have to conjure up some disagreeableness where we're just like now now I really like you and just take it slow no problem and if he disappears in a huff after date three or date four day five we got our answer and so that's fine that's not a problem that that you did not make a mistake there and pass up on on some future husband and father of your children that was really into you you smoked out a casual madding strategy player so that's how I would look at the situation and and yes I think that I think in Scandinavia we probably also be similar I'm aware that there's some differences there so yeah play it this way in other words the whole idea is to play conservative and and take your sweet time and make the cost higher and in the u.s. you make it higher in terms of both finances which doesn't have to be high it doesn't have to be expensive but the notion is is that hey he's courting you and he's provisioning you for your time which is what's what's very valuable here and we are also making sure that we send a strong signal that that there that this you're not a causal mating strategy target if you don't intend to be okay so it's one thing if women want to go out and have a good time gauging causal mating that's completely okay listen everybody's adults and you have everybody who do what they want but the but the the notion here this person is looks like a very pair bond oriented young lady thirty two years old three long-term relationships highly intelligent a lot of stability there this doesn't look like a person who it'd be real interested in being burned by cows for mating strategy it's not the worst thing in the world if you are it's just that you don't we just soon not and so yeah the stir this is the strategy that still holds and exactly with the said very same logic fantastic mmm yeah I wonder you know I think there's I've definitely heard this question from people who live in more I guess more more progressive cities so I wonder if this is going to become more common as the cities get larger and and uh and there's more of that cultural shift there's all kinds of things going on and but the game remains the same that the male is trying to minimize the cost for sex act terms of time energy and money and the female ultimately is looking to maximize the cost for sex act generally speaking so the female is engineered ultimately the cost for sex act becomes gee I'd like to have a couple of kids it's going to take X amount of sex acts to make that happen and I want the guy to have a really good job and then I want him to provision these children for the next 25 plus years okay so clearly you know unconsciously what is going on and how these organisms are designed is the male is trying to minimize CPSA and the female is trying to maximize CPSA so of course as birth control has made the biological cost per sex act a lot less there is then you know the the behavior has shifts towards a lower lower lower barrier to entry so to speak okay so of course we we see that that has happened and it's and it will continue to happen along some gradient and will reach some equilibrium with respect to specific cultures and specific genetics that's reside inside the people in those cultures but the the basic dynamic will remain which is that there will be the male genes against female genes working across this matrix and are the wise female who's is not in it for short-term the short-term pleasure of casual mating that individual would be is well instructed to be disagreeable enough to put up a barrier to the point where the male is frustrated if he's pursuing exclusively casual meting which is very likely that he is and doesn't know it so that's the point and that's never going to change so and certainly withholding to date 3 I don't care what culture it is that's not very much time and energy on the males part you see that that's that's like wow so when I go away on a business trip and you hang out with you meet some guy at a bar with you and the girls go out for a drink then you meet them the next night and then you you know native one more night then you're you're having sex with the guy four days into my business trip that's what I'm going to infer from the female who's willing to go to bed with me on day three after she's just met me I'm with I'm picking up evidence that there's not much in the way of defense here so therefore the fidelity probability is relatively low okay so if it turns out that that I'm running into defenses that take me of you know three weeks to get there three weeks and ten meetings to get there then it's like okay well now now I'm a lot safer okay and therefore I think that's a a more legitimate fidelity Q to be sending to the mill hmm well I mean it's a question that pops up when when you say this is you know let's say I'm a six you know and I'm I'm dating somebody who's who would be say what a seven or an eight if I'm in pair bond strategy yeah sure it means that that they're going to wait ten pay dates with me but they're not going to wait ten ten pay dates with the nine who's signalling slightly slight amount of investment right there deserve four or five maybe maybe right so this is why for example this is all the more reason that when when you're a male you're reading these skids okay so the it's there's a lot of things happening here so if the female rolls over quickly and easily it's a signal to the male that he's fancier and it's a signal to the male that also she's effectively not trustworthy with people that are of his caliber and and so as a result it's like whoa well there's going to be plenty of competition I'm interested in or so guys that are about like me are going to be interested in her and if guys are about like me can hit on her for a short period of time and get laid wow this is not this is not trustworthy whereas if a guy like me let's suppose I'm at six hitting on an eight and that aide is defending the eggs just as she should the then then what we're going to find is as I see her defending the eggs if I bet she's interested so