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Episode 149: Shy vs bold men, Getting away from a narcissist, Is there a utopia
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all right so this is our last show of the year 2018 Wow so yeah I don't know what that is but we've got a couple of questions today we've got one left over from last week about Shimon mm-hmm and we've got a question from one of our listeners who is a self-described agreeable lady agreeable traitor it has a what seems to be a disagreeable mate and trying to figure out the cost-benefit analysis of staying with this mate and not staying with this mate and then a very interesting question I want to hear your answer to about whether or not what a evolutionary psychology utopia would look like from dr. Laos perspective okay I also have a caller who just called in on hold so caller will get to you will get take a couple of questions and then we'll get to you after that so stay on hold dr. Lau you ready I'm ready okay dr. Lyle men nowadays tend not to express interest in women in a clear but appropriate way particularly the quote good guys have a tendency to hide their feelings do you think this hinders their chances and would a more bold attitude be perceived as the product of better genes well we're going to start out with the opening phrase which nowadays so I always hear about now it is things are different than how they used to be which is completely bogus things are pretty much the way they always were so it isn't that nowadays some some shy men are more careful about about signaling their interest in females they always were so now the question would be would Boulder be better the depends upon whether or not you know it depends upon the target women that are involved and whether or not they would happen to like that now most of the time that's probably true but guess what none of this makes any difference because that boldness is a product of your genetics and so if you are if you use that boldness by somehow actually it's a big reason why alcohol is what makes this sexual casual mating worlds swing is that it actually emboldened people by knocking down their anxiety the but if the guy isn't having a drink in the middle of work day and you're a female that he's interested in and he's he's on the shy careful side he's not going to get bold and even if he goes to some seminar that tells him to be bold it's a kind of people the majority of relationships began by women signaling to men that the women are interested in the men and most of most relationships are going to start as a result of repeated exposure situations where people see each other over and again and the female sees some of the inner beauty of the male and we have a we have a trade dynamic where the male is very interested because he would feel like he's over rewarded primarily an attractiveness Department and then this thing can work out is the female can signal that she might be interested in the male can pick up that signal so that that's generally how you get a shy guy out of his tortoiseshell it's pretty much how that's going to happen if you're a shy guy in your tortoiseshell like I could tell you I could say hey be bold you know be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid the point is is that's not going to happen okay because you're not that bold person and this is unlikely to be a strategy that you can turn on and turn off to any effect so otherwise learn to learn to play the game within your shy parameters this is why by the way God indented match.com okay this was the whole point this is precisely what online dating applications are all about is for men that would otherwise not have the courage cap on a woman's shoulder now can tap on women shoulder and potentially get the hearing of about a minute and a half about the length of time it takes to read his his profile we know that from the research evidence that women will read the men's profiles provided is to the photography and the Delta between the two of them is and to outrages the women will read the profile so the guy actually gets to do is pitch so he gets about a minute or a minute minute to two minutes of her time and if you can make a pitch that gets a tiny little hook in her mouth then good for him you probably won't but he might and so that's that's better than nothing which is nothing is what he's going to get everywhere else so this this game of the bold is the reason why bold is is probably useful in this arena is a lot amount a great deal of boldness come as a result of of confidence so great deal of confidence comes as a result proceed probability success and the perceived probability of success comes as a result of success successful history so people that are bold are usually people that have had a lot of success and let I'll give you like one guess as to why okay it's because they're highly tracked to people and they're highly attracted people that have a fair amount of testosterone in them and so and they probably highly attracted people with a lot of testosterone and some alcohol now you got the guy that has got some success in the bar so anybody else playing this game good luck to you well you have some success sure if you're if you're a five in the bar and you have a lot of boldness and you've got some alcohol in you you got a shot at you know somebody in your territory maybe even a little above that boldness might pay a little bit but you know what does this have to do anything anything we're talking here ultimately about essentially boldness behind casual Medic strategy probably and you know that that's a tone that's its own game the there's many many strategies one could use for