Home 🏠 🔎 Search


Bad Transcripts
for the
Beat Your Genes Podcast & More

Episode 147: Effects of long term marijuana, Spousal abuse, can severe OCD be beaten
an auto-generated transcript


To get a shareable link to a certain place in the audio,
hover your mouse over the relevent text,
right click, and "copy link address"
(mobile: long press & copy link address)
 


all right good evening everybody it's Nate Jean here along with dr. Doug Lyall dr. Lau how you doing this evening good better now that we're we're on goal uh sorry ever good where people don't even know what you do Nathan you're just back there good work if I if I I didn't need this computer probably would be broken by now no stress at all no no all right all right well we've got a couple of questions today that we didn't get through last week so we're going to try to power through those and then if we damage those then we're going to get some more new ones that we've always received recently so we're just going to take it away and then go from there dr. Kyle can you briefly discuss the long-term psychological effects of frequent marijuana use I know many people who are daily smokers and I would like to know what arguments I could use to persuade them to stop smoking that's priceless all right let's see you now let's see I'd like to hear this too briefly discuss okay don't bother beat your jeans really I don't see how this is anybody's concern the this is a personality issue this is not a knowledge issue so people that are smoking marijuana daily this is this is where they're at in their lives and who it is that they are so this is a high openness low conscientious typical behavior no obviously there's going to be many exceptions to this but that's essentially what you're looking at the that's sort of the epicenter of who's who's using marijuana on a daily basis is that's what it's going to be so because you're not going to have typically high conscientiousness you're not going to have people that are going to be interest listening to detailed arguments about what's going to happen to them twenty or thirty or forty years from now in terms of their cognitive function or various and sundry other things that may happen of them physically they don't care okay that's what high openness is all about is that we're willing to run risks that a normal person in the middle of the bell curve wouldn't run so in the low conscientiousness in general isn't going to help now the so my attitude is that this is kind of like oh I don't know you got some friend some nuts um that works on the construction site with you and he always stops you know and has like three four beers a night on his way home and he's not an alcoholic he's not he's not out of control he just has three or four beers on the way home that's what he does and or actually let's make him slightly higher in conscientiousness he has three or four viewers after he gets home okay and he's 200 pounds and he's six - he's a big strong guy and he swings a hammer all day I don't think that we're going to get very far telling this guy hey knock off the beer you know it's killing brain cells with every dose you know it you know it statistically increasing your likelihood of cancer X Y Z by you know twenty eight percent and etc etc it's like he couldn't care less so he's running a cost-benefit analysis on his own intuition as to what the price is and he doesn't see people flopping around like fish at 42 and with everybody pronouncing that they're dead from alcohol use and the same thing is true with marijuana so it's kind of interesting to me when when we the the high conscientiousness side of the bell curve as well as the media who are nothing other than a bunch of fear-mongering you know manipulative creatures which of course they would be the the what they're what we're going to hear is 38 percent more likely to 72 percent more likely that well if something's a chance of one in a thousand then if it's 33 percent more likely than above baseline and hardly counts like what do we care if we go from one one in 700 what difference does it make so I mean it makes some difference but only if you're a highly conscientious individual that is you know sweating fine details like this so you know what are the what are the long-term consequences of long-term marijuana use well it's going to be probably very similar to long term intermediate level alcohol use your killing off some brain cells your your you've got your undoubtedly increasing likelihood of various cancers probably most likely in the lungs the you're probably got some other toxicities that are going to impact you there's there's actually some chances that some really unpleasant things will happen to you so there's some evidence that a few people a few genotypes are susceptible to long term paranoia as a result of this so you know not good just as you'd expect any psychoactive substance should not be a good idea to be using on a consistent basis over any long period of time but as I said the people are not flopping on the ground at 42 as a result of 10 or 15 or 20 years of marijuana use and everybody knows it and we don't have raging you know increases of statistical likelihood of cancer wiping people out consistently in their 50s as a result of long term marijuana use so once again what people do is they survey their social environment and they they look at what looks to be the long-term cost of certain what you'd call vices or risky behaviors costly behaviors and they run the numbers and so this is this is also you know my vegan friends screaming up and down you know turning themselves into a pretzel trying to tell everybody that oh my god what a disaster it is for your fourteen-year-old deep cheese it's like really guess what the whole