she eventually warms up and we eventually get someplace now this issue now what am I thinking okay I'm thinking well the 7s aren't going to be falling all over her that I mean they'll be interested but they're not going to be as excited the nines aren't going to be falling all over her the in other words people aren't going to be it's guys like me that would be most excited and really willing to push hard the other guys are not the the gradient that the prize isn't is great and if they tried drive-by shooting I can see that she's resistant to casual mating strategy so therefore of course it she could get hit weak knees Delta we all would know that that would be possible however at least I know that the guys like me that would really be pursuing hard because she's a prize relative debate are going to run into resistance if it turns out that I don't run into resistance I've got a hell of a lot of competition I want to see to it that at least competition at about my level is going to run into these barriers okay of course we know that you know the Highlander isn't going to run it into the barrier okay so the it's a TV show from way back the of course people that are vastly superior to her may not learn a new barrier we know that that's true but we also know that they're probably not all that interested why is the Highlander hitting on an eighth okay he but he's got to be down on his luck broke and you know with some rotting teeth that oh that's the only way that happened okay all right hopefully that logic makes some sense well yeah I mean it reminds me of maybe I'm making an incorrect inference so so I hope you'll correct me mmm sure that reminds me a long time ago I someone sent me an article of which his name David Spade actor in Hollywood was out with his girlfriend at the time and they were with a bunch of other celebrities and Jack Nicholson starts hitting on his girlfriend and David Spade doesn't say anything like just doesn't doesn't defend her doesn't defend the relationship or nothing he was quoted layer later as saying and I just pulled this article up when you were saying this but he's quoted later saying that she got mad at him because he didn't stick up for her and his response was baby I've been in this town long enough to know when I'm not ranked like he's fancier than me you're either gonna go out with him or you're not interesting yeah interesting that was an interesting strategy on his part and obviously well the whole the whole bank's interesting that he got to find out where she really stood and and so yeah that was a little a little interesting calibration process took place when that relationship got under a little bit of stress so oh well entertaining to watch it mm-hmm yeah well that kind of a pair Bhandar who was not really that impressed and well because somebody's fancy doesn't mean that just because somebody is fancier than you doesn't mean that it's your mates type at all okay it's not it's not that objective and and also women sexual preferences can be very multi-dimensional sometimes they're surprisingly shallow but sometimes they're surprisingly sophisticated so somebody can be very fancy looking and then they start to interact with them and they're just completely uninterested whereas I would say that males usually aren't that well later in the article it says that the girlfriend was found later in the car with Jack Nicholson at like later if they were in the grass that she crawled out of the sunroof and said I have a boyfriend I can't be here don't fuck oh well there you go yeah all right weed means Delta after all yeah so I mean it sounds like what you I thought that what you're saying was like oh if you're if you're six and you somehow managed to pair bond with an eight then you know if a ten comes on earns her type like you really that's not your competition essentially and yeah not much you can do if that happens to to sway her now away but your competition is people in your peer group essentially and you're in your rank I guess if you will that's right exactly yeah and yeah and also there's all kinds of things all kinds of factors are going into this obviously either even in a bizarre situation where six is pair-bonded doing eight there's usually a damn good reason why that's taking place is because the eight is super interested in some consistency resources protection provision and there's a lot of cues coming from the six on those dimensions and so some ten sweeping and buying weak knees Delta if the girl was that susceptible that generally that she probably would have never been with the six in the first place so the you know so these are yeah we start to get some little some little probability processes that we could put into a computer and make some guesses here the but anyway yeah you're you are correct though the general strategy is to see to it that we are not being played if you're a female you're not being played behind casual mating strategy you send appropriate signals that what you're interested in is paramount strategy by being quite conservative you are not going to run off a carpenter that's not going to happen okay so the only people you're going to run off are going to be casual mating strategy players and so and then when and by doing so the pair Bhandar this makes you more valuable to the pair Bhandar because you are a better long-term investment you're like an insurance company that has a very high rating okay it's not it's not like we couldn't get conflicts of interest with that insurance company but they've got a very high rating and so we want to you know if we're going to if we're going to sink a bunch of resources into something we'd like to know that it's a solid investment and that's exactly what a conservative pair bond a pair bond behaving female looks like and so that's an intelligent signal to send if you're looking for a long-term relationship got it okay yeah the the sentiment that I had got from some of the male listeners of this show especially when we first started the show because I was posting