calculating strategy all kinds of pseudo steam keys closed car many you know lavish spending all kinds of things can can add to that your ability to play in that arena but if we're talking about trying to find an actual good pairing than what the real strategy is to find a place where you can have some kind of possibility to expose who it is that you actually are and then just be yourself that's that's the best move there is that's fascinating because I always you've said you've said in this podcast many times that agree ability is was is kind of a big factor in relationships and yet when you're bold you're essentially demonstrating disagree ability right and so it's always interesting I've heard people say well you got like you said you got to be bold you got to do this and you got to know essentially but left a little bit of disagree ability and so yeah it seems like it's going to it's more of a casual mating strategy yes okay cattle mating strategy versus anything else no question in other words if you do that if you could do that shoot yourself up with some testosterone not knock down some alcohol if it's not part of your nature and then you may be able to disagree this display essentially more disagree ability and therefore by implication a greater track history of success with women at that attractiveness level and as a result what you're doing is just you were doing a very subtle fish trick you're essentially demonstrating that you've had success with people at that level often and you you would you would expect to be successful in the present and so you know this isn't going to have that much latitude we know that it doesn't the dream of you know the pickup artists and these sort of hacks that that are going to pretend like they've got the secret to the universe behind some really rudimentary understanding of evolutionary psychology there's no great success here at all so there's the the are there is there a little bit yeah probably is there very much no you're not going to turn a five into a successful farmer of seven and eight females this is never going to happen you may turn him into a successful farmer of six females particularly that females sufficiently inebriated alright well I've talked to a few women who have actually said that they get extremely turned on when a male displays disagree ability in these kind of situations and I can only guess that it's it's the fantasy of you know being on alpha side is there any any anything to that oh I'm sure that's true in other words bet but remember it's not all females so not all females actually bite on that and so the so we're talking about we're you know in it's also the case that if you're thinking about for example I don't know why we're thinking about a bar scene but that's sort of the ultimate you know pickup joint for casual mating and so if we're thinking about that scene remember the the women that are there and mean business we know who means business you they they're design there they will show more square inches of their skin when they're fertile so they're going to there they could be there unconsciously looking to have a higher probability of casual mating given the time of the month and that being the case it's also the case that we know that when women are in their most fertile phase they are seeking the male that is the most dominant for relative to their personal preferences in other words that is the moment when they are most septa Baluch a so mating you know opportunity and so the we know what they're seeking we can tell the scientific evidence clearly displays that they are seeking dominance they're seeking rough-edged dominance out of the male rather than cooperative and pleasant okay so so now let's just think about this so we we were there some girl you're trying to hit on it at the office the truth is is that when it comes to sea a long-term mate she's not seeking some dominant alpha male that's not that's not where her that's not in the middle of her bell curve for what it is that she would be most interested in now is it true that you know she might get a little weak in the knees a few times at the bar at just the right time of the month and somebody with a lot of arrogance and push might actually get home yeah okay but that but that would be a tear as east rata G if you are if you are looking to pair bond with that female and you're working at that office you don't need to play display those characteristics you need to be yourself and find out if it is that you are actually matches her actual preferences so her actual mating preferences are dynamic they're not static so most women most of the time are not openly interested in the most dominant aggressive disagreeable male okay the fact that they the fact that the peak of their interest in such males it some with some latitude of acceptance happens to be when they're the most fertile and therefore most susceptible to casual mating strategy that is true but let's remember that that's you know 10 percent of the time and so if you're very interested in casual mating if I made a career out of casual mating you know I would you know channel my inner Trump okay be disagreeable in bold as hell and to see how many things I could knock over but this is but that's exactly one personality characteristic and so it's going to turn out that women are generally not making the majority of their mating decisions based on those characteristics the some women well because they happen to you know that that is their unique personality that they happen to value that but a hell of a lot of women don't so the so that that's why I say you know rather than try to gain the system better to just do a really good