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Episode 151: Ten paid dates from a man's perspective, open loops from casual flings
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all right well today we've got a couple of questions on the show but but we have a very interesting discussion going on on our Facebook group which is call up the fans of the beat your genes podcast yeah and a while ago one of our listeners started this Facebook group and it's grown since then and we have all these kind of discussions about every topic you can you can think of we recently had a listener who's getting close to finishing a tool where you can actually search for transcripts of all the episodes that we have so if you you know dr. miles laughs a particular phrase that you like you can type it in and it will tell you which episode that that you set it in but that's great had a had a recent discussion from a couple of shows back where we talked where you talked about the ten paid dates rule and mmm we've decided to talk a little bit about it to clarify because the some of the men in the group are just curious and they want to see what I want to hear more from the man's perspective just to give a little background to two to the ten pay dates rule it's basically that dr. Lao what you're suggesting is that when a man is enamored with a girl they will be perfectly fine to hold out for months and maybe whatever it takes and so as a result if the girl does does delay sex with the man she's essentially weeding out the male's who at first you know are not really interested in pair-bonding with her at all and that takes care of most of the men who are not going to prepare on but then an extra few dates also weeds out the man who who are faking being into her pair bond strategy they're just part of their psychologist to fake it so that and then later three months later so when they're dating they right away lose interest so your strategy is for the girl to delay delay delay as much as as much as you know humanly possible so that you can weed out men who are not willing to pair blonde did I get some of that right I think yeah you got most of it right let's let's try to clear my throat one more time the this is from a man's perspective is this this is not a strategy for you this is a strategy to be played on you and the probably the most common there's sort of two there's a there's a twin set of of deceptions that go on in man woman dynamics to two common strategies the they are mirror images of one another the the one strategy is for the male to pretend that he is para bonding to the female in order to access her sexual treasury so that's that the this is just all about the male essentially this is sort of the cost per unit of genetic reproduction and so casual mating strategy you wouldn't necessarily call these things casual versus para bond those are those are two points on a continuum it's really about the amount of paternal investment that a male would make in an offspring and so from the standpoint of a male a male would be exceedingly interested in putting a getting a minimum amount of investment per offspring now you could break that down a little bit further if you wanted to realize that the chances of an offspring are simply related to how many sex acts there are so in nature there's about 20 20 intercourse events or intercourse days days where there's intercourse are going to be associated with about with one with one reproduction more or less it's about it's not quite that but it's 5% per per inter per male orgasm more or less now so in principle what the male is engineered to do not just in humans but throughout the animal kingdom is going to be to try to minimize cost per sex act so you could use a statistic invented by my good friend Larry called the CPSA or cost per sex act okay the so you could also think from the other side what a female's job to do is to try to get the maximum amount of cost or resources per sex act so the male and female are inherently designed to be on opposite sides of this of this problem so the casual mating strategy is the male strategy to try to have the CPSA as low as possible and the pair-bond strategy is really a female strategy towards attempting to to get the maximum amount of resources per sex act that's what it is now somewhere in here there are there are a bunch of dynamics around around how this is is sort of best played out or optimally played out and so you can see and their words now we're getting down into the weeds of evolutionary game theory so it's going to turn out that you know if all the females would hold out X amount then the males are going to have to pony up more etc but it turns out that there's never going to be much in the way of a conspiracy among the females because just like OPEC they'll sell each other out and nothing's laughs okay just as you would expect okay so if all the guys you know how to had a game that said we're not going to we're not going to feed any of these females a free meal are you kidding me we just chat them up and if they if they want to get laid great if they don't walk the other way well there's going to be a guy that says well honey you want to have a nice dinner first and we'll just chat over nice dinner and I'll take care of it for you yeah you just sold out all of his friends okay because now he's signalling a willingness to invest so it's going to turn out that this dynamic of CPSA is going to be played out all over the place this is going to be this is going to be the great dilemma a few nature and the reason why it's going to be the great dilemma of human nature as opposed to other