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Episode 12: Making Yourself More Date-able
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today on this topic of love sex and dating we are going to go over the top of dr. Lisle and then we're going to have the rest of the show dedicated to some extra questions that people asked regarding this topic now the topic is the magic 10% and what this magic 10% is is how to make yourself more attractive given what you've got because we're all born with a certain genetic variability and if someone let's say is born in the 50th percentile attractiveness my idea is that they can really never become you know 99 percentile of attractiveness and so dr. Lau we're going to kind of go over this and see what what we can do given what we've got cool absolutely alright so just a little art anywhere II got a question go ahead yeah look look so what are we looking for what is this magic 10% why are they the magic 10% all right I call it the magic 10% for the following reason the I want you to realize that the genes that built you were designed by nature to have preferences so that they would make the right moves when it came to survival and reproduction so that's why they like the taste of things that are that you can ingest and use for calories called food doesn't like things that taste like manure or taste like poison you like the look of a landscape that's got green and flowers and and water in it as opposed to a landscape that looks like a desert you like temperature that's you know seventy to eighty degrees rather than temperature that's 110 or thirty and so in other words you've got preferences and the preferences are always aiming towards survival advantages or reproductive advantages and so that's why if you're if you've got a kid you're excited if your kid does well in school or does well in some sport or some such thing or win some contests because it means that your genes are actually distinguishing themselves from their sexual competitors in their age cohort and your child is going to wind up with survival or reproductive advantages or that's what that that success is is looking like so when it comes to the magic 10% turns out that that if you look at the world's efforts in terms of people they're always trying to get a little bit better deal so that's because they're trying to essentially trade for in an optimal fashion so if you've got twenty thousand dollars and you're looking to buy a car you're going to try to not get a twenty thousand dollar car you're going to try to get a twenty-one thousand dollar car for cheap okay so everybody's angling to get a little bit better deal and and this is going to be that's why pretty much a tremendous amount of Commerce takes place and what we're going to call sales so the right way to run an internet business does always have something on sale because that people then think they're getting a better value for cheap for some strange reason so this is exactly what's happening in dating and romance that people are shopping to trade their time and energy and genes essentially their genetic potential and they're trying to get a deal and and this is how it's basically going to work so I want you to think that the the standard mating process for humans is in the Roman tin what we're going to call the romance and love arena as opposed to casual mating which is two different things so in the romance and love arenas what we're going to be talking about first we will talk about the other issues later but this is the fundamental issue so the in the stock trade that goes on in our species is that the male is harder to get to commit than the female is and the male is going to essentially be giving up the possibility of impregnating five different people this month for the opportunity of impregnating one person this year so the what he's going to do this quote commitment or love circuitry that exists in our species comes with the male's feeling that he is going to also going to go out there and hustle and provide and protect that female in the offspring and so the male is bringing two different assets to the table they are bringing both their genes and they are bringing protection provision assets the female is basically bringing her genes she is not bringing protection and provision assets she doesn't protect and provide the male so therefore the female is essentially a two-factor mating a quick mechanism and the male is closer to a 1 factor so the the male is trying to get the fanciest genes that he can get the female is trying to get the fanciest gene she can get given that she's also trying to get resources so it's going to turn out that the stock love trade in human nature is going to be for the male to essentially try to sleep up in this arrangement and he's going to try to get sexier genes than the ones that he's giving away so let's suppose for example that our male was a 7 but he's hustled around and he has a bunch of assets and he runs into a girl who's an 8 and he essentially fat talks as fast as he can as convincingly as possible and demonstrates to her that he's going to give her his undying love and resources etc etc forever if he can just get to those eggs now she made by this arrangement and this is going to be what we call the true love trade now let's look at the true love trades and let's try to figure out why it happened with this guy as opposed to not with some other guy so I wanted us to start our story with we're going to start with something that is slightly different than this we're going to we're going to take we're going to take 3 we're going to take 5 males who are looking over at a female and the 5 males are in this case well let's make a make that their that they are all 7 and then we're going to make them all 8 just for the sake of simplicity so we've got five males that are eight and we've got a female over there that is also an eight now those five males look over at that female and three of them think that she's an eight but one of them thinks she's a 9 and the other one thinks that she's a 7 this is because there is not a perfect agreement between the five males as to the mate value of the female so it's going to