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Episode 159: Internal audience, public speaking, Hot cold lovers,Getting over a breakup
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dr. Lisle and your best guess did Lance Armstrong win over his internal audience to this day in interviews he justifies his doping because everybody else was doing it of course they were Jose Canseco and baseball makes the same argument that you can give a hundred ball player steroids and even then they won't put in the work and then become the next Jose Canseco are these athletes winning over their internal audience or do they feel like they cheated could they be so narcissistic that they have fully deceived themselves where do we draw the line at performance and has enhancing substances in the modern environment um yeah kind of an interesting question I would say that that each of these people are individuals and they've each got their own individual process that they're going through Lance Armstrong from what I can tell it's just an unbelievably narcissistic imman and and just just a seriously bad apple and so I think that Lance Armstrong could justify just about anything it's a it's a so in terms of what goes on in the internal audience of a hyper hyper disagreeable you know person like that I don't even know what goes on in there quite not in other words if you think about think about a continuum a bell curve of agreeable disagreeable and think of a person who's at the 99th percentile for disagreeable so essentially even if they are let's suppose they've got enough conscientiousness that they are not in fact a sociopath but they are pretty close in other words if we if we slide the conscientiousness scale down a little bit you know there isn't a moment that we call it a sociopath or not a sociopath it's a matter of degree and so Lance Lance Armstrong did many things that it would be reasonable to call sociopathic and so with a the it's clearly a haywire human that would not have lived in the Stone Age in other words he would have been he the good old boy network in the Stone Age environment would have watched his nasty behavior and they would have eventually taken him out so that's why that's why disagreeable behavior at that level is not typically you know it's not typical of human beings at this point in time now undoubtedly it was more typical of them five hundred thousand years ago so essentially us against them me against you know you know minimum of cooperation and just egregious self-interest that that is a sensually immoral behavior reminiscent of you know an animal predator so the and that's think about the similar question might be what's the internal audience of a Charles Manson now obviously those two guys differ by by you know essentially some kind of their there's a divide so Lance Armstrong is into Charles Manson but it smells similar it's their cousins psychologically so Armstrong had had no compunction to do some of the rather amazing things that he did in pursuit of getting to the top of dominance hierarchy I don't think Canseco is from what I can gather I don't think it's a cuss in the same league for being ruthless as an Armstrong the so the question about their internal audiences I think is a gets to be a little bizarre because remember your internal audience has a got awful lot of your personality in it since it's the same genes that built it so Armstrong's internal internal audience is extremely self-serving in how it's going to observe everything and so so I have a feeling that he hasn't had a much inner turmoil and how it is that he's behaved now when it comes to our own you know place in in anything like this this is a these are interesting problems and everyone draws the line a little bit differently with respect to how it is that they manage competitive issues and what what is cheating and what isn't cheating and how far do you take it the and all of us have been in dicey situations where we were not sure what is it that we should do I would say that in general the notion is is that the your default should be to do it right and even if it's costly to you in some way that you can you know that you can manage that you don't get suckered in by the notion that everyone quote else is doing it now if you're trying to get out of a Nazi concentration camp and everybody is saying that they're not Jewish then for ball by all means say that you're not Jewish okay there's a time in place when you know it ought to serve a purpose the but one of the important purposes is to be able to look yourself in the mirror and to feel like your achievements you know that your internal audience is respectful and admiring of how this did you handle things I look back in I think I can't remember what Olympics it was it might have been 1992 I think I might have been Atlanta yeah maybe I was 96 when Flores for Griffith Joyner was poking up the track those of us old enough to remember with a flo-jo was the hottest thing in those Olympics she was beautiful she was super fast and she was beating everybody by a mile sprint and that she's cheating at probably the most talented runner of that generation was Evelyn Ashford and I'm sure to this day Evelyn Ashford can look herself in the mirror and you know shrugs her shoulders she did the very very best she could somebody else cheated and flo-jo died as a result of some kind of cancer it's not surprising when you start using these kinds of things so anyway god but do it right is the way to do it and it's a major league baseball and the cycling world these these uh this was a tough situation for this is what happens when you don't have appropriate police forces this reminds me of commerce in the third world where you have changing regimes changing rules this is a big reason why why India is a total mess it turned economically because they change the rules and they change the rules constantly and nobody has any consistency etc and so it you wind up with a total political economic fiasco this is why the United States so successful and other countries because despite all the vitriol that you'll get in the political scene the rules stay almost identical from from year to year and therefore people can