Home 🏠 🔎 Search


Bad Transcripts
for the
Beat Your Genes Podcast & More

Episode 16: How much to spend on a first date
an auto-generated transcript


To get a shareable link to a certain place in the audio,
hover your mouse over the relevent text,
right click, and "copy link address"
(mobile: long press & copy link address)
 


dr. Lila I wanted to ask you some questions about dating now I came across this video of this this lady this woman who was talking about why dating is messed up for for girls apparently so have a listen it's a couple of minutes long and I want to get your reaction to it for years and years I have boyfriends a lot of those girls don't have a boyfriend and then suddenly maxes out have another boyfriend sometimes a kind overlap don't judge me shit happens I'm a boyfriend kind of girl but now having been single for the first time in a long time welcome to my new video why dating is fuck dating is weird to begin with higher human well I'm not like human with me a little bit but I guy used to wanna date a girl he would ask her on a date show up at her house probably with flowers or something didn't even say hello to her father I need to bang your daughter within the next few dates probably my gosh I know with you in the I come a man yeah that was shady guys entrancing it was an event it gave girls a reason to get tripped up and smell nice and have a new outfit and feel all pretty and good curly yeah yeah at work most of us girls basically have to act like dudes now when we go on date we want to drop the workmen and grow up we're girls so pretty they want to put out but they still fucking exist anymore Netflix and chill I'm bite you I mean sure the opposite so that was actually quite work hunter play is getting to know each other a stupid fun conversation I don't get a piggyback ride from a guy within the first like three days you know girls got our standard yeah I'm sick of guys saying that girls are crazy and creamy because they text you when they like you I feel like you're a goddamn pen you're a for what your shitty personality you're like a minus two I want you that you'll have to fuck a boat dock yeah if you actually want a real relationship we have to stop playing fucking Jane don't get me wrong I love game ok all of your asses at Christa any day are today left foot on green you know what so what do you think dr. Lisle well I think that it's a it's an attempt to to show some humor about the frustration level that people have with this process and and there's a there's a theme that goes in this little vignette is about how it used to be better different more civilized et cetera but it's quite frankly the same game all over and the game has not changed in two million years and now is you know this just to give credit where credit's due the the name of yatta clip just was from Nicole Arbour and and she seems to make it all out to be about this is a this is frustration from females is this I just is this only unique to females the the the nature of this whole thing is frustrating the this is this is kind of give you an example of what this is like this is like a think of a this is like a an antelope you know bitching about how it is that the Lions just there's just no end to it the Lions are always on the lookout for you you constantly have to look left right in sideways you have to be paying attention the birds in the trees and any shift in a wind there's dandelions like it just you know dude this is how it is these days if you don't if you're not on your toes you're gonna get eaten now this is a game that has been going on forever for millions of years and the same thing is true with men and women having sex and having relationships and that babies this process has been going on for 2 million years the when it comes to relationships so if if you are talking about an animal that did not engage in relationships where there woods what we're gonna call para bonding or an attachment process but you call it love then then you would not have any of this angst because it would all be simply a different type of game which is to just go find the most sexually attractive opposite sex member you could find and see if they'll have sex with you and then you're done and the vetting process is about 15 seconds so we live with a different situation and therefore our process is more complicated very interesting so so in this case the women are complaining that they are being pursued which is I think very natural and that they are that if they don't watch out they're going to be subject to casual mating strategy where they didn't really get any resources or any commitment right this has been going on for two million years protection to the dog nothing there is this this is the actually casual mating strategy is the only mating strategy that existed more than two million years ago in proto humans and in fact it's the it's the it is the only strategy that exists in 97% of the mammals so the fact that there is any male investment at all in offspring including buying you dinner or even or eating arranging for you to see Netflix at the guys apartment you know there might cost him $10 a month this is provision and so provisioning in our species has been going on for about two million years and therefore there's nothing under the Sun and these complaints are nothing new and so why do like why do women complain about this kind of stuff when they plan for the same reasons that men complain and the the problem is is that this is a you can just imagine if you were talking to the Lions and the gazelles on the African savannah so the gazelles would be bitching about the Lions about how they just they're just relentless and they're always wanting more of us and you always got to be on the lookout and back in the old days it was better you know a time in and now