turn out that that's a bap as much dispersion is you're typically going to find in humans their words humans have very high agreement about how sexy they think the opposite sex is so they rate them very closely but they don't rate them perfectly so none of the males thinks that this that the female is a ten and none of them thinks that she's a six they all recognize that she's about an eight but one of them rates are a little high and the other one rates are a little low and then most of them radar right on target and the agreement with the other with the other ones now the female looking back at these five males who have all been set up with her on blind dates from five good friends and the five good friends think well that's an even trade so they all think it's reasonable and they think that these people ought to get together so these five males our girl thinks that three of them are eight one of them she thinks is a nine and one of them she thinks is a seven now that's because she has the same kind of dispersion in her opinions if you took a thousand females and looked at these five guys you would find that that 60% of the time the females would think that any given guy was an eight and twenty percent of the time they think he was a seven and twenty percent of the time they think he was a nine and so we have the reverse dispersion of assessment working through her mind so it's going to turn out that most of the time if we actually went through these pairwise comparisons and looked at what would happen we would find that most of the time both of them would think the other one was innate now if the male thinks the male thinks that he's an eight and he thinks that the females an eight he couldn't give a damn like that's that's something that's interesting for casual mating only he's for a pair bond situation for a Truelove situation he's going to bring a bunch of assets he's going to go kill snakes behead Kings to try to impress her and bring diamonds and so as a result he's not interested in spending his life with an eight you spending his life with a nine so only one of those guys thinks that she is a nine we're going to call that guy Pete the rest of the guys you know Don Doug Devon and dibs before guys think that she is either an eight or seven so they're not interested the now they may be interested in causal mating which is where it's going to get tricky but they are not interested for pair-bond but one of them Pete is interested in her as a pair bond now we're going to call her Debbie and she's going to look at these four guys now statistically there's only a one out of five chance that she thinks that Pete is a nine otherwise she thinks she's an eight so she's not too wild about an eight and she sure as hell not wild about a seven so as a result when when a pair of eights meet there's not likely to be a lot of sparks flying the male may one of those males may think she's a nine so he's pretty interested but most of the time she's going to think he's just sort of so so she's not all hot and bothered about him now if that nine is really interested and pursues her hard and she thinks that he's an eight then he might get somewhere the but most of the time what's going to happen is most of the males are not going to think that she's that fancy and so they're really not going to be interested in a true love strategy so it's going to turn out but the magic 10% is going to be where both parties feel like they're getting a screaming deal so that's going to happen actually at first meeting only one out of 25 times in that with this kind of dispersion so there's a one out of five chance a male thinks that she's a nine knowing that he's an eight and there's a one out of five chance that that female who he thinks she's a nine also thinks he's a nine so 24 out of 25 times things are pretty lukewarm when two pair aids meet but one out of 25 times there's electricity and it's because each the other one is actually fancier than the rest of the market thinks that they are and so true love is basically born from a from a Mis calibration of those two individuals about the actual market value of the person that they're operating on so true love is basically based on mutual distortion I see I knew there was something wrong with all those people in love [Laughter] now you sorta have the distortion that's meant to be in there now very often it looks a little bit different than this so it you I mean that's just sort of what's happening in an awful lot of meetings that are taking place there's problems in the marketplace because the females occasionally have the following experience that they meet some guy who who let suppose that they one of the let's suppose they meet an age but they think that eight is a nine so they're pretty damn excited meanwhile the guy actually thinks that she's an eight so he's not that excited but he can pick up that she's pretty excited so he doesn't feel like he's sleeping up he feels like he's sleeping even and he's not that wild about sleeping even but boy if it's there it's not too bad and so he will then pursue it and but not behind a pair of on strategy but behind a casual mating strategy but of course at this point he's actually designed by nature to lie to himself to some degree and to lie to her definitely consciously and deliberately if he needs to or and if you've got that proclivity which a lot of guys do in order to get to the eggs that are pretty fancy eggs but just not good enough eggs for him to go on all in for all love for for a longer period of time so this is the magic 10% actually takes place when both partners feel like they're getting this fancy deal and that that happens only occasionally in other words most of the time most of us have been on a lot of dates and you'll walk away thinking you know at best and like that's it would be an okay deal but I'm not that excited about it and that's actually the standard you know a lot of times you're a little insulted or feel like the person is just simply not acceptable and that rarely do we usually have a situation where where one person feels like the other person is a hell of a deal and the other person on the other side feels like the first