competitive job of being who you are and call it a day fascinating I love it I I'm reminded of the time on the show where you said that that for the women who tell you oh yeah you should be a little more disagreeable you go oh well find the brute that's not me yeah that's it all right all right what else we got our next question dr. Lyle I've heard your advice before for people to quote not build their lives or they disagreeable narcissists and it got me wondering about my own life I'm 22 years old very agreeable and I'm in a relationship with a 22 year old male who's highly disagreeable we met 10 months ago and have been living together for four months and for the most part we're happy but he can be difficult at times and often acts very entitled yet also makes great efforts to go more than half way with me and make the relationship a great experience for both because he says he loves me and wants to marry me and this has me torn if I remember correctly I think you said it's rare for agreeable people to get out of relationships with disagreeable people and if this is a bad thing for me I don't want to stay when I could have been better off somewhere else as far as marriage goes it's not something that I'm interested in especially so young but in terms of a relationship with this man do I get out now and find myself a more even trader or if I choose not to are there any common problems I could face or scenarios that could be played out as a result of spending my life with a person like this as a fellow OCD I can relate to this quite this is a great question get out all right let's look at this this is a it sounds like it is a very Gribble person who is doesn't take a lot of doesn't take a lot of positives in a relationship to to kind of hit the happy circuit so this person has a great capacity for happiness and all they need is a halfway decent trader the last thing they need is a very disagreeable human this is a recipe for trouble so what I would say is get some distance okay for God's sake you're 22 you move in with somebody big mistake don't do it okay so if you're already in there with somebody and you're moved in and now we you know are facing this sort of disagreeable problematic human no matter how positive this thing is obviously there's a lot of negatives for the person wouldn't be having all these kinds of second thoughts all kinds of consternation about this the right the right decision is get some distance and this is this is an example of never make a big decision when a small decision will do and we can also look at decisions that we don't have to make them so I think one of the things that happens when people move in together this is a mistake that I made when I was about that age so I thought I was very grown up and mature and intelligent and like like I knew what I was doing oh man the up so so I in with this very very fine person and that that was our that was the first mistake big one okay so now when it turns out that a while later I'm wanting out of the relationship now it's really uncomfortable because now you've set up everything you played house you pretended to the world like you're a couple and everybody sees you that way you've actually got your lives now organized together in a unit this is a mistake you want your own space you want your own space because the time when you want to get out you don't want to have a bunch of channel factors or a bunch of obstacles for you to get out okay so what I had is I had a whole host obstacles that get put up in the way you know you're going to have to find another place so now has to be a thought out you know resistant process that that essentially stands up to all the pleading and all the determined you know push from the other side all the social censure and pressure they might come like this is a fiasco and so it's going to trap agreeable people into long-term relationships the same way it trapped me and it this is not unique so this person's in a situation where they're they're very likely to be trapped into this thing unless they make a concerted effort to get out so what I would say is you don't have to get out of the relationship but you got to get out of the apartment so if it's such a great idea to be together it'll be such a great idea when you're living in two different places oh well what about the money best money you ever spent the best money you ever spent is the money that it takes to live on your own in your own space yeah you don't want to have your finances intermingled at 22 years old can't comfortably and responsibly live on your own because we've got you know this entire two lives intermingled as far as that goes this is a disaster you want to be independent with your own space and you move in with somebody under a couple of conditions number one you really like them you're over 30 the there is that there's some just pulled your leg there you got to have a lot of good reasons you got to really know that that you've got the chops to get out both financially and psychologically that you got the chops to get out you know quickly conveniently elegantly and easily if you need to if it's in your best interest way better to have your own space the you can always move in together later no rush give that relationship a couple of years then you can do this now I know people will roll their eyeballs but I'm telling you for every one that's worked out just dandy there's 40 that didn't where somebody got trapped and it was a mess and didn't get out stayed in there for seven years before they managed to finally be so frustrated and miserable that they finally somehow summit up the guts gumption and chewed through the straps so that that's my