settle in and play the game and compete with each other for for selling shoes and socks you know on a playing field that make some sense the so it was very exciting for baseball they knew damn well these guys were dirty and so did Barry Bonds as he watched people outstrip him when he was massively superior to them so he decided he'd reduce himself what he was going to be left behind that was a mistake and and that was he should not have been active avoided the temptation and simply do poor level ashford and do it right no matter what the consequences are and event and he wouldn't have the trash of the career that he now has as everybody looked back on him so yeah when everybody else cheats you just do it right unless there's something on the line that you cannot afford okay Jose Canseco had enough talent he could have been an excellent major league hitter and he was he was a legitimate major leaguer and he should have left it at that Mark McGwire they're also now lives in infamy we'll never go into the Hall of Fame even though he was the first man to break Babe Ruth's record or Roger Maris's record the no now he's an infamy so Sammy Sosa okay so is Barry Bonds this is we point at these guys when really it was the police force it was major league baseball that stuck their heads in the sand and allowed this fiasco to happen base it was so bad that they finally cleaned up their act I don't I don't particularly blame these people except they made poor choices when I when I think that these were 30 year old young men full of testosterone and you know now that I'm pushing 60 30 years old they seem like children to me they're grown men and they're making grown man decisions but but they're not very grown-up and and they're not they're not very smart and they're not very wise and they're under a phenomenal amount of pressure and they make mistakes the so they did and they and they have to live with those consequences but for us I would say that in general as you look at look at your world whenever you're in these situations play it straight and and unless there's something outrageously important that you cannot live without reasonably and everyone else quote is cheating then then you have to weigh that cost-benefit let's hope that you're never in those circumstances excellent dr. Lyle now now you know my position has always been that if they're going to make steroids you legal for athletes they should make Photoshop illegal for models what do you think about that now that's interesting I I had never thought about that the UH yeah I don't think I think quite the same that's alright on we go well okay okay yeah I was yeah well that's a joke honestly you know I'm agreeing with you yeah I'm thinking you know in the competitive arena of sports that that's the answer is steroids whereas with beauty the answers now shop you know they're not really liked you know I guess I guess you can consider breast enhancements and plastic surgery the the steroid of the the model world yeah but sure but you know does that mean that a model should issue from you know Photoshop or those types other things no I don't think so in other words this is the this is a that's a whole different issue the in in those kinds of situations we don't have you know objective records involved we don't have the fact that other people would have to do essentially potentially lethal harm to themselves in order to compete also the competitive hierarchy is so different it's not it's not nearly so narrow it's a whole this is a whole different kettle of fish I feel like if someone wants to do all kinds of things their body at the hands of the plastic surgeon in order to be a little bit more competitive for a very short period of time you know there's no it's not quite the same thing as as putting drugs inside your system that that are unbelievably dangerous and so and then having an entire hierarchy of super high pay and enormous differences in that pay depending upon whether you hit 20 home runs or whether you hit 14 and that models don't face that the in Photoshop certainly isn't doing anybody any harm other than other than the competitive periodical or website that's trying to get more eyeballs on the thing so nobody's being harmed by that other than we're living in a silly world of you know supernormal stimuli but that's not a crisis and it's not even a crisis when some model you know how or any other individual has a bunch of plastic surgery this is a very private thing that isn't directly causing another individual to wind up being in an impossible competitive situation that's not that's not what's happening there that's a personal decision about what that's individual wants to do and it's guaranteeing them nothing whereas when you have a closed system of elite athletes competing for huge contracts lifetime changing monetary issues and the differences are is clear that the differences might the differences in performance performance-enhancing drugs can make a huge difference in a person's monetary the difference between not being in the major leagues and making ten million dollars a year there is no plastic surgery or drug or anything else that any model could ever take that would have that kind of an impact and so and and so anyway the whole thing is I see there's superficial similarities but it's not even close to the same contest and say muscies these performance-enhancing drugs I think are I haven't seen data on this but I I fully expect that they have pretty radical major long-term consequences for many people and so to have a system set up where we are aware that these self damaging products are definitely useful in the competitive sphere and we put people in position that if they don't use them that are a competitive disadvantage for you know these elite spots I think that's a huge mistake and I don't think it's the same game as whether or not you take a chance on a plastic surgeon I think it's quite different mm-hmm that makes sense that makes sense with a internal audience and of a model who's a Goddard got rich and famous from using a lot of these you know what are internal audience be as impressed with herself do you think oh god knows what goes on there I mean yeah I I think