person is a hell of a deal in order for that to happen you have to have this this sort of magical 10% firing in both planes mm-hmm so how do we can we can we create this in ourselves or can we act in a way or you know display in a certain way that can can kind of get that 10% more than one out of 25 times well I will begin at the be well actually I'll begin a begin at the beginning because we've got actually a massive problem we got more than one sociological problem taking place right now that inhibits this process but I have to tell you that one of the biggest problems that we have is fat and it is it is probably the single biggest obstacle there is too romantic satisfaction in the Western world so you you have to understand that as women put on weight particularly women as women put on weight they decrease their attractiveness substantially so let's think it out and not only that they don't tend to have the greatest intuition about this so they tend to women are for good reason they're very focused on faces because human beings rate people's attractiveness heavily on the face and so as a result let's suppose that a woman is quite pretty let's suppose she's an 8 and let's suppose she was an 8 all the way through high school and let's suppose she has sort of an 8 like shape so she's about an 80th percentile so this is a nice-looking person and this nice-looking person essentially has her eyes on the following situation she has her eyes on marrying an eight that has well above-average resources that that that would be what it is that she should reasonably expect that's what she's trying to get now you and I know but that's actually too good a deal so she is designed by nature to try to find somebody that she feels like is innate but we know that it's objectively a seven okay the reason why he better be objectively a seven is that a guy who is objectively an eight knows that he's an eight because he's gotten feedback from the marketplace that he's an eight and he is not all excited about mating with an eight so she she needs the subjective experience that this guy's a seven excuse me that he's an eight when objectively he's a seven and he knows he's a seven and that she is in fact an eight who feels like he's an eight and so she's excited about being with him and he's excited about being with her that is a true love para bond formula and it requires that she be distorted relative to the market by ten percent and it actually doesn't hurt if he is distorted by the market by seven ten percent so that he actually feels like she's a nine now guys aren't that excited about picking up ten percent the real magic for them is to go up 20 percent and so that's the magic ten percent for them they expect to be able to go up ten percent that that should be stock but where they're really excited and interested in quote falling in love and really being motivated is when they feel like they're going to twenty percent up and so as a result r7 has to think that she's a nun even though she's an objective eight and that winds up being in the magic ten percent that the two of those people can trade however we've got an enormous problem enormous problem is the the processed low quality high calorie density diet is consumed by people in America and elsewhere but particularly the United States and as a result of this food far too much oil far too much animal high-fat animal food and not enough of our natural carbohydrate and fruit vegetables if you if you get away from a natural a more natural food dominated diet what happens is people start getting fat and in the United States the average woman two pounds a year between her 16th and 36th birthday so by our 36th birthday the average one in the United States is 40 pounds overweight now this is right during the heart of her most important reproductive years where she is competing desperately to try to find a really great guy to build a family with now you have to understand that by halfway into this by 26 years old she's 20 pounds overweight now 20 pounds overweight and 8 that's 20 pounds overweight is no longer an 8 so even though she looks in the mirror and she sees eight like features in the face and she's not morbidly obese or anything else she's just moderately overweight but she feels like well that's not too bad and you know what it isn't too bad but really she's a six and a half or a seven and so as a result of that she has she's absolutely flushed opportunity after opportunity and she's going to make it exceedingly difficult for her to find seven who thinks that she's a knight and so the number one thing that that females can do in the United States to enhance their own reproductive romance romantic success is going to be to move their diet to a much more discipline situation where they're eating a lot healthier food now does this this theoretical eight who's a 20 pounds away by 26 right she still believes she's an eight because she's gotten all the feedback from the time she was you know hitting puberty around you know what over 10 11 12 13 14 years old all the way up until she started to gain a little bit of weight so to her no matter how much weight she gains she still becomes she still thinks she's an 8 right well here it gets worse she gets grande well I know problem is if she goes out to a bar and drinks a little bit and there's guys there that are drinking a little bit there are guys that are eights they're going to be hitting on her because they're hitting on or behind casual mating stretch and there is even going to be 9s hitting on her behind casual mating strategy and so this gets very confusing because these are these are like the nice-looking guys that we're hitting on her in high school and so it seems like nothing's really changed uh and she seems to be with her with reasonable fashion sense it's a decent clothing she seems to be slipping past a little problem of the fact that she's 20 pounds overweight so it appears that she's getting away with this and she feels a little bit guilty about it and she knows that she's not quite on top of her game but the truth is she doesn't realize she's nowhere near the top of her game and that in order for her to compete effectively for a