it just seems like everything is too rotten to the core and you can't trust anything okay so you should be some real nice grass out there where you know there weren't any lions and you could see anybody coming but now that's not what's going on and it's a terrible situation then you talk to the Lions and it's like I just don't know what's going on with these damn gazelle you know there's they haven't bred enough for something and it was weird getting short on these guys and then not only that seems like the weak the weak ones have already been picked out picked over by that other pride and when we're try just to make a living out here is tough okay so the the bedrock the backdrop of nature is scarcity scarcity is a fundamental ubiquitous feature of life life is in trouble always seeking valuable things or what we're going to call values so each kind of creature has its own kind of values so if you're a dung beetle you value them okay if you're if you're a pigeon you value opposite sex pigeons and you value some other things but if you're a human you have what we're going to call human values and the human values are universal values that people all value now the things about things that are valuable is that things that are valuable are scarce okay so very often not always you don't have to care as valuable but it's not scarce but most things that are valuable are scarce and that means that there are conflicts of interests between individuals about getting those things okay so in this case when it comes to sexual reproduction it is the the goods are always scarce okay so the from the standpoint of an individual male there are not enough good-looking females that are interested in him from the standpoint of female there are not enough good looking males that are interested in her this is a ubiquitous feature of human mating problems and so this is nothing new and it's been going on forever so the concept is scarcity and this is what actually the philosophers will will describe it's the tragic view of existence not that life is a tragedy that it is that we call it tragic because it's a bummer it's a bummer that what you want is inherently scarce to you and of course you can recognize that a few individuals out there this is not true the the major lottery winners of the genes and circumstance are people for whom there is not scarcity but for the overwhelming majority of animals the overwhelming majority of the time including humans humans live in a bubble of a perplexing situation of scarcity and this is the frustration that you'll hear forever about human mating situations that makes a lot of sense ok well let's get into some questions here because with all this dating and everything like that I was reading a Kiki Mac you see GG magazine and there was an article there that was very fascinating because it has to do with what we talked about and it talks about how much should a man spend on a first date and the question is is it $50 a $500 what if it's going well so they give us a set of advice and I'd like to go through this one by one with you and we'll go there and see what your take is yeah so number one they say remember how you met if you ran into each other at a dive bar then you probably don't intend as much as if you were tagging along at some friends yacht party either way the expectations that have been set by that first moment is what really makes the difference and you also have another white light by the way ah okay that's okay go ahead okay so the paragraph also says remind yourself whether this whole I'd hold date idea was your doing have you been trying to get this date for months trying to plant seeds and hoping that the evening will somehow end in some epic fairy tale or you might well you know if that was the case you may need to slow it down a little bit because that's unrealistic so that was their first news of advice okay first person piece of advice they they superficially have it right but they're missing the point the point isn't where you met the point is your socioeconomic status okay so if you it doesn't matter where you met you could you could have been you could have met in a plumbing shop but the bottom line is is that if you are high so economic status and the woman is high socioeconomic status she's in there looking at you know solid brass fittings for her condominium that she's going to be revamping in New York City so we already know she owns real estate in New York City and she's doing a remodeling job on it and she doesn't have a wedding ring and when you manage to start flirting with her you get good feedback okay you may be in a plumbing shop but that's a very high associate of human and if you're not high socioeconomic status you're in trouble okay and so the this is part and parcel of how human beings go about their business is that they select people who are in in the within hailing distance of their own socioeconomic status and so the as a result of that if you are high socioeconomic status it's going to be expected that that that if you if you ride if you're going to agree to a dinner date for example it's going to be pretty expensive now nobody unless it was an older super wealthy person hitting on what is clearly a twenty eight-year-old really hot gold digger and that there's a there's a tacit agreement that that's sort of where this wacky thing is headed then clearly you better be looking to spend $300 and anybody that's in that situation probably would but the kind of money that you're talking about is proportionate to the socioeconomic status of those people so if you're if you're a hundred thousand dollar-a-year person then you would probably be expected is spend somewhere between you know sixty and a hundred dollars if you are $50,000 you're kind of a person they'd probably that's probably who you're not