animals why human nature and it's psychology around love romance and sex is going to be such a such a cacophony of emotional noise is going to be because we find ourselves between two different mating strategies that are common in nature either a pair bond strategy or casual mating strategy and so the vast majority of animals are casual mating a minority of animals are our pair bond strategy and human beings find themselves smack in the middle and so every guy that I've ever talked it was honest that was heterosexual I've met some dishonest ones who act clueless like they don't know what I'm talking about but among the 99% of males that I've ever talked to that have any any willingness to be honest they are they are smack dab in the middle of this thing and it's a never-ending mess in other words even if they're if they're para bond to do given female and are really attracted to or like or they still have their head turned by potential casual Medic strategy prospects and they still feel the tug there of course they should the this is the the nature of the design of the organism the organism should be on the lookout if you're a male organism you should be on the lookout for reproducing DNA cheaply if you can get away with it so the so this is human nature and to their human nature and their relationships have conflicts that are not typical throughout the animal kingdom so casual mating strategy the conflict is not between male and female particularly the conflict is between male and male on casual mating strategies a few males will do all you know basically the lion's share of the mating you know literally and figuratively a male lion who's the head of a lion pride is doing almost all of the mating the and so the so this issue of conflict winds up being much more essential intra sexual conflict among males it is not conflict among females females are perfectly peaceful with each other and are not in fact competing with each other the as you go to the other side of the continuum you're going to have pair bonds where again the conflicts are minimized essentially it is essential that that both the male and female work very very diligently together in order to raise a family and so in those situations you don't have the degree of conflicts that you see in humans because humans are in the middle our mating strategies are are rife with conflict and so 10 paid dates is just a you know I just I don't know why I said 10 could have said 7 I could have said 20 ok 10 was my eyeball estimate and it's a nice round number because you can you know you got like 10 digits so you can like put a little mark on each of your fingers each time this guy PO need up money to pitch check easy to keep track of here ok and conceptually it's easy to keep track of and it actually takes us through a story of 10 exposures intimate psychological exposures between a male and female where they get time to talk for a couple three hours and they get to find out who that other person is what they're like to get to do a lot of cross examination and and they they get to see they get to do a pretty good assessment of IQ and the Big Five ok as well as other things that are important to be individual outside of this and so as a result you get to see for example sooner or later you're going to probably find out what somebody's politics are sooner or later you're going to find out what their religion is ok and we're going to find out how important to them it is if there's conflicts between us and how important it is to you if there's conflicts between you and all of these things are swirling around in what are we talking about 30 hours of interaction or 50 now if you're a female it's wise to not expose yourself to a 5% chance of pregnancy before you a pretty decent assessment of what it is that you could be getting into now the modern woman says we'll come on aren't you behind the times we have a thing called birth control for goodness sakes fabulous okay birth control is the the most important innovation in history for human happiness other than what the Constitution in the United States okay this is incredible this is my birth control for the government sorry I distracted apologize direct beautiful MIT it's just absolutely beautiful the yeah that's just great so anyway the point is is that of course you have birth control and of course that you can essentially let your guard down and and and just roll with the punches and if you're weak in the knees you can you can have an exciting time if you're female and not be essentially irresponsible with your future you have to understand if you didn't have birth control this would be unbelievably irresponsible okay it would be insane to to mate with somebody after you've met them two or three times two or three dates just because you're attracted to them and then you're going to mate with them and then you've got a really decent shot of being pregnant in a couple of weeks if you have sex with the guy five or six times over the next couple weeks so within within thirty three days of meeting somebody you're pregnant okay that guy decides you know what not that in love with you after all see you later babe and now you're stuck you got 20 years of child-raising ahead of you as a single mother okay that's just flat-out irresponsible and so the do people do that of course they do you see them all over the place okay in poverty so this is you know but you know poverty was that was how it was in the Stone Age it's what we call a subsistence living and I always find it amusing to read cultural out apologist wax you know poetic about how much easier it is in Stone Age environments