legitimate 7 who's willing to go all-in and thinks that she's outstanding she's going to need to be at the top of her game and so I can just tell you the psychotherapist who has dealt with stacks and stacks of women that are dealing with this issue they the story gets told again and again where they start to date somebody he seems pretty excited about it they they start to get sexual and then he starts to fade away pretty quickly and they're left scratch in their head trying to figure out what happened and what happened was you know what the 20 extra pounds just doesn't cut it and and so this the guys won't tell you this but they will talk behind the females backs and they will talk to each other and they are absolutely paying attention to these issues in well as they should because that 20 pounds mimics pregnancy and essentially is is they have a design feature of their psychology but they're supposed to be turned off by a by a widening or a reduction of the the contours or the the contrast between the waistline and the hips mm-hmm and so first women the solution is for them to get what they want which is a long term pair bond well and that's that's given that they're not extremely openly a novelty seeking so if they're not they're kind of average in terms of novelty seeking they're going to have the most happy if they do whatever they can do to improve their physique and that way they can pair it fairly with with the opposite sex put you in a much better position to tread and so this uh you know this isn't this sounds you know of course there's going to be if I've got some feminist listener out there she could be all appalled but the truth of the matter is is that if we're honest about what's actually happened happening and we look through both sides of this telescope this is what we're going to see males are also being examined by females for their physical shape and their condition it is not it is not as important for males remember males are bringing two factors of the equation they're bringing money and they're bringing their their bodies their bodies are an evidence of their gene quality as we examine the bodies for beauty what we call beauty beauty is just something that it's a word we use for an attractive characteristic of the landscape we might have a beautiful smell beautiful sounds or beautiful sights even a beautiful touch so certainly beautiful taste so it's going to turn out that beauty or attractiveness is just simply an indication that things are good for survival reproduction and so certainly male beauty is a very big thing in the world of the female mind and so males can enhance their beauty as well by taking care of themselves in the same type of manner the and they can they can improve their standing relative to their competitors but but it's going to turn out that they also need to take care of some other business and they need to take care of their finances and their their essential essentially their achievement displays that they also bring to the table and these achievement displays are what a car dwelling like a house apartment condo it would ask everything the most important thing is that you are essentially what what you want to do in both in X all of these cases what you want to be doing is you want your your characteristics to be displayed in quite a good light it's what I call you need to be displaying a good rendition of yourself so you let's suppose somebody says well I don't think cars are that important and so I don't give I don't care that I'm driving an old junker that doesn't have any any doesn't have any what do you call those things hubcaps on it so it's like well that's fine that you're you have that opinion but you are actually out of step with the marketplace and therefore you have vastly reduced your market so what you want to do is you need to understand what is in the minds of the people on the other side of the table in these exchanges and you need to not get yourself ruled out because you are underperforming in an area where the office of sex is actually paying attention to okay so that means car clothes career these things or your house or your housing situation you know if you're a 23 year old is just starting out and you've just got your first job and you're making twenty three thousand dollars a year and you're in a big city you're not going to buy a house you're not going to buy a condo you're not going to do anything and nobody would expect you to but when the when the female meets you and talks to you she wants to hear about what you're making of yourself and what your job is and what your plans are for the future and so you want to be essentially doing a pretty good job of hitting milestones and if you're not hitting milestones then you need to expend the energy and the effort and take the risks in order to try to hit them and so what we it doesn't it is not wise to essentially over and best and try to bluff a female by demonstrating a queue that is outside of what is true about you so if you make fifty thousand dollars a year you shouldn't be driving a Maserati okay that doesn't make any sense you are you shouldn't even be driving a Lexus you're you're not that that isn't honest advertisement you shouldn't be wearing a Rolex watch so that that is that's not an honest advertisement as to what your achievements are what you want to do is is what I call you want to grab 80% of your market so there is going to be 20% of the marketplace that you could have blessed if your $50,000 your guy you could have driven a Maserati and and be driving a Rolex but that's going to mean that the house that you're going to live in is going to be a Shack okay that you're not going to have much of an apartment because you've got a huge amount of Zarate payment and effectively your cues are out of balance with the marketplace and you are now in trouble because this is it might work halfway decently for a casual mating strategy where you're trying to bluff females but in a romantic pair bond situation females are actually observing how it is that you have evaluated the different cues and your responsibility to display those kids and how have you distributed your time and energy to try to hit