solution to this is that this is such a great relationship it'll be a great relationship where the two of you have your own separate little apartments a mile apart what's the problem the only problem is financial and by god you have to face that problem or you go go live with your mother one way or the other you don't don't get your finances intermingled around a real estate decision where you're sharing space with somebody that early that you don't know that well that's a mistake and that's a mistake this person if this person manages to get out of this it's a mistake I hope she doesn't repeat alright fantastic I will speaking speaking of utopia's yes excuse me all right speaking of UOP OHS dr. Lyle do you believe in some sort of utopia that humanity might get to in the future the the follow-up question is do you think that our major conflicts in the world are primarily caused by the narcissism of our leaders there's a lot of problem caused by narcissistic leaders not not in democratic situations but in theirs there's plenty of problems with you know narcissistic claiming thugs that have gotten to the head of dictatorships around the world and these are dangerous people that impoverish all kinds of people and are up to you know a lot of trouble so the narcissist in a democracy gets voted out you know they're they're only there for a limited time there they've got checks and balances all over their behavior so the government essentially from one year to the next looks an awful lot the same in terms of its functions when you're looking at a democracy like the US or Great Britain or all over the ball over the place where people live in a civilized way when perhaps so there is there is an issue with the big time danger of Narcis in in the as rulers around the world that's true now there isn't going to be any utopia in the future because we're not getting rid of the disagreeable 'ti in humans so utopia is some notion that you're going to live in a place with this you know essentially super minimized conflict I don't think so not not in the next five hundred to a thousand years I would find that to be unlikely to be the case there's going to be trouble the now hmm however about being the case it isn't the leadership that is the big problem it's whether or not you manage to have a political system evolve that is that is based on human freedoms and human rights like the United States so within the United States you can look at this thing becoming more and more of the utopia with every decade that passes so as the country gets wealthier and people get more and more power over their own lives and have to spend less and less of it you know making shoelaces and turning burgers when they don't want to you get and staying in relationships that they don't want to be in behind financial issues you are freeing people to have them you know change their choices move move on from things that they don't like basically to try to find themselves in circumstances of what they're doing and who they're doing it with that they like a lot better and that is massively more possible now than it was in the night in 1945 it's not even close okay so it's going to be vastly better 100 years from now so I wouldn't call that a utopia but I call it just a better and better and better place to live now so that being aside the most important thing in all this is not to be worried about some utopia that's out there in the future where everything could all be worked out and we don't have any conflicts of interest and everything's great that's not going to happen you're going to have disagreeable sob s that are going to misinterpret what it is that you said or miss and you know willfully misinterpret or or trick you into contracts and there's going to be civil law and lawyers and etc there's going to be trouble and there's going to be trouble internationally behind knuckle-dragging Narcis and the world capitals that think that they are they're going to intimidate free people and to get more of what it is that they want so that's going to happen but what's important for you that'll be pretty well taken care of and hopefully very few Americans will lose their lives behind this the the real issue is to build your own life and to your own personal utopia is a personal utopia of the interaction that you have with others and so this is possible now what's possible now is to look at your life and think about who it is that you are and who it is that you like and look at the people that you're interacting with and ask yourself whether you really like these people and you like interacting with them and to the extent that the answer is no then you don't have a personal utopia an extent that the answer is yes than you do and these because the vast majority of everything that's important your life is the extreme signals that you receive from other people in your interactions with mates friends and trading partners it is you know it's literally within your power to largely define who it is that this is going to be now not completely so if you are a person of limited means and limited abilities and and you have to work for people that you don't particularly like because it you know that that's the situation then you're not going to have an ideal situation in that regard now you can aim to make it better and you can look to find out you know what you can do in terms of your knowledge and skill development and what the choices are on the marketplace so I wouldn't suffer a lousy work situation for very long before I was looking for something that looked like it was better deal with friendships definitely you don't have to be putting up with friends that you don't like you you can