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Episode 158: Are women harder on themselves, Stuttering, Marriage problems, Is there a limit to esteem
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dr. Lyle I'm curious about why women are so much harder on themselves than men I have a business all about making women see themselves differently and love themselves more and I have a Facebook group that I really try to promote self love and self care one thing that I come across a lot is that women are very unreasonably hard on themselves even the most beautiful women will talk about themselves horribly or see something totally different in the mirror however guys are the exact opposite they might be balding overweight yet they stand in front of a mirror flex a bit and think I'm a god my question is why is this why are women so much harder on themselves oh my god all right first of all this is ludicrous the so the lady says that she has a business that is to do this ok well that tells us something she's got a Facebook group etc so obviously this is self selecting for people with these issues and it's self selecting for women with these issues so if we want to build ourselves a little Facebook group guys that are down on themselves we're going to have plenty of people so this is a this is just an example of of a biased sample so it's very very powerful illusion so people can can feel like this winds up then being in a potent part of the egocentric bias that we think that everybody is experiencing you know what it is that we're seeing or what is it that we're feeling and that's pretty much all there is to this there's a there's a long time ago 1980s probably early 80s 40 years ago close to it a an academic by the name of suit Susan Nolan hooks Emma became sort of them had moderate notoriety in academia some decent notoriety she's a legitimate PhD out of the University of Pennsylvania and the cognitive therapy hotbed there and then went on to be a professor at Stanford and then I don't know where else probably Yale the uh but she her thesis was that women are twice as depressed as men now it turned out that upon further reflection and having you know a little more fastidious data gathering on that issue it turns out to not be true there may be there be a mild effect size there but it's not a significant effect size or at least it's not anything like what this gal is is reporting here so the answer the question is not so the answer is that uh yeah you're going to see some some guys that will stand for the mill yeah like myself and you know think of ourselves as a golden God well dr. Lila I've seen some merchandise with your face on it and apparently there's socks there's songs there's there's cups I just used that plays we had a Lister that recognized a few of my favorite lines have come out of the movie almost famous by Cameron Crowe which is a movie I loved and and one of them was where the rock star is higher than a kite and he's standing on a roof in the Midwest with a clouds of small-town people cheering him and he says I would golden guy so yeah most men I know are are just as insecure and worried about their place in the world as women are and they're self-critical they're probably not as self-critical about their appearance because less of their survival and reproductive value is invested there but they're they're worried about their competitive strategy or financially whether or not they're a good provider or could be etc so different you just have to look in the right place for human insecurities and then you're not going to find anything too exciting when it comes to sex differences all right as far as agreeable 'ti and disagree ability is there difference between the genders or the sexes apparently so I think there's a mild mild moderate effect size for women being generally more agreeable so that you know that would that would translate possibly into some a bit of what it is that she's saying but the effect sizes are not giant they're they're modest particularly in the middles of the bell curve now when you start it gets exciting when you start getting out into the tips of the bell curve so extreme disagree ability and violent and dangerous if yet if you have a shift in two Bell overlapping bell curves think of a bell curve disagreeable on the far left and far agreeable on the far right and then we superimpose one curve over the other so we have we begin with them with the female curve and then the male curve is shifted you know a chunk to the left so we can see that there's going to be quite a few times depend upon what that distance is between the two means and it wouldn't have to be large there would be a significant quite significant difference in the tiny tails so we would expect there to be extremely disagreeable men being more common than extremely disagreeable females and so you know that's going to be true however towards the middle of the bell curve those differences are going to be far less pronounced and far less noticeable and they're there but but the effect sizes aren't enough to get too excited about okay fantastic and I'm assuming that there's similar similar situations with other personality characteristics not just agreeable now rebel yeah I actually don't know that that's true and I don't believe that it is true I think that that that is the I think that's the only characteristic where we see a sex difference fascinating okay yeah yeah it's for the very reason that men needed to be more paranoid and defensive about other men in their village and so there they're effectively a much more violent and paranoid and wild animal than a female now that's what people see when they see me they see it a paranoid well with dr. Lesage yeah but but comparatively I actually am and so so what I've spoken about this in in in front of small