damn country's eating cheese and it's living about 80 years so it's a little hard to try to get people to be freaked out about this and the more hysterical you are the more absurd it gets yeah now do you know that obviously it's going to you know have a slight but real correlation coefficient with health in general and therefore it's it's worth a hi conscientious person that is not that open and to be paying attention and certainly if a person is 55 and they're looking at four stents it's time for them to wise up read a book and get intelligent about things and cut cut the cheese out of there as long along with everything else that shouldn't be there but in general most people are not in a position where they are they are intimidated by the very mild correlation coefficients that they see between whatever habits that they have that are you know pleasure trapping habits and any statistical risks that they run long-term so they don't care okay that's an entirely different issue than some kid that comes to you and says I'm in trouble I've been trying to give this stuff up and I can't give it up okay now you know clean the desk off get out of pad of paper and we're going to start talking about a plan about how we're going to get out of a trap that's a whole different issue but trying to convince somebody else that is not interested in listening to this that that there's dire long-term consequences believe me they can run the numbers they can scan their social environment they can they can come up with a pretty good guesstimate about what the costs are of this behavior and if they're not intimidated by those costs we're not going to talk it into them every fourteen-year-old has heard that drugs have risks and have impact on them so I'm sure that who this person is talking about isn't talking about some fourteen-year-old probably talking about some twenty five year old without twenty five year old has their own opinions about what the risk reward benefit is for them and what's driving that risk reward benefit is the the pleasure trap nature of the drug their their openness and their conscientiousness all of these in God knows other you know factors associated locally with their situation who else are smoking with whether those people are cool all kinds of stuff but the point is is that I wouldn't bother trying to talk anybody out of anything and that would certainly include this now the world would you do in the case where someone says hey I'm in trouble now now let's work this out of the out of this trap oh well I mean that's a every single trap is different and every single person's different and all the factors that are contributing to that trap working are different so so that that's where you know that's a clinical psychological puzzle for every individual and so so yeah I can't tell you exactly what I would do because what I do with the individuals are different in every single case depending upon who that individual is and what their circumstances are so I have individuals that that I have talked to every day for a year because that's how it is that that we check in and that we maintain some some subtle social pressure on them so those talks don't have to be long they're short but they are they're a factor of constantly it's kind of like if a person's teetering they need you know they need a hand there to grab a whole two and steady them okay so that that's one way that I've done things other ways I've done things is have people call me the minute that they feel like they're in trouble okay and and I encourage them hard to lead to do so so that we are talking within you know likely within an hour of what it is that they that they text me or let me know that they're that they're shaky so these are you know there's different and then different plans for different people others were thinking through where are the situations that you get in trouble what gives rise to this and we're anticipating them and attempting to plot around them and so this is this is a you know part parcel of a lot of things that we do in order to to deal with these issues yeah high degree of of client specific treatment planning treatment plans for you know did this kind of trouble mm-hmm faster oh yeah I always love hearing these uh these uh on-air callers because it feels like I'm a fly-on-the-wall on sex it's just going to galaxy so okay so our next question dr. Miele this question about spousal abuse dr. Lau is it spousal abuse more a function of individual disagreed ability and emotional instability and less connected to societal gender norms and values as an anecdote my wife has hit me a few times and she is one disagreeable lady I shrugged it off because she's like a girl but thanks to your podcast we are working on things oh man I shouldn't get caught chuckling none of a shit I suppose the but obviously the the horrific side of spousal abuse is male to female males are in general except in the case of my sister and I the males are usually quite a bit bigger I grew up in a very intimidating situation and so I learned to respect that the females muscles my sister didn't hit like a girl [Laughter] so anyway the the questionnaire is correct this is far more about personality that it is about cultural issues cultural issues are undoubtedly not entirely independent here but they largely are because even what you seeing in cultures is largely the result of the personality of the peoples that are in that culture and the personality of the peoples that are in that culture ie what gives rise to that quote culture is more more behavior genetics than it is anything else so the ultimately what's driving all behavior decisions all decisions completely of all kinds or cost-benefit analysis so usually what you're seeing is