you can rescind those relationships anytime you want and once again we'd want to be looking for people that we have a lot in common with that we like and we would like to make those our friends and go through processes of an investing time and energy in ways that we enjoy as we build bonds with people that we like and we fire the people that we don't like the same thing is true in romances ok so there's nothing exalted or admirable about people being frustrated and miserable for 50 years and yet having a gold wedding anniversary you got to be kidding me ok they should be penalized for for you know doing such a thing they are penalized actually plenty enough as it is the but we shouldn't be exalting this we're cheering it okay the question is you know or intimidating anybody out of deciding that they're not going to do it the issue is how happy are you and if you're not very happy you don't have your personal utopia your personal utopia is to try to build a set of relationships and a life interacting with other people that that consistently causes you a lot of moods of happiness that's what you want you don't need the government to be right you don't need the nurses to be disempowered you don't need anything we don't need a thousand years of human development to manufacture some shining city on a hill don't need any of it you've got enough right now okay after though how how far you get to taking your life from what could be a five or six up to a seven or an eight in terms of enjoyment or from a seven or eight to a nine or a ten this all depends upon how much effort and how much good fortune you have as you look at the relationships that you have in your life and say wait a minute that one just doesn't cause me that much happiness and it causes me a lot of stress and anger and irritation and frustration well then we better figure out how it is that we're going to dial that one back close to zero you know you know put your mother in law then you know we might have to dial it back to 3% so you may have to pay some prices because some of these people may be attached to other people that are more important so we may need to but we may need to be doing some compromising but I have to tell you that that compromising for me is really minimal okay so I don't put up with it very much whatever that relationship is so important that I have to kowtow to somebody for something boy there better be something really important on the other end of that there be a damn good reason why I'm going to let some disagreeable person I don't like into my life for very much percentage of it truth is is that you've got a hundred thousand hours left maybe that's more or less what I've got left and so my personal utopia is about building a social existence around myself that those hundred thousand hours are spent doing the things that I enjoy doing with the people I really love that's it okay and I don't need any magic for that to happen I just need some self-discipline and some effort and sometimes some hassle that I have to jump through the hoops to get those things get those situations created but that is the goal is a monitoring device for looking at your own happiness and being unwilling to tolerate you know sort of chronic chronic lousy with respect to any major players in your life you want to put together a golden team that that's that's the that's the promise of any utopia is a golden team for your life really find people that you liked and you do things with them that's how to get this thing done and it comes from respecting the fact that your personality and their personalities are genetic they are fixed you're not going to change them you're not going to change them one percent and you're not personally going to change one percent so don't wear yourself out trying to quote make your relationship work that's a total waste of time hey that relationship either has excellence inside of it or it doesn't and if it does if you don't have the patience and maturity to work through the conflicts then you know call somebody like myself who does and I'll help you do it and won't be that hard but if what's at the root of the relationship or personality conflicts that are causing a lot of discomfort in those two people's lives those are never going to go away and those those people aren't going to be part of any positive side of any personal utopia so it's the steps here are figuring out who you are and what is that you want figuring out who they are and whether or not they fit and if the answer is no don't put them on your team unless you desperately need somebody in your team you need somebody to play shortstop and you maybe you got to put somebody in there okay got a drag bum off the street to be your best your wedding call it good but the bottom line is is that you want people in this game that you really like that's who you want to play with because the interactions that you have will be the determining factor of ultimately the overall quality of your life experience Wow all right excellent dr. Lila we've got two callers on hold so we're going to take our first caller who's been here from the beginning of the show caller what's your name where you calling from thank you what's that hello you can lead it lead if you can turn off your speaker and just go straight to your phone yeah very good yeah I'm Lita were you from Bend Oregon Bend Oregon all right very good my sister and I broke down in Bend Oregon and had to repeat place a a water pump and that's how we barely made it out of there all right sure about 16 years old tell me a story what's it what's what are you working on and what are we trying to get better well actually I have a question I've