groups lat like a true north for example and I'm free free associating on this I will sometimes point out that the average male is thinking about his fighting ability three times a week in his lifetime and the average female will never even consider it and so you know I often have homicidal fantasies it doesn't I don't have to draw to drive too long on the freeway before I've got oh okay the whereas that's not typical of the female brain so this is this is just sort of the male brain and it's greater penchant for disagree ability defensive Ness paranoia needed to be there in order to defend the tribe against males who would be coming across the other side of the river aggressive and and bent on stealing your eggs is basically what that was about not mu often stealing your eggs so the that's why males and females are somewhat different and I believe that that's going to translate down into a bit of the effect size that this woman is talking about so by being somewhat more agreeable somewhat more likely to make inferences that things are their fault the female of the species is going to have a bit more of this characteristic than the male but not it's not sharply so you don't see a lot of guys you know slugging it out with each other or even arguing with each other you know behind a counter at the mall in other words the the male of the species is is generally quite tame and therefore subject to the inferences that when something goes wrong it's his fault or in particular if he gets turned down oan for a date he thinks about what's wrong with him he doesn't think well what's wrong with her now is it possible that some men do think that way yes and is it more likely that it's more testosterone eyes males and disagreeable males yes it is okay but the the average guy that we see today in the United States is reasonably tame and reasonably concerned about when he gets rejection word that where he has circumstance competitive circumstances he's making inferences that he may not be enough just as females do mm-hmm I guess some Hollywood movies have taught us otherwise all right all right our next question dr. Lyle when interacting with other people especially people I don't know well I can stutter blush and have to force myself to keep eye contact and I just feel like the urge to get away even though I actually want to socialize and meet new people can I somehow get better at this um you probably can get better and a little light just went on in the corner of my mind one could consult a speech pathologist there we go that's what we hear you about time Darla yeah it's a year late the yeah so yeah that I mean there are people that that they do this for a living they try to help people out with these kinds of pathologies and so you know it would be worth trying I would also seem to me depending upon the severity of it that you could also for example if there's a stereotypic situation that is particularly problematic like for example you know meeting someone on a date or something you could actually plan very carefully what is it you're going to say so that you essentially have a script and when you're with a script then and if you practice it and essentially memorize the script not word for word but concept for concept pretty well well you know what you're going to do then that can make you feel more in position to power your mind isn't searching for what on earth it is that you're going to do so I mean if you think the classic situation some young guy getting tongue-tied by some woman's beauty because you know look at what he's going to say it isn't that he's naturally incapable of talking it's just that at that moment he's not sure what tactic he should take he's not sure what to say and therefore his mind is racing all over the place looking for a solution to the problem and so if he had the solution to the problem and he was you know suave Steve then he wouldn't be a problem he would just get you know pour out his lines and see what happens and so in the same way this is what I would suggest anybody in this situation number one you in principle there's people that know how to help you if depending upon what the nature of the stuttering is although I believe that the help is pretty minor but that doesn't mean that it can't make an impact but secondly for a stereotypic situation as opposed to the general ability to be fluent and relaxed but a stereotypic situation you can get better with practice about what you're going to stay and therefore put yourself in a position of greater relaxation because you know what's coming and you know what you're going to do that's fascinating you mentioned that my theater teacher in high school shared a story that he knew that James Earl Jones the voice of Darth Vader actually had a stutter growing up and one of his ways to combat this was actually to create that deep voice that we hear when we when we hear darth vader and star wars and so that was his his trick to do that and also probably slow jamie's role john has a very slow cadence and that would is probably you know essentially consciously stopping the the stutter from taking place and slowing the whole process down and with the deep voice its dramatic so that worked out really well I think that was probably the other half of that very good fascinating story great story now do you think that stuttering has to do with someone being very highly conscientious and then and then maybe also a higher neuroticism where they're just nervous about what they're going to say or just a you know genetically mediated neurological misfire so I think you're you're likely to find it anywhere but that's a that's a really interesting hypothesis and worthy of a PhD dissertation there you go all right actually it's actually a worthy research question it's fettering is literally part parcel of high