that's such a highly individual thing I think that that's a that that is a bizarre and difficult business to be in obviously it's generally short term short run very young people the ultimate of superficiality and and subjectivity this is not parking about home runs over the fence this is you know you getting picked and and a hundred and seventy seven other women that are equally attractive to you not getting picked and you getting a big contract and none of them getting anything that's so who the hell is going to take their chances on some plastic surgeon you know going after your eyebrows with that good luck to you how the hell do you know that that's going to make a difference so this is uh that that's more like you know those are lottery tickets and spinning the wheel the and and bizarre anyway so yeah I don't know about the internal audience of models I don't think it would that such a haywire situation and such a such a bizarre world to live in that that I don't I don't know that it would particularly bother any model if she managed to win the game by using plastic surgery I don't think the notion is is that you're supposed to win it fair I think it's it that's the ultimate of the Oakland Raiders just win baby whoever you have to sleep with in however you have to sleep with them that's how you get a job fantastic sit all right all right our next question dr. Lyle hmm I teach workshops and give speeches at my job and even though I've done it for twenty years I still spend way too much energy I'm always well prepared and I get 95% positive feedback I know I'm a good teacher and I should feel safe but why on earth does my nervous system over react as if I was in danger nobody would know this since I'm seem very self-confident but my hands and feet get cold and I get the nervous sweat and have to dress to cover that up what can I do to beat my jeans and calm down by the way I'm healthy and not overweight well there's a let's back the camera up and look at this thing from the 10,000 foot view any any psychological experience that a person is having is the result of two factors those factors either genetic or our environmental so in fact what they are is their environmental inputs and acting on genetically built neural circuits so a highly anxious presenter has has two factors that could be the result result in the unpleasant process one of them is genetic in other words they're just simply super conscientious high-strung and therefore have a lot of anxiety and particularly in that particular circumstance of presenting which is a generally a highly anxious thing for most people the other issue could be environmental so let's look at what we mean what I mean by environmental I mean the the we already know we've got a nervous system that is that is high-strung in this regard we are this is obvious so the person has been doing this for a long time and they so they have a great deal of evidence that they're competent and they're not going to lay an egg and they may put they're well prepared consistently then then we already know we've got a hyper conscientious nervous system that sits on a great deal of anxiety so the question is what what can we do we can't change that nervous system the the genes are off the table and we already know that the genes are fundamentally responsible for for what we are observing so the question is can we do something to the environmental inputs that that would impact how the how this nervous system would be reacting now the first thing so the person reasonably is saying hey I'm really good presenter I do it over and over again I keep getting good results why the hell am I so anxious and what can I do about it well the first thing is is that the anticipation of the of the feedback from the audience isn't the only environmental factor that's in the game here what's in the game also is the person's finances so we have to look down through there down arrow that's actually taking place inside of their mind and discover where the worst case scenario is so you can imagine that the person may not have actually thought through well what will happen if it goes south what will happen if I if I don't do so well or I do particularly poorly where there's a decision-maker in the audience or there's a monitoring of me and it turns out that I get cut loose from a lot of my income am I in fact secure and do I have other skills or other venues by which I could still make a good living I would want to know is that nervous system sitting in a position of power where they've fought through the worst case scenario very carefully and they've figured out how it is that they are going to manage it if the worst case scenario happens so that would be one thing that I would recommend that they would do is if they would talk to me and I was their therapist I would be very carefully walking them down through the very worst case scenario in the worst case scenario is not being embarrassed in front of a crowd it's in fact quell I of being embarrassed in front of a crowd and in fact having everything go to shit as a result of that so that's that can be driving not having processed that and be thinking through how one would manage the worst case scenario can be adding or keeping an extra set of anxiety in that system so that's one thing we would do the other thing that I would do I would have a couple of techniques for I mean as a speaker myself there's a there's a couple of useful techniques that that are worth knowing and that is that if you're very anxious about anything your wedding you know them in your mother-in-law's visiting and you're going to cook her dinner whatever the useful thing to do is to is to drain off adrenaline so when the person is talking about their hands feet getting cold or whatever does we're looking at adrenaline processes obviously and so what these are is these are these are stone-age mechanisms to help you deal with predator challenges and so you can sit right there in a bath of adrenaline and but the nervous system effectively is doing is it's sitting with that it's it's got one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake and the brake is actually heavier than the gas because when you're in a