heard you're my friend yeah I've heard you reference ten paid dates which I'm guessing must be from dating guidelines that you that you have or espouse or have thought about and I was hoping that you could talk about that sure when dating guidelines for women that you have yeah ten paid dates is sort of the standard guideline that I use and what this is and and why it is that I recommend it is as follows the the reason is is that the the male and female have different mating incidentally I made it up I haven't seen it anywhere this is my my creation the but it it's a it's certainly goes back a long ways it's not like other people haven't talked about similar things they but 10 paid days is sort of my unique my unique perspective now why the reason is what I'm trying to stop is the following trying to stop females from getting into relationships with guys then and then getting dumped a month later and being all heartbroken this is going to be a fairly common process and it's a process that is significantly avoidable and the time and energy associated with these relationships can be fairly expensive the the reasons why this is happening why these are why human relationships in the mating arena are problematic is the human beings find themselves in the middle of a continuum behind a he-man species and a pair of on species so he-man species is where a few males do all of the mating and all the females mate with just a few males this is true throughout the vast majority of the animal kingdom basically females have in their heads a very sensitive queues for male sexual attractiveness and all the females agree as to who's the sexiest guy and then all the females mate with the sexy guy and the sexy guy doesn't do anything else doesn't provide any other resources for the female it's just he's just providing he's just a sperm donor the turns out that this is the most successful strategy in nature for the reproduction of DNA and so it's almost exclusive in the animal kingdom however a few small percentage of animals don't do it this way so by hook or by crook across a few different novel evolutionary problems you have a incidentally in those in those species there's no such thing as males the males don't have any detection cues for beauty and females every female is a 10 they're completely acceptable so all females mate and only maybe 2 or 3 or 4% of males mate so in nature almost all males go to their graves without ever having made it once that's just the standard operating procedure in nature on the other side of the continuum you have a para bond species this is where male and female equally invest vigorously in providing for offspring so this is going to be characteristic of about 3 percent of mammals quite a few birds will do this this is uh you know this is another strategy and human beings find themselves somewhere in the middle so female humans are caught between the he-man strategy and the pair-bond strategy now the the he-man strategy the females get weak in the knees mate with males that are really fancy and the males have no intention of investing anything in the female Interop spring the in a pair of on strategy the males are are so enamored with the female that they're intending to stick around quote forever and invest heavily in offspring so if you're a female it pays to know what strategy it is that you're sort of seeking so if you're seeking a he-man quality casual mating for the excitement of that no problem ten paid dates doesn't make any sense the go ahead there's no reason to not get knocked over on date one and a person enjoys that process no harm done however what's typical is that females aren't wild about that process so females are usually wanting to have a process where they're in a relationship that means something where the male cares about them specifically in other words they want para bond psychology and so because this is true human males and females have evolved different mating strategies to deal with the problems of trying to essentially maximize their rate of return on their resources around sexuality so what females will do is that they will try to pick males who are acting like that they are very interested in them and would stick around long term the males are just line by nature to bless the females by acting like they're going to stick around long term but really not so the males are also have evolved to not only do that consciously when they know quite well they're not interested in the female long-term but pretend that they're interested but worse yet the male is also been evolved to bluff himself because the best liars somebody that believes their own their own press clipping so it turns out that males will believe that they're really interested in a female but it turns out they're not and they discover that they're not just about the time that they may have taken a good shot at getting her pregnant which is maybe sometime in the first 90 days of relationship where he's had three cycles to try to impregnate her this is all this is all predicated on understanding that the psychology of humans hasn't changed fundamentally since the Stone Age so it doesn't matter when you use birth control or not that's not influencing anybody's decision-making when it comes to their preferences and their hearts what's going to happen is if the female gives the mail access repeatedly for two or three months female is likely to feel pretty attached and feel like the reason why this is happening is that because you know she values him and he values her and she's thinking that she's got long-term resource flow coming to some unborn child the male may is designed apparently to come out of the ether after a