conscientiousness slat or neuroticism etc I think that's a really interesting idea I wouldn't be a bit surprised if that were true but I also wouldn't be surprised if it were not true so it's a it's actually a fine dissertation somebody wants to do it mm-hmm Preston here you go yeah all right well dr. Lisle we're going to move the needle a little bit and talk about a relationship question here okay so this listener is asking dr. Weil how do I tell whether my partner's cold and critical behavior towards me is caused by him being highly disagreeable or that he's simply not that into me some backstory I'm a fan of the podcast I work in research and I'm fascinated how you explain human psychology in a no-nonsense way finally a theory that makes sense I have listened to all the episodes but I'm still not clear as hoping you can provide some insight mmm my marriage of ten years has gone from being madly in love to hardly being able to endure a weekend together my husband's a stereotypical computer programmer brilliantly smart introverted untidy and sedentary he's also highly disagreeable hyper conscientious and easily gets agitated he's always been like this but as long as I made him and his need the center of my world everything was fine I married him mainly for his brains I felt super lucky to be with him now I'm 40 we have two kids my husband is no longer priority were one in my life I started to devote more time to my own career and friendships and to our own children I started to voice my own opinions and preferences I started interest investing in my looks clothes and makeup and so with all these changes the relationship started to crumble he blames me for being selfish for ignoring him I resent the fact that he has never given me flowers not even on our wedding day or when I bore borne him a son early in our dating he did give me a couple of expensive and practical gifts a Swiss watch a new smartphone but as soon as we moved in together all romance and special treatments stopped so is he a disagreeable nut or just not feeling that / rewarded by having me I'm probably a six he looks like a five now but if he went to the gym and got a good haircut he could be a seven well big sort of big important question it's a kind of question that it's a similar question there's literally you know a billion people sitting in circumstances that have at least superficial similarities to this and that is you know what do we do when the relationship is no longer a generator of happiness so this person is trying to you know do an analysis here and trying to figure figure out essentially is this trait or state in other words is this is this centrally as good as this guy can get and that's just who he is or in fact is it is it part of the relationship dynamic where he could be better but he's not motivated to be better and he's not motivated to be better because how how much he values me and therefore if that were true could I do things that would cause him to value me more and thereby change his behavior and therefore recover a loving dynamic okay so that that's or alternatively you sort of see afloat here about what the various possibilities are so the possibilities are that this is just to the dude is and this is what you've got okay and and this is how it's going to be essentially forever because of who his personality is or it could be the case that it's because of how it is that he feels about you and how he feels about you is either number one a fixed situation that's the result of simply is existing and unlikely to be a future assessment of you independent of anything that you do about this or it could be did because of what it is that you do and how does that you go about doing things that he would actually change his Sussman or his CV of you have different feelings there boy different behavior so hmm that's the unless I'm mistaken I think I pretty much have the landscape there now when I hear things like this I mean I'm awed I get I have so many different thoughts about it so let me me back up and think let me back up and speak broadly about human nature and the predicament that we find ourselves in the and we can do little thought experiments that would shed light unless let's suppose that these people either had or lived in a time when their their net disposable income each was $150,000 a year let's just suppose that that's where they work okay so that would mean and after taxes okay so that would mean that she could she could move a mile away set up house in a very nice suburban home and and want for absolutely nothing as could he and each of them could would be well enough financially enough that if they if they had a partner come into their lives they would be more than a full partner for any new people that they would never be looking a financial help from a mate because they wouldn't need it okay yeah so let's so in other words we take financial issues entirely out of the equation 100 percent now that's an interesting scenario so if we were to do that what would the decision-making be on the part of these people now I believe that the decision-making would be what the hell are we doing here okay why are we continuing to suffer the the kids can be perfectly happy being have some agreement where they see one parent at one point and another parent at another and there's no no reason why anybody needs to you know go to Hong Kong for a job in other words if people could stay close by and the the children could grow up with both parents as parents then there's no reason why two people where there is such acrimony need to be living under the same roof and pretending to have a relationship and how do I know what this relationship is for all we know they're they're having great sex five times a week and what she's talking about is sort of other issues off to the side not likely