yours this is usually about men intimidating women into not leaving them and and so this is very much a personality issue the person is exactly right we're looking at disagreeable and emotionally unstable people but that's not all we're looking at we're looking at low IQ we're looking at economic hardship we're looking at fatigue you know alcohol drug use the fact that they may be over rewarded in a relationship we add that up as well as the cost-benefit analysis with respect to the problem in that specific cultural context so if it turns out that there aren't sanctions and there's no Leviathan government standing over the whole situation and protecting people that are weaker from the stronger the then we're going to have a you know we're going to have more problems so I have no doubt that as our as our government has become in government's not just the United States but around the world in certain locations as the government's have become increasingly sensitive to this problem and have had increasing probability of sanctioning individuals who did us I have no doubt that's contributed to a reduction in this over the last 50 years the however where it still sits is it sits in disagreeable and emotionally unstable people and it's particularly then facilitated by intelligence by economics by by the perceived or subjective differences between the male and female about their relative made value particularly in in the case of the male's the male's subjective analysis of the likelihood of two female defecting as well as you know other other contextual issues so yeah there's a whole bunch of little factors that go into this but the main factors without a doubt are disagreeable and emotionally unstable male that's going to be central to what it is that drives this this is all about incidentally intimidating the female into altering her cost-benefit analysis about whether or not she's going to leave there's a latent hell of a threat here the late inhale of a threat is that you know as that as the female may make a half-hearted or suggestive movements that if you don't play more fairly within the relationship I may leave you when that results in the female getting assaulted then you can better believe that this influences the females a statistical likelihood of displaying these in the future or or following through because the latent threat is there so this is precisely in incidentally this is a very much you know evolutionary psychologically driven instinct the male is simply certain males under certain conditions are going to use this as an intimidating mechanism to to keep control of a valuable resources which is the female sexuality so these you know it's a hell of a thing to call an instinct but the what we may more properly call it is a as a behavior that's resulting as to a constellation of instincts that are part and parcel of an overall cost-benefit analysis on a behavioral decision and so but that's that's what's going on there the same thing as true of child abuse so child abuse also is going to be a parent running a cost-benefit analysis on on attempt attempting to influence the behavior of a child and once again you're going to see disagreeable unstable low IQ economic hardship fatigue you know drugs etc that we won't see over reward there as a feature we're going to see these other things though all being part of statistically increasing the likelihood of that behavior as well cos man and when people engage in violence as a result of an argument what is that is that more more a function of trying to gain status physically saying well you might be out for martini but I've got I've got more muscles oh you mean like in a male-female situation yeah male female male male female female but I'm not talking about a spousal abuse situation where someone's threatening to leave or we're altering the cost/benefit I'm talking they have an argument and someone hits the other person in essence to try to gain gain ground on that argument yeah well let's think about this the arguments are generally there their conflicts of interest and the conflicts of interest I mean there's usually there's something substantive about some decision and concessions that are going to be involved there no maybe not but I mean there generally are and even if we're arguing over you know who won the MVP of the World Series in 54 in a bar the the argument is is going to be about who is going to concede status so but but mostly in any argument that gets violent it's going to be more substantive than that there's going to be there's going to be a more a more potentially valuable resource that that is in dispute okay and so then the violence is a is essentially it's the the follow through on anger which is a threat that says you better bake back off you're you know I'm being treated and fairly in this transaction you better back off or I'm going to impose costs on you for continuing to behave in the way you're doing so it may be for example to shut down a continued insult so some some smartypants who's making the big lug look like a fool in front of the girls is asking for trouble the the big lug will show his anger he will threaten he's not going to just Colt you know he's not going to cheap shot him he's going to threaten them hey watch your mouth okay so this is a I can remember I think what it was casino you know what are you talking to me more than one time they use that line okay if you're giving me any crap I'm warning you there's going to be a problem okay and so then the violence is a is a follow through on the threat very often what's going happen is is that the hormonal mechanisms will kick in and it will essentially guide the organism to making good on a threat if the cost/benefit looks like it's the right thing to