hitting on and so you're probably looking at you know forty to sixty dollars instead okay so it's sort of in principle it's it's a dollar for every thousand dollar for every thousand dollars you make a year that's probably a really good rule with them if you make twenty thousand dollars a year you're probably spending twenty dollars on dinner and that that would be actually a fairly reasonable signal to the individual on the other side as to who you are yeah okay it's okay point number two they say your location will determine a few things it looks like you've kind of covered this saying if you live in New York expect to buy at least one extra drink on account of the no driving thing and also to pay for a cab home and they also said pay for the cab not for uber because uber allows you see exactly where the person lives which could be crazy but if you're in a place like Iowa you can probably afford to get an extra side of dinner or a dessert even if the person says they're full because the thought that counts yes now here's what and this is a obviously advice for men the depends on what strategy you are playing and probably you should play this the same way no matter what now let's suppose that your attitude depends upon how interested you are on the person we're going to assume that you're very interested or that you're not going to be there so we're going to assume that that you are going to expect that this is no easy project to win this person over and that you are and furthermore there's going to be a difference between whether or not this is casual mating strategy or pair-bond strategy so casual mating strategy is going you're going to be more variant and how you would play this game so if you're a casual mating strategy player and it depends upon your own personal budget and means but if you're not that interested in the grow long term you might either play one strategy which is to be relatively inexpensive in budget-conscious because you are not really that interested so you're trying to minimize your financial you know outlay in a situation that that is that is sort of sketchy in the first place or you might actually go over the top trying to press this person and signal that you you have a lot of resources to throw around and which you're very loose with resources that's actually a that's probably the optimal strategy for playing casual mating strategy because the person on the other side you sniffing that they might be able to grab a lot of resources in the short term which is what females do very often or that they're it's part of female mating strategy when it comes to short-term mating strategy so you might want to just like act like really loose with your wallet and like in order to essentially it isn't that it's so much impressing them but it's more indicating that if they have a little fling with you for a couple of months or a few weeks that there might be a lot of little little financial advantages that may come from from this because you are you don't you're not careful with your resources now I am NOT interested in either one of these games but this is how one would go about making the decision the the games that I'm interested in or Parabellum pair-bond honest courting and so so if you are actually trying to make a good impression on this person get to know her better and try to vet her or whether or not this is a long-term relationship potential then the way you want to do this is you want to you want to signal your respect for her sexual attractiveness by going to the high side of wherever it is that you would normally consider eating so if you would normally think that a pretty good restaurant it be your $60 for two people you should be at a place that's 80 or 100 dollars for two people if you'd normally go to a place a little fancier at sixty to eighty dollars for a couple of people you should pony it up you know over a hundred dollars over that range so the point is is that how nicely you take somebody out where you go this is a signal to the female about how sexually attractive you find her the then when you are there the notion is to to not be lavish and crazy where you would with the cow so mating strategy but be very relaxed and generous in other words you're you're signaling that that we're we're going to have a nice time and that you know that what looks good to you we're going to have some kind of appetizer in other words you're going to order a little extra things for yourself etcetera and you're certainly going to be having no compunction about anything and more that she wants to eat or drink the notion here is we are trying to signal to this person that we find them very interesting and that short term expenses in respect with respect to courting them are of no importance whatsoever now the truth is is that this is a this is a generally very good strategy for a number of reasons and that is that if you are so we're not going so far as to lavishly waste money in the way that we would for casual mating but we are close in other words we're generous and relaxed and we're not thinking and looking at the bill we were acting unconcerned about financial issues the reason why is that you are going to be able to see inside of that females psychology about this whole thing somebody that is probably a good pair bond partner is going to be relatively conservative about how she goes out spending those resources at dinner she's going to be thinking along those lines also females are going to be also there's a tacit agreement in male pursuing females that if you provision the hell out of them they understand that there's a creeping little debt of sexuality that's creeping up on the other side of the ledger and so if we so therefore a female that is not really that much of is not a casual mating target that is somebody that is uh