some of the the episodes online in some forums that were that were more geared towards men's dating problems and the sentiment was well why should I put an effort yeah why should I put an effort to try to pair-bond a female if she's just going to turn around and and and just sleep willingly with a with a guy who's 40% more attractive than me so why bother especially and let's just focus on crashing mating strategy rather than trying our best and you're still being you know work yeah I mean but it's a bit of an ego talk obviously a completely convoluted strategy no obviously if a female pair-bond situation and it's and it's happy to be there she wouldn't be there so the that's the whole point so the female can only be pregnant once in a given period of time so they're generally not real interested in having a pair bond relationship with some capital relationship on the side not particularly I mean it's it's in the genes to have some of that take place but it's not a predominant feature of female psychology whereas it's a much more dominant feature of male psychology so a lot of times using their own intuition about what's going on inside the other person's head can can lead us astray because you don't necessarily have great intuition about what's going on and excited females heads and females don't have great intuition about what inside a male's heads so as a result that's why it's useful to actually learn a little bit about these sexual dynamics so that we can make better decisions for you know for our long-term best interests fantastic thank you for clarifying all right we got a runner on hold so I'm going to check the color here color this Nate Nate G with the beat your genes podcast and dr. Doug Lyall caller what's your name where you calling from caller going once caller going twice and boot it out of here all right hi very good I they Brian yeah which right well I put them on hold so caller if you're on hold and you actually sometimes people call in just to listen to the show and I don't know that so if you call or fats you then stay on hold I've just kept you on hold if you do actually want to ask a question just hang up call again and I'll see you hang up and call again so alright dr. Lyle all right is the most random things are considered manly this is the next question such as getting a lot drinking alcohol or even impressive bodily existence emissions I'm sorry are these things valid fitness and indicators in their own small way or is it simply just men Highland testosterone individuals making a competition out of literally anything so eating a lot drinking a lot and making a lot of noise expelling air yeah that we're saying yeah probably relative is yeah right I think some of this is actually probably signals yeah these are probably Fitness indicators and so some of this is going to add these signals of your size and so obviously if you eat a lot you drink a lot and you make a lot of noise you're probably a bigger human and bigger is in principle sexier so that that's probably why that is and I think that I've never had I've never looked at any of for example David bus's research I don't recall seeing physical size per se being trying to be signaled by those those types of behaviors that we probably if we started looking for we would probably see it on we would probably see for example some some some guy trying to impress a female might be a situation where he eats more just to look like looked like he's got it you know he's a big strong guy with a big appetite female might go the opposite direction on that uh quite different so the that that's what I think is probably true that however I like I said I don't know any other evidence for that other than that all kinds of size keys and the way that people display those size skews definitely work that direction in other words males are trying to look bigger taller wider stronger the very fashion of a suit is is meant to sculpt the male as if he has very strong shoulders and therefore has a triangular torso and that's why when they try to make a feminist process about this and have females do this you know I don't know in the 1980s it backfired fashion wise like males can't stand the look of females in suits with square shoulders the but that's but that fashion choice and design is no accident that stats to make males look like they have more impressive torsos ie larger so and they're they're wanting to be you know taller bigger stronger etc these are obvious and I believe all these noises and behaviors are just poor lit to that alright dr. Lila looks like we're gonna get some emails about women in suits now yeah I love it so that's that yeah so actually I mentioned this last week about setting up a monitored voicemail box for the show so let me tell everybody the phone numbers if you guys have any comments concerns just want to yell at us yeah I just leave us message the number I set up is 7 1 4 920 601 so it's not 7 1 4 920 601 that's to leave a voicemail when it's not show hours you have a question common concern or a witty comment hmm yeah so alright so yeah you know and this actually reminded me of you were saying about sighs I think we've talked about this over the show on the show a couple of years ago which is that drinking high amounts of alcohol actually function as a short-term mating strategy and this is an article published in the evolutionary psychology journal and you know it essentially is experiment showing that that females monitor the male's engaging string 'king behavior as a fitness indicator so if they don't pass out then that means they have good genes but they don't get drunk as quickly and their will they're actually going to be mating more with the young men who are able to handle more alcohol right that makes a lot of sense yeah that says what would totally make sense it's a obviously a handicapping strategy on their ability to talk and walk and so yeah that makes for perfect perfectly reasonable all right now good thing I did didn't think I didn't try that tread you know all right we