how happy everybody is that is complete BS that is not true at all the fact that the people aren't just absolutely miserable in their state is kind of remarkable it's like okay it's a tough little animal it can tough it out but no they are not happier that is not how it is that's not an honest accounting of what's actually taking place there it is no great shakes to be a female who's been impregnated by a cow so mating strategy player has no interest in hanging around and being a father okay so the so 10 pay dates is essentially a top level down defense for female psychology saying let's just listen what let's not get played by a cow so mating strategy player just because we can protect ourselves with birth control okay let's because it's going to turn out that very often you can protect yourself physically by birth control but you can't protect yourself emotionally that well because you're actually designed to be in those situations to essentially be getting drawn in emotionally and getting connected and then to get dumped unceremoniously very quickly afterwards isn't that easy okay now the terrible is it a tragedy no okay but 10 pay dates is a simply prudent defense it's the equivalent of having for example to tell a young person you know I'd be a really good idea for you to save $10,000 before you take a trip to Europe put it in the bank okay now you have a buffer zone against all kinds of little misfortunes now you've got a problem with your car and you need a new transmission it's going to cost you twenty five hundred dollars it doesn't bankrupt you okay it turns out that you need a root canal and it's going to be $700 over and above your your health insurance doesn't bankrupt you it's good to have essentially a buffer zone between you and tragedy that's why you want to have money in the bank does everybody do it no and as a result what do they do they ride on the edge of trouble and they have anxiety about it and then when will the tragedy strike they're screwing around to try to cheat things their way around things and they wind up with trouble wind up with bad teeth and bad cars okay and in your responsible work histories because you know unreliable people have unreliable cars so this is this is you know that was just a saying I heard once that I thought had some value in it but it's really not that good okay but the point is is that it makes sense to be prudent and do something that you wouldn't naturally do which is to save ten thousand dollars before you go off and blow the next 3,000 you know traipsing through France so the this is a buffer zone approach to stress management it's essentially mitigating the impact of negative things and one of the things that we would just soon do if you're if you're a woman is not wind up emotionally and physically potentially vulnerable to somebody that you don't know that well that's what ten pay dates is about and ten paid dates is also the emphasis is on paid not that you don't offer to pay and watch what happens once in a while on date three or date four but what you're wanting to do is you're wanting to essentially the baseline social process that's going on here is that he's he's investing that it's his job to try to make this thing interesting and it doesn't have to be expensive it should be somehow commensurate with obviously his income and what he's comfortable with but we are we are watching him and whether or not he is in an investment process and if he's in an investment process he doesn't have a problem with an investment process he is actually finding you more valuable as time goes on because he's observing that he barely qualifies and if he barely qualifies that's really good because when very similar people to him are at the campfire with you when he's out on a hunt they are not going to be able to get to the eggs okay this is important now of course it's true that she may roll over behind weak knees Delta let's suppose our lovebirds or a pair of eights and he's having a hard time getting to the eggs but she's interested she gives some really good feedback but she doesn't roll over for six weeks now the truth is now what has he learned he's learned now that he's got an established pair bond he's learned that when he goes away for a hunt she's not going to be shacking up with the next date that comes by and gives her a good line and takes her out on the dance floor for a spin no those eggs are under defense now of course it's possible that she gets weak in the knees behind a ten but let's look at her the truth is look at how slowly she moved look at how careful she is with her sexuality okay the truth is is that she's probably not going to roll over for the ten very easily because that's probably just not how she rolls right so this is it say so ironically if you defend defend the eggs for a while you are actually going to be seen as more valuable by a pair Bhandar you are seen as less valuable by a casual Manning strategy player who becomes increasingly frustrated since signals of anger and disgust and is sending signals of trying to cheap you out to reduce his CPSA that's what he's doing okay so the ten pay dates is not a strategy for the male for God's sake so if males are scratching their heads trying to figure out what this all means relax this wasn't meant for you you you are the problem ten pay dates is the solution okay ten bay dates is a prescription for a women that's what it's for and the reason why I'm interested in that prescription is because really what this is is it's a it's a we're trying to aim at least from my standpoint and like as I've said before on numerous occasions there could be