do this is where it gets to be trouble with males because there's a lot of potential genetic chips on the line and survival chips on the line if you have if you've gotten into the situation where the argument is heated and there are significant threats going back and forth then if you if the other person is essentially get to the upper hand and intimidate it looks like they're going to intimidate you down out of your threat then in order to maintain your credibility you may need to feel like you have to follow through on this because the cost benefit reaches beyond the current conflict and goes into a more systems wide credibility issue with respect to your ability to threaten people in the future as well as therefore your ability to do what we call hold resources resource holding capacity and so the if the female see that you don't have resource holding capacity that the the village males will call your bluff then this is going to be costly for you and you know an unpredictable but significant amount of ways and so the price is too high so therefore you the organism the computer computational mechanisms of the organism activate you know things like dihydrotestosterone and activate violent behavior just think of it as a machine that's a gambling device and don't think of it as a human and so it could that same gambling device could be in a pair of half halfway domesticated cats out in the middle of the street it could be between a couple of water buffalo and it can be between a couple of guys in a bar okay it's also true that that no joke that the alcohol will be in a bar will D deactivate a lot of inhibitory mechanisms making it far more likely than would have happened in evolution for the stage or for a given altercation to escalate so anyway so you could see that most of the time there would be a quite a bit of inhibition on these things quite a bit of threat counter threat and then face-saving concessions okay but but you could see also in certain circumstances where where you would run the computation where it's actually in my best interest all things considered to follow through on this threat okay and that's where you get the violence exploding that's where that's what causes it fascinating fascinating yeah alright we're going to turn the ship around a little bit and talk about OCD alright hyper conscientiousness dr. Lisle my partner has severe OCD she cannot stop checking doors to the extent that she actually breaks them can this situation be explained by evolution and can't be beat yes it can be explained by evolution the essentially checking is a something that you're going to see throughout the animal kingdom of course and that's because you better check because that's a common solution for risk reduction so there's going to be certain conditions where you're going to want to you're going to want to recheck what is that you thought you saw or thought you understood to make sure ie looked both ways before you cross the street now the so the the tendency to do anything is going to be heavily influenced by genetic variation so whether or not it's and what if you like the box or you like to be you know paint or I've got a kid who likes to make you know artistic things the monster book of monsters of all things okay so got a young lady with a creative streak that just likes to do that sort of thing so these are individual differences in people and and so there's going to be an individual difference in in people checking things and they're going to have the reason why they're going to check is they're going to have anxiety and that anxiety is going to be reduced when they check ok it's going to sort of calm that loop it's going to be like okay we thought we knew but then we wanted sure we infer a significant risk let's go back and check one more time aha I checked one more time and it confirmed what I thought the first time closes the loop and now what happens is other things in the person's mind that have priority over that risk that has now gone from there was a ten percent chance that I hadn't checked something important now that I've checked it twice as I turned my attention away the odds that I made the mistake twice and didn't quite get it straight is now one in a thousand okay so now I multiply one thousand by the worst-case scenario and I get get what it is even if I leave the stove on what are the odds that the house burns down okay not very high but they're higher than it was if I don't turn the stove off you know what are the odds that somebody's going to come through that door and murder us all because I didn't lock the door tonight not very likely okay extremely unlikely but what are the odds are how much greater are they if I you know how much mitigation if I if I lock it well reduces it significantly we've all got a few enemies and some of those enemies have a few loose screws so the somewhere somehow you wouldn't want to leave your door open unnecessarily so the wise person checks ok takes a look at that door make sure before they go to bed at night now the OCD person it might check five times maybe ten maybe a hundred okay so this is all going to depend on on individual differences in the neural circuits of those individuals now so it's its genetic the and I would say with with CBT I mean we're not going to I have not personally discovered and evolutionarily informed method for attempting to address OCD so I haven't nothing leaps out at me most of the most of the utility of of evolution evolutionary information on most problems comes from not reaching in and fixing some of these personality quirks it usually comes from essentially understanding some some common traps and distortions that inference making mechanisms will give rise to for example the mismatch of the