predator-prey crisis you actually don't want to move so you are you are feeling frozen and you don't want to do much movement you're tempting to maintain silence and so that so you're you're actually trying to be quiet and skilled not be noticed now once you start moving your large muscles your Stone Age brain infers that you are in fact in an all-out run for your life so the predator can hear you snapping twigs as you run through the bushes and so you're either going to survive or you're not going to survive and this is all going to be over in a minute or less probably about thirty seconds so what I would recommend a speaker to do is to get themselves in a position before they speak where they jog in place and they jog a place repeatedly and in fact give themselves a good workout for about ten or fifteen minutes because if they if they jog a place get tired catch their breath jog in place and get tired catch their breath jog a place get tired but to catch their breath you keep doing this and what's happening is you're draining the adrenaline down you're actually utilizing the adrenaline and the fact that you are not in fact being torn apart by a predator as a result of this causes the stone-age brand to make inferences that we have survived now that we have taken our foot off the brake and put it on the gas and started large muscular movements that are noisy we now are aware that we are we have survived the crisis and when you've survived the crisis the adrenaline starts to get dialed down in other words the brain is a is a redundant recursive eavesdropping device and so as as it notices parts of the brain notice that we have not been eaten by a predator even though we're full of adrenaline and therefore in a predator prey crisis now we have drained out adrenaline off we are breathing hard we've used the big muscles and therefore we survived therefore there's no reason to keep turning on the adrenaline high okay and so at that point we should find the anxiety to be significantly reduced so that's another thing that I would do another thing that you can do is a speaking technique that can be useful is to most speakers in fact almost all speakers will go out on on stage and they attempt to earn status from the audience this is a mistake what you want to do is you want to go out there and lose status with the audience because that's your worst case scenario the audience is naturally braced against giving you status they're there they're ready to listen but they essentially to some degree have their arms folded in other words they're essentially defending against your earning of your status you're going up in front of them as if you're on the balcony looking down at them you are you have been granted the the title of the head of the village and there can be moderate resentment in the unconscious processes of an audience certainly in many members of the audience about this so what we want to do is we want to defuse this as quickly as possible so one of the smart things that you can do is to begin any presentation with a self effacing process so you think through what that self effacing process can be so so you can you can look at the the work that I do if you look at my my little 17 minute TED talk that I do on the pleasure trap I always come out with an opening where I am self effacing that's not an accident that that is a that's a very careful part of speaking that basically causes the entire audience to say alright this guy's not full of himself he's not declaring himself the top man he's not declaring himself that he should be the head of the balcony he's totally cool and he doesn't see himself as above us that's that that is the plan and so if you use that plan that plan if you if you organize a way to do it is foolproof it cannot miss that's because it is in fact the source code it's getting down into the source code of the problem the problem is with an audience do they do they feel like you know do they like you well if they feel like you're above them talking down that's your biggest threat that's where it goes wrong so instead what we're going to do is we're going to make damn sure that we don't come across with that now if you're a good speaker and a good presenter and you don't and you do not come across as full of yourself you're going to be fine and this person's been fine their whole career they and that's because they have not screwed it up but we can actually do one notch better than that so you've gone up there and done excellent presentations because you're well-prepared and people you know concede after 5 or 10 minutes that yeah you deserve the balcony and okay it's all fine and this person is a good speaker and okay fine but you might live with the anxiety of not being sure that it's going to work okay whereas if you have a technique of self effacing process in the first minute you will soon find out that it always works and it always works better than anything else that you can do and that tells you that you're speaking right to the source code of the audience that they are relieved that you are not full of yourself okay and so now now you can instantly get that feeling that's what we call rapport okay so that's a that's something for this person to consider and just for anybody out there that ever does presentations in general that's a useful thing to know about what's going on between performer and audience the finally a thing that I would say that occurs to me is person saying that they over prepare so of course they do you're a hyper conscientious nutcase and so they're over preparing so one of the things that we can do is we can run a series of experiments and the series of experiments would be to essentially plan to prepare you know 10% less and we're going to do that a few times and we're going to see whether or not it costs us anything and then we're going to prepare 10% less after that and we're going to if a person give us a lot of presentations if this is a consistent thing they do for a career we can walk this down to where we learn by experience that in fact we can we can spend half the time preparing that we're preparing and we're going to be fine but we don't take a big chance never make a big decision when