other perspectives that a person would have when we come to optimizing one's life experience so you could you could think of a guy saying listen I don't care about what you think I'm out to rack up a big score I've got at least you know a hundred on my wall of little boxes I want to check before I check out of here maybe 250 ok fair enough ok but from my particular perspective what I consider to be the most exquisite potential of human life is going to be romance the most exquisite potent potential is going to be a phenomenon that we're going to call true love and what that is is that it's a paradoxical state where one person's happiness is causing the other person's happiness and this is as a result of the potential of human psychology as a result of mirror neurons so true love is when you need to be honest with each other and will be honest with each other about what's going on inside your head because each each person is so interested in what's going on inside the other person's head because they want to know how it is to please them and they want to know how to please them because when that other partner is pleased it causes happiness inside you ok you can imagine relationships on a continuum of deception and on the far left of a line segment we're going to say that the interests of these two people are diametrically opposed they are in fact either competitors or enemies and on the other side on the far side of the continuum this is going to be this is going to be a stellar or exquisite relationship the best that it gets this is love so you're going to realize that beneath that line segment and incidentally this is that line segment is going to be that continuum is going to be defined by the concept of whether or not your genetic interests are aligned so if your genetic interests are not aligned at all they are a totally skew they're in opposite directions actually if there are opposite directions you are enemies effectively if they are exactly parallel you you are in a in a in a perfect kind of a situation now in between you're going to see that there's going to be varying degrees of how much your interests are aligned now underneath that line segments there's going to be another line segment that runs parallel to it underneath it and on the far left and that line segment is going to be how much deception is going to be called for in this situation when you are when your interests are diametrically opposed when you are attempting to defend your city from Caesar you want to be as deceptive as possible you want Caesar to be totally fooled about what it is that you're doing so your motivation is misinformation if you have found the love of your life what you want is something completely opposite you want to be as transparent as possible so that you understand what it is that they like and what it is that they want so that you can give it to them and the reason you want that is because you want to see their happiness and the reason you want to see their happiness is it causes your happiness because it activates mirror neurons okay so this is a magnificent paradox that sits inside of human potential everybody sniffs it everybody intuitively seeks it it's going to turn out that the more disagreeable you are by nature the less easy this comes to you okay very disagreeable people have a difficult time even getting here and that is that they're they're too interested in gaming the system so you can imagine it down in the middle of this curve about both of these curves it's going to be what we call normal trade relations so now you're talking to a plumber okay you hope he's going to be reasonably honest with you if the bill sounds like it's too high then you're going to feel like you know what I don't think he's telling me the truth I'm going to get a second plumber I'm going to get a second opinion and you know what I may get a third opinion before I pony up my five grand for this problem okay now so it's going to true but for example as we as trades move towards more honesty then it's going to turn out that you can get these repetitive trades that work really well and you don't have to as much time checking about whether they're honest so you reduce the transaction cost of finding out whether or not you're being deceived okay this is going to be better trades whether it's friends or in romance okay you can see the possibility of having a situation where you don't have to check all you have to do is ask okay all you have to do is try to figure out where the other person is at this among wonderful people that get together beautifully you wind up with a very interesting thing which is that you know where you want to go to dinner hits wherever you want to go because what's most important to me is whether or not you're happy okay that's a beautiful potential that since inside of some people other people it doesn't sit inside of their just literally not capable of experiencing that this this program in my philosophy and what I'm interested in exploring in life I'm not really interested in trying to figure out how to game the system I'm not interested in possibly normal trade relationships that males and females might have within within normal mating dynamics that might take place so for example I'm not really interested I just talked to a female today woman today that told me that she had a counselor for a couple of months who is instructing her on how to snag a man for marriage okay and that that's what this woman does that's what this counselor does is instructs went in on how it is to do this incredible ok he's like wow what are you getting is this is this the end that