that has more defense of the eggs than that is going to not be so lavish about spending your money and therefore you don't have to worry about that quote you might get taken advantage of by the right person you might be quote taken advantage of by the wrong person but then you just found out something very important okay so the so therefore that that's research money into that woman's character and how goes about this dance so that's how I look at that situation I would I think it's important to signal that you are not trying to save $10 at that dinner in your decision-making that is the whole point here is that you're trying to provision her to the state where she's comfortable and having an excellent time and not worried about the financial issues remember guys all this wacky talk about female equality or that she should pay half or any kind of crazy stuff like this you have to understand that we are designed by nature to risk our lifes and limbs to provision females that is exactly what the females are designed by nature to read our behavior and be looking for whether or not we are signaling that we would do such a thing for them if you do not signal that you would do such a thing for them they understand that they are not that valuable to you and therefore they're in the wrong place that's that's very interesting that you said that because I remember a long time ago when I was in college and I went on a like a one or two dates with this self-described feminist and that was a while ago so it wasn't like this big thing but she was telling me about how women should be equal and you know they should pay for their own things so I said ok and we went we went out and and and the bill came and I said well aren't you a feminist it's because yeah and she was like insistent on paying her own half and I thought okay well you know I guess she wants to do that and that's fine but I never saw her again right it's an interesting thing that this is this is actually a little different twist that isn't particularly important but this in the in the search for for people trying to figure out these sociological problems between men and women here in the last 30 or 40 years see and trying to like iron out the the the legacy or history which has been you know problematic and conflicted as you would expect the as that as we have worked that out some people have been wound up a little confused about how this really should go down and and the truth is is that what I'm now suggesting to people is that you need to go back if you're going to do this correctly what feels right you are going to wind up back at a fundamental Stone Age algorithm which is going to be used signaling the female that you are signaling to her about how attractive she is by your willingness to provision and that's what the dinner date is and so when it comes to real-life meetings this makes sense yeah for instance if I'm at a lecture I'd say like a TED talk type of thing or I'm an in like a university class or at the like you said the plumbing shop and I see somebody that I'm attracted to and I strike up a conversation I already know a lot about the person without even talking to them I can look at I can look at if there's if social with their friends if they're you know if they're in a lecture I know that they have some base level of intelligence at cetera etc however nowadays we've got online dating we've got the quicker social media apps like tinder happen and things like that then we've got Majan OkCupid and plenty of fish and all and worth some of the ones harmony and I don't know there's there's many out of them where is it online you really don't know anything about the person other than what they've written and and what kind of photos they've shown in my experience some of that can like you get to know the person and it Y means even first date you don't even know them yet other than what they've written and kind of conversations you've had so how do we remedy that compared to the live dating well there's no oh you mean how do you remedy that in terms of what what are you thinking when we go on the first date when you go on the first date you've already kind of if I meet somebody live I already know a lot about them and I can already I can pretty well tell how excited I am how excited they are about I actually wanted to go on the first date whereas my online I'm thinking you know what this is great these are messages back and forth typing but I really just want to get to know them see them in person the first time that's now this depends upon your strategy so people people don't with online dating they don't necessarily want to get locked into a dinner that where they've ruled the person out in two seconds right and so this is where people are becoming more amenable to just mean it Starbucks okay and so this is this is fine and so this is uh actually probably the right move I mean a good move for men is to offer that that you would take them to dinner or lunch or whatever if they if they parry back that they how about if we just have a casual or you can even signal to them you know there's been an online you write to them you say you're interested they write back if they're interested okay well so far now that you've got a line tight on the line so the next move is going to be you're going to suggest getting together and then a good move is to suggest you know whether you want just a casual meeting for for coffee or tea or would you like to you know you then it will also invite them to dinner I think that it's a good move to essentially signal both the the and then the woman can choose how it is that she wants to play it okay and so that's how I would go about it if I was going to invite somebody to dinner remember when you're looking at a match.com profile you can tell the socioeconomic status