modern world and Stone Age hosts the problems they're useful understanding of things like man-woman dynamics useful understanding of particular parental anxieties about child rearing particularly understanding of of how to address esteem processes that are getting difficult or problematic and how to understand that the other person as a frantically greedy esteem machine that they are how does that we can essentially get a lot of peace in a system by by using some techniques to to mitigate some of those conflicts now however with OCD this is a funny little personality quirk this is almost like talking some girl the likes to dance out of dancing okay to try to talk somebody that likes to check out of checking now can it be done to to some extent it can be not not that well but it but it can be helped and the the tactic is going to be the standard tactic so far identified in cognitive behavioral therapy it's it's it's actually more behavior therapy than it is quote cognitive behavioral therapy it's more an issue of the person experientially essentially being being strongly encouraged to to face their worst case scenario of not doing whatever is that they're doing compulsively and and by doing so having the experience of going through an enormous amount of anxiety that will give rise to this and getting to the other side the anxiety and seeing that they're wrong now what will happen if they'll do this repeatedly they can what's happening is we've got essentially a classically conditioned anxiety reduction technique by checking and so that the problem is is that the extinction bursts in in classical conditioning and the extinction of any conditioned phenomenon whether it's Pavlov's Bell for the dogs or whether it's cigarette smoking or you know doesn't matter what it is if it's hand-washing or stove checking or door checking for OCD when you initially get away from something and stop doing it there's going to be a tremendous extinction burst that's going to attempt to defend that that behavior and so you have to get past the extinction burst down into where we start to get into extinction you won't get to extinction with OCD but you can get a quieter and and the problem is is that the person will inevitably have spontaneous recoveries they'll have things that also give rise or cue that anxiety and then they will very often recover that circuit and so you're likely to have essentially a lifelong battle with this but but that doesn't mean that there aren't times if you go go to significant trouble and grit your teeth over several days in a row that you can't get some of these things into essentially a partial extinction that's the only way that I know now some shrink will tell you to take Prozac and I will tell you I think that's a terrible idea and and I don't I don't trust that at all I don't trust anybody's data that says that it's useful and even if it is it that's like cutting off your finger so that you don't have to worry about the hangnail gapping is a terrible idea if you go psycho dynamically oriented therapist they're going to tell you the reason why I've got OCD it's because you had overly severe toilet-training okay so forget about that their their success is going to be exactly zero although they will work diligently on it for 15 years for three times a week and maybe some time at the and something good will happen who knows the but yeah the solution to severe OCD is to not just talk to your garden-variety cognitive behavioral therapist or someone that says that that's their orientation the thing to do is to go to an OCD specialist in your city hopefully you live in a town that's big enough that's likely to have one the if you go to if you go to such an individual after they stop counting all the little pencils on their desk because they're very likely to be OCD themselves after they do that they will hopefully direct you with a firm hand towards facing your very worst fear and hopefully getting through the extinction burst that will allow you to get some relief fascinating all right all right dr. Ron we got time for one more I think did all right okay dr. Lyle I'm having an issue with a friend of mine this friends is very disagreeable and on a few occasions has outed me to large groups of people and put me in a position I don't want to be in for example at a party when someone asked me if I'd like them to pass the cheese dip I was simple no thanks but my friend yelled out Victoria she's vegan recently at a bar when questioned why I ordered a soda water and not a drink I was fully prepared with doing your getting along without going along answer when my friend again announced oh but Victoria doesn't drink alcohol I don't really like to announce these things for two reasons I don't like the confrontation and I don't want to deal with the scheme hit that they might take and to the resulting conversation that ensues when someone finds out about my differences has become an absolute bore the thing is when my friend does this I know it's not malicious as he agrees with my lifestyle even has adopted some of the things I do I want to talk to him about it but I would imagine his response would be well why do you care what other people think because he doesn't care what other people think how can I approach him about this in a way and he might understand oh he does care what other people think okay everybody cares what other people thinks unless you're some autistic you know individual that has lost touch with all social reality so and and he clearly cares whether people think because you're anticipating that he cares what you think if you're going to confront them on this so let's let's not mistake the fact that what's going on here is you may not consider it malicious but this is this is