those milestones and those cues in a way that makes sense to her okay and so if if she smells a rat that you're actually bluffing and things have been highly distorted you're going to need a good story and the truth is is that it's so unwise to to worry about the fact that of course of your market you could have bluffed and expanded your market on the high end maybe by a few people but you will have lost your market on the other end let me explain so let's suppose that females that you would be interested in for a long term pair bond relationship have a differential sensitivity to the cues for example for cars and it's going to turn out that there's going to be some women that you could get their attention if you're driving a Maserati even though you can't afford it but most of the women would be perfectly happy at that socioeconomic status level if you are driving a perfectly clean nice Camry or Honda Accord so as a result it you're they are looking for a guy and would be fine with a guy is a $50,000 year earner who should be in a car that looks like an accord or a Camry and so the or that equivalent I'm talking about a $20,000 type of automobile now in that case you will lose a few because you're not driving the Maserati so you could have bluffed a few more into the pot but the truth is you'll lose a few on the other end that as soon as they find out that you blew a bunch of money on Maserati actually the more responsible conscientious females that you'd be interested in will will will be not interested so as a result you actually cannot get the entire market on that queue so the right thing to do is to get most of the market on that queue in such a responsible way you do not put yourself out of balance with respect to other kids okay so your job is to actually optimize your marketing strategy across multiple kids and that means essentially trying to get 80% of your market with the cues that you can legitimately get okay and so so we have actually a comment about this a username so so on these forums that I've read they have a term for the heman strategy and the he-man did the guy who everyone aspires to be and his name ID Chad Chad is this he-man who's just you know alpha male who's like you know super ripped and kind of gets casual mating strategy with anybody who really desires so the users name is iPads dad and right so Chad's dad wants to know if you're broadcasting wealth and status through your material possessions should you be surprised when you attract mates who are most interested in just those things the money and how does it affect long-term viability of a relationship or even a person's short term happiness yeah well obviously if you if you are able to display these characteristics if you can afford it and and you are hyper displaying then then of course it's no surprise that you are that you're going to find females you're going to attract females who are very interested in getting their hands on on that wealth and so of course that's you have now so you have to you have to be thinking about you know who it is who is it your market that you're trying to attract now if you are trying to play a casual mating strategy then you are you in however you play it if you play it with if you got very fancy looks and a lot of social skill that's one way to play another way to play is to play with by throwing a lot of money around and essentially you remember there's two factors inside the females heads that they're looking at they're looking at gene quality and they're looking at resources and so either way if you hyper if you can hyper signal with either one of those assets then you are going to maximize your ability to play casual mating strategies however those are obese are heading yeah go ahead no good sorry the but the truth is is that those are not the same signals when we hyper signal in those arenas the this is not the same thing as what the female who was looking for a long term para bond is looking for so the person a female a long term pair bond isn't just looking for a guy who could throw a lot of money around in fact that looks to her like a player who is going to use those assets for short-term mating strategies and she's not really interested in that she's actually interested in somebody who looks a lot more responsible who looks like he's actually hoarding his resources to some reasonable degree so that he can spend them all on one female in her children okay so most most para bond oriented females are not particularly attracted to males who are driving around in red Maseratis or Corvettes with a bunch of gold jewelry hanging from so the that is why incidently men do not typically do that the their men are men could be and could easily be be displaying a lot more that kind of bling than they do now when someone is displaying that kind of bling that is an advertisement that that guy is willing to part with assets behind casual mating strategy with the female but that is that is also signaling that he is not a pair of on strategy male and that can be very attractive for some females as we talked about because if they get impregnated by such an individual they pass on that kind of wild wild successful he-man type strategy to their sons and so therefore it is a genetically viable strategy that some females are genetically inclined to pursue okay so so in terms of improving your attractiveness I guess if we have any male listeners maybe one or two but will I first what they first have to determine is what they want or is this going to be kind of apparent just based on their their own genetics whether they want short term or long term or pair bond yes in other words most most males know is intuitively what it is that they want their there they they certainly would like to be short term causal madding strategy players that they could however they also know the difference between short term causal mating strategy you know ideal in in the the male's head they would like to play short-term causal mating strategy with females who were 20% more attractive than they are that would be just grant okay nothing could be better than that the this is a typical fantasy that's rattling around inside the male's heads but