couple three months and to just discover that he didn't love her that much after all even though he settle there's wonderful flower things ten weeks ago okay so now we have a heartbroken female all upset twisted up and it's wasted three months of her life looking for a para bond and got burned again so what's the solution to the problem well the solution to the problem is ten paid dates so the notion is we make the male actually pay real live money because he's got to go earn it okay and then it takes his time and then it turns out that he can't get into her pants on date one can't get there on day two can't get there on day three and then I hear the women say oh my god if you don't go date three then you're going to get rejected not by a pair of under never not by somebody that actually feels like you're a sufficient Jean quality that they can picture the possibility that they would want to be around for a long time not a chance in hell pair bonding during never walks away after the third date when he didn't get any sex not a chance only a casual mating strategy player that knows he's a casual mating strategy player would walk away frustrated and irritated and hey what's the problem babe okay so on date for what's going to happen same thing just a little more determined casual mating strategy player will appear blonde or be upset nope how about date five nope six nope seven nope okay what's actually happening is the pair Bhandar is getting signal to the female but although she's interested it's not easy to knock her over which is actually signaling that when he's away on a hunt some time two years from now that when he's gone she's not going to be sleeping with somebody else not very likely that she actually defends the eggs pretty carefully so this tells him that she's a good investment and so this is a perfectly solid signal to send no reason not to send it now let's suppose that this goes on there's been a couple dates a week for about a month and now there's eight dates and no there's been no sex now you can make out with the guy but nope haven't gotten there under those conditions the you might say hey three weeks in there's just no way this guy is going to put up with us he will if he's a pair of under and he won't if he's suddenly discovering that you know what I'm just not that hot on her after all what we've done is we've made it possible for the man who has got self-delusional fascination with the female and essentially a bogus chip has gone off in his head that is acting out a high level of interest which he doesn't that he would not ultimately have that that system is a self delusional mechanism in order to help him Bluff the female into getting to her sexuality okay that's what we're that's what we are attempting to smoke out so we buy ten paid dates we will smoke out a huge percentage of conscious casual mating strategy players within within three or four dates those we get rid of right away and that's a lot of people okay but then we get out some more by stretching this thing out and withholding no problem we smoke out a bunch more people that are actually self delusional casual mating strategy players ten dates in you know what's been the cost of this gee I really wanted to sleep with him he is really cute and I was really into them so so starting date six when you really thought it was reasonable and you really liked them but we still shut the door on that not a problem so people go without sex sex sixth seventh eighth eighth ninth date tenth date like this is a big crisis okay the value of such strategy is that we save ourselves the process of getting into a sticky wicket we're in in an intermediate term short-term mating strategy that we were hoping was the long term strategy but wasn't and then the male walks away takes basically three months worth of eggs exits wasn't interested and now we burn three months of our lives when we're trying to look for mr. right possibly under a time clock of expiring eggs so this is this is why Ted pay dates is a useful strategy I'm not saying it's the right strategy for everybody under all circumstances but it's a general rule of thumb I keep returning this over and over again with women that have been burned frustrated and are at the end of their rope with the surprisingly deft strategies of the male those deaf strategies the male have evolved under the last two million years to bluff females out of their sexuality they're good at it so this is a this is a conscious strategy to to essentially put some barriers up to protect yourself that make sense mean to be glib but I'm just wondering if you're referring to just ten dates not necessarily because in the modern dating arena after ten dates I mean it's not a I I think you're just referring to ten dates whether or not the woman pays half at some point just ten dates with no sex yeah and I would say ten paid dates where the guy pays something okay because we want to I you know I don't really care this is just a general rule of thumb that you know if we're taking little hikes that didn't count he didn't pay anything okay this we want okie wait so you're saying you're actually putting a psychological substantive value on the fact that the man is paying yes I am well said absolutely we want him to be signaling that he is completely enamored enough with this female that he wants to signal that he would provision her indefinitely if he's not willing to open her wallet at his wallet to provision her and to impress her with the fact that he's willing to do that he's not that interested and you should have your eyes wide open if that if he's actually trying to be be cheap about that process in the early courtship process if he's