okay so what I mean that the first question I'm trying to figure out from people is how happy are you and if if there's not a great deal of happiness in the situation I'm trying to figure out you know when did it go wrong I did it go wrong recently when somebody you know lost a big job or had a terrible accident now they're in acute pain and the last three years when they had the onset of an addiction you know what's the issue and it sounds to me like it started out good as love relationships do and then it sounds to me like there's been a fairly long process by which it's been pretty miserable now obviously these people are not in trouble financially this guy's intelligent successful and I don't know what she does but nobody's starving here however it's unlikely that finances aren't influencing people decision-making now that's not naughty for you to have finances influencing your decision-making it's just interesting so that often people in looking at relationships and giving relationships advice and the authorities on the subject will stick their heads in the sand like a bunch of ostriches and acting like financial considerations are not first and foremost in keeping relationships together that are not happy they are very impactful on that decision-making and it's not surprising that they would be financial issues you know the very nature of the organism is one that's designed by nature to seek resources and therefore resources in principle are essentially always in a the organism is a state of chronic deprivation that's just state of the system and so as a result a person that's in a marriage where the people are reasonably well-to-do and they've got a couple of kids the point is even though they maybe have a six-figure income living in a perfectly reasonable place that's not overly expensive even if that were the case they would likely be feeling economically deprived they would they would have things that they would want and they wouldn't have as much money as they would want to get those things they would want to do more things for their children than they're able to do this sub maybe not much it's not bothering them a lot if they're in pretty good shape but there it is nagging at the corners of their psychology that's because that's the nature of the organism can we get more resources and improve our circumstances that's that that's basic programming 101 for an animal so there are four to contemplate a major reduction in resources by splitting up a relationship and and having to essentially have two houses this is this is a thing that will stop people in their tracks dead in their tracks like whoa not going to do that we can't do that so what we get is a deep breath as they head into the marriage counselor it doesn't have gut one by the way and then we're going to talk about our relationship and talk about how we're going to do things differently and how we're going to have date night and how we need to see nice things we're going to do two little things every day to be nice to our partner etc etc but there's no love there it's gone okay and what we really have is people avoiding the financial specter of having an already somewhat deprived feeling nervous system walk into very significant deprivation comparatively so I don't know that that's the situation here but it's the situation in several million marriages in the United States right this second tens of millions probably so so whether or not it's significant for these people or not we're trying to ask and answer general questions so the first question is how happy are you and the second question is if if not why are we together and there would be more than financial obstacles there would be a fear that a breakup would would cause for example traumatic you know impact on children independent of finances there's no reason why that needs to be true and that you know obviously children adapt to change and the that's a change that they're well adapted to their they were designed by nature to be able to handle the fact that a parent particularly a father may come back dead from a hunt so they're certainly capable of handling the fact the dad might be ten minutes away and that they see him on weekends so there's no no fear for that but that is a natural fear that this is a cataclysmic disaster children will essentially fear it greatly they will be embarrassed and they'll have great anxiety as you would expect if dad was going to leave a pair bond and he was going to hike out over and join some other woman in a village cross the river then in a Stone Age that would be a bad thing and children would try to from happening and our children will try to stop that from happening if they can by squealing loud and indicating a great deal of distress which will pull on the heartstrings of any reasonable parent and keep those parents you know tied together as a result of worrying about the anxiety of the children we face actually answering a call from forgotten ancestors telling them that they better raise hell because if that para bond is breaking up if the para bond breaks up today there is no crisis nobody's dead and the resources and interest continue at some level and again one of the big problems is is is that a lot of times there's a greater degree of economic deprivation you have to decide how much deprivation there's going to be whether or not we're still in a safe neighborhood whether or not we're still on everybody's insurance whether or not we can afford decent shoes and get our teeth and decent food and decent clothes and the answer is usually yes okay now this guy is who he is and this person is capable of being in a romantic relationship even though it's not very easy for him to find such a situation if he is highly conscientious and highly disagreeable with an unstable streak then this is not actually