a small decision will do make a 10% difference first and then walk it down and we might find that you know six months from now we're doing half as much prepping but we've convinced ourselves in a in a process of successive approximation experiments that we're fine so those are those are the ideas that I would give this person and and and hopefully some of them those ideas will be useful for them and useful for others dr. well that's fantastic I love that I have shared many of the many of those tips on your with other people with with your talk on the platter trap and I always wondered too if when you come out you kind of rub your hand and I wonder if that's also a technique hmm when I'm sounding like a stalker here I've like paid attention to every other words I was like a on purpose part of my goofy personality well I I'm actually intending to show people that I'm goofy okay and and I am goofy and so I want them to know that I'm goofy and so that in doing so that's part of an honest presentation the look I'm not up here to to talk down I'm just a goofy guy but I got some ideas to share with you and that that's where we go with that yeah but they're rubbing my hands that's right I forgot about that I that's not an intentional thing that's just goofus alright our next question is a very peculiar question by listener of ours who enjoys running evolutionary psychology experiments in his life doctor well one thing that baffles me is when I tell my girlfriend's gets plural when I tell my girlfriend I love them kiss them hug them and do other displays of affection their response degrades to rather cold within days they rarely spontaneously reciprocate physical affection yet if I turn cold for a few days and have the you are like dirt mentality then suddenly I get hugs kisses sexual massages and other displays of affection I'm rougher in bed as well doing what I want with little regard for whether she enjoys it it does not make sense but these women liven up in bed as well and actually tell me that they like it more how do i balance displays of affection to a woman without eliciting this kind of cold you value me so I'm better than you type of response I'd like a positive esteem dynamic both ways it's almost like I lose both ways either too cold responses or to the bitterness I have to cultivate pull this off alright alright this reminds me of of things that you'll hear from time to time say gosh people from Atlanta they're like this state they're out they always like this and they're this is how they are people from Boston this is how they are it's like no I've actually been to both those places and quote people from Boston aren't in a particular way and people from Atlanta aren't in a particular way there are got different accents and maybe maybe some some mild cultural differences that you can pick up on but the effect sizes are tiny compared to the individual variation within the within the people but within the individuals so there's a hell of a lot more variation uh between 30 people in Boston then there are in the personalities of the different sectors of the United States generally the ie people from LA aren't any particular way there's 8 million or 10 million individuals and they're all different now so this is an example of an overgeneralization so the individual has a small n he's probably talking about less than three people and he has not actually observed over the course of quote a set of experiments of twenty of these people is not in fact observed correlation coefficient at all he's observed probably in a single individual a process that has puzzled him and therefore the answer is in the specific personality of the individual that's on the other end of this not on a general process of human females in relationships ok so I think we can back up the camera and really see what the question is is it true that if you treat females like shit and are completely unresponsive and don't care about what their sexual results are when you're having sex with them and you're essentially an ass that they are sooo perfection and love you more answer not true ok that is not a universal characteristic feature of the female brain now could it be characteristic of an individual female in a particular ecological context yes it could be so for example if a female is not so sure that the guys really that worth it that he's maybe not cool enough for her and then then maybe and she's got a she's got a particular personality that likes people that are rougher and rougher edge and more disagreeable and this guy's on the line for being too agreeable and now we start acting disagreeable it now makes her feel like she's in better circumstances she's all into it of course very possible this is the individual differences in female psychology so the same thing could be true let's turn the camera around and let's see what it looks like from the other end so let's suppose there's a bunch of men and these guys are individually different when a female is asking the question like one guy wants to be tied up and whipped the another guy wants to pretend that he's the Sultan and you're you're you're serving him look at how different they are so a woman on the other side could say why is it I've had these guys and I've run experiments that when I tie them up I try to tie them up and whip them you know they really like it and then when I'm nice they're not like no you just had some weirdos so the the answer to the question is this is not a species wide phenomenon the experiment quote hasn't been run it's been a very small end little individual issue that's nothing more than anecdotal and the answer to the problem that this young man is seeking which is a person that he can be himself with and that person likes just who he is as he expressed his affection and has a relationship and expresses his appreciation in the way that he would like to the answer is find the girl that bets okay that is the answer to the mystery and if you are acting out a different personality and it's working with a given female it means you got the wrong female for you that's all testing doctor loved us all right yeah it kind of kind of seems a little bit from the the world of the pickup artists