got our key early like beer and that's what my strategy was in college there you go let's go in with a half a gallon of apple juice and you know I keep that in my keep that between in my gym bag that I bring into the into the bar oh that's a good idea all right what else we got all right dr. Lyle this is about interviewing candidates and I know you've talked about this from the candidates side about when you do an interview to give the person interviewing you status and a signal to them that they have to earn your esteem but that you know you you will be looking out for their status as well yeah dr. Lyle I work in finance and along with my coworkers I will start interviewing candidates for an additional co-worker position for my own sake I'd like to hire an agreeable co-worker what's the best way to test for agree ability in the job interview all the candidates keep in mind all the candidates will not will be able to speak English but it will not always be as a native language additionally how would you test for conscientiousness in this situation I remember you answered a similar question in a previous podcast but I'm interviewing for a relatively high skilled position where you won't find people who can't keep a job or apartment for longer than six months so that trick may not work here okay let's think about this so let me I want you to read the whole thing back to me once Nate because I want to make sure I understand it go ahead okay dear dr. Lyle I work in finance and along with some co-workers I will start interviewing candidates for an additional cohort very shortly okay my lying identity now is it got it so I was a little confused he's not interviewing co-workers for position he and a bunch of coworkers are going to be interviewing brand new candidates correct yep that's what it looks like okay and what we're trying to get is we want to get agreeable people and highly conscientious people that's what we want right okay so and these are this is high level stuff so so we are looking for we're trying to smoke out who is highly agreeable and highly conscientious the because ie who's going to be really good to work with now one of the things that I would probably do I'm just trying to think this off the top my head I've never I've never fought this one through the one thing that I'm looking for in in the discussion is I'm looking for any place where the if I were I would set a trap probably if I was really determined to do this well I would probably set a trap by saying something that is I might say something that is a little bit wrong so I'm not sure how I would do that because I'm not I don't know about the industry but I would say something that is hmm I would I would try to think of something that that might actually be a little bit of a mistake okay I might even be misremembering somebody's name like oh I don't know who's they who's the head of the of I don't know who's the CEO of Apple or something so I would find a way to quite happily sorry I can't help it all right so I would I would think about a little mistake and that I would see if anybody rushed to correct me so the I be looking for essentially the willingness to contradict and willingness to contradict is going to be a good signal of disagreeable but that will be otherwise be cloaked pretty heavily in an interview where people are trying to look agreeable in conscientious I would also ask them about in previous teams that they've worked on what were some strengths of the team and in the leadership and then I also asked for some of the weaknesses of the teams in the leadership and so I would be looking for anybody that wax is a little long complaining about the previous management and again it doesn't matter that there might be completely maybe completely legitimate but the fact that they would complain is indicative of disagreeable personalities so that again would be a trap that I would set and let's see other than that obviously we're looking at people's records we're looking at how stable they've been someone that the less stable a person has been just in general it's there's a good chance that were we're seeing we're seeing signals of you know instability that could be due to disagree ability or lower conscientiousness so we would ask people kind of what what went on in the previous jobs and what led them to their changes they will be very well ready for those however the more stable somebody has been the more likely it is that they're going to be reasonably good to work with so all things being equal I would take the person with the more stable track record as opposed to the less stable track so these are the little things that I would do you be in specifically this issue of contradiction if I was really determined to do this folks which I can't see that I would because I think I can read people's faces facial expressions warmth etc pretty well so I'm going to be able to determine a lot about people's agreeableness just by the continuity of the conversation the and their conscientiousness by by the nature of the conversation and by their track records etc how they answer the questions but if I was super determined I would set little traps and I would set little traps like the the issue of I would embed the question of the weakness of previous management in a broader context of a general survey and of that of what would the strengths and what were the weakness is some of the team you know where where was their weeks and any weaknesses in the product or etc what they could have done differently I'm looking for the sheer amount of verbiage that would be associated with criticism and the more the more criticism they give you the more disagreeable they are a really agreeable person says well extreme everyday did well and boss was really good and everything was fine and no it just so turned out that you know that this or that happened in my life and circumstances and the right move was you know to look for something different that's all so they would be keeping their mouth shut about that problem