if he's actually putting his hand over his wallet and trying to cheap it out that's a major signal of casual mating strategy play that's precisely how we would expect a casual mating strategy circuit to work how can I get to the sex as cheaply and easily as possible whereas with a pair of Bhandar that is not what the strategy is okay so this is a this is precisely why it's called ten paid dates and not ten dates and there is that is absolutely substantive good question very good great thank you so much for the call again we really appreciate that we've got a second callers but on a hold about 40 minutes factor like we share one more caller all right let's do it caller thank you for staying on hold what's your name and where you calling from yeah my name is Scott and I'm currently in we're Haven California very good Winter Haven California is that down that Palm Springs direction actually it's about 20 miles west of Yuma Arizona so oh I'm down by the border of California Arizona and Mexico very cool all right well you're actually got some nice nice weather down there even in the winter yeah certainly that's exactly why I'm here very good all right Scott what can we do for you what's up well my question has to do with attention memory and Ageing I'm 62 years old and you know I've noticed over a period of time that my memory hasn't been as good as it used to be ah but back in 2012 I changed away ate and I eat a whole food plant-based diet and I have noticed over a period of time that um my memory is better but I can also say that I feel like I'm attending to something that I want to remember for example if I'm meeting somebody um earlier in my life they would come and introduce himself and I'd be more interested in remembering what my name was so I could tell them you know the kind of thing but now it seems like I'm them I remember somebody's name when they mention it and I'm attending to it and I can remember their name for several days and some of that so my question is is good aging effect attention to something or does aging affect memory or is it both well I think that what's going to affect attention is going to be cost-benefit analysis so attention is so aging isn't can affect attention aging is going I mean your your life circumstances as they change will shift what you're attending to and you don't really have any choice of what you're attending to your your mind is running deep cost-benefit algorithms to try to figure out what you should be paying attention to so because when you're you know when you're young and just learning to drive you're paying attention to the clutch and how it works once you once you know how to do it well you don't attend to it and so you're so that's how that works now memory certainly is under the way the way the way a living thing is built and animals built is it's going to it's going to have a peak where it functions beautifully there's going to be a period of time when it's at its apex and then after that it's going to decline and so it's going to be the case that your kidneys at 40 aren't what they were at 30 and your kidneys at 60 aren't what they were at 40 and this is this is going to be how it's going to work now amazingly enough human mind appears to be pretty resilient to that deterioration more so than what we typically see with the rest of the organ systems so I mean there's maybe some evolutionary sense as to why that would be the case but eventually there's going to be some some decline but the decline that we've observed certainly in the Western world may not be consistent with the actual the actual evolutionary history and natural architecture of human cognitive decline because the diets are lousy people are having all kinds of many strokes as a result of their poor dietary histories they're using a lot of dietary drugs coffee and alcohol etc cigarettes things are beating up the the brain tissue specifically they don't exercise very much that's not part of their natural history or that's not part of the natural environment as a result of that we're not getting a lot of big-time circulation up into that brain particularly major pushes that result in in major vascularization and people can also be short of sleep so between short asleep bad diet minimal exercise throughout the most of the course of people's second half of their lives even after the brain was in beautiful condition when there were 30 it's starting to get into trouble by the time they're 50 so if you take a cat scan of the average American when they're 50 you're going to see thousands of little tiny dots on that cat scan and what those are is they're little tiny miniature strokes they're little little embolisms or not they're not they're not hemorrhagic strokes they're little tiny embolisms little tiny clots have been thrown from from diseased arteries that have resulted in and plugging up vessels in the brain and so you're going to start to see cognitive decline is measured in IQ testing and specifically in memory testing so you've done a big service to yourself Scott by getting your diet changed and hopefully you you know you get some good exercise down there in Arizona 12 months a year and you get to sleep at a reasonable hour if you do all those things I'm going to expect that you'll probably you know have have a fine mind for the whole wide it's likely that that would be the case the but with respect to this attentional issue I think that that that's in fact nothing to do with memory processes per se it has to do with the cost benefits shifting of what's taking place in your life and what you're attending to behind that behind that evaluation process
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