and things like that sir huh all right dr. Wilder in our actions about getting over a breakup dr. Lisle almost three years ago my boyfriend of nine years broke up with me he said that what we have is not enough for him and he's not in love with me anymore the truth is that we've been having some problems for six months and had discussed the possibility of breaking up both of us felt attached to each other though and did not want to lose each other but still something felt wrong for both of us and we kept behaving a bit nasty to each other he went ahead first and asked to break up and I was totally not ready for it I don't think I'm in love with him but I miss him and I can't imagine life without him we've met twice he's passed to two and a half weeks and both times he said that he loves me and kept showering me with compliments we ended up having sex not the tender and sweet kind more of the hot carnal kind it was not planned and we tried to withhold for as long as we could but caved in in the end my question is given that we have sexual desire for each other we care about each other what is the best way forward for us or rather for me there's no getting back together from his side at least and I don't think I would want that either I miss him so much though and everything reminds me of him I don't think I can go cold turkey especially when he's so responsive and says he loves me and tries to make me feel happy it's rather messy I know but nine years is a long time eight of them quite happy I don't know how to proceed and I'm afraid without him for some reason I'm scared that I won't be able to fall in love ever again on the other hand it's heartbreaking just go to he may be with someone else should I can't stay in contact with him or should I suffer alone and cut him out of my life completely alright well unfortunately we probably don't have the most important piece of data that we need to answer this question and the most important piece of data we need is how old are you and you want to have kids without that question I can't I can't give this person the answer that I would give them if the answer is I really want to have kids then the answer is get the hell out okay and because this is not mr. right if the answer is I don't want to have kids and where it's not very important to me then the answer is well no problem you just play it out and you know you you haven't had enough sand kicked in your face yet and but you will it's on its way you've had six months of sand kicked in your face and you need a little more sand kicked in your face if if if a guy says you know this is not enough I'm not in love with you he's kind of run the CB and this is this is not you know a great place so the fact that you have to consider that there's going to be essentially a continuum of qualification so the it isn't that you qualify or don't qualify you clearly qualify for casual meting strategy so but the question is do you qualify for him to be at peace with the concept of pair-bond strategy ie that you're the best deal that he thinks he's going to get and the intermediate to long term future and the answer is no that's not what he thinks right now so kind of what you are is a casual mating strategy / Plan B now that's a that's a hard place to be if you're a female and a woman and so this is uh and I would again say that nobody can this is sort of a right brain problem we're not going to analyze this and sell you on a solution to a right brain problem you're going to feel your way to this one and you've got some more feeling to do but the handwriting is on the wall and I think that these things sort of settle themselves in the long run in the long run meaning the next few months however if you're if you're under the gun for time you're 36 and you really want to have children and this was the guy and you're 9 years in you've been with him since you were 27 and you thought this was it you thought this was going to be your husband and the father of your kids and your lifetime partner and he's telling you you don't qualify then you need to get out okay that's that's what I would recommend that you do but it depends upon how how important those goals are to you a mistake would be to fight for that individual and try to grab a hold of them get yourself pregnant then hang on you know trust me I've seen it with people close to me I've seen I've had friends of mine the pull bets tent and what they got was they got 30 years of mediocrity is what they got they got what they deserved so don't do that to yourself so that that's a that's a mistake that's a waste of life so instead so that's the question that I would have this woman answer first to herself where do you stand with respect to kids if it's an important issue and you're getting up against the clock ie you're 34 if you're 34 years old you're up against the clock you're 32 you can afford to you can afford to burn another six months and sort of let this play its way you're 34 you better you better be ready to move on and understand that that that this is a this is a fundamentally this is a fundamentally deficient relationship and that trying to morph this thing into more than it is is you know could be very expensive could be could be the time you needed to be on the market to actually find someone for whom you actually qualify and before you have children with anybody unless you're independently wealthy and a real free spirit or some such thing you want to really qualify you you want to really know that you qualify you want to pad quite a bit a track record with the individual you want to be certain because if you're going to do if you're going to take that journey you want to take it with someone outstanding who is really into you dr. loyal fascinating and this this listener emailed us this was April last year so we apologize you can get a take so long to get these questions and hopefully some of these situations have been sorted out so ya know if this listener gives us a call and updates us or sends me an email and beat your jeans at gmail.com give us an update and see how things are going and hopefully this answer from dr. Lyle helped a great deal
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