you seek ok because if that's the end that you seek I have absolutely no interest in learning any of the nuances of how someone might do such a thing because in no way does this lead us to this beautiful loving paradox that I know is possible for human beings ok in the same way I'm not really interested in how males can play females behind causal mating strategy so that they can get access to their sexual treasury and then disappear over the hill because they don't give a damn about them couldn't care less not interested are there techniques that you could use that might be more effective sure just in exactly the same the way Kahneman is technique in order to sell the Lowe ladies swampland not interested okay so a ten pay dates is simply an understanding that what we're seeking here from my perspective if you're if I'm speaking to women now I'm seeking to help you try to not waste your precious time and energy on potential relationships that have no possibility of having this a loving paradox okay so we are going to smoke out the people for whom you don't really qualify for who already know you don't qualify as a pair bond and get rid of them that's what you're going to do we're going to eliminate the gaming system that will exist in females well if the guy comes on kind of casual and he's pretty fancy and she's a little weak in the knees then she acts like she's willing to play casual but the truth is she's not willing to play casual she really isn't okay the truth is she's trying to drag him into a para bond as per some coach okay or the coach of evolution that says boy if there's somebody that's fancier than you that's coming towards you and and looks like they have some interest go ahead and lure them in here and then try to grab their feet and stick them into a tar pit and not let them go okay that's that's a that's a the the alternative or mirror image strategy to male casual mating strategy so where the male pretends that he's para bonding but he's not all of these things all of these strategies and their permutations are steps away from the possibility of finding a truly loving paradox and so that's what I'm interested in because I'm interested in the highest potentials for human nature and and the best experiences that people can have if you actually look at human sexuality and you actually look at the peak experience that would be possible probably for human beings there would be many watching your kid to walk you know watch them graduate from high school you know all kinds of things I don't know petting my cat comes pretty close but if you think about the most exquisite sex that a person is likely to have one of them would be to be with somebody so much more attractive than yourself that you're all of your bells are going off in your head that this is just this exquisite specimen that would be one thing okay but here's another how about if you're in a situation where you fully qualify the other person fully qualifies for a pair bond and now we're in a situation where we are in a loving paradox that watch what happens sexually what happens is is that what you want to know is that the other person is really happy and what they want to know is that you're really happy how about that okay that process is the process where conflicts of interest between male and female have been minimized that's what that is under the most ideal possible circumstances for what reproductive activity this is the genes giving us a clue talking through the ages telling you this is the best set of circumstances this is actually the most efficient optimal circumstances under which DNA is reproduced okay this is why males even if they're rich are not too interested in just getting you know cocaine head hookers that are super attractive and having sex with a bunch of them do do some of these guys do this of course they do as you can see that their nervous systems would be flooded with the excitement of very very sexy mates okay buying casual mating strategy we can see why there's hooker boats all over the Caribbean where where wealthy men will do this however when we see the average man and what it is that's going on in his head he speaks of a of a nervous system that throughout evolution has actually sought the loving paradox that that's why they are willing to go to movies that's why they can hear love songs and respond to them because they actually have a mirror neurons enough that crave for this situation and in that situation they crave to be transparent in what their Medivation is have the other person read it and have both of them respond to trying to figure out how to make the other person happy that's what we're trying to do ten pay dates is a way to try to have people save their time and energy away from distractions that would keep them away from searching for a fabulous individual with whom they could share that experience fascinating all right this makes perfect sense to me and you know every every episode or so I'm always curious if I could search Google and see what terms were searched after our shows you know which ones it would be and I think this week it's going to be hooker boats all over the Caribbean so they picked ready one of us is getting targeted advertising that's person yeah I mix pretty good all right yeah all right that's that's fascinating dr. Lao because you know this makes sense to me like I've told you before is is you know but but some of these comments on Facebook on the Facebook group I'm going to read them just so we can you know all have a chuckle but again it's not a personal comment I'm I'm withholding the names from the place you made these comments