that's what I think that's what I would do all right fantastic yeah I remember I believe it was it was really the lecture TrueNorth or your perfect personality DVD where you describe the different personalities and how some people just signal them immediately and you were in the line at the DMV and the lady asks you if you have your insurance card you said yes I do so what can I see it what's in the car she goes well then you don't have your insurance card right away disagreeable right oh yeah as people are people are signaling it with their facial expression with their posture with their hand movements all kinds of things and so it's not like this is difficult to determine if you're if you if you're looking for it very hard but we we can set set these little tests for people if we are determined to look for them and you know we could be wrong but in general people will fall into these things if we have eight candidates that we're looking at we're trying to pick the winner there's a really good chance that we won't pick the loser if we use this kind of strategy now do you think that agreeable people are better at picking up agreeable cues and disagreeable people are better at picking up disagreeable cues or am I just thinking about in a different way um I don't think that that's true but it's possible so I understand the underlying logic there that you're looking at a disagreeable person is going to inherently be more reactive to two sort of disagreeable feedback and so they should have a little more sensitive trigger possibly that might work that way or agreeable people might be very sensitive because they by being so nervous about pleasing other individuals you see so this is Willie actually a good research question Nathan and I don't I am not aware of the answer so yeah sorry about that there are lowers yeah and the other question to us has to do with openness will do highly happen people do they have more mirror neurons or do they just simply have been exposed to more things and so therefore they're more attuned to those subtle changes now I think actually more open people I mean more agreeable people probably have more mirror neurons so I don't know that this is true though I think that's true so now the openness is a different animal the openness is just less less sort of less anxiety over risks that most of us would you know would they're just not they simply aren't seeing the Seabee the way everybody else is seeing it and they just got higher risk tolerance so it's a different different kind of preacher oh I see okay yeah yeah that's interesting I'd never thought about about less anxiety I always thought it was the desire to seek novelty and so I guess no it is that what these things are is they're all they're all CDs on sort of classic problems for the genetic code should the animal go further or stay closer to home answer the if you have less anxiety you you are if you're in the tail end of the bell curve for example that rabbit is going way too far from the rabbit hole it's miss reading the the actual cost-benefit analysis for that adventure and so that that that's what's happening it's a it's a so it's an outlier it's got a distorted view of the underlying cost benefit the rabbit that's in the middle of the bell curve on openness going the right distance from the rabbit hole as it runs the see beyond how far it should go looking for carrots or mates or a better rabbit hole okay so the ones that are that are running the risk analysis properly are the ones the genes that built those brains are the genes that are the most prominent in the gene pool that's why that's the middle of the bell curve okay so as we go on either side of the bell curve symmetrically from that midline we're looking at we're looking at genetic variations that are not as successful for that particular habitat so very open people in general on you know there are they've obviously occasionally a person that's very open will hit a jackpot and the safer and safer the world gets the more and more people are going to the gene pool is going to drift towards more and more openness you know the next thousand years the the species is going to be quite a bit more open than it is now as the world gets increasingly safer so but right now what you're going to what what you see is what you see and you're going to see you probably have already seen social habitats sculpt the genetic code for openness already I'm sure that if we were to do if we were to do cross cultural analysis and look at cultural histories and record ratios of openness it's probably already in gene pools already so but that's yeah I have no doubt that that's true so in fact I know it's true Wow eagle olive oil we've got this little little bit more detail because there was a question that was on the list for tonight that's on the bottom so I just sent it to you but it's not it's actually the question actually is asking whether the opposite is going to be true what is that tell me what's the question a question is is there a link between high openness and a reduction in genetic preference so the question goes on to say it seems that the people who are highest and openness are the least likely to get along well with their family and the least likely to have kids latter is now a choice given the availability of birth control so given the availability of birth control this listener is curious if this means that a new societal trend is emerging whereby high openness individuals are being selected out this being a new trend primarily due to that birth role beyond the past okay that's just that individuals got like some individual that they know in their head some wide open chick who's slept with 80 people and has used birth control and hasn't had any kids okay and told her family to jam it I'm leaving I'm leaving Kansas and I'm heading to Berkeley so they've got a specific individual rattling around in their skull rather than any cultural trend and I open people I have no doubt are more likely to be impregnated okay just as they're just going