a an individual that we easily fit itself into a relationship that would be what I call a loving paradox okay what we're seeking is a loving paradox and that is that that what causes us to be happy is to see our partner happy it's a paradox because what makes them happy is making us happy so you can see a swirling cauldron of mind-reading as two people try to figure out how can I make you happy because nothing makes me happier than to see you happy that is a really cool fun that's that's what being in love is or loving something is nothing nothing makes me happier than watching my two cats happy just I I give them these fancy treats they get all excited they heard me down the stairs they basically bump into me and lead me into the kitchen where I'd given these things and they're all happy and rubbing against my leg and purring okay nothing makes me happier than this kind of thing the and the same way in friendships and romance when you have a loving paradox you have a situation you not much makes me happier than to walk through the door of my mother's house his you know suffering pretty badly from Alzheimer's and watch her recognize me and watch a huge smile on her face that she sees that I'm there that I care about her and then I'm going to sit down and talk with her and we're going to get all caught up and she she knows that I love her okay not much makes me happier than us so in a romantic relationship it's about naturally and seamlessly trying to be scheming what can I do to make that other person happy if this guy hasn't bought any flowers and it's been communicated that that would make you happy that's a that's quite a signal the so I guess I would say that what what I would do in this case in terms of advice I would probably go in to a marriage counselor one that's a wimp okay which isn't hard to find and I would go in there with an agenda and the agenda would be not to let the marriage counselor try to tell us anything to do but we just want someone there that essentially is a is a referee about how the conversation takes place and then what I would be doing is I would go in with an agenda to use the technique of crystal clear and before crystal clear I would flooded circuit so what I would so you can go to my website and and get instruction on how to do this so you drag this guy in to one therapy session with uh you know take them into a female okay female is going to be nice and passive in this situation typically some male just might think he's going to tell everybody something and have some theory about how it's all going to work we don't need that we just need a nice Pleasant individual there okay if you haven't a person that's there it's more dramatic and the impact that you're going to have on the individual by doing you what I'm telling you to do is going to be greater so what we're going to do is we're going to say listen you know we've had a lot of troubles and our relationship isn't what I would want it to be but I have something that I would really really like to say and get off my chest okay so if I can just take a minute and everybody's going to back up okay and then you start on flooding the circuit and you tell this guy everything that is great about him and you use the technique called attribute anecdote okay you're just so incredibly smart I remember the time when you helped Susie what their thing was so clever I you know etc it's you're so handsome I can remember just feeling this and that when I saw you and blah blah we go attribute in other words the generalization then anecdote which is the specific data that backs it up and we script it so that you don't have to do it word-for-word but you're going to think through all of the things that you like love respect admire about this person and you're going to go into that therapist office and you are going to dump this in a soliloquy that's going to last about 10 minutes now maybe seven maybe three if we got nothing to say okay but the point is is that we're going to have probably a seven minute soliloquy where we're going to just pour out our heart about this and if you cry no problems okay if it doesn't move this guy and he sits there like stone and and doesn't shut it here and couldn't care less and looks to sit interested in annoyed I think that we've got our answer okay if he melts and he has a relief that he despite his you know difficult problematic behavior and the conflicts in the relationship that this guy feels a lifeboat has momentarily arrived and it's like oh my god we still have a chance I still have a chance I have not lost all of your regards and he starts swimming for that boat okay and then he starts feeding you positive feedback as it comes spontaneously out of him then you'll know whether or not there's anything worth recovering there okay so once we have that dialog once we have that exchange that takes place then what we do is we go towards crystal clear and crystal clear is hey I want to know what goes on with you how what am i doing that that it's upsetting you how would you like your life to be different with me in it how could it be better okay and we just keep asking and we just keep asking and asking and we get the whole shebang out okay that's what we do and you don't it doesn't even have to be reciprocated you then walk out of that third therapy session with a map inside your head of what's going on inside of this man's head okay then we'll go from there so whoever this is I would recommend that you that you do something like this we see what happens and you know nothing bad is going to happen as a result of this the it may not be dramatically great and improving but it'll be eliminating and it has the the best chance that I know of actually rediscovering at any significant positives that exists in the relationship so after you do this thing if you do