it's telling you right there everybody everybody's spilling their socioeconomic status all over the page and so and so are you and so you better not be trying to hit on people who if you're a $50,000 your person or $150 all your person you're in trouble you're going to get ruled out and that relationship will never fly the if you are a if you're a you know if you've got you know two semesters in junior college and they've got a PhD this is never going to fly so unless it's a casual dating yes well you know this is a whole different animal so what I what I'm discussing this I'm discussing this through the lens of pair bond strategy for the reason the pair bond strategy is the overwhelmingly dominant strategy of the the female okay actually so the casual mating strategy is a strategy that typically males play on females while they are pretending the quaker bond strategy so that's a whole different you know situation there that's that's the disgust of the female that made that comedy thing early in this tape so yeah so when we're but when we're talking about this here the the game plan is you you're certainly are only going to be writing to people and hitting on people that you believe you're attracted to them and you believe that the the general parameters make a lot of sense in terms of socioeconomic status and and that you are hopeful that this is a potential pair line strategy so the the problem is of course that as we discussed last week when we talk about the magic 10% people are cheating in their photography exactly to the level of 10% so six looks like a seven and eight looks like a nine and a nine looks like a tent that is exactly what's happening it's nothing it's interesting that people do not generally try to cheat more than that so there are seventh out there that might have one photograph that looks like a ten but they will they will leak the fact that they are seven in one of their photographs so one of the founders of match.com pointed out that everybody is privy to this and so they that when it comes to the responses that people actually get as he put it quote you're only as good as your worst photograph so so when you see six yeah you see six photographs that look like she's an eight to a nine and then you see one that looks like a seven the guy knows that then she's really a seven okay you know that's but a good way there's a good point yeah because I was just hanging out with a buddy a couple of days ago and we're just having coffee and chatting and and we were showing each other you know he was showing me some of the matches that he's gotten on these sites and and in the middle of our conversation apparently one of the ladies that he's been talking to changed a couple of her photographs and he notices that right away he's like what the heck never mind and that's exactly what happened is she she looked like she was way more attractive and then all of a sudden you know yeah and this is what people do is they this is what I call leaking the truth okay so when someone is caught you know or they are very likely to be caught in a lie they start leaking the truth is what happens so they start you know finagling around the edges and sort of leaking little cues that isn't quite what it is that they said before so this is exactly what happens in these profiles with the photography so they don't they don't lie in there in the rest of the situation very much they don't then not not outside of any reasonable bounds the reason is is that the big variable in human sexual attractiveness is that is our appearance and so the as a result this is where the the greatest deception is likely to wind up and so until as a result your this is why and since this is true on both sides of the equation it makes sense to offer to have a casual meet before we have the bigger meet okay so it's not unusual to arrange to meet somebody for coffee on a Saturday or Sunday morning late morning and then ah then if you like the girl then you say well you know I'm gonna be having lunch you know would you like to join me and so if you like her then she and she likes you she's very likely to say yes and then your your plan would be to head to you should have the plan is to head to a lunch that is pretty consistent with your socioeconomic status okay so you know you don't cheap it out and now that's probably the thing that I would tell and the most important thing to do is to don't be trying to save money on this process this is this is the only point to the money really when it gets down to it the whole point to your to working hard and getting resources is to be able to use these resources in various ways to finagle for mates if that were not true then all you'd need really is a 10 by 10 room with the toilet and hot plate and you know a couple thousand calories a day and that's it you know a television set so it doesn't take very much money to survive it takes money to to create the accoutrements that signal the one could not only can provision a female but could provision a female and children regardless of sort of awareness that you are in life and what your plans are the female brain is looking for those types of keys and she's looking for indications that she is attractive enough that you would that you would provision her and she's picking that up she's picking up those cues unbelievably quickly on date one okay so what about so you know the in terms of resources what about things like paying for the gym membership the yoga classes that whatever skydiving lessons or I mean scuba lessons or you know whatever kind of fun stuff that that you do with your friends or by yourself or paddleboarding or whatever all that stuff is that just all about mating you know it's slow down so I'm not quite sure what you're asking well you said that in principle the whole point of getting these