a motivated behavior for some reason in order to you in order to enhance his own status okay so if you were going to do something that a little unusual he might be like to signal that he knows inside information on you okay and he's willing to spill it so that's that is indicating a closeness to you possibly this person is attractive in some fashion and he's wanting to indicate that he is tight to the situation also he may feel that your differences are not ones that he shares in terms of behavioral even though he not may not quote disagree with it he's maybe looking to give you a bit of a status hit okay and he may not know why he's doing this there's uh there's more there's there's a whole hornet's nest of possible reasons however from my standpoint I'm also interested that this individual has some trepidation about confronting him about this okay so she's already sniffing but he's going to be disagreeable quite interesting so what I what is that I would say is that you could be ready for this by saying that actually the issue isn't what I care about what other people think it's about how I feel okay so actually kind of what it is that I need you to do is to not do it period okay and if he says well why not say well why should you okay you've got a choice what's the point what what's in it for you and what's in it for me okay I'm telling you there's a cost to me what's in it for you okay this is like a this is like a 22 second conversation it's checkmate okay there's absolutely no reason for this person to do this now you like I said there are reasons what's driving us but we're going to go cut right to the quick what why why would you do it what's the benefit I'm telling you to me there's a cost so what's the benefit to you that outweighs my cost okay so we start friendly we say less and I've noticed that you do this and it makes me uncomfortable and you know I just want to let you know I know you're you don't mean anything by it but I'd like you to not do that anymore okay and I'd really appreciate it done nice and simple not asking a question we're giving him a free pass and then we're telling them that it's all all cool but we want it over now if he says well no we would you carry so you know it's really it's really quite quite frankly I don't need a reason okay I just don't like it so I'm asking you to do this okay is there a problem well why don't you were like well you know here's the deal it's a cost to me I don't like it so why would we do it if there's a cost to me I'm telling you there's a cost why would you impose that on me okay right now he needs to be prosecuted that's how that goes okay so we start out friendly or cordial we let him off the hook and if we get any pushback he gets checkmated and I can checkmate that behavior in 18 seconds no problem nowhere for him to hide what's in it for you I'm telling you to not do it because it makes me uncomfortable that should be a good enough reason for you not to do it now why on earth we you do it if I'm telling you that it's uncomfortable for me why would you do it you know just being friendly well that's okay that's not good enough okay so that that we start friendly we were pleasant enough we let him save face he doesn't mean anything by it we understand that but it makes us uncomfortable so we're asking not to do it okay done we get pushed back we're not taking push back so if this if this you know this it's completely unreasonable behavior on the part of this individual doing this so this is absolutely imposing costs on our questioner for their own gain okay and you know that same very disagreeable narcissism that is essentially imposing that cost is the same narcissism that this questioner is predicting that she's going to run into when she confronts it okay so Victoria you know take heed this individual you know if you're going to hang with them and they're your quote friend we're going to see what how good a friend they are when we when we indicate to them that this behavior isn't wanted it's not appropriate and that if they continue to do it know there's going to be a threat and that threat is you know I don't need friends like this that's how that goes all right good then it bit on my spleen on that I like so in general with friends you is there a strategy for for when there's some conflict the escalation of things I mean we kind of got it from there whereas friendly first then the next step yes you know you just need to keep amping things up and what point does it become alright that's it you're not friends anymore it depends upon you know this is obviously this isn't someone super intimate or this you know I can't believe that we hadn't had knocked down drag doubts about this till now the the so obviously arguments in general conflicts of interest in general there's you know strategies that we have for when things are when things can get heated when there's some you know serious disagreement and people are facilitated we we have to we know that human beings aren't perfect we're not a bunch of you know Buddhists sitting there you know beating a little drum and humming and acting like we don't have any feelings we do okay and we're going to sometimes get a little out of line as we start to push our agendas we're going to feel edgy and we're going to want to threaten that's that's that's natural we're going to feel unfairly treated have our anger activated and then we're going to threaten okay now the thing is is that what we what we want to keep in mind is that that very often we don't understand exactly what the other person is saying and why they're saying it and so sometimes our estimations of what's causing this conflict are a little bit off and they don't have to be off by too much to make big difference so we