there's a couple people who are you know obviously joking so one guy asked you know what is what's the rule can you refresh our memories and this guy says the rule is if they don't put out by date 10 dump them on the curb all right Farra another but actually you know it it really represents I think some of the frustration from some of the men is that is the following if you wait ten dates for someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with you might spend the rest of your life with somebody who isn't really aroused by you um what's let's look at it this way the yeah I think that I can sort of understand that inference but I don't think that really washes because the truth is is that that women can signal interest without actually having to have sex with people and the and so it isn't like they might not be interested and they might not be quite interested but there's a difference between being interested in actually taking the steps and having the agreement and having sex take place you know do I think it's a crime or a terrible mistake if some people have sex on date for no good luck to you okay let's hope that it isn't a typical situation and the typical situation is where somebody doesn't qualify is where where that's probably that's probably where that relationship is going so my whole point is why why don't we save ourselves the emotional upheaval and and and irritated female scorned by just like let's withhold a few more weeks let's just let's just play it a bit a little bit more carefully but the notion that some woman is going to stick around and be continually interested in seeing a guy that she she that she is basically not interested in it's absurd and the notion that she's going to go to the altar and marry somebody that she's not interested is an absurd and incidentally we're not going to be making some decision about some lifetime possible partner you know what eighteen weeks into this thing are you kidding me you know the a reasonable set of prescriptions for the way a relationship ottoman fold is we spend a few weeks getting to know each other before we sleep together if we start sleeping together and we really really like it good keep doing it for a year okay but don't move in for God's sakes let's not integrate our existence and get our finances all hooked up together and then wind up you know having the economies of scale a unless it turns out that both people are financially very strong and that's what they want to do and they they feel and they're essentially they're both emotionally stable and just sufficiently disagreeable that they could leave or kick the person out you know after seven months when they're not happy and that's a bunch of conditions that generally aren't going to exist so it's a good idea to basically have a rule in your head that you're not going to live together for a year that you're going to continue to spend time together enjoy each other's company etc if it's so great then it will be great later okay then you move in together after about a year and then you find out what we're still not getting married we're going to find out whether or not we're really enjoying our existence you enjoy your existence for a couple of years then you discover whether you're married you don't get married okay you get married after you find out you're married that's how to do it you don't create hmm you do not create a relationship folks you do not build a relationship you discover one big difference okay so it seems like you just like you build a relationship because you have a set of shared experiences etc you have memories to call back on you have rep frames of reference all all that is true but that's not what happened what happened is the only reason you are in those situations to begin with is because you're enjoying the process and the only reason you were enjoying the process is because it turns out that those two personalities and you know looks brains personality integration with such that those two people were really enjoying each other's company a great deal that's that's what happened and you don't build that that emerges spontaneously out of those people's interactions okay so there's no rush to anything other than and there's no reason to put any sticky wicket into any situation take your sweet time let things unfold and you discover what you have you don't make what you have fascinating dr. Lyle mmm this is great you you want to do one more question before we end for learning sure last one has to do a casual mating strategy funny enough just happens to be on the queue tonight dr. Lyle around four years ago I came out of a long-term relationship after my partner partner cheated on me I was in a bad place and felt like I couldn't be worth much as the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with as if she was quite unattractive and well-known to sleep around she had slept with most of his friends and also with his brother his brother also had a girlfriend at the time well this hit my esteemed pretty and I was feeling depressed a month or so after this a guy I had known for about 10 years expressed interest in me he was a friend of a friend hadn't really spoken to him at length you didn't know him well and had never been attracted to him but he contacted me about helping out with a homeless charity over Christmas and we got to chatting I thought he seemed like a lovely person we met up a few times chatted online and ended up sleeping together it happened a couple of times and I discovered that he was also trying to sleep with my friend behind her boyfriend's back needless to say it ended there I later