resources is to our vision is provision for mates and and provide for them and I'm thinking let me let me modify that 80% of the reason okay I don't mean a hundred percent the reason there's there's things that you would like for yourself it would be completely in depending of mating phenomenon like going through a you know NFL football game so the there would be things that would not be related to bathing but when we're talking about the serious money the reason you you after serious money is to put yourself in a competitive position if you are what people what men do is they recognize as they calibrate their abilities relative to their competitors in life and so you are competing with people in your age cohort for the most attractive females that would find you acceptable within that age cohort whether you know it or not or you recognize or not of course you sort of recognize it you are waging war against all other men that are that are after the same women that you're after and one of the ways that the women decide and choose between worthy competitors is they are their choosing on you know variety factors one of those factors a critical one is resources that's why those are posted on it something like match.com how much money do you make okay that's why that's a major question for females to have on there the notice males don't care that much what the females make the female can unashamedly put that she makes 25,000 to 35,000 dollars a year okay a male that has to put that down just rule himself out of any female that makes north $50,000 in all probability so the these are these are mechanisms by which people make make these mating decisions and so therefore in our dating behavior we are signaling you know who it is that we are and what our intentions are for that female so okay be relative beyond solidly on the generous side is what I would tell everybody okay all right so let's continue with the the rest of the advice with the GQ magazine article so they also said do a checking account gut check the goal here is not to get off the dollar menu for a week just because you went big on the first date so look at your bank statement come up with the rest rough estimate of what you can you can spend in one night and then add a little bit more just to give yourself some wiggle room that way if you blow your butt you can still make rent yeah this is all sort of funny talk this is this is almost useless talk for anybody that makes a reasonable salary this this I guess is what if we were talking to undergraduates about you know gee don't go to the fancy pizza parlor because you might be eight bucks short you know the amount of money that you would spend on a date with a female should not have anything to do with your monthly budget are you making wet if it does then you are not ready to be in the market with looking for a female you need to be working harder getting extra hours and putting some money in the bank okay so you you do not you know that that's just it's just sort of ludicrous talk out of out of sort of a you know this sort of magazine that just has to come up with with readable moronic articles you know it well you know as you're saying all this I'm kind of thinking I have a box of gift cards in my room that I saved just for first date I'm just kidding this is the notion here is that if you're this is serious business and you are trying to find somebody that you're really interested in the notion here is you you need to be prepared to go through a provisioning courtship process which will not be inexpensive now every female recognizes that there's a that there's a decay function on how expensively she will be treated for how long okay so it's going to be you know fancy fancy fancy then a little less fancy okay so the she recognizes that this is reasonable that that the the early going in the first few days is a signaling mechanism but the male is telling her you are very attractive and I am very serious about pursuing you and I am NOT going to be cheap on the resources and doing it because essentially I would direct my life resources towards you if we were together so this is this is the signal that he is sending her now it's perfectly reasonable as we step it down to more normal spending habits that then what we remember the spending habits shouldn't be so far out of line with it as you are as a person because that this should be your socioeconomic status so the so but of course we're gonna dial it back but the female den does not care that we dial it back a little bit later on in the courtship because essentially she's recognizing that you are prudent with your resources that you do not spend them wildly or frivolously and that therefore you are a responsible person in terms of finances and that you are would be a good person to be pair-bonded to because you are not you know fertilized and so there's nothing along with this basic strategy if you're playing pair-bond strategy okay and so the next part is don't set the bar too high first dates are about figuring out if the person is a reasonable human or totally nuts going to the fanciest restaurant and then arranging for a flock of doves to emerge from your dinner after that just isn't just overzealous it sets the wrong kind of tone for future dates like where do you go after that the second it's have to be better than first dates because you've already burned through all the small talk and pleasantries yeah you know what this is all dating advice from morons first of all nobody does goes over the top like crazy on the first date unless you're after casual heading structure okay so if you're a high provisioning male with a lot of money to throw around and you're trying to impress a sugar baby then go for it of course you're gonna have a dog you know but just you're gonna put them on a jet