this assignment mission impossible you know do this then feel free to write to me and the secretary will avouch of instruction no feel free to write to me and and we will go from there dr. Lyle fascinating I like step by step processed we got time for one more question we sure do all right this is a question that actually really fascinated me when I first read it so dr. Lau the question is do we have some sort of hard limit in the amount of esteem that our body is willing to to allow us to acquire seems that our body only provides a limited amount of energy for steam building activities when we freeze on my logical cap and therefore does that mean that we have a limit for esteem well that's a it's a bizarre what a group of people you know yeah this pod guess we're going to get some of the most imaginative out-of-the-box thinking in psychology any other psychologists listening to this would be rats in their heads like what on earth you talking about this is actually a very interesting question the let me let me try to answer it in this way the what what what your life is is nothing other than the action of neural circuits so your your life is a hundred percent of the experience of your life is simply nothing other than neurological action and so there's other things happening in your life right now like there's a I don't know your kidneys are filtering sodium but you don't know this you have no no knowledge of this there's all kinds of things happening to you of which you have no knowledge but your life experience is nothing other than the activation of neurons now you have neurons monitoring all kinds of different things how much you know what the sphincter around your bladder Things is thinking of right now your you've got your hypothalamus is monitoring all kinds of things in your body including a hunger Drive all you know temperature regulation your your knowledge of where it is that you are in space relative to you know geopolitical problems etc all kinds of action in that brain that brain is a map your map of your environment of anything that means anything in it and your understanding of your ability to negotiate that map in order to primarily earn and enjoy esteem processes now the is there a limit to how much esteem that that you can get well of course there's a theoretical limit and so the theoretical limit would be the individual who is the most valuable individual in the world to every every creature with a nervous system ie God okay that that is in theory the the entity that has the maximum amount of possible esteem so the more reasonable question for for humans would be is there a is there a limit to the esteem that I can earn or is there a limit to the amount of activation of esteem circuits is really probably the most important question now the thing is is that did just as your your when you've swept tidy you're done sleeping and you can't sleep anymore and just as if you take a breath and it's sufficient then you don't want more you don't want an extra thirty percent oxygen your lungs you've got you've got the right amount and just just view the eating to satiety on healthy food you don't want any extra passed that point the so it's going to be the case that our esteem seeking mechanisms and are essentially a homeostatic well your your motivational system to say complicated multi-dimensional matrix of all of the things associated in in your life with to survive and reproductive problems so the so you are you you are inherently limited in to in the esteem that you can seek because you've only got so much time and energy you've only got so many potential targets if you get a steam from your cat I can't also get a steam from the rat that the cat is chasing okay at the same time okay there's inherent conflicts if you're dating two girls at the same time and the turn turns out that they're pretty good friends sooner or later we're in trouble and you can't get you can't get maximum seeing from both of them at the same time the real question is that you don't want all of these steam in the world what you want is you want to optimize the firing of the neural circuits of the steam of the esteem mechanism that means that there's going to be just as there's enough oxygen at certain point just as enough just as if there's enough sleep at a certain point just is enough temperature being appropriate at a certain point there's a certain point when our esteem circuits are satiated now that doesn't mean that they couldn't be hyper activated by put in front of a crowd like Forrest Gump and have a half a million people cheer for you and they don't even know why it would be kind of thrilling okay to have that be a bizarre experience there'd be a supernormal stimuli but for all practical purposes what counts is earning and receiving esteem in the right way from the people that matter in it you know in an amount that suffice is the system so generally one friend isn't enough because that won't suffice the mechanism it's like being you know it's good it's like putting a jacket on when it's 32 degrees but it's not quite enough jacket because we're still in bare feet so now if we get another friend now we got some shoes on then we got another friend we got some pants on then we got another friend we got a hat and then we got another friend with ear muffs and so now we feel more insulated against the problems of the world and we feel satiated with respect to that them if we find one great romantic partner then it's likely that that for most people one at a time will suffice the circuits not all people but for most people if they find an exceptionally deep relationship where the friendship is tremendous where they have such a commonality of values and they find each other both very attractive that generally will suffice the system at least for a time if not indefinitely