that fantasy doesn't have any basis in reality this is where pornography comes from I'm assuming right exactly where what pornography is pornography is selling directly into the male the ideal male circumstances for reproducing his DNA in the same way the the absolute corollary of pornography for females is the romance novel so romance novels sell a most of billion copies of romance novels sell in the United States every year and they are read by essentially exclusively by females and so what these are is they are chick porn okay chick porn is the story of the alpha male prince in the countryside who there's you there's two women there's our little heroine is about an eight or nine you know she's about an eight and a half and so she's pretty darn attractive but there's a bitch in the kingdom that is you know one knotch more attractive than she is but she's a bitch his bad character and the prince who's been deflowering versions one way or the other all over the countryside completely legitimately of course but he does know the difference between quality women and non quality women but he's a little confused because the bitch has high standing concern her dad is a you know Little Kingdom or Earl or Duke or whatever the hell he is so she's pretty fancy and but she's a she's a faithless you know kind of slutty backstabbing bitch that has some superficial social skill that could fool a male that can't see past the great looks and our prince of course can't quite see past this because she's never really you know he's not really that deep in women you know and not that he's such a man's man and such a you know writer of horses and and such a swordsman that as a result he's never really met a really great woman before but now he needs our heroine our solid little eight and a half and the adventure of the situation winds up with him you know having having trials and tribulations and great adventurous stress where he discovers our heroines great character okay and yet he's so attracted to the to the slut bitch that he is dissonant and then he finds out the slut ditch is actually a bad actor and he casts her side because he doesn't he doesn't really care about her that much particularly now that he's seen her bad character and what he falls in love even though he never really thought he could love anybody miraculously he loves our heroine who's an eight and a half with a heart of gold so this is what I call the myth of inner beauty so from the female standpoint she believes that with her great character and her wonderful personality that she in fact deserves the ten okay and so this this is chick porn this is where the chick gets to sleep up into a pair of on situation where the male is not only more attractive than she is but he's also wealthier than she is okay this is exactly analogous to the male who in pornography meets a hot chick or two or three of them on the street and starts chatting him up and then the next cut of the film they're in a foursome with when he's the center of attention okay of three tens so this is a you know it didn't even as much as buy him a drink so ie he's given absolutely no resources away no evidence of any need to signal commitment and yet the females who are much more attractive than he is are absolutely willing to have sex with them right now so this is exactly the mirror image and yet of course as a male I look at this and I say well the guy's position is completely reasonable and understandable and the female's position is is disgustingly considered morally above the male's position so our culture means that the chick porn is not disgusting okay the male porn is disgusting and I will argue as an evolutionary psychologist that these two are absolutely equivalent in terms of how it is that they're built well well said you know and I always wonder because for females there are many techniques that females engage in to make themselves appear more attractive for example they can do their hair they can do do the makeup just right they they have all the flashy flashy rocks basically the jewelry and the earrings things like that to attract attention what can men do that can kind of make them a little bit more fancy that's the displace well the truth of the matter is yeah what's pretty cool if you're a female is that you can kind of hide a little bit behind makeup and makeup can make a difference and so I would actually caution females about that there are women that can improve dramatically with makeup and are not nearly as attractive with the makeup off as they are with the makeup on which is a little bit dangerous so you can you can wind up attracting people that when the makeup comes off are not going to be attracted so that that's a little Side Story we'll get to another day now but both parties both male and female would be wise to actually spend some time and energy and some money investing in clothes it makes sense to have nice clothes clothes should clothes should be neat clothes should fit well okay float clothes should not be old and in any way tattered with old buttons that aren't aren't sharp things need to look good in an interesting situation in this presidential cycle it turns out I believe that this is a correct story but you know I might be corrected that I think Donald Trump's suits cost about twenty thousand dollars that there's a there's a famous suit maker in New York City and so Trump you know Trump in and other candidates actually were were out class in this arena and some of them scrambled around to try to catch up so this is extraordinary to realize that the that the I can probably pick up the difference between a $5,000 suit in $20,000 suit which of course doesn't make any sense doesn't matter unless you're super wealthy and that you're running for president United States but if you are running to try to get to the magic 10% and you trip into you get lucky enough to have a date with a female who who you if you're if you're a seven and she's an eight but you feel like she's a nine and if if she might think that you're an eight so you're sitting on a rare opportunity where the magic 10% could be in play but there you are okay we are teeth are a little yellow and they needed to be