and whatever the hell it is that these people do that's not what we're talking about and nobody goes over the top crazy on date one okay so that's that's that's not a threat that anybody needs to be warned against they have to be warned against typically of looking too cheap okay that's what you need to be warned against you need the understanding that you're sending a signal now the this is what is about by the way this is called signaling theory and so this is this is was a major innovation in biology in the 1990s where we came to understand that animals are constantly sending signals to each other and then it was a little while later that Geoffrey Miller brilliant psychologist University of New Mexico started to his head started to get clear over the fact that human beings are also just like animals sending signals constantly and so the dating the early dating situation all of it every single bit of it is nothing other than signal signal signal signal signal these are all signals going back and forth and so the signals are what do I really think of you you know into why am i interested what are my intentions you know etc and so the concept of Gil's the session dates better than the first date it's just completely out of bullshit you you go to the second date that it should be relatively the same in terms of provisioning is the first day the if you're serious and interested in the person what counts in the second date you you're not quote out of small talk you are never out of small talk with the right person the truth of the matter is is that you people are if they are what what it's happening is one thing that you will notice in humans that makes them utterly unique in the animal kingdom is that before they mate they talk and they talk a lot okay and so what we're doing is that we in win conversations which you are doing is you are going through the second half of the problem with respect to selecting mates the first half of the problem is what do they look like okay do you find them sexually attractive visually they find you sexually attractive visually that is problem number one that's a huge problem okay now if we managed to get past those two barriers on each side then we have to walk through their minds because there's there's the nature of the beauty of who is that they are as a person and you may not find them that beautiful on the inside and they may not find you that beautiful on the inside so if it's quote going well there is no way to I was explaining this to the client the let's say there's a hokey Theory out there in in in sort of this romantic speculation that that a romance has to do with following a sequence of actions properly like the recipe for a cake and that if you don't do something it's sort of in the right order with the right timing you're going to mess it up this is utterly ludicrous this is not how it is human beings have deep genetically built algorithms inside their heads to go through a process of betting mates this is why people could have been very interested in each other at one point in their life but one of them already had a partner and they were in a marriage etc etc then four years later that that person you know those two people might have met briefly in some meeting for like kicked around and had like 20 minute conversation and yet the big part ways they know who each others are that's my cousin's friend know so-and-so but you know I'm married I'm not gonna do anything about it you know she she's and who knows then four years later they find out oh that's happened a purse is available many love stories look like this where now it's like holy smokes this is exactly what happened with Michael J Fox by the way Michael J Fox and Matt Tracy Pollan when I think issue she was a guest on his show you know 30 years ago and he was very interested they had that week of interaction where they shot the half-hour show win over less family ties and then a two years later she broke up with her boyfriend and he heard about it he was like really ha that's too bad where's the phone so this is because the people are vetting each other you aren't baking a cake and creating a romance that is not how this works romantic notions and attraction to individuals it emerges spontaneously out of the interaction of those two individuals it does not require a fancy restaurant it doesn't require having a lot of fun it doesn't require any ambiance you can be sitting on a curb in the middle of an industrial area with with smog okay those two people are talking making eye contact listening learning asking questions and vetting each other as they walk through each other's minds they look at each other's bodies they look at each other's faces they look at facial expression they become the stories they essentially are finding out whether or not each other qualify at the minimum standard for every single value that is important to each other if they do not qualify at minimum standard on every single thing then this thing will die and so have masses of acceptability yeah go ahead so I'm thinking like because of because of this does that does that make it so that the the actual amount that you spend in a restaurant or a first date is that less important for instance if people are going to have that connection and they're just they have that connection meeting up for coffee and then you know or maybe that maybe I'm just being cheap who knows yeah you are being cheap if the truth matter is let's suppose you what's it like look look at how disastrous is remember what the female is doing if she is she is looking at essentially even on a first date when you haven't met her let's suppose you at a match.com profile and you thought you're interested right and so you you actually decided to meet for a dinner date and you decided yeah but I'm not really sure