may have forgotten some benefit that we've gotten bestowed upon us from somebody you know 13 days ago and we forgot that we promised a little something and now they're pissy with us now about something and we're feeling like wait a second how come you're out of line and the answer is they're not out of line they are their frustration is is boiling up a little bit because they've got an uncollected debt and they're a little too shy and a little too nervous and maybe in a position of weakness in order to to tap us on the shoulder and remind us of it for example I'm just coming up with a scenario where this kind of thing can happen and so as a result the pissing as we see or the unreasonableness we see out of somebody may not be for exactly the reasons that we think it is and so we're surveying a conflict and we're saying hey they're out of line okay and and so as a result we attack back by saying hey you're being unfair you're irritating me and now we get a problem so god forbid you know what I promised people things you know four months ago four about it and then it doesn't make it's no surprise that they kind of quietly might be frustrated with me and it's like Oh God you know I can think about things like that with with kids that I was you know what quasi father to and and just forgot about things that I said and so you know the cats will let you know now so the so anyway that's why we use that's why we have in our mind we're in conflict we got to go to Crystal clue so crystal clear is where we essentially use a squatting style method you know call me down and say listen I want to understand what your point of view is here I'm not understanding so let's let's go step by step and this disk goes under a more broad philosophy of problem solving in general that I call don't skip steps the and so if we're going to if we're looking at an argument here's the deal folks that that if there is a conflict in how it is that we view a critical negotiated negotiation then it will remain there after we have shed all possible light on it and gotten crystal clear okay so if there's plenty of time to talk about and yell about or posture about how they should see things differently once we fully understand why they see things the way they see them that's why we go to crystal clear okay in crystal clear it's very likely that we're going to uncover some nuances about why it is that they're running their judgments about things that are a little different than we thought and so that's going to like I said even a little shift can make a big difference in how it is that everybody feels okay so that's that's why we do that that's what but in this case I mean I am doing that so we're saying hey you know I understand this did you've done this no problem I understand you don't mean anything by it given the pass okay makes me uncomfortable so I'd like you to ask you you know just pull it on that not do that it's not okay just like that okay so the if the person defends that behavior at that point boy you know if it was an intimate partner of significance I would go to crystal clear so let me get this straight you explain to me why this is that this is such a good thing for you that you really enjoy it okay you know I want to hear what's the benefit well sometimes I just think of it uh-huh but this is not a random thing that you're saying you don't just call out you know who you think won the the MVP of the World Series in 54 why are you calling out what it is that my personal businesses okay so in other words if we need to we can go to crystal clear when you go to crystal clear you can be pissed okay but your job is still to be fair and to be questioning to understand okay ie I'm pissed at you and you can tell that I am and my irritation hasn't entirely left my voice but I'm also being calm and reasonable because I'm giving you some degree of the benefit of the doubt that as I dig through here there's going to be an explanation that makes sense to me okay that's what it is and it's like I'm going to keep digging keep digging until I can feed back to you exactly why it is that you're reporting why it is that you're doing what you're doing and when I do that it's either going to hit all the notes inside your subconscious so they're going to say yes that's exactly why I do it or it's going to not quite hit all the notes and it's going to help facilitate for you the retrieval of additional factors as to why it is that you're doing it okay so then you can report those factors and then we can get further crystal clear and once I get it all out on the table then I can see the situation from your perspective and then I'm going to have possibly a different view about the entire conflict of interest okay and if I don't and we've reached essentially a significant disagreement on an issue then I'm going to say hey right here I disagree I really don't think that it's appropriate that you have the right to just say things about my my personal behavior that aren't well known and I don't want advertise and if you think that you have such a right then you know what I don't need to be around you okay ie I'm still ready to level the threat after I fully understand what you know if the person doesn't back off and essentially defense that position under the cross-examination of crystal clear and and does not understand my position that I that I'm laying out woman at that point I still have every reason now to be pissed off and to confront the issue and threatened them with consequences so ie if you don't back up and do this then you know I will have to sue you I don't want to okay I don't want to do it but if I have to I will okay and that's that's the notion of how I would deal with conflicts in general
Back to the top
🏃     👖




Artist