bleached day or they needed to be fixed a little bit your complexion is not good because you're eating too much crap okay your hair is not like stylist Li or well cut with with a reasonable style you do not have nice clothes but nice clothes don't have to be expensive but they it takes some energy and some effort to just not to not be to not be boring and out to lunch with that if you need to get some advice go to a nice clothing clothing store and get some help from somebody who does this for a living so you you know you should look good you should look nice and you should be willing to invest some time and energy in that in that process but for females and males but particularly females don't think that this will save you with a waistline that's got 20 pounds too much because it will not yeah this reminds me of a time where I just started earning a little bit more money so I went to the store to get some clothes now this had been the first time that it ever gone to get you know some stylish clothes and had a bit of money to spend of course I get a story I have no idea what I'm supposed to buy I don't have no idea what looks good on me what doesn't so I I found a girl who's relatively attractive and I said you know what I'm actually trying to attract girls like you so could you just like let me know what oh it's a great story I hope that you you know it it was there any indication that you might get a date sadly no I think I was a little bit too uh upfront about it she got really bright who would have thought right but that it was it good for trying well here's what happened is uh I she kind of got flustered she's oh okay well well well well let me show you these shirts and this and that and she kind of started giving me the party line you know the generic stuff right and I could tell right away that she was just kind of operating on you know you know operating just kind of a standard autopilot so I said I said okay okay find me the gay guy who works here and let's bring him in there you go I got a rake load a because of that there you go there you go the now another thing a final thing that we'll talk about is that when you so remember this has to do with sort of integrating your whole life it means that we are not lazy and that we are not taking shortcuts we all have places in our in our display whether it's our appearance or clothes or career or place of residence or cars you know all of these things are components of our displays and we are never all going to be across the board of top of our game that's not going to happen because life is such that you have to continually be circling around and investing time and energy in any one of these things and that means that other things wind up in some degree of relative neglect but the deal is is that we need to be honest and clear about the fact that these things are being observed and they are being picked up on by the opposite sex and we are being vetted and they are attempting to try to figure out you know just what kind of deal is that the value proposition that's on the other side and finally that when it comes to actually a major component of all this is conversation and so it's going to turn out that males and females walk through each other's minds this is completely unlike any other species everything else we've talked about makeup grooming hair clothing all these kinds of things are actually have analogies in the animal kingdom they're there the equivalent of grooming a territorial display for example a guy with fancy car and clothes in a house is essentially the baboon that has the the fanciest little hill that's the hardest one to defend and so these are they have direct analogies the animal kingdom but there is something for which there is no direct analogy in the animal kingdom and that is human conversation so human beings actually talk to each other and it's estimated that before before most children have ever been conceived the parents of that child have actually probably exchanged a million words there has been a tremendous amount of conversation and what they're doing is they're actually walking through each amount each other's minds looking for trouble they're trying to find the gene quality just as if just as their eyes are looking around the physical being and trying to look for gene quality and the fingers want to run their fingers along the other person if they're attracted to them to also look for mutations and look for gene quality in the same way the mind through conversation wants to walk its way through the mind of the other person and to see where there are problems see where there are strengths and weaknesses and it's going to turn out that we need to be ready for that cross-examination and most of that being ready means that we've done our homework on our life and we've actually done a good job in our life and matey we're not that smooth and that good that process itself and that's going to take some experience and some failure just like riding a bicycle but I had one one that was actually very attractive and she got got checked up early in life and wound up with two children from two different fathers by the time she was in her early 20s and and not not uncommon for highly attractive woman to wind up in this situation she was quite bright but she was also very shy which is probably why it is that when the more aggressive males came around her she sort of sort of couldn't say no and and didn't hadn't put herself in positions for other options and wound up with two losers in a row her two children were marvelous little kids by the way because her genes sort of dominated the show so anyway fast forward about ten years so she responsibly raised these kids on her own and as a pair and had just enough money to do a pretty good job no help from either dad and then she arrived at a time in her early 30s where it was actually time to start looking for somebody she felt lonely and had been out of this sexual marketplace for you know basically a decade raising her kids but she was very shy and was intimidated by the process of going on a date which was extraordinary to me this woman was easily 90th plus percentile for attractiveness so it was incredible