I'd be really that interested in the school so the truth is I'm going to cheap it out I'm gonna go to a place that I'm going to get out of the forty-four bucks okay because you know what being Who I am financially I could reasonably afford the no it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to spend seventy but you know what I'm not going to do it I'm gonna try to cheap it out and get out of there for under fifty bucks so you pick a place where you think you're going to save $25 on this whole place and what walks in okay what walks in is the right girl and now what you're doing is you're you're in a little bit of stress cuz you're like shit okay I could have sent it you know I should have upped the skin now hopefully and you probably will get away with it if she is the right call but it's still not the right strategy okay so you're you're putting yourself you're handicapping this process and it's it's a it's a dumb move to save twenty five bucks so let's suppose that maybe you get twenty twenty two new dates a year so you're gonna spend an extra twenty five bucks a date this is a six hundred you know twenty five dollar investment best investment you'll ever make my future dates will thank you dr. Lyle there you go all right all right question number the the point number five we got a couple more to go building up build up to the expensive stuff if you really want to plan ahead or aren't sure how things are going like a blind date or a fear of commitment give yourself a buffer intro date something that's better to start with something chill pressure less pressure inexpensive like drinks then if things turn out to be a failure you can just quietly excuse yourself without spending a ton diving headfirst into a michelin-rated restaurant just to have the person tell you that she's involved in organized crime will be people awkward and expensive yeah this is all sort of reasonable and obvious and it's just what we've been talking about so rocky yeah that we can skip that go ahead good all right and then we've got three two more its pre-planned a little bit I know you're in in the moment type of guy but it's easy to stick to a budget if you know exactly what the bills going to be in advance things that this is the kind of stuff that falls into the cute first-aid category like comedy shows are gallery openings and concert and then these days also establish you as someone with a little bit more imagination than the standard guy who says let's go get drinks now what I was on when I was younger I when I was younger I was take girls on dates I didn't have a lot of money in college things like that I would say hey let's go for a walk on the beach or let's go watch a sunset or something kind of if I won't reveal all my secrets here but right but something like something like that where as what they're saying is kind of do something similar I mean there's there's no this all this all falls under the category of you know how is it that you've met them and have you leaped over the first hurdle yet which is the most important hurdle which is that everybody appears to be acceptable to each other physically but it's a massive hurdle okay so the there's all different ways to play this and so I into again if you're in college and you don't have a lot of money then you're not going to be since you're not making $50 dollars we're not taking somebody out to a $50 dinner and so there's all kinds of you know at that point the the you know in the old days the they wouldn't even take a go out to dinner they would take them for a soda okay or they might go to the movies so in other words it depends upon the the whole socioeconomic status of an individual etc so yeah I think I think I've kind of covered this issue pretty well so let's just kind of skip on and see what the next question is okay that sounds good and you know you've yeah you've already touched on all this and the last point is actually saying exactly what you've said is don't be cheap you have to pay and be gracious about it and don't have any expectations don't even joke about quid pro quo sex and I also say which is what you suggested is that if your date offers to to split it with you and if she's super adamant about it then you'll probably take it as a sign of a very highly independent person or that he or she isn't that into you yes and that they're somehow they dead like PTSD about too many people trying to get quid pro quo the I would say that the right move is if she tries to pay you say no and if she insists you say no again okay and you say of course not okay it's my pleasure right so you this is what you signal and the your this is going to happen to typical guy it's going to happen like almost never okay so the that when it happens I mean it might happen what ten times in your lifetime so yeah get ready okay get ready for making the right decision okay so this is a this is this is you know this is a $500 lifetime strategy distributed over several you're dating career that's investing you make the right decision the right decision is oh no it's my pleasure you invited them you're the male or the female okay they it's a highly conscientious female that it's offering to pay she doesn't really want to pay she doesn't because if she if you say sure then what you're signaling to them is that they're not that attractive if you are really not that attracted to it all and you feel like she's a dog and you feel like she lied by 25 percent on a match.com photos and you're kind of pissed off that you're even in this situation and she offers that and you're like God let me cut my losses and fair enough you've got my blessing okay I still think in general it's a bad idea and so you're the default on that decision is to say oh no this is this is this is on me and never look back
Back to the top
🏃     👖




Artist