to discover that he's a bit of a player and he tries this on most women that he meets now we have to be in each other's company on occasion and it's always awkward and I believe I have an open loop about the situation and would like some help was I only interested in him at that point because I was in such a bad place with very low self-esteem considering that I had known of him for so many years and never quite found him attractive I now have no romantic feelings towards him however when he's around or comes up in conversation I feel embarrassed and ashamed can I ever get rid of this feeling he is always really awkward around me we'll make eye contact or even say hello however he tries to be best friends with my current boyfriend hangs on to his every word and follows him around like a lost puppy why is he doing this I do my best to avoid him but next year we are both part of a wedding and will have to spend time in each other's company on multiple occasions and I just don't want it to be awkward and I don't want to feel disgusted with myself being reminded that I had a fling with this guy any help would be greatly appreciated oh man question is a big story that this isn't yeah this is kind of one of these deals there's so many moving parts to it that it's hard to be definitive because behind a lot of her comments are things that we'd need to question further and find out what she's thinking and why but I can I can guesstimate that what will very often happen if if you've been rejected and it sounds like like her boyfriend cheated on her and then I can't tell whether or not he rejected her or whether or not she ended the relationship I can't tell is that was that in the Dex I can't remember yeah she ended the relationship after she found out that her boyfriend cheated on her and her self-esteem took a hit because the girl that the boyfriend cheated on was chippy was was less attractive than she was so she felt less worth right okay so what happens is is that you're yourself which is a self which is a calibration device basically gets thrown thrown for a loop because from your perspective just this less attractive person has somehow been sufficiently attractive is to outrank you potentially in in your boyfriend's head and so that may be a possibility that is one inference that one could make from that and it's not the only inference one could make but it's one that what an inference that one very well might make and so it's interesting that she ended the relationship the you know you obviously I mean it's not it's not particularly about interesting but the relationship ends now now what happens at that point is that her calibration equipment is a little confused and so so now this guy's circulating around who is probably not as fancy as her previous partner but she she wants to see sort of how hard this guy is chomp at the bit if she if she just waves a little bit of bait in front of him and it looks like he bites pretty hard okay now so she it's not like she's all interested in him but she's sort of interested in how hard he takes the bait and what this is this is what I call touching the bottom of the pool when you get in a pool you know if you're not so sure about how good a swimmer you are or how cold the water is or anything else you're you essentially want to know where the bottom of the pool is so you some sometimes sometimes you have to go down the pool to touch the bottom and then you're like okay there it is I could push myself off the bottom and get myself back up and I'm safe the so this will happen when when people have taken a hit and have essentially taken some negative feedback there they're now a little bit confused about their made value and so they'll go down and touch the bottom of the pool and make sure that yes indeed I'm probably solidly above this guy because he was very interested very quickly okay the you didn't need to find out much more about me other than I'd be kind of interested and then boom he's jumping now you might say hmm a little strange doctor for a female because that all that was was casual mating but even females will use casual mating to check their own attractiveness just to see how interested in how ardent some guy is etc and so this is what I think that this person did and so then she very quickly amazingly enough finds out that this guy's just mr. casual mating strategy in total realizes this is an absurd situation that certainly she didn't need to find out for her own self-esteem that she qualified as casual mate for God's sakes and so she dumps him immediately and that's the end of it now for the rest of it I'd have to think through why he's he could be a little bit worried that she's disgusted with him and therefore she may be in trouble a little bit politically in the village from her potential wrath in some ways and so as a result he's he sideling up to her boyfriend to try to essentially show belly so that therefore then the new boyfriend if he finds out that you're irritated with them that the new boyfriend won't you know take out his club and smack him over the head so there could be some Stone Age you know essentially obsequious behavior that's taking place there that that would make a little bit of sense so he's essentially a little bit worried about her anger towards him so I could see that that that's how that's work it out as far as how you're going to manage these situations I'd have to map it out with this person because I'd have to know a few more details but you know this is all kind of uncomfortable stuff and once again a great reason for 10 paid dates
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