if we're lucky and then finally of course in trade you don't need to have all the candy in the store okay so by the time you're a point in his book is filled or whether or not you feel like you've got an excellent job and you're being well paid you don't and you're getting good feedback your nervous system essentially is suffice so our so the question I sort of theoretically interesting but for practical purposes what we're looking for is suffice Inge or you know sufficing evidence that we've done a good job in terms of getting it what is that we want and what is it that we we believe we deserve from the marketplace across those three esteemed domains to the extent that we are that we feel like we are short there then we're going to feel motivated to get more now it's going to be the case that as I said for resources in general you're going to find it most of the time the state of the organism is I want a little more okay not always so just as there's times when you feel like you've slept enough and there's times when you feel like you've eaten enough there's times when you feel like you have enough and people very much seek that feeling for example in romance particularly just one just one really good one and I'm done I don't think you can do better than that I think that that that is the the maximum amount of steam experience that you're it that you're able to have all right ask Tony yeah so it seems like for for food wise we've got we always want to get more food and we store it as insurance for resources we we have money and bank accounts nowadays is there a essentially an insurance for a steam that we can store up for for for periods of scarcity well not really in other words this game is effectively perishable so your you certainly do store it in other words in the amount that you've earned it because people are running cost-benefit on you relative to your competitors and so they're watching your behavior that's a trend indicator to find out what the CB looks like now so you know all things being equal that the person that you that you already know and you already know what the CB is and if you like them because it's a good CB and you've selected them into your coalition that person has an incumbent advantage over any new person now this also obviously depends upon how open to experience you are but all things being equal the incumbent has an advantage because a huge part of friendship and an even trade and certainly romance has to do with insurance processes we're where I'm going to be in a situation sooner or later where I'm sick or injured something bad is going on I've had experienced a loss of some kind and for a short period of time or maybe quite a long period of time mm-hmm I may be a more cost than I am benefit now I I have stored esteem inside your head if I have come through for you when you're in trouble when many times that I had to pony up more cost and I was getting benefit okay so that that is the way you store esteem is through essentially indications that you are reading that the other person was worth it even when their costs were higher than their benefit on the IE you believed in them and you ensured them and you didn't abandon them when the CB suddenly tipped a little bit into the higher seed and B so that's insurance and insurance in human affairs fundamentally comes down to liking and love that's what it is okay the on now so that's that that's the storage process of esteem but it is inherently perishable in other words the person is continuing unconsciously to run a CB on you that you can't help it and so you are always in the process of earning and relearning the esteem through your behavior okay so the yes you've got some stored up but there's a limit to it so it's a pie-in-the-sky notion of you know I'm an honor love and respect you know til death do us apart well this are two pretty good people we heard about tonight hi highly intelligent competent people that that loved each other greatly and had kids together and now that's not happening and there's no crisis okay there's no huge crisis that disrupted the cost-benefit equation and eat and either one of them what happened simply was overtime the CB just tipped a little bit where the C was bigger than the B on one person's part and they quit signaling to the other one that they were valuable and when that signal stops then suddenly you get from the other side you start to realize wait a minute if you don't value me then you become less valuable to me and we begin a cycle you know be essentially a negative cycle of negative reinforcement so we have a that I forget what I call that Nate and what I call that disrespectful vicious cycle yeah there's over civility respectful that's right the yet we start a vicious cycle they're essentially a steam chiseling and and cost reduction in order to get our CB in that situation a little bit better and we wind up with a vicious cycle that winds up being essentially nothing positive getting pushed across the table so we wind up in exactly the opposite situation of a loving paradox literally a hundred eighty degrees opposite so anyway I think that's the story so that's a long long story of a steam process but but yeah your job is to earn a steam in the right way from really the few people that matter they're not that many of them maybe your customer that's in front of you but you don't have a million of those it's it's the relationship potential or the relationship that's in front of you at your friends family you earn that esteem in the right way from the people that matter and if you're not getting slicing feedback then we looked hard at those relationships and figure out whether or not we can make a better move and on the steam somewhere else with somebody that gives us a better trade
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