to all things being equal at the same level of conscientiousness as everybody else the high open person is going to wind up with more sex partners and more times statistically more likely to be unprotected in their sexuality and then more likely to end up pregnant so the yeah I don't think that there's an e I don't think that that's an interesting speculation but I think it's just a somebody got a specific individual in their head and they built an argument around it fantastic all right dr. Lao last question for the night good okay look yeah dr. Wilde why is it that my family would discourage weightlifting I don't talk about it often but when I do in passing I get eye rolls I mean compared to career success it's the polar opposite I told my mom I got a promotion she would want to organize a parade if I told her I added 50 pounds my deadlift well again I roles given that from male these two arenas are probably the two that are most likely to affect sexual success casual and pair-bond I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the different reactions experienced here yeah the it is very interesting it's a great question and remember that sexual selection is going to work in an interesting way and that is that that if a individual female winds up with a quirk that she likes a this bird that has like a little little orange feather you know the little male that hasn't orange feather coming out of the right side of his head then she's going to select that guy and have sex with him as opposed to the guy that doesn't have that feather or that that little orange feather is less prominent and so as a result she's going to pass on if she winds up having a son she's going to pass on that big orange feather and if she has a daughter she will pass on the preference to have a male mate that has that orange feather so in this way sexual selection can can run towards a given direction pretty hard within a gene pool even within the species but particularly within a gene pool within a species so the so it's going to turn out that there are many Fitness indicators that have become popular and so you can imagine there was a kind of a you know a hokey romance movie that was made was pretty expensive movie was an ALS type movie made hmm probably I don't know 1965 I'm just guessing and I think it was called the seven hills of Rome or something like this and it was the story of this singer he was a famous singer and yeah I believe he was an American but he had Italian roots and he was you know an italian-american and he somebody out there that's listening knows who this guy is anyway he had a phenomenal voice and so they made him the the lead of this movie and it was this sort of cheesy romance but in it it showed he is looking for a job in Italy and that and he's telling the the local bar owners and so forth hey I'm a singer you know I'm saying you know you should you should be willing to pay me to get a gig something like this and and that somebody some Italian person said no we don't import figures we export them and and they owed this little montage of does he's stepping out in the little ghetto like area with people are doing their laundry on their back porches and every one of these people is singing like a bird from the little old lady to the the young woman to the guy with in his wife beater like everybody can sing and it was kind of a I don't know if there's any truth that Italians could sing on average better than the rest of us but I wouldn't be surprised if that's true and so what we're going to see is that different fitness indicators are going to be more subtly selected in different different populations so and specifically at the level of an individual gene you know individual gene or gene pool this young man's mother probably was not was not particularly interested in big strong men and so so her what she was more focused on or for whatever reasons but it could absolutely be sexual selection that she was more interested in the shrewdness that would come from being successful career-wise in trade this could this could absolutely could be sexually selected so therefore he's looking around at the world and looking at all the people that he might be attracted to and he's worried about competing and he sees that that body strength and body size is useful as a male because that's another sexual selected characteristic and and therefore he's like hey you know that's what I ought to be doing but his mother roles or eyes says that's ridiculous okay because she's she's seeing that problem through her own genetic eyes and and that's how that could work that way so that that individuals are carrying around this is the example for example that this would be the equivalent on the other side because there's been sexual selection the other direction for female characteristics as well that that to two different guys or looking at a female and the female has either large breasts or small breasts and one of them is all excited about her shape and the other ones like what are you talking about it's ridiculous okay and so I've actually run into a number of women in my practice over the years that were wrestling themselves over whether or not to get breast enhancements and the and oftentimes their boyfriend or husband is saying go don't do it guys very attractive you exactly the way you are okay sometimes that's not what they say but sometimes that is what they say and and the woman can be in cognitive dissonance feeling like she will increase her market if she gets an in-house enhancement even though it may not help or it may actually hurt her attractiveness with respect to remain so she can be in cognitive dissonance over that problem so yeah what this question is is unveiling is the fact that there are differences of opinion as to what Fitness indicators are our most sexy are most important and a mom could absolutely have a disagreement with the son and roll her eyes as the son pursues a strategy that to her doesn't make any sense
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