to me that anybody that good-looking and that intelligent was actually very intimidated by this social process so what we did was as follows we broke down this is how you solve all problems this is what we call how to solve a problem so we broke down a date at at Starbucks and to probably no more than an hour and if we looked at that our transaction if we looked at the conversation at transaction we'd have to realize that probably we could get the mail to do at least 2/3 of the talking so she wasn't going to have to talk for more than 20 minutes the and a bunch of that 20 minutes she was going to be asking questions so we actually came up with the the 20 most likely questions that she could ask that made sense not very hard to do and then we realized that the guy would basically just follow suit and turn around and ask her questions that would be the mirror image of the ones that she had asked that makes sense and so what we did then was we got ready with answers to the questions that he would ask and so what we came up with is we came up with short little 2 minute 2 minute little answers where she would tell a little story it would answer the question so we wrote these out a 2 minute stories about a handwritten one-page so we came up with about 10 of these so she had something to say and then we memorized him and so we simply memorized these little stories so that when they asked well where did you go to high school I don't want much of so-and-so and I had friends there but I better go okay and so I did this and I was on the hunt Spanish team whatever is so the point is is that she not only had an answer but she had a little story okay and we in fact added a couple self self-effacing little jokes in these stories where she is she was the she wound up with a PI interface on a couple of these now the reason for this was because by by being willing to tell a story about something that happened to you where you were the goofball who wound up on the short end some stick this would make her much less intimidating to a male who would otherwise be actually probably intimidated by her looks and worrying about whether he qualifies and so we we talked this through and we experimented with it and we did mock interviews and with in what people don't realize is they people actually hate to rehearse in front of anybody they all my clients in 30 years of doing this they cannot stand rehearsing in front of me however one thing that happens is I make them do it anyway and it turns out that when you hurt rehearse about six or seven or eight times you are way better than you were the first time or second time everybody's embarrassed that they're that they're just not smooth out the jump because it means that they're not some genetic brilliant silver tongue dog that can you know they think that they're showing their incompetence or their weaknesses but the truth of the matter is they just need some practice and so it turns out we go over it and over it and over it and the pretty soon you can do it so it turns out that what had been a horrible process for her in her life of avoiding dating and actually boxed her into some bad mating choices in fact required less than an hour of rehearsals to be ready okay then we set it up I told her always meet them at a place that you already know the place and they may not know the place you're extremely comfortable with it you know what booth you're going to sit in go there and sit in that booth a bunch bunker yourself in make it in a time of day where it's not nighttime so there's no other little inferences of anything going on and we basically peel the way bit of anxiety that could be in the situation and she did it okay so inch was successful at pulling this off so this is how you solve problems big problems folks are always just little problems whether they're financial whether they're professional whether they're family problems whether they're you know career whatever it is big problems or little problems you have to break down the big problems into tiny little steps and this is how you get to the moon this is how you build a car and this is how you build a life you break things down to the fundamental parts and you work at those fundamentals until you have enough ability that you can compete effectively success leaves Clues and we can always get today's quiz pretty easily wonderful wonderful and so what is the corollary for males same thing I would say that males should pay attention to the fact that one of the things that females complain most about is that males will dominate conversations so it's very useful for males to also learn how to ask questions and learn how to ask follow-up questions and also to have self-effacing little stories that they tell and and understand you know have something interesting to say this means that if you don't have anything interesting to say and you feel like you don't know anything about anything then there's things called books and libraries and learning and you can get quite knowledgeable about a number of topics certainly some topics pretty quickly and to the point where you can have a reasonable conversation about just about anything but remember folks that the most important thing that the other person wants to get from you is the notion that you are interested in them and so by actually asking them questions and giving them compliments along the way is going to be the most successful path to getting their attention wonderful so we did not have time to get to many of the questions that were posted however we will be going over them next week I think we're going to stick with this topic we've had a pretty good following last few weeks and so I think I think we've hit hit something here with this topic about love sex relationships and dating so we will go ahead and end here dr. Lyle do you have any final thoughts no that's good this is good and it'll be interesting to see what questions we come up with because in that way when one person asks a question there's probably a plenty more that would have asked that question and so this is a good way for us to get get people some ideas that might be useful for
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